Snarkastic

Laff Riot 45: 'Til Death Roo Us Part.

Back on our game, we present a sequel to the plans for our (double, heterosexual, very eventual) wedding.

10:12:33 PM Joan: I can't wait to see this in the Laff Riot next week.
10:12:41 PM Holly: I can't wait to see new Laff Rioting AT ALL.
10:12:48 PM Holly: It demonstrably doesn't work without you.
10:13:05 PM Joan: (love actually theme playing)

9:41:22 PM Holly: How did y'all get me to eat raw oysters in the first place?
9:42:19 PM Joan: i seem to remember forcibly funneling it down your throat while sean and dad held your arms
9:42:30 PM Holly: No, I came willingly
9:42:32 PM Holly: if sullenly
9:42:36 PM Holly: (surlily?)
9:42:38 PM Holly: OH MY GOD
9:42:42 PM Holly: THAT'S OUR WEDDING FLOWER
9:42:46 PM Holly: THE SURLILY
9:42:52 PM Joan: wow.
9:42:53 PM Holly: All we need to do is breed one.
9:43:08 PM Joan: a nasturtium-lily hybrid almost works
9:43:21 PM Holly: nastlily
9:43:25 PM Holly: I LOVE IT
9:43:49 PM Joan: "What are these flowers?" "Oh, those are our nastily bouqets"
9:44:14 PM Holly: Or breed tigerlilies with actual tigers
9:45:28 PM Joan: i really think that jay should carry my train dressed as the crackerjack boy
9:45:38 PM Joan: but i will be damned if he takes attention from me on my day
9:46:05 PM Joan: so i might break his legs, force him to hold onto my train, then drag him down the aisle behind me. i bet not many brides have had human trains.
9:46:49 PM Joan: i don't know why i don't work for the knot. my ideas would improve so many unions.
9:46:58 PM Holly: And if Jay's there, you know that train will arrive on time.
9:47:06 PM Holly: *ducks lightning bolt*
9:47:10 PM Joan: WOW.
9:47:19 PM Holly: *bows*
9:49:28 PM Joan: say, there's an idea!! we name the tables for monsters throughout history. or--wait, maybe it would be better with actual monsters.
9:50:13 PM Joan: imagine the look on your mother's face when she is told she is at the Bloodstinking Mummy table.
9:50:28 PM Joan: NO
9:50:34 PM Joan: THE RANDALL FLAGG TABLE.
9:50:47 PM Holly: Please. We need a Julii table just for the 'rents and Liz.
9:51:34 PM Joan: that would be really cute for an october wedding
9:51:36 PM Joan: monster names
9:51:40 PM Joan: i really rather like that
9:51:46 PM Holly: We can't get married in the fall.
9:51:54 PM Joan: we can work around football
9:52:02 PM Holly: it's gonna be someone's game
9:52:04 PM Holly: somewhere.
9:52:49 PM Joan: not really, because i won't be inviting outside of the sec, and there's always a lame week of play
9:53:09 PM Joan: no matter how hot, hot, hot some team is.
9:53:06 PM Holly: Maryland.
9:53:08 PM Holly: WFV.
9:53:28 PM Joan: i'm sorry but your parents need to choose whether their loyalty lies in tennessee or wfv.
9:53:42 PM Holly: Do we HAVE to have a fall wedding?
9:53:47 PM Joan: I WANT ONE.
9:53:47 PM Holly: (Is this gonna be a dry party?)
9:53:52 PM Holly: Well, it is the season for evil.
9:54:09 PM Joan: Summer is too hot and Spring is just too damn gay.
9:54:22 PM Joan: Who the fuck wants to get married in March?
9:54:37 PM Holly: I was thinking New Year's Eve
9:54:58 PM Holly: The hubris of hijacking an entire holiday and declaring it ours appeals to me
9:54:39 PM Joan: Winter makes people crazy with scheduling.
9:54:47 PM Joan: Autumn is perfect.
9:55:31 PM Joan: My uncle got married on Halloween. It was badass. They had carved pumpkins as centerpieces.
9:55:41 PM Holly: OK
9:55:53 PM Holly: Find the next year Halloween is on a Saturday
9:55:57 PM Holly: and that's our deadline.
9:56:13 PM Joan: And orange can be a legitimate color theme, without making me feel like a whore for decorating with football loyalties
9:56:47 PM Joan: Bad news. It's 2009.
9:57:11 PM Holly: Well, get with it.
9:57:30 PM Joan: Also, I would be afraid that Stewart and Danny would just go fucking insane and throw pumpkin goop at our gowns.
9:57:45 PM Joan: At which point I would light them on fire.
9:57:54 PM Holly: HOW is that not a great reception sendoff?
9:57:58 PM Holly: Fire batons are so over
9:58:08 PM Joan: I was thinking they could release live bats.
9:58:12 PM Holly: OH
9:58:13 PM Holly: that is better
9:58:19 PM Joan: I know.
9:58:29 PM Joan: AND OUR FIRST DANCE COULD BE MONSTER MASH.
9:58:35 PM Holly: OK, 2009.
9:58:37 PM Holly: Deadline.
9:58:48 PM Holly: Which means we need to be engaged in what, thirteen months to do this right?
9:58:49 PM Joan: I'll start inveigling men immediately.
9:59:02 PM Holly: What, you mean more?
9:59:15 PM Joan: None of the ones right now are good enough for pumpkin goop and live bats.
9:59:27 PM Holly: Yeah.
10:00:07 PM Joan: Imagine huge cauldrons full of candy
10:00:17 PM Holly: LIKE OUR HALLWOEEN PARTY
10:00:26 PM Joan: Except to the nth degree.
10:00:48 PM Joan: and the wedding party has to wear monster masks as they walk down the aisle
10:01:28 PM Joan: really, it would be worth it just to see mel, decked out in a floor length gown, with a wolfman mask strapped over her delicately coiffed curls.
10:01:46 PM Holly: I somehow see her in a mermaid costume
10:01:49 PM Holly: with the wolfman mask.
10:01:58 PM Holly: CAN WE DRESS CAMDEN AS ELVIS?
10:02:08 PM Joan: NO.
10:02:20 PM Holly: PENNYWISE?
10:03:56 PM Joan: Maybe he could dress as a Balrog. That seems like a fair compromise.
10:04:18 PM Joan: Our cake could be all the levels of the Inferno
10:04:36 PM Joan: With, like, Peeps and Gummi Bears trying to escape
10:04:59 PM Holly: half melted gummi bears
10:04:52 PM Joan: or a ghost. i think we would really like a ghost cake.
10:05:10 PM Joan: THE BUFFET TABLE HAS TO BE LABELED WITH THINGS LIKE "THIS IS THE DEAD MAN'S BRAIN"
10:05:37 PM Joan: "Is this quiche?" "No, I belive the card says 'This is the dead man's bowel'."
10:05:51 PM Holly: And we can have masks at the tables
10:05:53 PM Holly: JOAN
10:05:57 PM Holly: MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH WEDDING
10:06:04 PM Holly: Seven layer seven colored cake
10:06:06 PM Joan: I now want this wedding so much more than I ever wanted the Mario or SVH weddings.
10:06:07 PM Joan: OH
10:06:07 PM Joan: MY
10:06:08 PM Joan: GOD.
10:06:12 PM Holly: WINNER
10:06:14 PM Joan: Seven different rooms.
10:06:15 PM Holly: Masked ball
10:06:18 PM Joan: NO
10:06:19 PM Joan: NO
10:06:19 PM Joan: THE CAKE
10:06:23 PM Joan: HAS TO BE A GRANDFATHER CLOCK
10:06:26 PM Holly: YES
10:06:41 PM Joan: AND INSTEAD OF US GOING OUT TO OUR CAR, THE RED DEATH WILL COME AND FORCIBLY CARRY US OUT.
10:07:00 PM Holly: I was going to suggest we dress Father Camden as Red Death
10:07:05 PM Holly: but I think I might like that better
10:07:13 PM Joan: There's a conversation I would love to hear.
10:07:30 PM Joan: "Father, are you familiar with the works of Edgar Allan Poe?"
10:07:47 PM Holly: This is why we need Camden
10:07:53 PM Holly: He might be more willing to hedge with God.
10:08:01 PM Joan: There is no church in this country that would let someone officiate as the Red Death.
10:08:10 PM Holly: Unitarian, baby!
10:08:14 PM Joan: NO.
10:08:29 PM Joan: I accept a purgatory cake, but I draw the line at Unitarianism.
10:08:50 PM Joan: Next thing you know you'll be telling me to ask the four winds of the east for blessings.
10:08:52 PM Holly: Yeah, if
10:08:53 PM Holly: LOL
10:08:55 PM Holly: I WAS GOING THERE
10:09:02 PM Joan: OF COURSE YOU WERE.
10:09:05 PM Joan: OF COURSE YOU WERE.
10:09:12 PM Holly: But I'll settle for saying that if we're going to be married by a Unitarian we might as well go ahead and marry each other.
10:09:25 PM Joan: Oh, look. There's the line.
10:09:35 PM Holly: *slinks back to God*
10:09:57 PM Joan: I personally think our Halloween-themed weddiOHMYGOD
10:10:02 PM Joan: CAMDEN HAS TO OFFICIATE AS MICHAEL MYERS
10:10:06 PM Holly: NO.
10:10:14 PM Joan: THE HALLOWEEN THEME PLAYS ON HARPS DURING THE RECESSIONAL
10:10:17 PM Holly: NO
10:10:30 PM Holly: THE TRUCK DRIVER FROM JOYRIDE
10:10:33 PM Joan: AND THEN WE CUT THE CAKE WITH FREDDY KRUEGER'S HANDS
10:11:42 PM Holly: GRINCH NIGHT
10:11:44 PM Joan: NO
10:11:45 PM Joan: NO
10:11:45 PM Joan: NO
10:11:50 PM Holly: WE CLIMB INTO THE PARAPHERNALIA WAGON
10:11:51 PM Joan: SOUR SWEET WIND
10:13:14 PM Joan: OMIGOD
10:13:15 PM Joan: OH
10:13:16 PM Joan: OH
10:13:19 PM Joan: I BET YOU ANYTHING
10:13:34 PM Joan: WE COULD GET ANDREW MCCARTHY TO REPRISE HIS KINGDOM HOSPITAL ROLE AND OFFICIATE OUR WEDDING.
10:13:46 PM Holly: IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S BUSY
10:13:49 PM Holly: HOW DID I NOT THINK OF THAT
10:13:50 PM Joan: I KNOW
10:13:53 PM Joan: UNCLEAR
10:13:55 PM Holly: BUT
10:13:57 PM Holly: but
10:14:00 PM Holly: if he officiates
10:14:05 PM Holly: he can't be marrying me.
10:14:07 PM Holly: Does not compute
10:14:13 PM Holly: dee doo doo dee doo doo
10:14:17 PM Joan: Something has to give here, Holly.
10:14:19 PM Holly: Can we have a Maypole?
10:14:23 PM Holly: (I've moved on)
10:14:29 PM Joan: Only if we burn a large wicker man with Casey inside it.
10:14:41 PM Joan: Why do I feel like he would volunteer for this?
10:14:58 PM Joan: Or Stewart...."AWWWWHH! It's an HONOR! ROOOOO!"
10:15:15 PM Holly: Stewart is the flower girl.
10:15:22 PM Joan: I don't know why more weddings don't burn people.
10:15:51 PM Holly: I can spare some cousins.
10:16:01 PM Joan: Stewart is the page. He comes in dressed as Dracula, bangs a staff on the floor, and announces our arrival.
10:16:42 PM Holly: then, in Stewartvoice not disguised at all, he says "ah-ah" and he retreats via pulley system to the rafters
10:16:50 PM Holly: where he proceeds to count thunderclaps.
10:16:33 PM Joan: OH
10:16:40 PM Joan: DURING THE STANDARD PHOTO SLIDESHOW AT THE RECEPTION
10:16:47 PM Joan: THE MANT SHOULD ACTUALLY COME OUT OFTHE SCREEN
10:16:55 PM Holly: OH MY GOD
10:17:05 PM Joan: I think we just found the zenith.
10:17:06 PM Holly: MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS PRETTY MUCH LITERALLY BEEN SPENT WAITING FOR THAT MOMENT
10:17:17 PM Holly: AND I'M ALL, I TOLD YOU IT WOULD COME OUT EVENTUALLY!!
10:17:21 PM Holly: GLAD YOU STUCK AROUND
10:18:08 PM Joan: i feel weak now
10:18:22 PM Holly: We're out of practice.
10:18:32 PM Holly: Your eyesight will return in time.
10:18:33 PM Joan: So...tired..
10:18:42 PM Joan: Yet so happy.
10:18:43 PM Holly: You are free of the carbonite.
10:18:51 PM Holly: <-- SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU
10:19:01 PM Joan: I JUST SHUDDERED. NOT THE GOOD KIND.
10:19:05 PM Holly: *preen*
10:20:57 PM Joan: SHOULD A BASILISK POP OUT OF THE CAKE?
10:21:11 PM Holly: NO
10:21:15 PM Joan: LIKE ONE OF THOSE FAKE SNAKES IN A CAN, ONLY ALIVE, AND TWENTY FEET LONG?
10:21:19 PM Holly: the basilisk is the bouncer
10:21:23 PM Holly: because god knows we'll need one
10:21:33 PM Holly: one that can eat people.
10:22:05 PM Joan: ...indiscriminately, though?
10:22:09 PM Holly: JOAN
10:22:20 PM Holly: ...never mind.
10:22:32 PM Joan: Oh, you're in too deep for that.
10:22:46 PM Holly: I was going to have King Kong carry me away to the car as Fay Wray
10:22:53 PM Holly: but it would be too real and too reminiscent.
10:23:40 PM Joan: I wonder if they accept wedding reception reservations at the Tower of London.
10:24:14 PM Holly: I wonder if we should lock the grooms in like the princes.
10:24:38 PM Joan: I actually have several relatives who spent time in the tower.
10:24:55 PM Joan: It will be like a homecoming.
10:25:24 PM Holly: wait, were yours Plantagenets, or killed by Plantagenets?
10:33:35 PM Joan: none of the plantagenets were in the tower that i know of, but some of my later relatives were.
10:33:52 PM Joan: think it was the wolcotts but am not positive
10:34:56 PM Joan: we descended from the bad side of the plantagenets, king john, but i think that is far more interesting than richard the lionheart.
10:35:14 PM Holly: And appropriate
10:35:21 PM Joan: Yes.
10:35:26 PM Holly: JOAN
10:35:32 PM Holly: our first dance cannot be the monster mash
10:35:37 PM Joan: WHY
10:35:34 PM Holly: because
10:35:42 PM Joan: this better be good.
10:35:39 PM Holly: it has to be the Thriller dance
10:35:42 PM Holly: in its entirety
10:35:44 PM Joan: .....oh.
10:36:21 PM Joan: i was just struck by an incredibly powerful urge to see john ulen dressed as a werewolf zombie doing the thriller dance.
10:36:01 PM Holly: CAN WE DRESS CAMDEN AS CAPTAIN EO
10:36:06 PM Holly: I WANT TO BE MARRIED BY CAPTAIN EO
10:37:45 PM Joan: I feel like this, more than any royal wedding, would actually be the wedding of the millenium
10:38:11 PM Holly: Of every millenium
10:38:34 PM Joan: It's so hard on us to have to do everything.
10:40:58 PM Joan: What would we dress Joy as?
10:42:18 PM Joan: GOD
10:42:23 PM Joan: HOW COULD WE HAVE FORGOTTEN THIS
10:42:35 PM Joan: AUTUMN WEDDING, HALLOWEEN THEME----WE CAN WALK DOWN THE AISLE ON STALKS OF CORN
10:42:40 PM Holly: WE
10:42:42 PM Holly: ARE
10:42:48 PM Holly: ONE
10:42:42 PM Joan: HE WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS MUST OFFICIATE.
10:42:51 PM Joan: WE MAKE THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE CHANT WE ARE ONE
10:43:30 PM Holly: And Camden says to us as we reach the altar "did you honesty think he who walks behind the rows would allow you to escape...wedded bliss?"
10:44:14 PM Joan: Oh, my Lord.
10:44:21 PM Joan: It really is a dream wedding.
10:44:50 PM Joan: Halfway through, Ryan enters the nave dressed as Malachi and tries to off us
10:45:26 PM Joan: "Welcome, family, friends, honored guests, and outlanders."
10:45:51 PM Joan: stephen king would totally come to this shit.
10:46:06 PM Joan: WE HOLD OUR RECEPTION AT THE HOTEL WHERE THEY FILMED THE SHINING
10:46:36 PM Holly: Then we can't get married at Halloween
10:46:41 PM Holly: Estes Park'll be snowed in
10:46:49 PM Joan: This, I feel, is half the fun.
10:46:54 PM Joan: SNOW MAZE.
10:47:00 PM Joan: WITH SKULLS EMBEDDED IN THE ICE.
10:47:14 PM Holly: And once again, we're back to discussing death tolls at our wedding.
10:47:13 PM Joan: AND THE PALE MAN FROM PAN'S LABYRINTH MEANDERING THROUGH IT.
10:47:17 PM Holly: NO
10:47:18 PM Holly: NO
10:47:18 PM Holly: NO
10:47:19 PM Holly: NO
10:47:19 PM Holly: NO
10:47:20 PM Holly: NO
10:47:20 PM Joan: yes
10:47:22 PM Joan: YES
10:47:22 PM Holly: LINE.
10:47:23 PM Holly: NO.
10:47:24 PM Holly: VETO
10:47:26 PM Holly: VETO
10:47:26 PM Joan: NOW IS THE SEASON FOR EVIL.
10:47:32 PM Holly: JOAN, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT EYEBALLS
10:47:40 PM Holly: WHERE THERE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EYEBALLS
10:47:46 PM Holly: I COULD NOT EVEN WATCH THAT SCENE
10:47:57 PM Holly: I WAS WHIMPERING INTO RYAN'S NECKBEARD THE WHOLE TIME
10:48:05 PM Joan: i guess you're not going to like my idea for what they tie to the back of our bumper, then.
10:48:10 PM Holly: NO.
10:48:16 PM Holly: I will not draw any other lines
10:48:22 PM Holly: even pennywise related ones
10:48:25 PM Holly: but NO PALE MAN.
10:48:32 PM Joan: Really? Let's find out.
10:48:42 PM Joan: What if the waiters are dressed as crab people?
10:48:45 PM Holly: Fine.
10:48:50 PM Holly: Long as they don't sing the song.
10:48:55 PM Holly: It's the song that bothers me.
10:49:00 PM Joan: That seems like you're drawing a line.
10:49:01 PM Holly: But I could even bear that.
10:49:48 PM Holly: Your line is secular humanism, mine is eyeballs in fucking hands.
10:50:05 PM Holly: I think this is entirely reasonable.
10:50:30 PM Joan: (petulant sigh)
10:50:41 PM Joan: but you will let me have the snow maze of skull outside the overlook?
10:51:03 PM Holly: But of course. *chucks chin*
10:51:31 PM Joan: It is our ability to compromise that convinces me that we are totally ready for marriage (to different men).
10:51:55 PM Holly: So far, though
10:52:03 PM Holly: we've only been able to compromise to each other
10:52:17 PM Holly: Getting married means expanding that capacity by 100%.
10:52:26 PM Holly: Good thing we have till 2009.
10:52:49 PM Joan: Yes. That should leave us plenty of time.

Posted by Nastinchka at September 10, 2007 06:44 AM