Snarkastic

Don't Cross The Streams: NCAA 2007

I have so much work to get through before I take off for the desert this weekend that I'm honestly about to die of exasperation. In the meantime: Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her rankings, which, if history is any indication, will outstrip my own as far as accuracy but whose glory will dim next to my victory in the 2007-2008 Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression Fantasy Football League.

Choose the Form of the Destructor

I am proud to present the First Annual Gozer the Gozerian NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on strength of schedule, returning starters, returning Gatekeepers and/or Keymasters, and reported injuries. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Gozer the Gozerian, Zuul 1, Zuul 2, Slimer, The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, the Weird Pink Mood Ooze, Viggo the Carpathian, and Coach Mink Coat That Came To Life And Chased That Rich Lady.

1. LSU

GOZER SAYS: There is no justification in the world for ranking USC above LSU. The Tigers would destroy them in head to head combat. They also play a much tougher schedule (featuring no less than six solid Top 25 teams) and have stronger returning players (Matt Flynn and Early Doucet). When in doubt, just picture the intimidating Tiger Stadium. As an old friend once said, "there was a building or something with flames coming out of it, and there were creatures writhing around, and they were growling and snarling. And there were flames, and I heard a voice say 'Zuul'! (Pointing at seemingly innocuous stadium) It was right here!"

2 West Virginia

GOZER SAYS: I really struggled with myself over this one, but I think they're in a much stronger position than Texas, and also I have a WVU shirt and I don't have a Texas shirt (courtesy of the Mountaineering Andersons [That's WFVU to you. Also, the fact that we were wearing those during last year's Cal game makes me want to pack mine for Berkeley. --ed.]). So they reap the benefits. However, they play a noticeably weak schedule, with only two likely ranked opponents (unless my Terps somehow step it up), so WVU and Steve Slaton will really have to dominate to maintain this position. Remember, Steve, if someone asks you if you are a god, you say yes; otherwise, be prepared for destruction.

3 Michigan

GOZER SAYS: I hate Michigan so much, but they're good, and deserve to be here. They have several strong opponents and the combo of Henne/Manningham should continue to erase defenders with the deep ball. Of course, this offensive scheme would get owned by almost any team in the SEC, but Michigan has wisely elected not to play any of them in the regular season, when the SEC would show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown.

4 USC

GOZER SAYS: I'm not buying the hype. They lose at least two this season. My prayer is that Harrison Smith [GOD DAMMIT do not foster a grudging affection for Notre Dame in me. --ed.] and Jimmy Clausen will rise from the newly minted Irish mediocrity and have one brief shining moment against them, which will drop USC like a stone, but that is probably too much to hope for. So many teams could drop them: Oregon, O State, Nebraska, maybe even a desperate Cal. Why do I rank them so low, you ask? Simple: tons of returning starters do not assure you a national title. Ask Leinart and Bush. Also, they have been at the top so long now that their cockiness this season may just be their downfall. What I mean is Old Testament, real wrath-of-God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes...The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together -- mass hysteria.

5 Texas

GOZER SAYS: Injuries and too-frequent arrests prohibit me from ranking them above USC, as does their questionable early season schedule. But Colt McCoy has shown that he can be a season-ruiner for other teams, so watch out for them. After all, the door swings both ways, they could reverse the particle flow through the gate by crossing the streams.

6 Ohio State

GOZER SAYS: I was all set to put Louisville in this slot, but for some reason my fingers just would not do it. Call it a gut feeling. Bobby Petrino's defection to the hapless Cardinals taints the school with failure before the first snap. They lost too many stars to the draft, and Brian Brohm is only one man. I feel that they're going down. People judge OSU too harshly for the national championship game, but bear this in mind: that was the natural result of the Big 10 challenging the SEC. Since Ohio State plays what can only be described as a truly pitiful schedule this fall, featuring almost zero teams of consequence before their last game against Michigan, they should play well in the polls.

7 Oklahoma

GOZER SAYS:...where the winds come sweeping down the plains, and by winds I mean touchdowns, and by plains I mean fields. They play a lot of tough games that they can win, and Reggie Smith is a beast for the D. He is Viggo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!

8 Wisconsin

GOZER SAYS: I don't know why, but I just cannot buy into the Virginia Tech predictions. Why? Oh, I don't know. Perhaps it's that second game of the season--where they visit Death Valley (a game I will be SHOCKED if the Tigers lose: try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. Total protonic reversal). Wisconsin, however, was good enough to beat a strong Arkansas in their bowl game, and is returning enough starters to have good juju (although their back to back matchups against Ohio State and Michigan in November do not bode well).

9 Tennessee

GOZER SAYS: After the first three games, I fully expect that Tennessee will be in the AP Top 10, where we rightfully belong, thanks to Ainge, Foster, Colquitt and the like. OH, AND DAVID CUTCLIFFE [*cooing* --ed.]. On a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, he sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil! No further explanation is necessary.

10 Auburn

GOZER SAYS: Georgia will choke. Big time. So will Florida. Of the remaining SEC teams, I think Auburn is stronger than South Carolina (they lack depth of talent), Arkansas (they will self-destruct courtesy of Houston Nutt), or Alabama. (You know that speech Rhett Butler gives at Twelve Oaks, about how all the Confederates have is cotton, slaves, and arrogance, but they're all cocky and think they're going to win anyway, and he just sidles out, smirking to himself? Ladies and Gentlemen, the 2007 Crimson Tide.)

Posted by Nastinchka at August 22, 2007 09:25 PM