Snarkastic

Rise of the Machines: NCAA Week 3

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her rankings, which, if history is any indication, will outstrip my own as far as accuracy but whose glory will dim next to my victory in the 2007-2008 Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression Fantasy Football League.

I am proud to present the First Annual Terminator Series NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 2 Performance, strength of schedule, and [SARAH CONNOR?]. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include The Terminator, The T-1000, The T-X, The Inevitable T-JUV Played By Dakota Fanning, Kyle Reese, And Coach Fucking Doctor Who Should Have Fucking Listened When I Told Him About The Cyborgs.

[ 'POSSIBLE RESPONSE: YES/NO; OR WHAT?; GO AWAY; PLEASE COME BACK LATER; GO FOR TWO; THROW INTERCEPTION; FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE; FUCK YOU']

1. LSU
T-1000 SAYS: You still don't get it, do you? They'll find you. That's what they do. That's all they do! You can't stop LSU. They'll wade through you, reach down your throat, and pull your fucking heart out. South Carolina at Baton Rouge just got a lot more interesting, though.

2. OKLAHOMA
T-1000 SAYS: The 600 series Sooners had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human - sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till they moved on Miami before I could zero them. These guys are pimps. They should coast until the 6th, when they meet Texas in a showdown that will end someone's (and by someone's, I mean Texas') season.

3. WEST VIRGINIA
T-1000 SAYS: If I could feel human emotion, I would be absolutely appalled by the shoddy Mountaineer play of the first three quarters. I would also be looking forward with an almost predatory excitement to next weekend's trip to Byrd Stadium, because the Terps are awesome this season and might actually upset them. I'm saying that it's one possible future. From your point of view - I don't know tech stuff.

4. USC
T-1000 SAYS: Listen. And understand. That season-terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until USC is dead. It might even be the Cornfuckers next week, although they looked awful today, so maybe not. I know you're all very upset that they dropped a spot, but that's what happens with a week 2 bye to allow you to recuperate from the vigors of Idaho. Also, I've never liked them, and it?s my poll, so hasta la vista, bitches.

5. WISCONSIN
T-1000 SAYS: We were that close to going out forever. But there was one man who taught us to fight, to storm the wire of the camps, to smash those UNLV motherfuckers into junk. He turned it around. He brought us back from the brink. His name is Donovan. Tyler Donovan [mournful yet inspirational synthesizer wailing]. I was really disappointed with their play. What the hell is going on this season? Parity kicks ass.

6. TEXAS
T-1000 SAYS: Someone gave me a picture of you once, Colt. I didn't know why at the time. It was very old - torn, faded. You were young like you are now. You seemed just a little sad. I used to always wonder what you were thinking at that moment. I memorized every line, every curve. I came across time for you Colt. I have to know--who was it that upset your Longhorns? Because it's gwine be someone. You can't play like you did in the first half for the rest of the year and expect anything other than annihilation.

7. FLORIDA
T-1000 SAYS:
Meyer: How much did you drink? (Examining empty vat of Kool-Aid)
Tebow: Enough.
Meyer: Well, this is the stuff we use to chemically neuter dogs. Take a look.

8. CAL
T-1000 SAYS: They're not gonna make it, are they? Cal, I mean. It is in their nature to destroy themselves. Major drag, huh?--I mean, good luck with the rest of your season, guys. I'm sure you?ll beat LA Tech, Oregon, UCLA, Washington, and USC.

9. OHIO STATE
T-1000 SAYS: I know what it's like to be in a hostage situation, I've been there myself. The fear, the adrenaline you find yourself, imagining things, impossible things, crazy things, insane things... take years to get over it. You better remember how it felt to end the half leading Akron--AKRON--3 to 2. Bravo, really.

10. RUTGERS
T-1000 SAYS: Louisville's defense gave up FORTY-TWO POINTS to Middle Tennessee State. That was all I needed to hear. Welcome, Rutgers!

General Observations On:

THE BCS:
There was a nuclear war. A few years from now, all this, this whole place, everything, it's gone. Just gone. There were survivors. Here, there. Nobody even knew who started it. It was the machine, Sarah. Bowl Championship Series computers. New... powerful... hooked into everything, trusted to run it all. They say it got smart, a new order of intelligence. Then it saw all people as a threat, not just the ones on the gridiron. Decided our fate in a microsecond: extermination.

BOISE STATE-WASHINGTON:
Bandwagon: I'm a friend of Boise State. I was told they were here. Could I see them please?
Locker Room Guard: No, you can't see them, they're making a statement.
Bandwagon: (Cracking knuckles menacingly) Where are they?
Locker Room Guard: It may take a while. Want to wait? There's a bench over there
Bandwagon: (Quiet malice) I'll be back.

AUBURN:
Come on. Do I look like the mother of the future? I mean, am I tough, organized? I CAN'T EVEN BEAT UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH FLORIDA.

MICHIGAN-OREGON:
3 billion human lives ended on September 8, 2007. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Judgment Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against themselves. The computer which controlled the polls, ESPN, sent two Terminators back through time. Their mission: to destroy the leader of the Wolverine resistance, Mario Manningham. As before, the resistance was able to send a lone warrior, Lee Corso, a protector for Mario. It was just a question of which one of them would reach him first.

NOTRE DAME-PENN STATE:
[SFX: Skulls crunching underfoot]

GEORGIA-SC:
Hey Janelle, what's wrong with UGA? I can hear him barking. Is he all right?

(Metallic drumbeats)

Posted by Nastinchka at September 9, 2007 11:09 AM