Snarkastic

Laff Riot 16: Ill-Advised Spinoff

I find recently that I've been telling the same stories over and over again (no, more than usual) to the same people (no, more than usual), leaving me with not a great deal of time to place them here in their proper contexts. So in lieu of an Actual Update, and in no particular order, I'm going to relate some recent history and announcements through Snarkage. It's not all funny, but it's all true. Also, a lot of them are about Giant Microbes, your one-stop Christmas shopping destination. Fair warning.

[Note to The Faithful: Effective immediately, it will be Snarkastic policy to employ only initials, asterisks, and microversally accepted nicknames when referring satirically to those moving without Our Immediate Sphere. We hope our Dear Readership understands that we are undertaking these actions not in acquiescence to The Terrorists uppity overreactive Yankees with inflated senses of their own positions within/out said Sphere NOKD, but in recognition of the fact that, lamentably, there walk among us creatures who Cannot Take A Joke. And though we would much prefer to Round Them Up And Set Them On Fire, we must gracefully accede to our breeding and take the High Road (where "high road" denotes "road upon which we mock them to their unfortunate faces with More Impunity Than Before"). Thank you for your understanding. Y'all come back, now. -Ed.]

When we last saw our heroes.....

Previously on Snark Night:
Nastinchka (15:02:16): The girls seem to have taken over. It's all you and Kaitlin and Cara.
jangel139 (15:02:37): As it should be.
Nastinchka (15:02:45): That's what I'm saying.
jangel139 (15:04:54): I have never seen anyone have a more passionate love affair with the : key than Jesse.
Nastinchka (15:04:59): ROTFL
jangel139 (15:08:04): Also, picturing Nick playing a piccolo? Best. Thing. Ever.
Nastinchka (15:08:15): Yeah, tweets to the twee.

Tidings:
Allais500 (22:39:05): Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god!!!!
Allais500 (22:39:10): Anna
Allais500 (22:39:11): Randy
Allais500 (22:39:13): Getting
Allais500 (22:39:15): Married
Allais500 (22:39:33): YAY!!!!
Nastinchka (22:42:16): OMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nastinchka (22:42:24): EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Allais500 (22:42:34): I KNOW RIGHT?????
Nastinchka (22:42:51): SHUT UP THAT IS SO HOTTTTTT!!!!!

Nastinchka (22:45:25): So Cara just told me Anna and Randy are getting married. How cool is that?
DJWanaBling (22:45:40): right now?

Allais500 (23:03:36): I just finished Dawn of the Dead, like just now.
Nastinchka (23:03:40): Rock.
Allais500 (23:03:41): the credits are still rolling
Allais500 (23:04:03): Forever I will remember that I found out Anna and Randy are getting married during a zombie flick
Nastinchka (23:04:15): It's so Us.

Tidings again:
jangel139: So, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology is proud to offer me admission to the Class of 2009
jangel139 (18:08:50): I feel a sort of deep peace and satisfaction for having tied Nick, as it were.
Nastinchka (18:10:04): Heh. Atta girl.
jangel139 (18:10:45): Aww, he's being no fun.
jangel139 (18:10:50): Just congratulatory.
jangel139 (18:10:54): I obviously played it wrong.

Auto response from kaitlinwithani (02:08:23): "Today we salute you,FaceBook addict. You thought you could just log on once, but little did you know it would consume your life. Joining one pointless group was just not enough. Adding every person you never spoke to in high school just to be "virtually" popular. As if IM wasn't enough to feed into your stalker-ish behavior. Oooo look at you with your 340659 "friends". So go ahead, crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Compulsive Away Message Checker Turned Face Book Psycho. It's too bad that you're not too popular at the bar, but in virtual reality, you'd be the life of the cyber party."

LiviaHarlowe (14:54:47): I JUST GOT MY SCORE AND SCRIPT
Nastinchka (14:54:57): I GOT AN A FROM WHEELER
Nastinchka (14:55:03): SO WE'RE HAVING A PRETTY GOOD DAY.
LiviaHarlowe (14:55:19): HOTT

Nastinchka (01:27:11): That's why I know what I'm doing this weekend.
Big Evil (01:27:38): Hunh. But with all that football, how could you _possibly_ have time?
Big Evil (01:27:40): *ducking*
Nastinchka (01:27:52): *anticipates duck and strikes correctly*
Nastinchka (01:28:06): *with not a hair falling out of place*
Big Evil (01:28:13): *falls onto floor with a dull thud*
Nastinchka (01:28:21): You're a dull thud.
Nastinchka (01:28:24): *duck*
Big Evil (01:28:39): *sees Anaconda approaching from behind, and tries to warn her with eye flickering*
Big Evil (01:28:47): *sadly, the warning is ineffective*
Nastinchka (01:28:47): Kitty!
Big Evil (01:28:54): *and she's grabbed*
Big Evil (01:28:58): *sigh*
Nastinchka (01:29:03): ....by the snake?
Big Evil (01:29:16): That, gentle reader, is left to your imagination...

Nastinchka (17:52:50): Yeah, the game's about to start.
nicodemus055 (17:53:18): Ok. Who's playing?
Nastinchka (17:53:25): Um. SEC Champoinship.
nicodemus055 (17:53:43): K.
nicodemus055 (17:53:50): I shop. Enjoy your smashy men.

Bawwwww:
CrazyRed1984 (22:37:11): I hope that your Shakes final went well. I know that you were perfectly glorious, but I hope that you felt that in your being.

jangel139 (15:14:01): KEIRAN GOT A CELL PHONE
Nastinchka (15:14:10): I KNOW, RIGHT?
jangel139 (15:14:20): OH MY GOD
Nastinchka (15:14:27): You weren't supposed to tell me.
jangel139 (15:14:32): I just realized that.
Nastinchka (15:14:33): It was suppoosed to be a surprise.
jangel139 (15:14:39): but you said I know right
jangel139 (15:14:41): so you knew already
jangel139 (15:14:48): Because that's the only correct usage of that phrase.
Nastinchka (15:15:07): No. I decided not to make you feel bad, then thought better of it.
Nastinchka (15:15:20): Nastinchka (15:14:42): Joy just spoiled my surprise!!
Nastinchka (15:14:46): Let's kill her.
KeiranOHara (15:14:49): damin it
KeiranOHara (15:14:53): yes
jangel139 (15:15:22): Damn you.
Nastinchka (15:15:36): DAMN YOU AND YOUR BIG MOUF
jangel139 (15:15:44): Hm.
jangel139 (15:15:47): This is when I leave, I think
Nastinchka (15:16:02): That's right. Scuttle away.

Auto response from M******** (18:43:03): GOOD: Sexual acrobatics.
BAD: Headache.
UGLY: Limping to drugstore for ice pack and Aleve to speed healing of grievous head wound sustained during sexual acrobatics. No, I'm not fucking joking.
H******** (18:43:03): GOOD: delicious, satisying dinner.
BAD: Lots of stained dishes to wash.
UGLY: Dishes are stained with bloody scraps of Current Love's Ex-Girlfriend.

These next few sum up the drama of the past few weeks better than any of us ever could. You can take the kids out of junior high....
nicodemus055 (12:12:09): Haha
Nastinchka (12:12:12): ?
nicodemus055 (12:12:20): I like the comments you left Chris.
nicodemus055 (12:12:24): What a dick.
Nastinchka (12:12:30): I know, right?
nicodemus055 (12:12:36): I also note that he had to take the SAT more than once. Loser.
Nastinchka (12:12:47): Yup. I feel superior.
nicodemus055 (12:12:52): Even my brother got a 1600 on the first go.
Nastinchka (12:13:40): That's what I"m saying. I was too mad to be elegant, but I feel I made my point.

nicodemus055 (12:15:57): I remember a conversation I had with **** about how icky she thought sex was.
nicodemus055 (12:16:10): This was her senior year.
Nastinchka (12:16:14): HAHAHAHAHA
nicodemus055 (12:17:59): He sounds like the type of person I would throw popcorn at while drinking beer and laughing.
Nastinchka (12:21:18): I wish I'd thought to use the word 'calumny'. I've always been fond of that.
Nastinchka (12:21:29): (In word and action form.)

Nastinchka (10:29:44): That comment thread is really getting out of hand.
KeiranOHara (12:01:25): yeah, they cant handel tje sutble newances of the overs use of the word fuck

Nastinchka (12:35:50): grudging compassion. THat's you.
nicodemus055 (12:35:58): I know.

Nastinchka (12:36:18): I'm saving all these in case he deleted them, so I can post them.
nicodemus055 (12:36:23): Ok.
Nastinchka (12:36:26): It'll be like a Stupid Museum.

Nastinchka (12:37:08): I got a popup frmo his site advertisign "Ugly Dolls"/!!!?!
Nastinchka (12:37:18): laughing so hard i can't type

Nastinchka (15:26:09): "What? You say I crossed a line somewhere?? Well, HERE'S a line, and on this side of it, WE DON'T CUT OURSELVES FOR ATTENTION."
LiviaHarlowe (15:26:18): thats a good one!
Nastinchka (15:26:22): I know, right?
Nastinchka (15:26:27): That'll be my other away message.
Nastinchka (15:26:52): And the typos are almost worse than the sentiments. Undereducated wretch.

But enough about us. On to General Nonsense:
Nastinchka (15:42:16): Oh, she was here last night when I was railing against your asshattery.
Nastinchka (15:42:21): (asshaberdashery?)
nicodemus055 (15:45:10): The disabled children part is my favorite.
nicodemus055 (15:45:14): It's warm and sunny here.

'Tis the season:
Nastinchka (15:49:37): I am doing all my Christmas shopping here: www.giantmicrobes.com
CrazyRed1984 (15:51:32): omg
CrazyRed1984 (15:51:38): i am the common cold
Nastinchka (15:51:51): Look at Flesh-eating! It's so cute!!
CrazyRed1984 (15:52:52): i enjoy kissing diseanse
CrazyRed1984 (15:52:58): but then again I am a hopeless romantic
Nastinchka (15:53:21): I actually own that one. Joan got it for me for Christmas last year. It's SO CUTE. It has eyelashes!!
CrazyRed1984 (15:53:39): that is hilarious
Nastinchka (15:53:50): I also have Black Death, which is cute, if a little cree-pay.
CrazyRed1984 (15:54:05): ooo
CrazyRed1984 (15:54:08): very ominious
Nastinchka (15:54:22): yesh.
CrazyRed1984 (15:54:30): i cna't type
CrazyRed1984 (15:54:47): the wormy looking ones are my least favorite
Nastinchka (15:55:00): yeah, sleeping sickness is a leetle scary.
CrazyRed1984 (15:55:42): and ebola
Nastinchka (15:56:00): Yeah, Joan loves that one beyond all reason.
CrazyRed1984 (15:56:07): y?
Nastinchka (15:56:30): You'd have to ask her.
CrazyRed1984 (15:56:56): duly noted

jangel139 (15:45:38): Yes. I just wrapped my brother's present (a DVD) in a massive box with plenty of styrofoam peanuts and duct tape, UVa sent me a letter about my Jefferson interview, and my giant microbes will be here this week. It is indeed a magical time of year.

H**** (14:55:27): I HAVE STRAIGHT AS
H**** (14:55:35): AND MY BROTHER IS DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL
H**** (14:55:39): CHRISTMAS IS GONNA ROCK

LiviaHarlowe (15:16:42): i am both filled with christmas cheer and filled with the cold desire to watch *****'s bone marrow leak out of her crumpled body. I'd like to trim the Christmas tree....with her BONES.
Nastinchka (15:17:11): I'll help.
Nastinchka (15:17:17): We can put her vapid skull on top.
Nastinchka (15:17:26): I bet no one ever said "vapid skull" before.
LiviaHarlowe (15:17:32): No, it won't be in one piece anymore.
LiviaHarlowe (15:17:56): I kind of thought we could make an advent wreath, except instead of candles, it would be her organs.

LiviaHarlowe (15:45:24): I'm sorry, Ukariah. I don't mean to kill you. It will just happen.
Nastinchka (15:45:36): One more sleep till the big sleep.
LiviaHarlowe (15:46:28): GIANT MICROBES
LiviaHarlowe (15:46:31): DO THEY HAVE NEW ONES
Nastinchka (15:46:58): No idea.
LiviaHarlowe (15:47:25): WOW.
LiviaHarlowe (15:47:53): HIV and Hepatitis. That seems to be in poor taste until you see that the HIV Microbe is WEARING A RED RIBBON
Nastinchka (15:48:57): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Nastinchka (15:49:08): .....and then it's beyond any sort of taste a'tall.
LiviaHarlowe (15:49:21): Hepatitis has a ribbon too.
Nastinchka (15:49:54): yeah, but that's not nearly as funny.
LiviaHarlowe (15:49:57): LOOK HOW CUTE FLESH EATING IS! Merry Christmas Stewart.
Nastinchka (15:50:06): I know, right?
Nastinchka (15:50:41): Why are HIV and hepatitis listed as "professional"? Like, The Oldest Profession?
LiviaHarlowe (15:51:05): i think it means they are intended for use by school teachers instead of, you know, to cuddle with in bed.
Nastinchka (15:52:13): Or does it mean that streetwalkers can't contract ebola? Bigots.
Nastinchka (15:55:22): I WANT THE HAT
Nastinchka (15:55:25): I MUST HAVE THAT HAT
LiviaHarlowe (15:55:26): i bet.

Nastinchka (15:07:16): So Jay was all, "I should've pulled a Stewart."
LiviaHarlowe (15:07:24): what the fuck.
Nastinchka (15:07:27):
And been all "AWWWW, IT'S OUR TREASURE. WE GOTTA BURY IT. "
Nastinchka (15:07:34): "SANTA CAME AND LEFT ME A BIKE AWWWWWWW. "
Nastinchka (15:07:41): "WHADDAYAMEAN IT'S YOURS?? SANTA WAS HERE!! AWWW!!!!"
Nastinchka (15:07:54): I laughed for, like, twenty minutes. I was paralyzed with hilarity.

jangel139 (03:45:23): It would be ungrateful for me to be anything less than full of love for my life, after considering you, Ben, Ashley, Sewell, and 36

LiviaHarlowe (15:28:17): i just made two away messages entitled "happy holidays *****" and "happy holidays ****" comprised of our cruelly witty commentary
Nastinchka (15:28:40): Awesome. let's see 'em.
LiviaHarlowe (15:30:02): *****'s I cant put up yet. ****'s is basically a compilation of my peanut butter cup remark and your arm-cutting montage, with a dash of rancor and howling disgust thrown in for flavor

rhysfeezled (15:46:41): man, i can see the christmas carols now: Deck the halls and disembowel, fa la la la la, let's kill that bitch!
Auto response from Nastinchka (15:46:41): JOAN: i am both filled with christmas cheer and filled with the cold desire to watch *****'s bone marrow leak out of her crumpled body. I'd like to trim the Christmas tree....with her BONES.
HOLLY: We can put her vapid skull on top.
JOAN: No, it won't be in one piece anymore. I kind of thought we could make an advent wreath, except instead of candles, it would be her organs.
rhysfeezled (15:48:16): it puts the presents in the stocking, or ends up like steven hawking...

jangel139 (15:43:04): You've blushed twice in 24 hours, you realize that, right?
Nastinchka (15:44:14): *fingernail tap*....I know......
Nastinchka (15:44:27): It's the fucking holidays.

And just to show we haven't completely lost our sense of humor.....Brain-Twin funny:
LiviaHarlowe (16:13:37): Holly, volience breeds volience.
Nastinchka (16:13:42): ROTFL
Nastinchka (16:13:49): I forgot about that shit.
LiviaHarlowe (16:15:01): I didn't.

LiviaHarlowe (15:08:31): Stewart, on his fear that he will die while getting teeth removed: " picture me riding a pony, thats how i want to be remembered"
Nastinchka (15:08:37): ROTFL
Nastinchka (15:08:43): Does he have to have his wisdom teef out?
LiviaHarlowe (15:08:54): just one. but its the day before new years eve
Nastinchka (15:08:57): CAN WE GO TO MACON DRESSED LIKE BATS???????????
Nastinchka (15:09:02): PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE
LiviaHarlowe (15:09:20): NO
Nastinchka (15:09:49): *sniff* 'kay.
LiviaHarlowe (15:11:01): my sweet dick, it's magic
Nastinchka (15:11:10): That is SO much creepier in text.

LiviaHarlowe: Tuh...Tuh....Tooooooo....Tooooooonuhhhhh....TUNA MELT! TUNA MELT!
stewball103183: oh sure... sure sure sure sure... kick a guy when hes in macon, well thats alright ill just go beat my wife i never tell any of yall about and then ill drink myself stupid and do it again, ill tell betty you said hi.
LiviaHarlowe: Poor Betty. She made her bed and now she has to eat her cake through the mouthful of broken teeth you gave her
LiviaHarlowe (15:34:02): i am rolling.
Nastinchka (15:34:04): I like how "Macon" substitutes for "down" in that sentence.
LiviaHarlowe (15:34:24): Me too

stewball103183: naw i just beat her with a sack of oranges... keeps her from getting too bruised up
LiviaHarlowe: and then you make her bake you a cake with the oranges.
stewball103183: cake, you think she gets cake? Hell no, i dont want no fat wife weighing me down shes gotta be skinny so i can throw her around!
stewball103183: cake is for wives that dont get themselves pregnant
Nastinchka (15:39:27): JESUS.
LiviaHarlowe (15:40:02): I KNOW

LiviaHarlowe (18:50:56): joan and k*** re: Batboy
LiviaHarlowe (18:51:00): T*********: travis has a copy. normal one not freaky rape young girls travis
LiviaHarlowe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
LiviaHarlowe: i want that to be my new voicemail greeting. "hi, this is joan, not freaky rape young girls travis"
Nastinchka (18:51:12): From the mouths of babes. Lit'rally.

LiviaHarlowe (15:01:25): AHHH
LiviaHarlowe (15:01:31): I WENT TO THE RUSH IN FARRAGUT LAST NIGHT
Nastinchka (15:01:36): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Nastinchka (15:01:40): jennifer s********?
LiviaHarlowe (15:01:43): AND AS I WAS LEAVING, WITH MY HEADPHONES ON LISTENING TO BATBOY....
Nastinchka (15:01:46): Anna?
LiviaHarlowe (15:01:49): I WAS TAPPED ON THE SHOULDER BY....
LiviaHarlowe (15:01:52): NONE OTHER THAN....
Nastinchka (15:01:54): pennywise?
LiviaHarlowe (15:01:56): R**** EFFING D****
Nastinchka (15:02:01): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LiviaHarlowe (15:02:07): sweating like a greased monkey
Nastinchka (15:02:12): Did you get drunk from inhaling?
LiviaHarlowe (15:02:23): my skin went from a healthy girlish glow to puce in like 2 seconds
Nastinchka (15:02:34): Heh. Puce.
LiviaHarlowe (15:03:38): It was so, so awkward. I thought about screaming "Look! It's Jack Daniels!" and then running.
Nastinchka (15:03:54): THAT WOULD TOTALLY WORK.
LiviaHarlowe (15:04:03): i know, right?

LiviaHarlowe (14:56:23): so ryan and i went to buy the EE at midnight but i have yet to watch it because i promised sean we would watch it alone together and we cant until 6
LiviaHarlowe (14:57:10): but it is beautiful
LiviaHarlowe (14:57:13): and smells nice
Nastinchka (14:58:14): EEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Nastinchka (14:58:30): And is good-looking in a non-threatening way.
Nastinchka (14:58:34): Is it bloo?
Nastinchka (14:58:37): They say it's bloo.
LiviaHarlowe (14:59:22): and indeed it is
Nastinchka (14:59:53): I'm taking that as a personal shout-out.
LiviaHarlowe (15:00:13): alright.
Nastinchka (15:00:20): Because if you can't usurp an entire color family for your own self-edification, you're not having enough fun in show business.
LiviaHarlowe (15:01:23): gotta dance....

Nastinchka (15:25:31): Who else can we use for that example?
Nastinchka (15:25:35): Danny?
LiviaHarlowe (15:25:40): that was my first thought
Nastinchka (15:25:43): Of course.
LiviaHarlowe (15:25:44): JOEL OSTEEN
Nastinchka (15:25:49): YES.
Nastinchka (15:25:51): DONE AND DONE.
LiviaHarlowe (15:25:56): i miss you.
Nastinchka (15:26:12): I miss you too.

Nastinchka (17:06:24): Cause we were really trying to be coy, all of us. If we wanted to be hidden we would've been. We left a trail because we can. They can't touch us.

Nastinchka (12:20:00): Yeah, but we're on the side of the angels.

I've looked on tempests and not been shaken

Posted by Nastinchka at December 16, 2004 10:46 PM