Snarkastic

Let The Hate Flow Through You: NCAA Week 2

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her rankings, which, if history is any indication, will outstrip my own as far as accuracy but whose glory will dim next to my victory in the 2007-2008 Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression Fantasy Football League.

I am proud to present the First Annual Jabba the Hutt NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 1 Performance, strength of schedule, and reported cases of people being encased in carbonite. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Jabba the Hutt, Boba Fett, Darth Vader, The Bantha, Bib Fortuna, The Emperor, and Coach Little Muppet With The Bitchy Laugh That Sat In Jabba?s Fat Folds.

Meesa faaja SOLO? deeshy wheela ardee jok deep FOOTBAW? HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH.

1. LSU
JABBA SAYS: It only took LSU one game to release their perennially unnecessary aggression against a helpless, inferior opponent, as I?m sure you have all seen by now on the internets. This leads me to believe that one or more of their players may be infected with the rage virus, playing so drunk that he thinks he is a Mack truck, or an emissary from hell sent here to teach us about pain before the trumpets sound. This does not bode well for Virginia Tech. Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when the Hokies arrive.

2. WEST VIRGINIA
JABBA SAYS: With Steve Slaton and Pat White scoring four times? EACH? West Virginia remains a safe pick for #2. Their roster is my kind of scum: fearless and inventive.

3. USC
JABBA SAYS: I have never been so happy for Gozer to be so wrong about a team's potential for success. Screw Michigan. That is what they get for producing Charles Woodson. Therefore, I have little choice but to put USC in this slot, loath though I am to do it (their joyless, slow-moving triumph over the Idaho Fighting Potato Cupcakes certainly does not merit it, but it would be ludicrous to put a Texas team that struggled against Arkansas State [!] above them). The Trojans... will die. As will your friends. Good, I can feel your anger. I am unarmed. Take your weapon. Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete.

4. OHIO STATE
JABBA SAYS: They move up not so much because they earned this spot, but because Texas showed that they did not deserve it. OSU just looks stronger than them at this point. Also, you know they are laughing their asses off about Michigan right now, and maybe some of that bloodlust will carry over to next week, when Akron's feeble skills will be no match for the power of the Dark Side.

5. OKLAHOMA
JABBA SAYS: The Sooners obliterated North Texas, and seemed to be enjoying themselves as much as Pop Warner kids (to be fair, their opponent was probably actually starting some PWs, but that?s their problem). Their play was damn near perfect.

6. WISCONSIN
JABBA SAYS: I am really liking Wisconsin right now. Preview for next week:
BIELEMA: Donovan, tell your offensive line that if they don't do as you wish, you'll become angry and use your magic.
DONOVAN: But master Bielema, what magic? I couldn?t possibly.
BIELEMA: Trust me.

7. TEXAS
JABBA SAYS: In the aftermath of what happened in Ann Arbor, some people may have overlooked the fact that the Longhorns needed an onside recovery in order to beat the Arkansas State Indians in the last sixty seconds IN AUSTIN. Also, they had already lost the first onside kick to the Indians, but then lucked out when a penalty forced them to kick again. Um? hook 'em? Horns? Right now, though, Colt McCoy is hunched over the game film, muttering "Bring me TCU and Central Florida. They will all suffer for this outrage", so I think the Horns will be all right.

8. CAL
JABBA SAYS: It cannot be denied that they played well last night. Since their performance was largely motivated by their desire to avenge themselves for the ass-beating they took in Neyland, though, I have my doubts about whether they can hold to that level for the rest of the season. As an SEC fan, this is something I have a lot of experience with: you get all fired up to get revenge on someone who owned you, and then a few games later, you lose to a cellar team. I think this will happen to Cal. Also, I think Nate Longshore is severely unattractive, dirty, and probably a peeping Tom. He may have been a good quarterback last night [and there we disagree; he was merely serviceable, especially next to Jackson/Forsett. --ed.], but now he's Bantha fodder.

9. FLORIDA
JABBA SAYS: Please don't misunderstand me: I think Florida loses at least two this season, and they won't be here for long. However, they are better than Louisville, so here they are. For now. Your mind powers will not work on me, boy.

10. AUBURN
JABBA SAYS: For at least 90 minutes last night, I was certain that the Tigers were actually going to lose to Kansas State, so I should probably drop them a few spots. If I did that, though, I would have to put Georgia in this spot, which I will not do (not because of divisional hatred, but because I saw them play last year, and I saw their fans give up on them and refuse to cheer for them, EVEN IN THE FOURTH QUARTER, WHEN THEY WERE ONLY DOWN BY 7 TO FLORIDA? RIDICULOUS). There will be no bargain, young Bulldog. I shall enjoy watching you die.

One Last Observation: What do you get when you have a Clausen at quarterback, two former Knoxville high school standouts making their NCAA debut, and an unrepentant fatty at coach?? Nothing good, which any Tennessee fan could have told Charlie Weis, saving him a lot of trouble yesterday against Georgia Tech.

Posted by Nastinchka at September 4, 2007 07:43 AM