September 16, 2007
Cover Your Heart: NCAA Week 4
Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her rankings, which, if history is any indication, will outstrip my own as far as accuracy but whose glory will dim next to my victory in the 2007-2008 Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression Fantasy Football League.
I am proud to present the First Annual Kali Ma NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 3 Performance, strength of schedule, and primarily trumpet-scored soundtracks accompanying ridiculous booby traps. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Sean Connery, Face-Melting Grail Monsters, Horrible Demons That Emerge From The Ark, Intolerable Lounge Singer, Snakes, And Coach Beautiful Woman Doctor Who Turns Out To Be Nazi, Surprising Absolutely No One.
1. LSU
KALI MA SAYS: Baton Rouge protects us! We are her children! We pledge our devotion to her with an offering of flesh... and blood! The MTSU coach was heard screaming "If you think I'm going to play another SEC team at home, think again, buster! I'm going home to Middle Tennessee, where they never feed you snakes before ripping your heart out and lowering you into hot pits! This is NOT my idea of a swell time!"
2. OKLAHOMA
KALI MA SAYS: Welcome to Oklahoma, where the earth ends and hell begins. This team is fo' real. It is something that man was not meant to disturb. Death has always surrounded it. It is not of this earth.
3. USC
KALI MA SAYS: Listen. Since I've met you Trojans fans, I've nearly been incinerated, drowned, shot at, and chopped into fish bait. We're caught in the middle of something sinister here. I hate your team, but I leapfrogged the Trojans over WFV because their offense was NFL caliber yesterday against a higher ranked team. But don't interpret this to mean that I think they will win out, because they won't. Not with that schedule...and not with that hit-or-miss defense.
4. WEST VIRGINIA
KALI MA SAYS: Choose wisely, for while the true Grail will bring you life, the false Grail will take it from you. (Gesturing towards Brian Brohm) He chose...poorly. Also, how awesome was it that Ray Lewis chose to appear on the Maryland sideline? I'm willing to bet that his presence alone shook the Maryland defense so badly that it enabled Mountaineer victory.
5. WISCONSIN
KALI MA SAYS: Cover your heart, Wisconsin!! Cover your heart! (NOMNOMSHIBA, NOMNOMSHIBA) Can't play like that and expect to win a championship.
6. FLORIDA
KALI MA SAYS: Well, Marcus, we're on the verge of the greatest discovery in the history of mankind. And as usual, the Gators are meddling with powers they can't possibly comprehend. Yeah, they blew Tennessee out yesterday, but I really believe that can be ascribed more to Tennessee's total failures as a team than to Florida's beastly talents. This is coming from a die-hard Vol who cried when Peyton Manning didn't win the Heisman, almost got beaten to death for profanity-ridden oaths of hatred and vengeance at the Orange Bowl during a lopsided loss to the Cornfuckers at age 14, and (until recently) ate only orange foods on game days to encourage victory for her team. But boy did we SUCK yesterday. A trained monkey could have--and did--beat us mercilessly. I still think Florida drops one this season, but I no longer think it will be Georgia--I have firsthand experience with their fair-weather fans, who nearly always fail to support them after even one loss. I don't know where they play the Gamecocks, but Spurrier might be the only other coach in the East who can take them out. I hate to say this, but I think the Tide might actually be their downfall this year. I am by no means drinking the Nick Saban Kool-Aid: that guy is a douche, and people are completely overlooking the fact that Mike Shula is the one who dug this program out of the NCAA sanctioned hole with recruiting and developing players. Damn, they're playing well, though.
7. TEXAS
KALI MA SAYS: Mack Brown explained in his postgame speech that "we are on the verge of completing a quest that began almost two thousand years ago. We're just one step away." Um, that's usually when the ground falls out from underneath your feet, Texas. The most consistent trait of your season so far is your almost comical inability to put away supposedly inferior opponents with no trouble. It is no longer a matter of if you will be upset, but when....I came across time for you, Colt. (Sorry. I just still really love that line.)
8. CAL
KALI MA SAYS: If you're a BCS contender, I am Mickey Mouse. You're gonna get killed chasing after your damn fortune and glory.
9. RUTGERS
KALI MA SAYS:
RUTGERS: [dressed as the ticket-taker] Tickets please.
NORFOLK STATE: [in German] What?
[Rutgers punches them, picks them up and throws them out a window into a pile of luggage; the other teams on their schedule watch, bewildered]
RUTGERS: [pointing out the window at Norfolk State] No ticket.
10. OHIO STATE
KALI MA SAYS: Savage! You think your win will allow you to move up? You are not in a position to ask for anything! We will take what we wish, and then decide whether or not to blow your ship from the water.
General Observations On:
TIM TEBOW....
JOINER: (Pacing sideline) You know what your problem is, Princess? You're too used to getting your own way.
TEBOW: (Stamping foot) And you're too proud to admit that you're crazy about me!
JOINER: If you want me, Tim, you know where to find me. (Heading onto field)
TEBOW: Five minutes. You'll be back over here in five minutes.
JOINER: I'll be asleep in five minutes.
TEBOW: Five. You know it, and I know it.
LOUISVILLE-KENTUCKY....
Told you so. Their defense was too porous.
BROHM: Harry. Don't, Harry. Harry! Lateral it to someone else, honey, you can't make it!
DOUGLAS: (Running vainly towards end zone): I can reach it... I can reach it...
ARKANSAS-ALABAMA....
Told you so again. Houston Nutt is like a poison gas. How odd that it should end this way for them after so many stimulating encounters. I almost regret it. Where shall Saban find a new adversary so close to his own level? Try the local sewer.
MARYLAND....
You don't believe me, Dr. Jones? You will, Dr. Jones. You will become a true believer. Maryland played a very strong game against a superior opponent, and one which was closer than the score reflected. Fear the Turtle, Louisville, Rutgers, Florida State, Boston College, and Virginia Tech.
MISS STATE-AUBURN....
Ha ha ha, I love it when Auburn loses...screw you, Auburn. War Eag....fuck.
CLEMSON....
BOBBY BOWDEN: (Angrily) The quest for the ACC Championship is not archeology, it's a race against evil! If it is captured by the Hokies, the armies of darkness will march all over the face of the earth. Do you understand me?
TOMMY BOWDEN: (Wearily) This is an obsession, Dad. I've never understood it. Never. Neither did Mom.
UCLA-UTAH....
COACH DORRELL: Ben, you're going to have to find a wide receiver. Get ready!
[Olson snaps the ball]
COACH DORRELL: [spotting an open man] 11 o'clock! BEN, 11 O'CLOCK!
BEN OLSON: [looking wildly at his watch] What happens at 11 o'clock?!
JOB SECURITY....
Is anyone looking for a live actor to play the Great Pumpkin at a Halloween party? Perfect candidate available!
FAN BASE: [Angrily] You stood up against everything the SEC stands for to be counted with the enemy! Who gives a DAMN what you think!
FULMER: [Pleadingly] YOU do!
Posted by Nastinchka at September 16, 2007 12:13 PM
FUcking Tebow. He threw the goddamn ball 15 yards WHILE HE WAS GETTING TACKLED. All those prayers must really work. It's OK Vols fans. That ass-reaming was the work of a higher power.
Posted by: T Bag at September 16, 2007 02:00 PMi agree with you on everything. i ate candy corn all day for luck and the pumpkin didn't just lose, he let urban meyer (the two-time douche-bag ass-face tool bag who left my beloved utah) have him prison shower style.
first i demand johnny chavis's head on a sliver platter. then i wait and see. if things don't get worse i demand the great pumpkin be carved stuck on the front porch that NEYLAND built and lit up like a roman candle.
GO UTES!!!! BIG U!!!!
by don't get worse...i meant get worse. i'm giving fulmer one last chance
my typing belays my ire.
Posted by: danny at September 16, 2007 02:32 PMHolly,
At least you had the guts to bet something worthwhile. All Orson was going to have to do was sing, and there would have been no way to ensure he wouldn't make a terrible parody of that song that's so dear to your heart.
All of this, you realize, has befallen you because you left The South for a soulless town where quality grits must be mail-ordered. BTW: see www.ansonmills.com or www.noramill.com for that.
From one Southern Expatriate on the West Coast to another, "God Bless Coach Fulmer."
G
Give Fulmer a pass but not Chavis? Fuck that.
Hell, bring on Mike Leach! There's a river for him to dock his ship and everything.
Posted by: Holly at September 16, 2007 02:59 PMLeach rules.
He has a pirate fetish, you know.
i only gave fulmer a one game pass. i want chavis's head tonight. fulmer gets a week.
i'll jump on the leach bandwagon with you. i trust your expertise on the Vawls!
Any and all passes were burned at Cal.
And I was (mostly) kidding about Mike Leach, Danny, but you'll love him even more when you learn of his obsession with pirates (no, seriously, Google the bastard).
Posted by: Holly at September 16, 2007 04:05 PMoh i did. and i do love the pirate obsession.
mostly kidding, who do you want to replace fulmer? cause if we have a losing season, his ass will be fired.
Posted by: DANNY at September 16, 2007 04:09 PMI need to replace Fulmer. I can literally ensure an undefeated run in the SEC, if only because I will release enraged bears into the opposing team's locker room immediately before kickoff, and let's not pretend that the entire Volunteer fan base would not endorse this. I support Holly: no more passes. This is ridiculous. Kali Ma...
Posted by: j at September 16, 2007 04:36 PMYou do realise that UF doesn't, you know, play 'Bama this year? Or next year? Or the year after next? (Barring a cage-match in the SEC title game, of course.) If Saban's good enough to hang a loss on my boys even so, then damn - he's worth four million a year. (They do, however, play LSU.)
Posted by: peachy at September 16, 2007 05:42 PMI just assumed they played each other. It's really weird that they don't. I guess we don't play Auburn anymore, though, so...yeah, there is no freaking way that Alabama makes it to the SEC Championship over LSU. Thanks for the heads up. Also, I like people who use realise instead of realize, and I like peaches, which slightly mitigates my contempt for you as a Florida fan. Good times.
Posted by: j at September 16, 2007 07:19 PMAlso, I'm pretty sure the Kool-Aid drinkers in Tuscaloosa fervently believe that Nick Saban is powerful enough to get a W against you without ever playing you. They are getting really scary.
Posted by: j at September 16, 2007 07:20 PMYeah, the rotating schedule is kinda weird. Our every year matchup is LSU, which more than makes up for giving Saban a miss... although I'm just as glad to leave John Parker Wilson to all y'all. On the other hand, this looks like a good year to have Auburn (chuckle) and Ole Miss (guffaw.)
And by the way, I love the Indiana Jones movies, which slightly mitigates my contempt for you as a UT fan. A bit more than slightly, actually - those are some hot Nazi chicks. I mean, damn.
Posted by: peachy at September 16, 2007 08:53 PMThe Bowden exchange is gold.
Still waiting on that fuck lion.
I wonder if Terry and Tommy Bowden just ever have it out with the old man; how he drove them to this madness, and now Tommy's going to take it out on his teams until he retires.
There's a reality show there just waiting to be pimped.
I'm concerned by Carroll's apparent unwillingness to run up the score on Nebraska and pulling the starters even when Nebraska got two TDs by not doing so. He won't forget it and will do it next year, but he needs to go for the throat more often.
Posted by: Signal to Noise at September 16, 2007 09:58 PM