Snarkastic

Laff Riot Summer Reruns: Stunt Casting

2:44:12 PM Livia: GNNNNN I HATE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA
2:44:45 PM Nastinchka: For non-football related reasons?
2:44:55 PM Livia: their website is so deliberately confusing
2:46:54 PM Livia: its almost like they know i am from tennessee and dont want me to apply
2:47:02 PM Nastinchka: That could very well be.
2:47:42 PM Nastinchka: You know what was weird? They sent my acceptance letter for undergrad (I applied to tease my father) ALARMINGLY fast. Like, a matter of weeks. At the time, I thought it was funny, but looking back it seems like A Trap.
2:48:39 PM Livia: i can go there for free, which is nice.
2:50:16 PM Livia: Technically, I'm also a resident of Alabama.
2:50:25 PM Livia: Hello, Auburn University.
2:50:50 PM Nastinchka: Ew. Goodbye, Auburn university.
2:51:10 PM Livia: It's nice, though, to be able to go to college for free in THREE states.
2:51:50 PM Nastinchka: Yesh.
2:52:13 PM Livia: screw you FAFSA!!! (desperate, braying, hysterical laughter)
2:52:33 PM Nastinchka: That was a pretty good Stewart impression.
2:53:45 PM Livia: it's gonna kill him if i get into Georgia.
2:54:01 PM Nastinchka: I hope that's inspiring you to really put some thought into your application.
2:54:15 PM Livia: You know, it really is
2:54:20 PM Livia: Just out of spite
2:54:39 PM Livia: And not even spite...just so he knows once and for all that I am smarter, prettier, and better than him.
2:54:24 PM Nastinchka: .....you're basing your grad school choices on SEC football prowess, aren't you?
2:54:43 PM Livia: ....maybe.

9:57:17 PM Livia: when the hell does cabaret open
9:57:58 PM Nastinchka: no idea
9:58:35 PM Livia: we're going to that dressed as eva braun and the captain from das boot.

4:18:31 PM Nastinchka: There's that one Bud radio ad where the guy's saluting the giant taco salad inventor and he says in his big boomy voice: "When your wife asks, "is that reeeeally healthy?", you say OF COURSE IT IS. IT's A SALAD". 4:18:40 PM Nastinchka: And I always think of this.
4:19:37 PM T$: looks delic. i think i might have to make this at some point. oh, i made a roast the other day using fresh mint and thyme, along with some pearl onions. *drool*
4:20:27 PM Nastinchka: Awwww. WHo's my big girl? *pinches cheeks*
4:21:29 PM T$: quiet, you.
4:21:51 PM Nastinchka: *hushes, adorably*
4:22:29 PM T$: stop it. you're teetering dangerously on the edge of blue's clues cute
4:22:48 PM Nastinchka: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! *freewheels off Cute Cliff*
4:22:50 PM T$: don't go over that edge, for it is the land of paul ruebens
4:22:55 PM Nastinchka: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
4:22:55 PM T$: oop, too late
4:22:57 PM Nastinchka: *learns to fly*
4:23:04 PM Nastinchka: (*adorably*)
4:23:06 PM T$: hope you like masturbating in movie theaters.
4:23:12 PM T$: (i know i do)
4:23:17 PM Nastinchka: We know.
4:23:34 PM T$: yet you still take sips of my coke
4:24:21 PM T$: bet you didn't know it was laced with little bits of tolsun dna, did you? and if you did, how awesome is it that you think you can get preggers that way?
4:25:37 PM Nastinchka: ....Im amazed.
4:25:46 PM T$: at?
4:26:09 PM Nastinchka: I didn't think my arm would reach far enough to cross state lines, navigate Philadelphia, wiggle up your nethers, and make you say something only I would say.
4:26:24 PM Nastinchka: (Like a puppet, not a Solway Spa day-shifter).
4:26:39 PM T$: what about the night shift?
4:26:57 PM Nastinchka: Night shift you get both arms.
4:27:16 PM T$: all of this probably comes from talking to my friend at school. her mom once said she couldn't get satin underwear because, with cotton, a girl can breath.
4:27:41 PM T$: i asked, "but what if the guy isn't the cleanest in the world? doesn't that mean less fun and more stank?"
4:28:08 PM Nastinchka: ..are those last two related?
4:28:40 PM T$: alternate means of oxygen ingress and co2 egress
4:28:50 PM T$: put a pillow over her face, she ain't gonna die
4:29:19 PM Nastinchka: ......you're just trying to get posted, aren't you?
4:29:29 PM T$: no
4:29:37 PM T$: this is an hoenst-to-god conversation i had last night
4:29:40 PM T$: honest
4:30:13 PM Nastinchka: And you think that makes it BETTER?

4:12:26 PM Livia: Yeah I like how they bill it as a blend of technology and personality. I can see the tech part, but come ON....when I think "raptor", I don't really think "personality", I think "OH FUCK RUN IT'S A DINOSAUR". if i were a marketing person i would have called it a blend of technology and terror.
4:13:45 PM Nastinchka: Also? IT CAN SNIFF iTS PREY
4:13:55 PM Nastinchka: I made it sniff the salesman.
4:14:23 PM Livia: it "DISPLAYS AUTONOMOUS BEHAVIOR"?!?! what genius thought it would be a good idea to make a robotic velociraptor that could think for itself?
4:15:05 PM Nastinchka: I couldn't get it to NUZZLE me, but apparently it can do that too.

3:36:16 PM 'Bus: How in the name of all that I haven't yet crushed beneath my boots has Ticketmaster become so evil?
3:36:44 PM Nastinchka: No guts (yours, on TicketMaster's outstretched claws), no glory

MB: We could be the biggest stars NYC has ever seen
Livia: then we could break into broadway and spend every day lounging around in our apartment eating creme brulee and every night performing. can you imagine performing EVERY DAY? I would die from sheer joy.
MB: yes - we could host parties and invite Bernadette Peters over - since she would be our best friend
Livia: she totally would, she would be calling all the time, to the point where we would look at the caller ID and be like "God, it's Bernadette AGAIN."
MB: Yeh, and we'd be like "Bernadette, we told you we would sing with you on your new Sondheim album, you don't have to keep calling us and begging.
Livia: "Bernadette, have some dignity. You already won us over, you don't have to keep throwing yourself at our feet. We like you. Stop trying so hard."
MB: "yeh, Bernadette, it's flattering that you think of us this way, but calling us 5 times before its noon is a little too much...Yes, I'll sing "Move on" with you
Livia: Ah, delightful. We're just rolling our eyes in the background as she begs to come over.

Princess PrettyPants (23:57:35): and yes he is straight. which makes me think he might want to hook up with me and i dont have the strength
Nastinchka (23:58:50): Honey, you just have to lie there.
Nastinchka (23:59:19): ;-) Only joking. Go to bed
Princess PrettyPants (23:59:39): not me. im a control freak. if im gonna have a reputation then its going to be for being the best and the easiest!
Nastinchka (00:00:04): That's my girl.
Princess PrettyPants (00:00:05): plus boys these days want head and i dont just put a penis in my mouth on a whim
Nastinchka (00:00:24): True. This isn't Auburn, after all. What are they thinking?
Princess PrettyPants (00:00:49): no shit!

8:39:58 Nastinchka: DR. WU ON JURASSIC PARK CHANNEL 76 RIGHT NOW
8:40:31 Nastinchka: You've bred raptors?
8:41:31 Livia: why didnt we go DRESSED AS BD WONG to graduation
8:41:56 Nastinchka: Empirical proof that nobody's perfect, even us.

1:59:56 PM Mindojo: ever heard of Eflat13flat5flat9
2:00:10 PM Mindojo: also known as D#flat13flat5flat9
2:00:26 PM Nastinchka: ....does it have anything to do with an autoharp? I never could handle an autoharp.

'Box (15:06:53): great. Give her a big sexy hug for me
'Box (15:06:58): a little to the left
'Box (15:07:04): that's right....girls can touch
'Box (15:07:09): it's natural

6:54:54 AM Livia: Clearly, we need to go in some kind of skankariffic costume to the HP book release. What if you dressed up as a gigantic skull and I dressed up as the snake coming out of your mouth and we went as the Dark Mark?

12:20:31 AM Emit: wehn are you comeing to the show?
12:21:17 AM Emit: there are suprizes in it for you...
12:22:43 AM Nastinchka: I hear you're in drag
12:23:37 AM Emit: sit on, house right and youll see the whole show
12:23:54 AM Emit: (i'm stll no good at crossing my legs)

4:14:13 PM Livia: do you think wheeler would write me a rec??
4:14:52 PM Nastinchka: I dunno....what was your final grade?
4:15:08 PM Livia: I did well
4:15:15 PM Livia: But do you think he LIKES me enough?
4:15:25 PM Nastinchka: It's not like he has much else to do, and if you ask him when you buy his new book....
4:16:01 PM Livia: my e-mail of inquiry to him will just say "you know what she did, thomas jefferson? your cunting daughter?"
4:15:42 PM Nastinchka: WEll, I dunno. I did hear him say you had pretty eyes in the caf after fifth period.
4:16:05 PM Nastinchka: But after cheer practice I saw him talking to Sally Hargrave. That slut.
4:16:28 PM Livia: Sally Hargrave is a talentless fat-ass
4:16:40 PM Livia: will you write my rec as Sally Hargrave?
4:16:53 PM Nastinchka: Only if you write mine as Livia
4:17:30 PM Livia: done, and done.
4:21:19 PM Livia: dear USC: HRA did not murder her sons. Drusus died of his wounds, and Placina poisoned Germanicus with out instructions from me. But I had marked them both down for death. They were both infected with that infantile disorder known as 'Republicanism.' Augustus shall be a God, and because I made him so, I shall be a goddess. Poison is queen. Don't touch the figs. You may kiss me and take your leave."
4:22:01 PM Nastinchka: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
4:22:35 PM Livia: If you need a cross-reference, I'll write one from Caligula. "Grandmother Livia? They say a snake bit her once...and died."
4:25:06 PM Nastinchka: We're goddamn geniuses.
4:25:57 PM Livia: I. KNOW.
4:26:12 PM Livia: i actually wonder what the response would be if i sent in a reference from the emperor and god augustus.
4:26:49 PM Nastinchka: Pick a school you don't particularly care for and find out. it's not like it goes on your permanenet record somewhere. Worst case scenario, you give the admissions staff a giggle.
4:28:00 PM Livia: i'm doing it. baylor, here i come.
4:28:18 PM Livia: i'm gonna write one as Emperor Augustus, one as Benjamin Franklin, and one as Judy Garland
4:28:37 PM Livia: the judy one will smell like vodka and have cigarette burns on it
4:28:41 PM Nastinchka: and one as TOM CULLEN
4:29:02 PM Livia: YES
4:29:04 PM Livia: OH MY GOD, YES
4:29:15 PM Nastinchka: And one as Neely O'Hara
4:29:18 PM Livia: and one as Patches O'Houlihan
4:29:21 PM Nastinchka: YES
4:30:27 PM Livia: the worst they can do is not take me. and if i do this at a school where i dont really wanna go, it wont hurt me
4:30:47 PM Nastinchka: Seriously. Why not have fun with this?
4:33:07 PM Livia: what if i wrote one from the monster on lost? dear florida: AaaaarghsSSQUEEEEEEEEEmnshmnshmnshGNNNN"
4:33:27 PM Nastinchka: And sign it "Love and kisses, Emmanuel Kant". It's only a matter of time till they introduce another damned philosophizer.
4:33:49 PM Livia: HA
4:39:08 PM Nastinchka: I wonder if I could get one from Peyton.

T$ (16:58:37): son of a bitch. i got sick the other night. dave suggested that i make my body as hostile an environment as possible so that whatever i had simply couldn't survive. i did this by wearing all of my synthetic insulation clothes (think mountaineering stuff.)
T$ (16:59:03): dave got the same thing. he tried basically the same thing, except made his body really toxic by drinking far too much tequila. other than a mild hangover, he now feels great.
T$ (16:59:06): that bastard.

Livia (00:51:31): Million Dollar Baby: Laff Riot! If by Laff you mean uncontrollable tears at the horror of tragedy that is playing out on the screen and by Riot you mean this movie is so emotionally manipulative that I actually considered walking into "Are We There Yet?"

2:01:16 PM T$: i got a friend request on myspace today. it was from the guy who was a friend of mine freshman and sophomore year of college...until he and his roommate both slept with my then-girlfriend, whom he ended up impregnating and marrying. and then divorcing, because she decided she was wiccan and lesbian. (oh, hey, that brings the number of women i've dated who have ended up being lesbian to four.) think i should add him?

MB: i love us - and so does Bernadette
Livia: bernadette is walking that fine line between fandom and obsession. she needs to chill out a bit.
MB: yes - i agree - just wait until I forward you this email she sent me just a minute ago
MB: she is being so difficult right now
Livia: i know, but we're all she has. and if she cant cling to us, she'll go under...
Livia: we have to keep her around.
MB: She really needs us right now, especially after Stephen Sondheim sent her that nasty note - Did she call you and bitch about that?
Livia: of course she did, for like five fucking hours, and then she was all "joan don't ever leave me, i dont know what to do without you"
MB: She said the same thing to me, except it was like "MB, you are so wise. What will I ever do if you decide you're too big now to be my friend?" And I said "Bernadette, the only way that will ever happen is if Stephen actually writes ME a musical. Now he has talked about it, but he probably won't live long enough to do it, and then look at that last crap he wrote...I mean, come on, You and Mandy got the good stuff
MB: So that made her feel a little better
MB: I think she's going through her mid life crisis
Livia: that was nice. i mean i feel like we constantly have to be holding her hand. she is so afraid that now that we're so much bigger than her, we will jsut leave her behind. and it could happen if she doesn't shape up. i mean hello, we cant be with her all the time, we have obligations to our public.
Livia: i know stephen is fed up with her because she's been really clingy and he cant handle that. why do you think he's always over at our place and won't answer his phone?
MB: yes, but in her mind, she still thinks she's as big as we are now
Livia: its so sad when people stay too long at the party.
MB: Well, and he wanted to have sex with me last week and I was like - "No, I don't think that would be good for our friendship" and there is a big age difference
MB: Trust me, Stephen - It's not a good idea. "
Livia: how did he take that
MB: I think he was upset about that, but deep down inside, if he can reach that low, it has the making of a song from "Follies"
Livia: i know he's been burying those feelings for a long time because he's afraid you'll reject him because of your celebrity.
MB: He should use those feelings and write
Livia: duh, we're just trying to inspire him. he did say we were his muses.
MB: i don't think he understands how powerful we actually have become
Livia: he is underestimating us a bit, just to soothe his own ego.
MB: right
Livia: i can understand that, i mean he did help make us what we are, but at some point the credit shifts over to us.
MB: he thinks that he can still pull a score out of his ass like he did with Into the Woods or Sweeney.

12:06:13 PM Livia: i came into his room yesterday and there were no less than 6 IMs from Catholic girls
12:06:34 PM Nastinchka: WOW
12:07:16 PM Livia: well, he's pretty, and built, and on the football team, so it was only a matter of time. also, he's an episcopal kid at a catholic school, which is like the equivalent of johnny depp's character in Cry Baby
12:11:09 PM Livia: i think its hilarious that he's gonna be, you know, The Bad Boy of Catholic....because he's Episcopal. You'd think he was smokin' in the boys room or riding a Harley to school, not crossing his arms come communion time.
12:12:34 PM Nastinchka: It's only a matter of time before he's surrounded by rat-faced bullies in chapel all "take the wafer....take it ALL, bitch!!", and all of a sudden....you know how adolescent stress tends to bring forth dormant mutant powers.
12:13:08 PM Livia: rat-faced bullies? what is this, 1956?
12:13:12 PM Livia: don't get me wrong, i liked it

1:49:33 AM Nastinchka: HOLY FLOCK OF FERAL CATS!!
1:52:49 AM Spawn: YES. YES YES YES. PLEISTOCENE ME, BABY.
1:52:57 AM Nastinchka: See?
1:53:22 AM Nastinchka: I would hate Kansas so much less if it were FULL OF CAMELS.
1:53:47 AM Nastinchka: It's not like the middle of the country is doing anything. Bring the tigers!!
1:53:57 AM Spawn: I demand feral horses.
1:54:05 AM Spawn: Their slightly mutated look has always intrigued me.
1:58:28 AM Nastinchka: The best part (besides the part where we'll be able to go to Nebraska and PET A WILD ELEPHANT) is how Cornell's all "The Plains states economies are depressed, so why don't we release a bunch of Lions into the Midwest and pay people to make nests for them?"
1:58:37 AM Nastinchka: (Lions live in nests, right? I can never remember.)
1:58:42 AM Nastinchka: No, wait.
1:58:46 AM Nastinchka: That's velociraptors.
1:58:56 AM Nastinchka: ....THAT'S WHAT WE NEED MORE OF, RIGHT THERE.
1:59:04 AM Spawn: It's a mark of what kind of day this has been that I honestly wondered for a second whether you meant to make that mistake.

5:06:26 PM Nastinchka: ESPN says LeBron James has Pleurisy. Just like that bitch in Glass Menagerie.
5:06:50 PM Livia: From now on, we call him LeBlueRoses James
5:07:49 PM Livia: and i'll feverishly try to hook him up with nice young men while sweating and drinking mint juleps and fanning myself and talking about all my gentlemen callers, and you can lurk sullenly in the kitchen dreaming about a new life for yourself.

Posted by Nastinchka at August 26, 2007 10:22 PM