Since about midsummer, I've found myself saying this a lot. Like the rest of us, Tolsun's always attracted his fair share of absurdities ("I got a friend request on Myspace today. It was from the guy who was a friend of mine freshman and sophomore year of college...until he and his roommate both slept with my then-girlfriend, whom he ended up impregnating and marrying. And then divorcing, because she decided she was wiccan and lesbian. (Oh, hey, that brings the number of women I've dated who have ended up being lesbians to four.) Think i should add him?"), but his stay in Philly has been particularly Fraught. Is there any truth to the "reap what you sow" adage? If so, someone's been planting Crazy Oats.
After countless hours of analysis, indignant shrieking, and plotting sitcom pilots with the above title, Tolsun sat down to write a highlight reel of his time in the City of Brotherly Love. It ain't pretty.
In mid-May, I moved to Philadelphia to do a bit of rowing. I spent my first three months there living in a two-bedroom apartment with three other guys and definitely got the least action out of all the roommates. Matt (with whom I shared a bedroom) had a steady girlfriend and spent maybe 10 nights at our place. Mike basically had a different woman every other week. Shawn had...well, I wouldn't call her a "girlfriend," exactly. More like a regular piece of ass. Hell, even a de facto roommate/freeloader brought girls home to "his" (read: my) apartment. Me? Nothing, until about mid-July when I met this coxswain for Penn AC's (PACRA's) summer rowing program. We've been calling her Crazy Coxswain (COX-en), so let's stick with that. Or CC for short.This is about where we started writing things down, but the story was far from over:Crazy Coxswain (CC)
CC and I went out a few times in late July before PACRA went up to Canadia (AKA Canuckistan) for a week-long regatta. The entire club stayed at the same hotel, and her room was down the hall from mine. We got together a couple of times during the course of the week and went out to celebrate the birthday of a friend of hers that Wednesday night. Thursday, CC sent me a text message saying, "You're coming on too strong. Back off." My interest level dropped from somewhat above average to zero.
Anyway, that Saturday night I went out with a couple of friends, including a woman (Canuckistani Prospect, to be mentioned later) that a friend of mine wanted to, ahem, introduce me to. We all went out to dinner and then wanted to get ice cream, but I had to go to the ATM to get cash for ice cream and Canuckistani Prospect (CP) came with. (This becomes relevant.) It took a while to do the ATM thing because I ran into someone I knew and so on. By the time CP and I met back up with the group, they were ready to start the drankin', so we moved towards the sleaziest bar around (which is hard to do in Canadia.) It was about then that CC called me to find out what I was doing. I told her I was out with friends and, no, I wouldn't like to get together, thanks. I thought that'd be all.
My night came to a very mild end at around 1 AM, as I was driving back to Tennessee the next morning. But CC called me at 1:30 asking me what I was doing and whether we could talk for a minute. I said sure, and she said that she was in the hallway...which meant she was standing right outside my door. (This is where the scary music started playing in my mind.) She came into the suite, sat down and asked me if I was interested in her. I guess I should've worded it a bit more diplomatically (i.e., by not saying, "Nope. Not at all."); long and short of it is, she got up and walked right out the door. I literally did a little dance, thinking it was wholly over.
Nope. She sent me a text message saying, "I was an idiot and just wanted a second chance." I was in the middle of composing a "can we talk about this at some time other than 2 AM" message when she called asking to talk again. I agreed, but only if she met me in the hallway and nowhere else. I thought this would keep things relatively calm, but the next 90 minutes basically consisted of her sobbing and saying, "Nobody ever treated me as well as you did. I'm always going to be alone." Luck smiled on me when my roommates (the people I'd been out with earlier that night) walked into the hallway; I said, "Well, they're my ride tomorrow morning. I've gotta go to bed. See ya!" When I got back into the room, my roommates told me they'd seen CC in the ice cream store earlier. They said that they'd been making fun of Canuckistani Prospect and I earlier, saying things like, "Ooooh, I'll bet they're off making out!" Apparently, CC's ears perked up and she moved a bit closer when they said that, explaining (I guess) why she called me not 10 minutes later. CC re-enters the picture around Halloween; since I'm doing this chronologically, we'll get back to her.
Canuckistani Prospect (CP)
(Okay, she wasn't really from Canadia/Canuckistan, but I really wanted to use the word "Canuckistani.")
CP and I met at the regatta in Canadia. She was actually relatively sane. When I met her, she was "getting out of something" that had lasted about nine (I think) months, so I was understandably a little wary. She was nice and pretty, though, so I expressed interest and we started seeing where things would go. All that really happened was, she decided that she preferred emotional (and perhaps physical) abuse to yours truly. That's kind of crazy, right?
After CP, there was a bit of a dry spell until I went to PACRA's annual one-piece party. The basic premise of the one-piece party is that you're only allowed to wear one article of clothing, with some things counting as accessories (shoes, for example.) Underwear is an article of clothing. I went dressed like this.
That's how I met Really Nice Ass Girl, Pit Bull, and Number One Fan.
Really Nice Ass Girl
As you can see from the picture, my "costume" left almost nothing to the imagination; in fact, my booty was hanging out the entire time. Anyway, there was a couple there wearing matching red towels as their one piece. The girl was kind of hot, but we'd been warned by a guy who knew the couple that they were kind of in a rough spot and that we weren't allowed to hit on her.
I take that sort of thing seriously. No, honestly. Stop laughing. She came up to me not once, not twice, but thrice and said in a hushed voice, "I can't let my boyfriend hear me say this, but you've got a really nice ass." I figured the best way to respond was to yell the following with him standing a few feet away: "What? I've got a really nice what? I can't hear you! It's kind of loud in here!"
Pit Bull
I call this one Pit Bull (PB) because she kind of resembles one: short, aggressive, and kind of masculine in a girly way. I know. Odd. Bear with me.
At that same damn party, PB approached me, I thought just to, you know, gab. She and I had been pals since I got to Philly. But she wasn't approaching me to talk. Oh, no. First, she ordered me to kiss her. Then she told me that she'd had a crush on me from Day One. And then she said, "See, I'd like to 'date' you." The air quotation marks are hers, not mine.
Number One Fan (NOF)
NOF was actually really nice for a while. I think I probably should've realized that she would be trouble, though, when she told me how old she was (29) and her plans for the future (which definitely include children; mine do, too, but in more of the theoretical sense than anything else.)
We had a lot of fun for a while until she started hinting at how much more time she wanted to spend with me, asking me why I have to go to D.C. two nights a week (for school, by the way), and talking about how her friends are really happy with their live-in boyfriends. All of that's fine, except...these were pretty much her only talking points. There was also the really awkward time when she came over while my brother and sister were visiting and wouldn't stop trying to feel me up. (This becomes a theme; see Handjob Girl, Zombie.) My favorite nugget, though, was the conversation where she started talking about how her biological clock only had a few years left on it. Okay, so she didn't come right out and say that, but that was the thrust of the conversation. Bear in mind: I met her in late September; we only spent a few weeks together.
I think she realized I was getting a little annoyed with her wanting a full-on relationship very quickly because, on the day that we got together and I was going to either end things completely or ask to take a step back, she did a preemptive break-up. It's a brilliant plan, normally, but it backfired a bit for her. Usually, the preemptive break-up is meant to make the dumpee desire the dumper that much more, but it didn't work at all here. Much to her chagrin.
NOF and I parted ways fairly amicably. Or, at least, I thought we did. She apparently wrote me an email that she thought was very angry-sounding [I read it. It wasn't. -H], as she wrote me about a week later apologizing for it. I spent quite a bit of time re-reading the first one, trying to parse out what could've been seen as harsh invective, to no avail.
Thankfully, the next couple of weeks were fairly quiet with few crazies coming around. Until Zombie Handjob Girl.
Zombie Handjob Girl (ZHJG)
This is actually one of my favorites. I went up to Boston for a race and gave a ride there and back to three other people. Anyway, one of the passengers offered to drive on the way back so I could get some much-needed sleep. I crawled into the backseat, which I was sharing with one of the female passengers, and pulled my jacket over me as I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I thought to myself, "Huh. When did I grow this third hand? And why is it on my inner, upper thigh?" The realization dawned on me: I didn't have a third appendage. That was someone else's hand. I looked over at the person sharing the backseat with me, ZHJG, and...well. Fill in the blanks. [He's leaving out the part where the first sensation he felt was not arousal, but primal terror at the thought of being pleasured by a disembodied hand. My initial reaction to this story, before ZHJG's Godzilla began raining fire and death on Tolsun's Tokyo (so to speak), went something like this: "You know, eventually you'll develop feelings for this girl. And one day you'll be having an intimate dinner, nervous but confident enough to make your move, and to break the ice you'll tell her how you thought her advances were a severed zombie hand, and you'll wonder, HONESTLY WONDER, why she doesn't respond more favorably. And that's why we're friends." Given her later behavior, that scene will never come to pass, but at least she got a cute nickname out of the whole mess.]
Anyway, the next weekend I went to a Halloween party and met a girl who has proven to be less crazy than any of the above. As of 15:09 on 29 December 2005, I'm still seeing her. (Trust me, this sort of accuracy as to the time and date is necessary.) ZHJG knows about this but, despite my clarity on the subject (me: "ZHJG, I'm seeing someone and I don't want to Ruin It."), she keeps on (A) making advances and (B) trying to set me up with a friend of hers. Evidence? She asked me to go to her departmental "holiday party" (read: PC Kwaanza celebration), a black-tie optional affair. I thought, "Sweet. I can get my drunk on at the Open Bar and I get to try to look good doing it." She, apparently, though, "Sweet. I can get Tolsun to go out with my friend from Canadia." I just got an email from ZHJG the other day "introducing" me to her friend that I'm supposed to accompany to the party and a second email saying, in essence, "Tolsun, I think you'd really like this girl. She's smart and hottt." Okay, so I added a few Ts to that sentence. [The events leading up to and including the black-tie evening are related below the TS story.]
Should I complain? No, not at all. But I'm apparently very good at bringing out the Crazy in girls very quickly, as evidenced by Total Stranger at Barley's the other night.
Total Stranger (TS)
Holly, Jesse, Nathaniel, Christina and I went out to Barley's over Thanksgiving weekend after a hell of a time at Blakenship Field. We played a little Foosball and I noticed someone that looked very, very familiar. I asked Holly if she recognized the girl in the red jacket (Total Stranger, or TS); she said that the girl looked familiar. I resolved to find out if we did know her. (Nothing else, I swear.) I asked TS if she'd gone to UTC. She said she'd gone there for a semester, and I said that the girl I was thinking of was there for at least a year or two. TS told me her name and I figured out that she wasn't the girl I was thinking of but someone completely different. I told TS, though, that she looked exactly like someone I'd sort of known in college. Her response?
"Was she beautiful, too?" [He's not making it scary enough. Her eyes rolled over white like a shark's.]
That's the second-best line ever used in Barley's, just behind, "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Margaret Thatcher?" [And he wonders why howl-at-the-moon lunatic bitches flock to him in droves, or whatever you call groups of women (covens?).]
11:02:29 AM Tolsun: oh, zombie hand job girl's latest trick
11:02:37 AM Holly: SPILL.
11:03:10 AM Tolsun: anyway, did i tell you about the black tie party?
11:03:20 AM Tolsun: this saturday night?
11:03:34 AM Holly: Yeah. You going with her friend?
11:03:51 AM Tolsun: yup. did i tell you about "chance encounter" number one?
11:04:09 AM Holly: No.
11:05:40 AM Tolsun: i usually spend fridays working at the coffee shop a couple of blocks from my house.
11:06:11 AM Tolsun: more often than not, i run into zhjg and her friend (pitbull) there. it's sometimes uncomfortable, but usually entertaining, to say the least.
11:06:56 AM Tolsun: so, last friday i went there to study as usual and ran into zhjg and pitbull as usual. i'm at my table, they're at theirs (next to mine), and then zhjg gets a call on her phone.
11:07:08 AM Tolsun: says, "oh, okay, great. no, don't worry about being late. i'm gonna be here all day."
11:07:49 AM Tolsun: few minutes later, zhjg's friend (the person i'm going to the party with) cruises in. zhjg is like, great you could make it, don't worry about the lateness, etc.
11:08:38 AM Holly: God, they're FRIENDS? Some of these girls KNOW each other? That makes it so much worse.
11:08:43 AM Tolsun: then: "[name], this is tolsun. tolsun, this is [friend.]" zhjg goes back to her table. friend sits down. apparently, i was set up on a blind date that only one party knew about.
11:09:06 AM Holly: Wow.
11:09:12 AM Holly: Um....I'd bail.
11:09:17 AM Tolsun: not entirely uncomfortable, i'll admit, but a bit awkward, especially when zhjg and pitbull started making fun of stuff that i was saying
11:09:27 AM Tolsun: eg: "oh, he's talking about rowing again."
11:09:30 AM Holly: Wow. ThAT's not crazy.
11:10:39 AM Tolsun: ....no....no...
11:09:58 AM Tolsun: (she was a former canadian junior national team rower. we had a lot to talk about re: the sport.) anyway, yeah, the free booze is what's drawing me to the party.
11:10:29 AM Tolsun: but isn't this priceless? don't you wish you had as high an entertainment factor in your life as i do in mine?
11:11:05 AM Holly: I'm kinda terrified by the other two girls.
11:12:08 AM Tolsun: which? zhjg and pitbull?
11:13:05 AM Holly: Yeah
11:13:24 AM Holly: Pulling that kind of stunt just smacks of Crazy.
11:13:32 AM Holly: However harmless the outcome.
11:14:29 AM Tolsun: indeed. it's...a bizzare situation, to be sure. but i will not be driven out of my coffeeshop, dammit. i live closest to that place out of all of us (two blocks for me, i think six for pitbull, and about a mile for zhjg.)
11:15:45 AM Holly: Alternatively, IM me with an innocuous code word (Seriously, girls do this) and I'll call you so you can say "Excuse me, I need to take this", and instead of actually leaving, pointedly turn away and start talking about tax brackets.
11:16:27 AM Tolsun: oh, like a safe word, but more uncomfortable. i like it.
11:16:42 AM Tolsun: i guess "help" is too obvious. how about "ball gag"?
11:16:55 AM Holly: (no.)
11:19:27 AM Tolsun: colonel angus?
11:27:18 AM Holly: Sure.
11:27:48 AM Tolsun: good.
But the safety word would not save him:
10:13:23 AM Holly: Ok, I'm up. Tell me about the black tie thing.
10:14:50 AM Tolsun: oh. okay. where to start. well, the evening actually started pretty well. the girl i was supposed to accompany (w____) said sorry for zombie handjob girl being so crazy
10:15:13 AM Tolsun: said, "i know you're seeing someone, so let's not make this weird." something about just having fun, blah blah blah. i was like, "cool."
10:15:29 AM Tolsun: but then she started to get her drunk on. way, way on.
10:15:45 AM Holly: ...
10:15:59 AM Tolsun: sorry, was pouring coffee
10:16:26 AM Holly: No, ellipses of dread, not impatience.
10:16:22 AM Tolsun: at one point, i had to literally help her up off the floor...while standing in a room full of her professors...and her cackling loudly. very messy
10:16:59 AM Tolsun: then: zhjg asked me to help her fend off advances from this guy who "has been trying to bed me for the past year and a half."
10:17:08 AM Holly: Wait, she was there?
10:17:22 AM Tolsun: oh, yeah. i guess i forgot to mention that. yes, she was there.
10:17:46 AM Tolsun: i played along for a minute after he walked up. zhjg turned to say something to w____ and the guy leaned in to say, "so, are you the boyfriend?" i was like, "no, man, go for it."
10:17:59 AM Holly: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
10:18:36 AM Tolsun: then zhjg turned back and i said something about going to get a drink, did either of them want anything, and zhjg said, "i'll go with you." i kind of waved her off and said, "no! please, you two get caught up. i'll be right back. merlot for you and pinot for you?"
10:19:05 AM Tolsun: when i came back, he'd sidled up to her and had his hand on her back...and she had her hand, palm facing outwards, planted firmly on her ass to fend off any advances. it was classic.
10:19:22 AM Holly: Awesome.
10:21:16 AM Tolsun: that's when the assaults on my purity began in earnest. zhjg was all over me (hand on my chest, etc), while i'm trying to shake her off and wave the other guy in simultaneously. meanwhile, w____ is drunk enough that she's starting to, uh, feel it (so to speak) and decides that she doesn't want to go home alone. and then this friend of w____'s and zhjg's comes up and starts talking to the group of us. she's from south carolina and decided upon hearing that i moved here from tennessee i was southern and, thus, we were Made For Each Other.
10:21:19 AM Tolsun: so, snapshot:
10:22:48 AM Tolsun: one horny guy trying to bed zhjg, who is trying to fend off the horny guy by trying to feel me up. one really tall former canadian junior national team rower (w____) falling on her ass drunk trying to get me to leave the party. right. now. one southern girl elbowing her way into the circle of disgust asking if we were going to the after party.
10:22:53 AM Tolsun: my response to all of this?
10:23:17 AM Tolsun: "hey, y'all, i've gotta go to the restroom, but i'll be back in a sec." the restroom is on the way to the coat check is on the way to the backdoor. i was in bed within an hour.
10:23:34 AM Holly: You LEFT HER THERE?
10:24:11 AM Tolsun: well, it was about 30 feet from her house (literally across the street.) so yes.
10:24:19 AM Holly: Ah, ok.
10:25:23 AM Tolsun: i know. that was an enormous dick move on my part, but it was just way, way, way too much to handle in one night.
10:26:04 AM Tolsun: in my defense, i did call shortly after leaving (standing on the sidewalk) to let her know that i'd slipped out and would walk her home if she really needed it. she went home with zhjg, though. interesting.
10:27:19 AM Holly: (I know I keep asking, but how does this kind of thing continue to happen to you?)
10:27:40 AM Tolsun: i really don't know. i probably set myself up for failure by being too charming
And shortly after THAT, ZHJG basically fired him from the position of Close Friend (they weren't):
ZHG: i was just getting ready to write a long serious email, which is out of character for me... i'm not one for creating drama. but i've been thinking about it and i don't think we should be close friends anymore. i do, on one level really enjoy your company. as a result, i recognize that it will difficult for me initially to cut things off with you, but... that's what i think is best.
ZHG: sorry
Tolsun: i figured as much
ZHG: yeah, sorry
Tolsun: the question, though (and a fair one) is why
ZHG: there are a number of aspects of your personality/our relationship that i find frustrating
ZHG: you are who you are
ZHG: and if i can't accept all of you, that is my problem
ZHG: i recognize this
ZHG: you're a great person and i totally respect you
ZHG: but you don't want to be friends with someone who has outburts like that
ZHG: and i don't want to be in a friendship like that either
Tolsun: explain: ZHG: but you don't want to be friends with someone who has outburts like that
ZHG: me, when i get really frustrated and hit you in the face
ZHG: are we cool?
Tolsun: what you have said is understood.
ZHG: any concluding remarks?
Tolsun: thinking
ZHG: Tolsun is thinking...
Tolsun: no. just, goodbye and good luck.
ZHG: likewise
ZHG: it's been a pleasure
Tolsun: right
THIS conversation has been followed up with a steady barrage of just-to-chat text messages and IMs (all initiated by ZHJG, who seems less than deterred by a total lack of response) (Tolsun, if you want to share any of these, feel free). As of press time, she's still at large.
In the meantime, though....Tolsun Met A Girl, Again.
St. Pauli Girl (SPG)
Initially, there was some drama that led to me instructing him in the fine art of Passive-Aggressive Internet Trench Bitch Warfare:
11:24:50 AM Tolsun: i also decided to change the away message to something a bit more fun, though i'm not sure this is the precise effect i was going for
11:24:50 AM Tolsun (Autoreply): Never, ever trust a $5 hooker.
11:25:09 AM Holly: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
11:25:10 AM Tolsun (Autoreply): Never, ever trust a $5 hooker.
11:25:22 AM Holly: OOOH
11:25:31 AM Holly: Know what you should change it to?
11:25:39 AM Tolsun: dish
11:25:41 AM Holly: Pick some girl's name
11:25:59 AM Holly: And be all, "I miss you, _____". See you in __ days. Can't wait".
11:26:07 AM Holly: No explanation.
11:26:15 AM Holly: What's a slutty name......
11:26:20 AM Tolsun: i would use your name, but that's her middle name. (sorry.)
11:26:22 AM Holly: Tammy?
11:26:23 AM Tolsun: candy, maybe?
11:26:29 AM Holly: Ewwwww.
11:26:33 AM Tolsun: candi?
11:26:41 AM Holly: No, not a hooker, just a friendly slut.
11:27:04 AM Tolsun: anna?
11:27:13 AM Holly: No, sluttier than that.
11:27:12 AM Tolsun: nikki!
11:27:15 AM Holly: YES.
11:27:27 AM Tolsun: YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES.
11:27:29 AM Tolsun: hang on
11:27:53 AM Tolsun: perfect, i think
11:28:04 AM Tolsun (Autoreply): I miss you, Nikki. See you Wednesday!
11:28:10 AM Holly: No!! I miss you TOO
11:28:16 AM Holly: Say I miss you too
11:28:22 AM Tolsun: ok, hang on
11:28:37 AM Holly: "I miss you too, nikki. Can't wait for Wednesday."
11:28:38 AM Tolsun (Autoreply): I miss you, Nikki. See you Wednesday!
11:29:00 AM Holly: Mwa HA HA HA HA
11:29:02 AM Tolsun (Autoreply): I miss you too, Nikki. See you Wednesday!
11:29:04 AM Tolsun: ugh. hang on again.
11:29:14 AM Holly: Warfare takes careful preparation.
11:29:40 AM Tolsun: done and done
11:29:45 AM Holly: Let's see.
11:29:45 AM Tolsun (Autoreply): I miss you too, Nikki. Can't wait for Wednesday!
11:29:48 AM Holly: Perfect.
11:30:13 AM Holly: Not a care in the world, and a slutty girl at the end of the line.
11:30:28 AM Holly: Well done. Go about your day, Mean Girl Grasshopper.
11:30:38 AM Tolsun: thank you. can do.
But against all odds, busy lives, and his personality (love you, man), she still likes him. Which is not to say the comedy's dried up:
12:19:51 AM Tolsun: well, you're direct, at least. what now? leave her alone? play the game?
12:20:28 AM Holly: What game? You like her. She has your tongue in her mouth to tell you that. But she's busy. Give her some space. This will pass.
12:20:39 AM Holly: Being crazy will not, but that's why you have me.
12:21:52 AM Tolsun: many thanks. i guess now's the time to lay low, let her get in touch when she can (which was the essence of a message i left), etc.
12:22:07 AM Holly: Do NOT follow up.
12:22:25 AM Holly: ....would a fishing analogy help?
12:22:37 AM Tolsun: i guess
12:22:59 AM Holly: Feed her some line and let her tire herself out.
12:23:15 AM Holly: .....before you reel her in by a jagged metal hook through her lip, gut her, and eat her.
12:23:58 AM Tolsun: i've already used all my good lines, and eating her i think should come after at least the fifth or sixth date.
12:24:09 AM Tolsun: it's just a precursor to tampons in my bathroom
12:24:33 AM Holly: That's not what I meant by line....but hey, if she didn't run screaming after the Margaret Thatcher bit, she's, to continue this unfortunate metaphor, a Keeper.
12:25:09 AM Tolsun: i didn't use the margaret thatcher bit on her. but i did use the snake charmer line
12:25:49 AM Holly: On one hand, if that didn't kill any spark, nothing will; but still best to play it safe.
12:26:10 AM Holly: Also, this gives us several days of "Don't worry! I won't call her!" jokes to lighten the mood.
12:26:48 AM Tolsun: true.
Posted by Nastinchka at December 27, 2005 03:43 PM