Snarkastic

CHIEFS v. COLTS

Okay, obviously I'm picking the Colts, and here's why. Despite perceived inconsistencies on defense, they're playing in the RCA Dome, they're no longer burdened with the expectations that go hand-in-hand with being the first seed in the AFC, and THEY ARE LED BY PEYTON MANNING. The Colt defense can perform on occasion, and they will be highly motivated to shift any blame for any possible failure from themselves onto Peyton. Therefore, they will play magnificently, negating KC's decent running game and allowing Peyton to relax and do what he does best: throw touchdowns and win games. Colts win this.

COWBOYS vs SEAHAWKS

Let's get something straight right now: Tony Romo is not the next coming of Johnny Unitas. He's not even the next coming of Joey Harrington. He's a decent QB who looks great in comparison with the black hole that is Drew Bledsoe. He's had some lucky breaks, and he has an occasionally brilliant (if chronically unreliable and butterfingered) receiver in Terrell Owens and a safe bet at RB in Julius Jones. Therefore, he's had some success. But let's not get carried away. His team is imploding around him; even Bill Parcells knows the Cowboys are destined for imminent failure. The only question is whether it will come in Round 1 or Round 2. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the Cowboys will almost mystically survive the sedated Seahawks and then get pulverized in the second round. Shaun Alexander is coming off an injury and he's still not at full power. Do you want to pin your hopes on a team quarterbacked by Hasselbeck? I didn't think so.

JETS vs PATRIOTS
New England had the chance of resting their starters against Tennessee and chose not to do so, going for the hard win and jeapordizing their playoff hopes by banging up Brady and Co in the hopes that Indy would lose and they would seal up home-field advantage. The Jets had no such luxury; they had to fight their way into the playoffs with everything they had, working Chad Pennington like one of those gigantic Mumaks in Return of the King. I don't care what anyone says about Chad; his mom was my English teacher, he went to my high school, and I love him. I think his past injuries have made people think he's innacurate and untalented, which could not be further from the truth. The Jets can't believe their luck in getting into the postseason, and they're proud of Pennington: they want to win this game, and badly. The Patriots are looking ahead to a possible matchup with Indy, and they're going to get embarassed by Chad and his preternaturally gifted, underrated receivers.

GIANTS vs EAGLES
It's hilarious that they managed to get to the playoffs without McNabb, and by "hilarious", I mean "an abomination". He is ridiculously talented, and even if his replacement has managed to win games, he hasn't done it with the explosive energy that McNabb has. It is this energy that will be lacking on the Eagles sideline. The only question is who will have less energy: the Eagles or the team of drunken circus bears parading around in Giants uniforms? Eli Manning finally regained some form last week, after almost a full season of making it painfully obvious that he'd rsther be attending classes at the Chicago Art Institute, whose admissions letter Archie tore up when he was eighteen, screaming that no son of his was going to be some fruity painter, while Peyton snickered, throwing footballs through a tire. Tiki Barber is a babe, and his sexy voice and use of multisyllabic words totally rocks my world, but he does not give a rat's ass about the Giants, a Superbowl Ring, or his own stats and records. He just wants to get this over with and put on some pancake makeup and get in front of some klieg lights already. This is the playoff equivalent of a bum fight, and even with the presence of foxes like Eli and Tiki, I just don't care enough about their team to pick them. And neither do they. Eagles win while McNabb sits in front of his tv with a bowl of Campbell's Chunky Soup.

Additionally, wouldn't it be great to watch a Cowboys-Colts game with Mike Vanderjagt? He'd be sitting there, muttering constantly under his breath, thousands of uprights carved into the splintering wood of his headboard, muttering "LACES OUT" like that guy in Ace Ventura.

I'm still coming to terms with my freak-outedness over the Colts even having to PLAY in the wildcard game, so mine will be up later. In the meantime, check this out. I made the mistake of reading it at work, and had to go outside to calm down.

COLTS v CHIEFS

Colts. Because. Because of the Chiefs secondary.

COWBOYS v SEAHAWKS

Cowboys. The Tuna.

EAGLES v GIANTS

Eagles. B West.

JETS v PATRIOTS

Pats. Jets don't have playoff potential.

Okay, here we go with my very objective picks.

Chiefs v. Colts - Colts, obv, Peyton Manning on horseback will kick a hole in the chest of each chief he encounters as he rides, cackling, along the Trail of Tears.

Cowboys v. Seahawks - Seahawks. I originally was going to go Cowboys, but then I realized that, while the Seahawk isn't an actual bird name, it IS a fighter aircraft and Navy helicopter. That doesn't even seem fair.

Jets v. Patriots - Jets. Again, when the other team's mascot is a flying hunk of stealth metal with machine guns coming out its (figurative?) ears, fancy three-cornered hats will not save you from impending doom.

Giants v. Eagles - Eagles. Go for the eyes.

God, it's such a clusterfuck this year. I'm too bizzy catching up at work to be wordy like Joan or funny like Spawn (seriously, baby, there is NO SHAME in picking mascots...it would have served some of us very well during the regular season).

Colts. I'm never, ever, ever picking against Peyton, ever, even if the contest in question is the Russian Federation Ladies Skating Championships. (Don't you think he'd look fetching?)

Seahawks. Romo carried the WolfBearClownSharks for a few weeks, but I'd think twice before discounting Seattle at home with a good team, and the Cowboys are, shall we say, Not.

Patriots. Hard, hard-earned postseason thesis: Don't bet against Brady in January. Ever.

Giants. It's wishful thinking at best, but wouldn't you love to watch the blogosphere backlash against a Manning-Manning Super Bowl?

Moo's picks:

Colts (she is Johnny Unitas' goddaughter, after all)
Cowboys (she likes that they kicked Vanderjagt off the team)
Jets (she knows that we all hate the Patriots, and I think she is afraid to pick them)
Eagles (as much as she likes the Mannings, she's fully aware that Eli is not at top form)