Snarkastic

Laff Riot 39: "That's fast for someone anyone's size, although I suppose any play designed for an offensive lineman to run 40 yards is probably ill-conceived."

3:56:30 PM JOAN: :drawing highlander sword:
4:01:36 PM JOAN: I CANT WAIT FOR THE DRAFT
4:42:20 PM JOAN: GOOD OL WHISKEY
4:42:22 PM HOLLY: Lord, beer me strength.
4:43:30 PM HOLLY: Remember when we were driving down the Strip
4:43:34 PM HOLLY: and we yelled that out the window
4:43:52 PM HOLLY: and those guys next to us raised their cups that they had in the car and they were all, "tequila!"
4:43:59 PM JOAN: YES
4:44:01 PM JOAN: i had forgotten
4:45:24 PM JOAN: i imagine if the browns don't take him, brady quinn will start screaming that into the camera
4:46:46 PM HOLLY: I bet you anything he doesn't drink.
4:46:48 PM HOLLY: Douchebag.
5:25:03 PM JOAN: Holly, HE GOES TO NOTRE DAME.
5:25:09 PM JOAN: And he has an Irish name.
5:25:23 PM JOAN: He probably carries a flask in his athletic cup.
5:25:41 PM HOLLY: Yeah, but he's the weak, soft brother destined for the church.
5:25:58 PM JOAN: I'm not judging, mind; I also come from a Catholic-Irish family, and I know if I had an athletic cup, I would carry booze in it.
5:26:40 PM JOAN: No, he's the goody-two shoes brother who secretly drinks Wild Roses after every time he drops a girl off at her front door
5:26:48 PM HOLLY: Or aftershave.
5:27:06 PM JOAN: Or potato beer.
5:27:09 PM HOLLY: Or ethanol mixed with diet sprite.
5:27:32 PM JOAN: Or a vial of Charlie Weis' back sweat.
5:27:49 PM HOLLY: You win.
5:27:52 PM HOLLY: And yet, we all lose.
5:35:20 PM JOAN: (insert virginia reel music here)

6:51:10 PM JOAN: they should definitely start the draft at midnight
6:51:14 PM JOAN: i would definitely watch that shit
6:51:41 PM JOAN: as the strike of midnight sounds, roger goodell approaches the podium with a gigantic pair of size 14 glass slippers and forces jamarcus russell to put them on
6:52:55 PM JOAN: "I SAID PUT THEM ON, YOU FUCKING CRYBABY"
6:53:10 PM JOAN: and then pacman jones and chris henry are forced to pull him offstage, dressed like horses
6:54:04 PM JOAN: It's unclear to me why we don't run the NFL draft.
6:54:24 PM HOLLY: HONESTLY.
6:54:50 PM JOAN: And not just for the music montages
6:55:49 PM JOAN: We should also make sure that any players who are faking cell phone convos as the camera zooms in on them are accordingly punished
6:56:13 PM HOLLY: Like call their phones and have them ring really loud in their ears.
6:56:20 PM JOAN: Preferably, we should program the phone to start ringing shrilly with a ringtone like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
6:57:16 PM JOAN: Imagine Brady Quinn sitting there horrified as he drops out of the top 10, pretending to be on the phone chatting unconcernedly to his agent as the camera zooms in on his pain, and then BAM! The phone starts trilling the theme song from Mulan at top volume.
6:57:27 PM JOAN: Caught in his web of lies

6:58:13 PM JOAN: Here's what I would do if I was a first round prospect
6:58:43 PM JOAN: After every pick, I would quietly excuse myself, go to the bathroom, and change my undershirt from one with the team logo of the team that just picked to one with the logo of the next pick
6:58:48 PM JOAN: Until finally I got picked
6:59:01 PM JOAN: At which point I would go onstage and rip the shirt open, exposing the Chargers logo, and bellowing like a beast
6:59:05 PM JOAN: People would love it
6:59:11 PM JOAN: They'd be all "SHE KNEW"
6:59:18 PM JOAN: "SOMEHOW, SHE KNEW"
6:59:49 PM JOAN: It would be so much better than meekly accepting the jersey/hat.
7:00:09 PM JOAN: This could also work with temporary tattoos and rubbing alcohol.
7:00:24 PM JOAN: Although I bet if I took the stage reeking of rubbing alcohol, Roger Goodell would have my head on the spot.
7:00:57 PM HOLLY: Or he'd use you to clean out his ears.
7:04:14 PM JOAN: I would love it if somebody showed up dressed like Pacman tomorrow
7:04:37 PM HOLLY: YES
7:05:18 PM JOAN: Or if whoever the Titans draft grins slyly and exposes a ghost tattoo
7:06:44 PM HOLLY: *pours some out for Inky Johnson, because that would have been FUCKING BRILLIANT.*

7:13:10 PM HOLLY: I bet you anything that's not when they start picking
7:13:45 PM JOAN: no they have a contractual obligation to let chris berman be an unmitigated assface for at least 60 minutes before it's roger goodell's turn to douche it up
7:14:14 PM HOLLY: Your implication that Berman's assfacedness will cease at the end of this hour is erroneous.
7:14:57 PM JOAN: my mistake. i merely meant to imply that at the end of this hour, his assholery will have reached such gargantuan proportions that espn will feel compelled to cut away
7:15:20 PM HOLLY: We're ascribing conscience to the WWL?
7:15:39 PM JOAN: they have a gag reflex
7:15:42 PM JOAN: ask stuart scott
7:15:57 PM HOLLY: BOOYAH

See also: Ladies... Draft Coverage.

Posted by Nastinchka at April 28, 2007 07:30 AM