Snarkastic

A Thirty-eight Minute Review of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Also appearing: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Memoirs of a Geisha, Syriana, The Chronicles of Narnia: LWW, Brokeback Mountain, Emma, All the King's Men, The New World, Minority Report, Daredevil, The Recruit, Alexander, SWAT, Hart's War, Tigerland, King Kong, Nacho Libre, School of Rock, Doom, and, tangentially, Mona Lisa Smile:

3:22:16 AM nicodemus055: Of course Harry Potter made 18 Bajillion Dollars in its first nanosecond on the screen.
3:22:34 AM nastinchka: Course. They did a good job with it.
3:22:40 AM nicodemus055: I didn't like it.
3:22:42 AM nicodemus055: Not one bit.
3:22:43 AM nastinchka: Certainly better than I expected from Mike Goddamn Newell.
3:22:55 AM nicodemus055: And I bet that had I not read the books I would have thought it quite pretty.
3:23:11 AM nastinchka: I'm partial to the third movie.
3:23:19 AM nastinchka: But I'm also partial to Cuaron, so there you go.
3:23:37 AM nicodemus055: Heh
3:23:54 AM nicodemus055: Well, I think the next movie will cut out even more (how could it not? The books just get longer)
3:24:02 AM nicodemus055: and be even more disappointing
3:24:07 AM nastinchka: I know. I think the fourth book should've been two movies.
3:24:24 AM nicodemus055: What about that whole character thing? I feel like it got lost in explosions and prom night.
3:24:41 AM nicodemus055: I can do without plot points like, I dunno, Dobby.
3:24:54 AM nicodemus055: And the house elf non-revolt
3:24:54 AM nastinchka: Fuck the house-elves. I'm so glad they got cut.
3:25:01 AM nicodemus055: Fine, like I said.
3:25:20 AM nicodemus055: But none of the characters had any of the depth they should have.
3:25:26 AM nicodemus055: Draco couldn't have had more than 4 lines.
3:25:32 AM nastinchka: The lack of character development didnt' bother me, because they hit the high points, and book 4 doesn't HAVE much in the way of character.
3:25:51 AM nastinchka: For the job they had to do, and trying to get it in under 2.5 hours, they did all right.
3:25:59 AM nastinchka: ...although there were missing parts (Dumby's speech) and people (Bill Weasley) that made me cranky.
3:26:33 AM nicodemus055: They had to insert Cedric's father into scenes so that you'd give a shit that he'd died.
3:26:45 AM nastinchka: Mmmmm. Cedric. Fly Fast, Die Young.
3:27:35 AM nicodemus055: I just feel like they should have maybe cut some fireballs and added some more dialogue.
3:27:47 AM nastinchka: Oh, I'm with you on that.
3:27:57 AM nicodemus055: The pacing was ok as it was, but I was ready for the movie to end because I didn't give a shit about the people
3:28:02 AM nicodemus055: Ok, dragon chase sequence.
3:28:08 AM nicodemus055: I haven't checked, but was that even in the book?
3:28:14 AM nicodemus055: That had to have been 2-3 minutes long
3:28:19 AM nastinchka: I'm more relieved than anything, and the movies will only further diverge from the books, but I like the books more, so it's all good. I had fun.
3:28:26 AM nicodemus055: First on my list to go.
3:28:27 AM nastinchka: Nope. Unnecessary and boring.
3:28:46 AM nicodemus055: prom scene should have been pared down.
3:29:16 AM nastinchka: The thing that really got me was the cutting of Dumbledore's speech at the end. The "Remember Cedric Diggory" speech. It's my favorite moment in the book, next to the ferret, and there was no reason to cut it.
3:29:33 AM nastinchka: Prom scene, I loved. Pretty.
3:29:46 AM nastinchka: Also, the song was called "Do the Hippogriff". C'mon.
3:29:49 AM nicodemus055: We've gained 4 minutes. I bet that would have been enough to make Harry a political figure, the reporter a real witch (no pun intended), and Barty Crouch more than a walking target with a bad mustache.
3:30:09 AM nastinchka: Nick, Barty Crouch is nothing more than a walking target with a bad mustache IN THE BOOK.
3:30:37 AM nicodemus055: Yeah, but he makes Harry into a political beach ball, which is important.
3:30:52 AM nastinchka: Here's the thing about the Harry Potter movies.
3:31:04 AM nastinchka: The kids that see them have read the books ragged.
3:31:05 AM nicodemus055: They average 5 pages a minute?
3:31:11 AM nastinchka: They know what's happening.
3:31:17 AM nicodemus055: I know, I know.
3:31:23 AM nastinchka: The way I see it, the movies are just...fluff, even for the kids.
3:31:26 AM nicodemus055: But as a standalone it could have been so much more.
3:31:34 AM nicodemus055: This book was dark
3:31:35 AM nastinchka: In no way are they Movies in their own right, esp. this one.
3:31:45 AM nastinchka: But I don't think they were meant to be.
3:31:51 AM nastinchka: They're not supposed to be standalones.
3:31:51 AM nicodemus055: the movie was dark, but the book was borderline literature.
3:32:08 AM nicodemus055: I know. I just think it's sad that they're an additional revenue source.
3:32:15 AM nastinchka: And the movie is just a neat way for the kids to see what they've been reading about.
3:32:24 AM nastinchka: Don't be such a cynic. They're fun.
3:32:40 AM nicodemus055: Minus some really poignant, relevant scenes.
3:32:56 AM nastinchka: But were you a critic, you'd be forgetting a cardinal rule, which is to take movies based on their own merits and intentions.
3:33:05 AM nastinchka: This isn't setting out to be cinema.
3:33:18 AM nastinchka: The books are the real art.
3:33:20 AM nicodemus055: Like Dumbledore's speech, like the politicization and manipulation of people by institutions, like themes of friendship that involve more than crushes and spats.
3:33:27 AM nastinchka: And that's OK.
3:33:54 AM nastinchka: Understand: I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm saying it's beside the point.
3:34:04 AM nicodemus055: Were I a critic I'd say that I hated it and all of my readers would probably love it, the ignorant saps.
3:34:12 AM nastinchka: Oh, stoppit.
3:34:15 AM nicodemus055: Heh
3:34:20 AM nicodemus055: Ok, I didn't hate it
3:34:24 AM nicodemus055: But I was most displeased.
3:34:32 AM nastinchka: Yeah, 10-4.
3:34:39 AM nicodemus055: I like your 2 movie idea.
3:34:45 AM nicodemus055: I'm surprised they don't.
3:34:48 AM nicodemus055: Twice the ticket sales.
3:34:50 AM nastinchka: One for the world cup & death eaters, one for the rest.
3:35:00 AM nastinchka: Film them back to back, release six months apart.
3:35:05 AM nicodemus055: If that
3:35:10 AM nastinchka: Two 2-hour movies would've been enough.
3:35:17 AM nastinchka: Warners wouldn't release them closer.
3:35:35 AM nicodemus055: So what are they afraid of, fan revolt?
3:35:45 AM nicodemus055: Surely you could just tell them that they were getting more movie.
3:35:48 AM nastinchka: They still make millions of dollars in second-run cinema. Like to spread that out.
3:36:23 AM nicodemus055: Like you said, everyone who sees it has read the books.
3:36:40 AM nastinchka: And the movie is sort of....not a summary, but I can't think of the right word.
3:36:54 AM nicodemus055: A teaser?
3:36:56 AM nicodemus055: It seriously is.
3:37:02 AM nicodemus055: get your heart pumping
3:37:05 AM nicodemus055: Reveal the plot
3:37:09 AM nicodemus055: Show some of the funny bits
3:37:19 AM nicodemus055: Make you want more.
3:37:25 AM nastinchka: It's nice when they get Cuaron and the movie turns out to be A Movie, but we're one for four on that score so far, so I gave in and enjoyed it.
3:37:38 AM nastinchka: Nick, it's a Harry Potter movie. What the hell has happened to you?
3:37:55 AM nicodemus055: I liked the books more than I imagined I would, and this was my favorite.
3:38:02 AM nastinchka: Ah.
3:38:04 AM nicodemus055: Well, maybe second.
3:38:09 AM nastinchka: See, my favorite's number three.
3:38:11 AM nastinchka: So I got lucky.
3:38:17 AM nicodemus055: But when they butcher 5 I'll be very sad.
3:38:32 AM nastinchka: Yeah, I don't know HOW they're going to do that. it's Too Big.
3:39:20 AM nicodemus055: And all the parts I liked had, I don't know, development and depth to them and would probably do poorly in screen tests. It sounds arrogant, of course, but I am a little bit older than the target audience.
3:39:39 AM nastinchka: Yeah, you'd do well to remember that.
3:39:24 AM nastinchka: Well, when we turn Snarkastic into a movie review site, you can write a big ranty emo hate screed.
3:40:09 AM nicodemus055: Nah. This is my rant. I've done it now, finally, and I am drained of emotion.
3:40:39 AM nastinchka: Glad I could be your contempt sponge.
3:40:28 AM nicodemus055: When did Memoirs of a Geisha stop being a Spielberg film?
3:40:42 AM nastinchka: Ages ago.
3:40:51 AM nastinchka: But Rob Marshall!! We lovehim.
3:40:51 AM nicodemus055: I stopped paying attention.
3:40:54 AM nastinchka: lovehimlovehim.
3:41:17 AM nastinchka: Spielberg would've fucked it all the hell up, and now he made Munich insteasd, which looks Awesome.
3:41:25 AM nicodemus055: I'm excited about Syriana. I can do without the rest of the year.
3:41:33 AM nicodemus055: I was interested in Narnia until I saw the trailer.
3:41:46 AM nastinchka: I don't like the way the Lion looks.
3:41:48 AM nicodemus055: They seem to be selling it as an inferior Return of the King.
3:42:10 AM nastinchka: Disagree.
3:42:11 AM nicodemus055: Oh, and maybe Brokeback Mountain.
3:42:20 AM nastinchka: Yesh! Hottt gay cowboy action.
3:42:28 AM nastinchka: Call it Bareback Mountain like the rest of us.
3:42:36 AM nicodemus055: Granted, I haven't read the book in ages, but the trailer was all war sequences and stuff.
3:43:04 AM nastinchka: Who cares? The White Witch looks EXACTLY like I've imagine since I was six. I'm in.
3:43:22 AM nicodemus055: Ang Lee is a director I've gained a lot of respect for recently.
3:43:39 AM nastinchka: Oh what grounds?
3:43:54 AM nicodemus055: After listening to the commentary on Emma and hearing all of the subtlety and nuance he put in that went right over my head the first time.
3:44:05 AM nastinchka: Heh.
3:44:19 AM nastinchka: It's weird, how much I love the Austen movies and hate the bitch herself.
3:44:31 AM nicodemus055: Yeah
3:44:26 AM nicodemus055: And hearing about his search for the perfect sheep, and how his sheep fucking fainted because they had to have period wool and it 80 degrees out.
3:44:35 AM nastinchka: HAHAHAHAHA
3:45:10 AM nastinchka: That's the best story I've heard in ages.
3:45:13 AM nicodemus055: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/10004252-all_the_kings_men/
3:45:19 AM nicodemus055: Heard of this?
3:45:22 AM nastinchka: Yup.
3:45:27 AM nicodemus055: I haven't
3:46:08 AM nastinchka: I'm mildly piqued.
3:48:42 AM nicodemus055: 50% of the Narnia trailer covers the first 10 pages of the book.
3:48:46 AM nicodemus055: Or is it not supposed to be just Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe?
3:48:59 AM nastinchka: *sigh*
3:49:02 AM nicodemus055: And you're right
3:49:08 AM nicodemus055: The lion is goofy,
3:49:36 AM nicodemus055: Why do you sigh?
3:50:24 AM nastinchka: It makes me sad when a review or trailer keeps someone from seeing a film. I let good feedback steer me towards a movie I might not see otherwise, but try not to do the opposite.
3:50:33 AM nastinchka: I believe in always erring on the side of More Movies.
3:51:00 AM nicodemus055: Heh
3:51:07 AM nicodemus055: How about The New World?
3:51:14 AM nastinchka: It's Malick. Sold.
3:51:19 AM nicodemus055: I loved one of the taglines... Hang on.
3:52:00 AM nicodemus055: Meh. Can't find it.
3:52:08 AM nastinchka: Paraphrase?
3:52:11 AM nicodemus055: I have a powerful dislike of Colin Farrell.
3:52:20 AM nastinchka: That's a tagline?
3:52:50 AM nicodemus055: Something about famous something explorer john smith
3:53:05 AM nastinchka: But a Malick movie is a step back towards what I loved about him in the first place.
3:53:08 AM nicodemus055: And I thought, "John Smith isn't really that famous, or that something, or even an explorer."
3:53:16 AM nastinchka: Hee.
3:52:48 AM nastinchka: I have to admit, when I fervently wished for him to become a Huge Star after Minority Report, I didn't mean in Daredevil.
3:53:20 AM nicodemus055: yeah
3:53:21 AM nicodemus055: Or Recruit
3:53:27 AM nastinchka: Or that.
3:53:28 AM nicodemus055: Or Alexander
3:53:47 AM nastinchka: Couldn't make myself see it once they cut out the man sex.
3:53:49 AM nicodemus055: Or Swat
3:54:07 AM nastinchka: ....I honestly don't know if I saw that or not.
3:54:13 AM nicodemus055: Neither did I, but mostly because i already very much disliked him.
3:54:15 AM nicodemus055: I did not.
3:54:27 AM nicodemus055: Or Hart's War
3:54:29 AM nicodemus055: Jesus.
3:54:31 AM nastinchka: Re-watch Minority Report. His scenes are my happy place.
3:54:38 AM nastinchka: Hart's war was before that.
3:54:51 AM nastinchka: Before pretty much everything but Tigerland, in which he Rocked.
3:55:27 AM nastinchka: You's awful ranty tonight, biscuit. Shouldn't you be abed?
3:55:44 AM nicodemus055: Probably, but it doesn't much appeal to me.
3:55:30 AM nicodemus055: I don't think I'll see King Kong unless the reviews are great.
3:55:48 AM nastinchka: Nick, it's a movie about a GIANT MONKEY. What's not to like? Chill, already.
3:56:10 AM nicodemus055: Fine. I shall talk to you no more about my movie dislikes.
3:56:24 AM nastinchka: I recognize that not everyone shares my 30's pulp infatuation, but it's A MONKEY and it's CHRISTMAS.
3:56:39 AM nicodemus055: Yeah, but I don't have the pulp fascination.
3:56:43 AM nastinchka: Peter Jackson gave you a Christmas Monkey and you're too stubborn to unwrap it!
3:56:51 AM nastinchka: Selfish.
3:56:56 AM nicodemus055: And I can't see Jack Black without picturing him in 'comedic' roles.
3:57:21 AM nastinchka: Well, you'll be happy to hear about Nacho Libre, then.
3:57:27 AM nicodemus055: ?
3:57:47 AM nastinchka: Jack Black's next movie apparently stars him as a Mexican priest.
3:58:02 AM nastinchka: Who moonlights as a professional wrestler to earn money for his orphanage.
3:58:26 AM nicodemus055: School of Rock was better than I expected.
3:58:44 AM nastinchka: Trust in Linklater.
3:58:41 AM nicodemus055: Did Doom come out?
3:58:44 AM nicodemus055: Did I miss it?
3:58:50 AM nastinchka: I think it did.
3:59:00 AM nicodemus055: Ah well.
3:59:11 AM nicodemus055: I saw... I don't remember... A movie
3:59:12 AM nastinchka: I might try to catch it at the dollar, just to see the scenes they filmed in first person.
3:59:16 AM nicodemus055: And it had the Doom trailer.
3:59:21 AM nicodemus055: And the theater was full.
3:59:34 AM nicodemus055: And when it cut to first person, the whole place burst into laughter.
3:59:50 AM nicodemus055: And I said, "If they'd shot the whole movie that way, I'd see it."
3:59:58 AM nastinchka: Me too.

Posted by Nastinchka at December 9, 2005 12:22 PM