Conveniently reposted backwards for easy readin'. And don't comment to tell me about typos. We've been drinking since 5:00.
16:34 Ryan: "I would respect her soooo much if, when Reese wins, she straight up divorces Ryan Phillipe in her acceptance speech. Top That, Hilary Swank!"
20:04 Nice CYA on the part of the Academy by making it very clear in the opening sequence that Stewart was your last choice.
20:05 OK, I love the set, and I'm taking nine kinds of grief from the room at large over it. Sorry.
20:10 *sigh* nobody's laughing.
20:14 HOW IS MAKING GAY COWBOY MONTAGES NOT MY JOB?
20:16 I wonder if I'll be crippled by the fact that I refuse to pick any Ron-Howard-adjacent nominees.
20:19 Clooney's first acceptance speech sentence: "All right, so I'm not winning director"....Awww, he's getting a little unhinged. How sweet.
20:21 The theme music sounds like a cross between O Canada and the Monday Night Football theme.
20:29 Oooh. The music starts before they even get up there. How clever.
20:36 Win or lose, right now Dolly owns this room.
20:37 I had to look a couple times to make sure, but who let Jack Nicholson sit next to Keira Knightley?
Ryan: "Judi Dench was probably such a bitch to her that she took her chances. Instant recipe for disaster. She's found dead next to a kilo and a hooker tomorrow."
20:45 UGH. These fucking animated cameos make my teeth hurt...apparently, they won't be handing out awards in seats or to entire groups of nominees onstage this year, thank Xenu...last year that was a tragedy only surpassed by all the awards for Million Dollar Baby.
20:51 Regarding Russelll Crow's cowlick....WTF?
21:16 These Best Actress attack ads are brilliant. Nice work from the Daily Show crew.
21:18 Best joke of the night goes to Jon Stewart: "A pimp is sort of like an agent, but with a better hat".
21:19 Who dressed Terrence Howard? He looks like a Mathlete.
21:21 Does Charlize think showing up ugly will improve her chances?
21:22 YES. MotP gets its much -deserved statue. "That means thank you in Penguin!" These four French guys with stuffed penguins at the podium are my new secret boyfriends. "Thank you for this homage".
21:26 That Crash song seems to necessitate BURNING CARS EVERYWHERE. Dolly managed to own the stage using only a heroic amount of collagen and a shiny pantsuit.
21:32 HOLY SHIT THE ORCHESTRA IS PLAYING THE SPEED THEME AND KEANU AND SANDRA ARE WALKING OUT TO IT BEST OSCARS EVER EVER EVER
21:37 THEY JUST SHOWED THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW IN THE SOCIAL CONSCIENCE MONTAGE!!!!!!! RIGHT BEFORE ERIN DAMN BROCKOVICH!!
21:38 Ryan: "So this will never happen again. Jon is brilliant, but there's like 10 people in the room who get his humor...Ziyi pretty. Ziyi so very pretty."
21:40 Second best joke of the night, Jon Stewart: "Hit the timpani, kids! It's Sid Janus!"
22:04 Tomlin/Streep Altman sketch is PRICELESS.
Tomlin: "You see something is happening."
Streep: "But you don't know what it is."
Tomlin: "You're worried now that I got a laugh that you didn't get."
22:10 They won't sit down for Altman. He's trying to shut them up. "I've got a lot to say and they've got a clock on me." Oh, Bobby, don't ever die.
22:16 Best movie commercial ever: if you can find it, go to the AmEx website and download Shyamalan's spot.
22:18 And introducing Ludacris as Vincent Price.
22:19 THEY CHANGED THE LYRIC TO "WITCHES". The girl singing the hook keeps belting out "witches" with no apparent sense of irony. Unbelievable.
22:25 Second best joke of the night, Jon Stewart: "You know, I think it just got a little easier in here for a pimp."
22:30 Announcer: "Welcome, Academy Award winner George Clooney."
Clooney: "Sit down, sit down..." Aww, they gave him the memorials intro. I won't lie; this is always my favorite part. I like that everyone gets a curtain call.
22:39 Ryan: "Did Bancroft win Clap Loudest For Me In The Dead Montage?"
22:40 New best joke of the night, Jon Stewart: "For those of you keeping score at home...Martin Scorsese, 0 Oscars. Three 6 Mafia, 1."
22:43 Hughes Winborne: "Don't start the music. I can see you."
22:47 Oh, God, here it comes....is Hoffman gonna bark?
22:48 Apparently not. Boo.
22:54 Stewart's relaxed a bit and the audience is finally laughing at him. About damn time.
22:57 Ooooh. Jamie Foxx has the best outfit.
23:13 OH, NO. NO NO NO NO NO. "Academy Award winner Paul Haggis". It's the end times. Please, please, PLEASE, let this not be a precursor of things to come. Ugh. And I was having such a nice evening. Ebert, what hath you wrought?
23:20 As predicted, Ang Lee is THE CUTEST EVER. Seriously, he's like a human Mogwai. I want a little Ang Lee doll to sit on my dresser and dispense adorable malapropisms.
23:22 Jack Nicholson is clearly WASTED and clearly having a lot of fun. My night will be complete if only the statue is kept from Paul Haggis' greasy mitts.
23:23 ...........I quit. Here's Defamer:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! God help us all. The sky has opened, Beezlebub has dumped his infernal payload of obvious evil on an unsuspecting Earth. Life as we know it is over. Drive to the desert and start a new civilization, hoping that our horrible, horrible mistakes will not be repeated. This is the end, friends. See you in Hell.23:25 Ryan: "Knock Knock, the horsemen are here and there's four of them!"
23:41 Ryan: "Maybe Xenu will punish Paul Haggis somehow."
Holly: "Fuck you, Ebert."
RYAN. I don't think I told you about this, but last week I had a dream that Joan and I were watching the ceremony and Crash won Best Picture and right as SelfRighteous McSheepIntestines took the stage, a gunshot rang out, and Joan and I turned to one another in horror, knowing in Dream Logic that you had taken your own life in protest and that we could somehow hear it on the opposite coast.
So I posted all that from the party, and several minutes ago as I was being deposited on my front steps, THERE WAS A DAMN DRIVE-BY NEXT DOOR. These punks in a silver car screeched up to the house, fired five shots at the window (none of which actually hit the window, should've paid attention in Urban Marksmanship), and sped away, very nearly hitting my escort. So now instead of going to bed and wallowing in Best-Picture-related despair, I have to go downstairs and talk to the cops. And if any of them look in the least like Matt Dillon, I am afraid I shall be unconscionably rude.
Posted by: Holly at March 6, 2006 12:50 AMCreepy!
Headline on Salon: "Civilization collapses. Billions die. Film at 11."
I don't think it's unrelated.
Posted by: Ryan at March 6, 2006 01:45 PMok, this is getting freaky, first kieran, then me, now you. i fear this "hive violence" may indeed become an actuality. as for the Thing That Ate Charlize's Shoulder, im wondering why it couldn't have started with her head?
Posted by: rhys at March 6, 2006 04:17 PMyou know, i just realized this, but was john spencer in the memorials? i didn't remember seeing him in there... if they left out leo, that would have been the biggest warning sign of the impending doom yet to come. i mean, they left out the guy in war games who wouldn't turn the key, thus saving the earth from a nuclear holocaust. only to be replaced by a machine that would, with no qualms, have destroyed the entire earth. then crash won. coincedence? i leave you, the reader to decide...
Posted by: rhys at March 6, 2006 04:29 PMWow, it was backlinked from some post, bit -
"16:34: "I would respect her soooo much if, when Reese wins, she straight up divorces Ryan Phillipe in her acceptance speech. Top That, Hilary Swank!"
Gift. Of. Prophecy.
Only when I'm drunk, apparently.
I think both of us being in the same place at the same time might cause an implosion this year.