Snarkastic

Laff Riot 42: Laff, the Universe, and Everything

9:55:01 AM Holly (Autoreply): This stilted stab at humor brought to you by the letter "At work" and the number "since 7 this morning."

10:46:38 AM T-Money: on wednesday night, i had to do a bit of practice oral advocacy in my state and local tax class. we were talking about whether this one division of a company had sufficiently distanced itself from its parent so that the two could be considered separate or whether they were "unitary." (i was advocating that they were separate.)
10:48:04 AM Nastinchka: ....you used the word "Canadia", didn't you?
10:48:21 AM T-Money: better
10:48:22 AM T-Money: i said, "although [company a] did create [company b], company b has already slid down a's birth canal. the umbilical cord has been severed. b has grown out of its infancy and is no longer suckling at a's teat. in fact, b is standing on the precipice of adulthood, ready to sew its wild oats in industries which a never considered entering."
10:48:43 AM T-Money: reaction? stunned silence.
10:48:48 AM Nastinchka: ..."teat" is better. By which I mean worse. You're right.
10:49:01 AM T-Money: (consequently, we won.)

11:36:52 AM Livia: i might get a pony costume and some cowboy boots and go as john's girlfriend
11:37:03 AM Nastinchka: I WAS ABOUT TO SAY THAT
11:37:08 AM Nastinchka: I'M NOT KIDDING
11:37:16 AM Livia: FREAKMONSTER
11:37:20 AM Nastinchka: WAIT
11:37:23 AM Nastinchka: I HAVE A BETTER IDEA
11:38:01 AM Nastinchka: One of us dresses up like a ballerina, one of us dresses up as a cowgirl, and we las ourselves together with rappelling rope and go as his ideal woman.
11:38:31 AM Livia: OH
11:38:32 AM Livia: MY
11:38:32 AM Livia: GOD
11:38:36 AM Livia: YES
11:38:37 AM Livia: YES
11:38:37 AM Livia: YES
11:38:59 AM Livia: sold.

1:05:23 AM Spawn: wow
1:05:24 AM Spawn: I know him
1:05:26 AM Spawn: long time no see
1:05:34 AM Spawn: long time no fucking any of my friends, too

6:45:09 PM Nastinchka: Just petting?
6:45:22 PM Livia: and making jokes about rape and blank, faceless evil

1:31:18 PM 'Box: *purrs*
1:31:23 PM Nastinchka: NEVER
1:31:24 PM Nastinchka: EVER
1:31:26 PM Nastinchka: AGAIN.
1:31:36 PM 'Box: *retracts*
1:32:15 PM Nastinchka: Joan and I are hooking you and ***** up over break, just so you can be exposed to a screaming queen and be deterred from such behavior yourself.
1:32:23 PM 'Box: oh. k
1:32:25 PM 'Box: huh
1:32:30 PM 'Box: have I been on the verge?
1:32:36 PM 'Box: it's ok, you can tell me
1:32:38 PM Nastinchka: You. Just. Purred.
1:32:53 PM 'Box: ok. You might be on to something

I'm sick of telling this one (almost), so here it is for history. And yes, this really happened.
2:43:51 PM Spawn: prom nails did a number on my typing.
2:44:02 PM Spawn: but I've never grown my nails out just for the fun of watching others squirm
2:45:26 PM Nastinchka: I am. And it's worth it and everything, but I was trolling for snarks in my IM log last night, and it reads like I've been drunk for two weeks.
2:45:49 PM Spawn: why?
2:46:35 PM Nastinchka: He has six inches, many pounds of muscle on me. I need one weapon.
2:46:48 PM Spawn: mane
2:46:56 PM Nastinchka: (It's hard to toss your hair when you're flat on your back, so I need another weapon.)
2:46:58 PM Nastinchka: ...You asked.
2:47:11 PM Spawn: I DIDN'T ask
2:47:15 PM Spawn: there was NO question mark
2:47:19 PM Spawn: I was just being HORRIFIED
2:47:19 PM Nastinchka: You implied curiosity!
2:47:24 PM Spawn: FILTHY DARK DETAILS
2:47:34 PM Nastinchka: What? It's natural, and totally unsurprising.
2:47:34 PM Spawn: AND THE SHERIFF WILL NOT SHUT THEM DOWN
2:50:56 PM Nastinchka: I'll tell you a funny story to banish the Squick, if you'd like.
2:51:06 PM Spawn: yes
2:53:40 PM Nastinchka: So it takes me a while to wake up in the morning.
2:54:05 PM Spawn: ugh. I knew I got that from somewhere.
2:54:06 PM Nastinchka: And until I do, I'm very bewildered and a little confused.
2:55:11 PM Nastinchka: So one day last summer we had just seen Batman.
2:55:39 PM Nastinchka: And you know how in Batman the guy's all "I swear to God" and Batman's all "SWEAR TO ME!!!!"
2:56:01 PM Spawn: yes
2:56:04 PM Nastinchka: Well, I wake up.
2:56:07 PM Nastinchka: Sort of...
2:56:08 PM Nastinchka: Barely.
2:56:29 PM Nastinchka: And he's over at his kitchen counter, on one of those stools.
2:56:50 PM Nastinchka: And I yawn, and stretch out my arms, and mumble, cutely, "Play with me".
2:57:38 PM Nastinchka: And he turns, cocks his head not unlike A Dinosaur, BOUNDS toward me, jumps on the bed, lands right in my face and bellows,"PLAY WITH ME!!!!" in his very skurriest voice.
2:58:57 PM Spawn: oh god.
2:59:00 PM Spawn: I would have died.
2:59:06 PM Nastinchka: And it was early.
2:59:11 PM Nastinchka: And I was still confused.
2:59:20 PM Nastinchka: So my first reaction was to burst into tears.
3:01:28 PM Spawn: no way
3:01:41 PM Nastinchka: I'm serious.
3:01:57 PM Spawn: no, I understand that
3:01:52 PM Nastinchka: And of course, he is laughing his ass off, while I'm sitting there sobbing and gasping, "why-*hic*-are-*hic*-you-*hic*-so*hic*-mean*hic*-to*hic*-meeeee??" Then he got kinda quiet.
3:02:08 PM Nastinchka: But once I stop crying he thinks it's pretty funny.
3:04:00 PM Spawn: no, I wake up like that *every* morning.
3:04:07 PM Nastinchka: It's funny now.
3:04:34 PM Nastinchka: Because that was the third consecutive day that he had done damage to me in bed, although the first two times involved him flailing while asleep.
3:08:29 PM Spawn: his flailing is pretty serious I'd imagine
3:08:54 PM Nastinchka: It's like the whomping willow. Only leafless and unconscious.

Nastinchka: (insert bathing in bleach, own blood, or syrup of Sutekh joke here)
Livia: I'm tired of having Jesse always be the crux of all our anger-management problems

9:06:12 PM T-Money: or maybe, as the song says, i'm just hungry like the wolf
9:06:28 PM Nastinchka: Even if it's wrong, I like that answer so much better.
9:06:48 PM T-Money: awwooooooooooo
9:07:00 PM T-Money: (it's hard to do a wolf howl in im)
9:07:12 PM Nastinchka: Tolsun, is blood like wine?
9:07:24 PM Nastinchka: (That's the lyric, right? I'm so happy I don't know.)
9:07:48 PM T-Money: i smell like a sound / i'm lost and i'm found
9:07:58 PM T-Money: juices like wine / and grinding inside
9:08:03 PM T-Money: those are some of the lyrics. aren't they dumb/dirty?
9:08:11 PM T-Money: i know the entire song, desafortunamente
9:08:37 PM Nastinchka:brave little toaster.

4:02:05 PM Nastinchka: eh. I'll live. FOR YOU.
4:02:16 PM 'Box: hee. and god love ya
4:03:05 PM Nastinchka: Even after all my accidental holocaust joke?
4:03:29 PM 'Box: well, god still loves me last time I checked
4:10:38 PM Nastinchka: And I'M not a SODOMITE.
4:11:41 PM 'Box: well, then you should be fine
4:12:00 PM 'Box: I get special treatment for.....look, god just loves, alright?
4:26:26 PM Nastinchka: For what? Fisting?
4:26:48 PM Nastinchka: Special treatment for Fisting! I should've gone to confirmation classes. Mom was right.
4:26:58 PM 'Box: I had to look up and remind myself of what in the hell we were talking about for a second
4:27:07 PM 'Box: but I'm not catholic

10:09:37 AM Nastinchka: Why isn't he online? Selfish.
10:10:01 AM Chuckles: I don't think he ever gets online.
10:10:20 AM Nastinchka: then he doesn't get to complain about never being in the posts
10:11:42 AM Chuckles: I get the feeling more and more that, since he got back from THE ULTIMATE EUROPEAN EXPERIENCE!!!!!!, that he doesn't enjoy taking part in anything he can't dominate and control from the beginning. I base this mostly on the sounds he makes when he does his math homework.

11:42:04 AM 'Box: we just don't like our Holly-free Christmas socializing
11:42:40 AM Nastinchka: Could've fooled me last year with Christmas Movie.
11:42:46 AM Nastinchka: *sulk*
11:42:48 AM 'Box: ohhh......
11:43:01 AM 'Box: umm.....*shuffles feet*....umm......oh god, a bat!!!
11:43:32 AM Nastinchka: I plan on leveraging to the best of my (considerable) abilities the fact that I'm only in town for three days.
11:43:52 AM 'Box: that's perfectly reasonable. I can't believe I just did epic battle with a loose bat
11:44:04 AM 'Box: a loose, distracting, bat......
11:46:23 AM 'Box: we really didn't mean it to be a slight, but I understand how these things work
11:46:32 AM 'Box: umm......this fuCKING Bat just keeps attacking me!~!!!
11:46:33 AM 'Box: Shit
11:46:36 AM 'Box: it's got real pointy fangs
11:46:45 AM 'Box: it's settled
11:46:54 AM 'Box: I am all that is man, and bat's are giant pussies
11:46:56 AM Nastinchka: What did y'all end up seeing?
11:47:00 AM 'Box: bats
11:47:03 AM 'Box: not bats possessive
11:47:06 AM 'Box: um....Munich
11:48:00 AM Nastinchka: Seriously, whose idea was it?
11:48:05 AM 'Box: I guess our movie had as many eviscerations
11:48:06 AM 'Box: no.
11:48:07 AM 'Box: it....
11:48:09 AM 'Box: it was......
11:48:11 AM 'Box: .....
11:48:13 AM 'Box: ....
11:48:18 AM Nastinchka: Was it you?
11:48:20 AM Nastinchka: Seriously?
11:48:32 AM 'Box: bats
11:48:33 AM 'Box: everywhere
11:49:01 AM Nastinchka: Jesse. The tenor of this post depends on the skin-thickness of the offending party. I seriously can't remember.
11:49:06 AM 'Box: you're v. pretty and I'm sorry......
11:49:09 AM 'Box: it was me
11:49:15 AM Nastinchka: Oh, it's ON.
11:49:43 AM 'Box: oh......shit......I forgot for a second you meant post as in snarkastic and not the relative privacy of right here
11:49:50 AM Nastinchka: Yup.
11:49:51 AM 'Box: oh lord
11:49:58 AM 'Box: I've wrought this upon myself with my cinema snobbery
11:50:19 AM Nastinchka: Wolf Creek was terrible, btw.
11:50:30 AM 'Box: I'm sure it was, but that was supposed to be the point of christmas movie, yeah?
11:50:32 AM Nastinchka: YES
11:50:35 AM 'Box: yeah
11:50:47 AM 'Box: I had sand in my crotch
11:51:04 AM 'Box: that had it's moments of unfortunate noise
11:51:16 AM 'Box: dammit. I've lost all control of the apostrophe!
11:52:32 AM 'Box: no, this'll be funny, but remember my panegyric to your boobs.
11:52:45 AM Nastinchka: How could I forget?

10:05:43 AM Chuckles: Did I warn you about The Great Experiment?
10:05:56 AM Chuckles: No Shave November
10:06:00 AM Nastinchka: ......?
10:06:20 AM Chuckles: I shaved on October 30th and I don't plan on shaving again until Dec. 1st.
10:06:22 AM Nastinchka: I mean, it kinda speaks for itself, but I'm right to be scared, right?
10:06:49 AM Nastinchka: God, can you imagine Jesse's neck-beard if he went a whole month?
10:07:03 AM Nastinchka: Alternatively, have you ever read Where The Wild Things Are?

9:11:16 AM Nastinchka: *magic bullet voice* You know how our college weekends would've been a lot more pleasant if we'd only had Clorox wipes in 2003/4?

3:32:54 PM Livia: let me paint you a little picture
3:33:13 PM Livia: i'm in my grad carrel gazing at the stadium, sequestered in hodges library, there is literally no one around
3:33:59 PM Livia: finished with my classwork, i discover IT in my backpack, discover that it has audio commentary by john ritter, discover that the laptop, headphones, and cheerwine i need to truly enjoy this are all in my bag.
3:35:46 PM Livia: if you've never seen the clown's face coming at you from a computer furnished by the english department, sitting in an assigned space that allows you to gaze panoramically at neyland, and huffing ground-up smarties like there's no tomorrow, i highly recommend it. and yes, i do feel this is the best use of my time and talents in the pursuit of a master's degree.

12:29:14 PM LaserSharkBear: whenever you say something's easy someone always ends up dead
12:30:07 PM Nastinchka: You say that like it's a bad thing.
12:30:22 PM LaserSharkBear: I miss Grandma
12:30:55 PM Nastinchka: Well, as she would say, fuck it.

For the record, I'm pretty sure we did both:
11:12:32 AM Chuckles: I am somewhat surprised we made it back from Disney World alive. That really was a mirical.
11:12:40 AM Chuckles: *miracle
11:12:41 AM Nastinchka: god, for real
11:15:52 AM Chuckles: I know your teens are supposed to be your time to do stupid things. Looking back I think it takes a special kind of stupid to sword fight with light-up plastic swords when you're in high school.
11:16:31 AM Chuckles: But if the alternative is getting wasted and trying acid, well, I think we came out ahead.
11:16:37 AM Nastinchka: you drew blood. and it fucking hurt. at least you were dedicated.
11:17:19 AM Chuckles: Male pride kept me from losing to a girl. It wasn't personal. I was desperate.

3:02:46 PM PB: Hey, off the top of your head, can you think of any particular funny clips/bits from EDSBS LIVE? NowLive is putting together a promotional compilation and asked us to submit something. Must be curse-free, which makes it damn near impossible.
3:05:09 PM Nastinchka: Jesus, next thing you'll be telling me is they actually need to be about football.
3:05:26 PM PB: I know; I'm inclined to just say "Sorry."

JHC: So help me, if you girls go and shamelessly flirt with him in my comment thread right now, i will be genuinely pissed.
Nastinchka: ...but!
Bella::But...but...he bested a nutria.
JHC: Dude....
Nastinchka: ....sorry, I already did.
JHC: DUDE!
Nastinchka: .....ACCENT!
Bella: You'd better make this up to me. I hate nutria.
JHC: Go 'head. He probably used a gun and his was cooler. He probably used his fuckin Cajun accent too.
Nastinchka: How is it our fault you were born in Middle America?
JHC: Yeah, it's a shame they grow 'em tall and lean and sexually charged up here. What a waste...

9:34:15 AM Allais: So the other day matt and I had a three hour IM conversation about naming our kids after star wars characters
9:35:40 AM Nastinchka: My mom has this great story about being in a dressing room at Macy's with three little kids crawling out from under their mom's door. From her screams, Mom was able to discern the kids were named Galaxy, Ariel, and Han Solo.
9:36:21 AM Allais: Oh my....I think we've settled on Mos Eisley Jordan, and Leia Organa Jordan
9:36:58 AM Nastinchka: I would love to cross-stitch a little pillow for the crib that has a baby face on it and says "Mommy's little wretched hive of scum and villainy"
9:37:13 AM Allais: That should so be a onesie!
9:37:23 AM Nastinchka: Done.
9:37:43 AM Nastinchka: That saves me coming up with a shower gift in a couple years. *dusts off hands*
9:38:24 AM Allais: I smell a lucrative internet business
9:39:05 AM Nastinchka: Seriously,we're going to look into this wedding planning thing.
9:41:09 AM Allais: Well, if joan makes it to the altar first, I want to borrow the Ecto-1
9:41:16 AM Nastinchka: Done.
9:42:13 AM Allais: Can I have a Blade Runner wedding?
9:42:49 AM Nastinchka: BRILLIANT
9:43:10 AM Nastinchka: I told you about Steve's wedding in Vegas, right?
9:43:27 AM Allais: I don't think so
9:43:35 AM Allais: Was it on a holodeck?
9:43:54 AM Nastinchka: there were three urns on the altar at the chapel, two small ones and a bigger one
9:44:00 AM Nastinchka: And we were all "What's that about"?
9:44:10 AM Nastinchka: And the priest, towards the end of the ceremony, starts talking about how marriage is an inextricable bond, and how once they take this step they'll never be able to separate their lives.
9:44:18 AM Nastinchka: And then he says
9:44:32 AM Nastinchka: "To demonstrate the permanence of this commitment, Barbara and Steve will now merge their Lego collections".
9:44:39 AM Nastinchka: And they each take an urn and pour them into the big one
9:44:44 AM Nastinchka: mixing all their legos for all time.
9:44:46 AM Allais: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
9:44:59 AM Nastinchka: Which is pretty much the greatest metaphor for marriage EVER.
9:45:07 AM Nastinchka: I mean, how could you separate the collections after that?
9:45:32 AM Allais: Wow, I totally wish we hadn't lost our legos over the years
9:45:40 AM Nastinchka: Buy new ones, just for that.
9:45:50 AM Nastinchka: I'd lay money that at least three of "our" weddings will require a multi-person FX crew
9:46:05 AM Nastinchka: we'll have cast/crew lists in our weddding programs
9:46:14 AM Allais: Yeah, I kinda want mine to involve blood packs
9:46:27 AM Nastinchka: I mean it must be in the air, because I JUST talked to Marshall about this last week....ZOMBIE WEDDING
9:47:10 AM Allais: You know what? We'd talked about having a ceremony in OR with a little punch and cake and pictures, and then having the "real party" later
9:47:16 AM Allais: that could totally be a zombie wedding
9:47:19 AM Nastinchka: SEE?
9:47:40 AM Allais: I LOVE ZOMBIES
9:47:50 AM Nastinchka: ZOMBIE KITTEN SHOWER
9:47:58 AM Nastinchka: Because showers are supposed to be cute
9:48:04 AM Nastinchka: I WANT TO BE A WEDDING PLANNER
9:48:40 AM Allais: DUNE wedding....From this day forward walk without rhythm and you won't attract the worm.
9:49:05 AM Nastinchka: *sigh*....since I was a little girl,I've always wanted a Dune wedding....
9:49:31 AM Nastinchka: In sickness, health, spice, and drinking your own urine.
9:51:46 AM Allais: I want Sting to take a dust shower at my reception
9:51:56 AM Allais: who needs a band?
9:51:59 AM Nastinchka: ....with his lute.
9:53:32 AM Allais: okay, zombie wedding it is
9:54:32 AM Nastinchka: Save the date....and bottled water
9:54:55 AM Nastinchka: Oh my GOD, we haven't even gotten into the party favor possibilites
9:55:12 AM Nastinchka: Which is, like, three days' worth of more conversation
9:55:28 AM Allais: little tulle bundles of jelly brains tied with intestines?
9:56:14 AM Nastinchka: Possibilites are endless
9:59:23 AM Allais: i think i'm still stuck on blade runner
10:00:29 AM Nastinchka: Which brings up the trouble of dressing your bridesmaids identically, down to their faces (replicants)
10:01:15 AM Allais: It might be 2019 when I graduate
10:01:42 AM Nastinchka: Everyone wins.
10:04:02 AM Allais: A new life awaits you in the off-world colonies. Amen.
10:04:05 AM Nastinchka: My only hard and fast requirement, at this point, is the inclusion of up up down down left right left right B A select start in my own nuptials
10:04:24 AM Allais: you're every man's dream
10:05:23 AM Nastinchka: Tell me about it.

Posted by Nastinchka at July 2, 2007 02:44 PM