Snarkastic

Laff Riot 35: Amen.

As the members of our social circle reach their mid-twenties and begin to settle down, a growing proportion of our conversations are devoted to their myriad impending marriages. At times it can be daunting, contemplating the cold fact that we've left our childhoods behind forever.

And then something like this happens:

LIVVY: Look at Lenae's profile picture. GREG IS MARIO IN IT.
HOLLY: I saw. He looks adorable, but...Flashbacks to that lech who dressed as Mario at the kickoff party and left his date puking in your shower. Nintendo costumes are totally ruined for me (at least until i give you away at your wedding in a Bowser suit).
LIVVY: BOWSER SUIT
LIVVY: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
LIVVY: YESSS
HOLLY: Oh, it's happening.
LIVVY: And the groom has to find the magic flute before you do it, hidden somewhere in the nave.
HOLLY: YES
HOLLY: In sickness and in invincible mode,
HOLLY: Till game over do us part.
HOLLY: ***INSERT COINS TO CONTINUE***
LIVVY: Why is the vision of the groom desperately jamming coins into your open mouth so clear to me?
HOLLY: How about the groom punching through a series of brick walls down the aisle?
LIVVY: ...As you grunt "tilt! tilt!" in your baritone growl.
LIVVY: I like the idea of making the wedding a challenge, that the groom will have to defeat you to get to the altar by jumping on your head three times.
HOLLY: While I throw those round black bombs.
HOLLY: Whoever he is, there's no way he'll do enough to earn you during the actual courtship, so I plan on making him pay during the ceremony.
LIVVY: I plan on making him pay through the entire marriage.
HOLLY: Oh, I know, but they don't call it "maid of honor" for its dissimilarity to a warrior caste.
LIVVY: and propellers and flamethrowers fire wildly
HOLLY: And the whole audience is dressed like fire-flowers.
LIVVY: or mushrooms
HOLLY: WITH THIS GOOMBA BOOT I THEE WED
LIVVY: OH MY GOD
HOLLY: No, I take it back, you will come down the aisle in a goomba boot.
LIVVY: I AM TOTALLY COMING DOWN THE AISLE IN A GOOMBA BOOT
HOLLY: Or should you leave for the honeymoon in one? with little black helmets tied to the heel
LIVVY: instead of taking communion, we allow the audience to choose a reward from one warp zone
HOLLY: Ok, one of us has to have this wedding.
HOLLY: The other one can be Rampage-themed: Three brick towers at the end of the aisle
LIVVY: i call the groom in the frogsuit
HOLLY: Groom has to punch his way up all three to find you
LIVVY: why dont more people have weddings like this? we should start a company.
HOLLY: There's got to be a market for this.
HOLLY: And on the RSVP cards, there are little check boxes : "Start and stay Sledgehammer Mario. Start and Stay Raccoon Mario. Vegetarian. Regrets."
LIVVY: RACCOON MARIO
LIVVY: i am going to wet my pants
LIVVY: that's how we leave the ceremony: flying on raccoon tails into the sunset
LIVVY: also, you should be firing turtle shells at him the whole time
HOLLY: NO
HOLLY: On that little creepy bird magic carpet from Mario 2
LIVVY: NO
LIVVY: we climb a vine that sprouts out of the altar
HOLLY: MARIO KARTS
HOLLY: MARIO KARTS
HOLLY: MARIO KARTS
LIVVY: MARIO KARTS
HOLLY: A PROCESSION OF MARIO KARTS TO THE RECEPTION
HOLLY: Ok, at MY wedding, you will be dressed like Birdo, and the groom will have to fire eggs at you to climb through the bird's mouth into the chapel
LIVVY: in all seriousness, i want the car that takes us from the church to the reception to be an exact replica of Ecto-1
LIVVY: and i want the sirens and message board fully operational
LIVVY: and i want harold ramis to be driving.
HOLLY: Like he has anything better to do.
LIVVY: you're joking, but i am absolutely serious
HOLLY: "Do you, Livia Harlowe, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "I think it can hear you, Ray."
LIVVY: i would also like a slimer phantasm to be projected behind the car, chasing it
HOLLY: You know that music in SMB2 that plays as you approach Birdo to throw the eggs? I now can't imagine walking down the aisle to anything else.
LIVVY: i want the sinister drum music from the final level
LIVVY: alternately, i want the music from ghostbusters where all the spirits start fleeing the containment wall and zooming around new york
LIVVY: complete with the sirens and the con-ed guy going "oh, SHIT"
HOLLY: No, you need the creepy lava music from SMB World 1-4
LIVVY: and i want a gigantic, grinning sun to attempt to destroy anyone who tries to object
HOLLY: I hate that thing. It's impossible to get around...oh. I see your point.
LIVVY: rick moranis to officiate, with the gozer statue still in place on his head, even as the rest of his body is free
HOLLY: "To have and to hold, on a mountain of skulls, on a river of blood, on a throne of pain"
LIVVY: you know how sometimes people cross out of the blue and into the black...?
LIVVY: i think we're there
LIVVY: and i dont ever wanna go back.