Snarkastic

Laff Riot 46: In Which My Mom Knows iChat.

10:23:40 AM Momma: remind me to tell you about the day recently when I approached a classroom and was bowled over by the crying teacher bursting out of the room; upon entering the room saw the principal and our special ed behavior dude (trying to put all the lids back on the wildly simmering pots) , who by way of explanation turned to me and said, "this is what happens when you try to put lipstick on a Jedi master."

7:43:44 PM Nastinchka: New Laff Riot Monday.
7:43:52 PM 'Box: by the way, the freewheelin' use of the word "motherfucker" is so, oddly refreshing
7:44:02 PM 'Box: I mean, at first glance it seems nothing new, but it feels new
7:44:10 PM Nastinchka: Yeah, it was Internets Radio did that to me.
7:44:14 PM 'Box: you make "motherfucker" feel new and cozy to me
7:44:22 PM 'Box: this week, on Laff Riot

3:20:46 PM GoldfishCowboy: take note: eday just poured a gallon of water on me for no clear reason other than his uk ul nerves. retribution to follow.
3:21:19 PM Nastinchka: Does he not understand what we're dealing with here? Fuck his 56-64 shootout.
3:21:33 PM Nastinchka: ( I didn't mean that. I love eDay. Though not Kentucky.)
3:21:34 PM GoldfishCowboy: there's no explaining this
3:21:43 PM Nastinchka: (I may have meant it a little bit.)

11:12:09 AM 'Box: Oh. Gee. Guess what song they're using in the Iron Man trailer
11:12:19 AM Nastinchka: ....no.
11:12:26 AM 'Box: yep
11:12:27 AM Nastinchka: They are not.
11:12:33 AM Nastinchka: FATHER OF LIES.
11:12:35 AM 'Box: Robert Downey seems pretty cool, but bad form, studio. bad form
11:13:49 AM 'Box: way to vocoder the hell out of Robert Downey Jr's voice, skanks
11:13:56 AM 'Box: (at the end of the trailer)
11:14:00 AM Nastinchka: That should be in fine print at the top of the one-sheet.
11:14:34 AM 'Box: attribute the blurb to -Jesse Williams at The Critical Foundations of Suck My.....
11:14:41 AM 'Box: errr. foundation
11:14:53 AM 'Box: course, I could have set up multiple foundations for that, in theory
11:14:57 AM Nastinchka: Suck your foundation?
11:15:27 AM 'Box: Well...No.

5:08:20 PM Livia: i have a statistic that may interest you.
5:08:33 PM Nastinchka: Is this about FLorida?
5:08:55 PM Livia: I share a birthday with Ladainian Tomlinson....
5:08:57 PM Livia: AND BRANDON STOKLEY
5:09:05 PM Nastinchka: MARY MOTHER OF GOD.
5:09:20 PM Nastinchka: THIS MEANS THAT I SORT OF SHARE A BIRTHDAY WITH BRANDON STOKLEY
5:09:35 PM Livia: I can't wait to hear this rationalization.
5:09:43 PM Nastinchka: (WE ARE ONE.)
5:09:53 PM Livia: Ah, yes.

11:54:42 AM 'Box: baff time
11:54:54 AM Nastinchka: babblebaff?
11:54:59 AM Nastinchka: bubbebaff?
11:55:04 AM Nastinchka: buubblebaff
11:55:06 AM 'Box: I'm sure I'll be babbling in some way
11:55:07 AM Nastinchka: BUBBLEBAFF.
11:55:20 AM 'Box: it's the beft baff for your bippy
11:55:32 AM 'Box: the bippy being largely undefined

8:18:54 PM Nastinchka: Comment on your Top 10 post: "Women that are funny and like football - I never even imagined people such as this existed. "
8:23:56 PM Livia: I'm a catch. (Technically, I'm an interception.)
8:25:06 PM Nastinchka: So what'm I, a batter getting drilled at the plate?

12:24:56 PM Jeebsy: You think Chalie Weis is calling Bill with ideas for plays and Bill is all "yeah, yeah, I gotcha Charlie, listen, bub, I gotta go..."
12:25:29 PM Nastinchka: No, I see Bel just hitting the speakerphone button and sitting there, in silcence, blowing rings from his cigar
12:25:46 PM Nastinchka: silhouetted against a picture window like a Bond villain, or the bad guy in Danger Mouse.
12:26:00 PM Nastinchka: Until Charlie just starts blubbering uncontrollably and Bill hits the button again
12:26:02 PM Nastinchka: Scene.
12:26:04 PM Nastinchka: But that's just me.
12:26:23 PM Jeebsy: harumph
12:26:31 PM Nastinchka: You asked!
12:27:01 PM Jeebsy: Well... I just threw it out there. I didn't have time to make it all cinematic and smart!
12:27:13 PM Nastinchka: And I did?
12:27:33 PM Jeebsy: No, but your brain is all fast. It's like a 2.0.
12:27:48 PM Jeebsy: Mine is from the 70's.
12:28:10 PM Nastinchka: Awww, it's vintage!
12:28:14 PM Nastinchka: Like Coleco!
12:28:38 PM Jeebsy: bloop-bloop-
12:28:43 PM Jeebsy: bleep-bloop

7:46:26 PM 'Box: who we playin' this week in footbawl?
7:46:38 PM Nastinchka: Southern Miss.
7:46:42 PM 'Box: oh. damn. of course
7:46:49 PM 'Box: I forgot it was Saturday
7:47:17 PM 'Box: wait. did we for the love of god win a fucking game?
7:47:30 PM Nastinchka: 39-19
7:47:36 PM 'Box: great, we keep the team for another week
7:47:52 PM Nastinchka: I....how do you think this works, exactly?

6:55:40 PM Nastinchka: ugh. Play with me.
6:56:20 PM PB: I'm selling furniture on Craig's List. Fun, huh?
6:56:57 PM Nastinchka: K, carry on.
6:57:04 PM PB: Almost done - one sec
6:57:12 PM Nastinchka: I'll go find a ball of yarn or a human heart.

12:40:50 PM Livia: I just ran to the grocery store
12:41:21 PM Livia: Ingles has made a dangerous mistake
12:41:31 PM Livia: They have decided to start stocking Cheerwine.
12:41:36 PM Livia: I hope they have enough.
12:42:42 PM Nastinchka: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12:42:44 PM Nastinchka: SEND
12:42:45 PM Nastinchka: ME
12:42:45 PM Nastinchka: A
12:42:46 PM Nastinchka: CASE
12:42:51 PM Livia: I KNOW
12:42:52 PM Livia: IKNOW
12:42:55 PM Livia: I did a double take
12:43:14 PM Nastinchka: Will you bring a 12 pack to Bama?
12:43:17 PM Nastinchka: 2 12 packs?
12:43:20 PM Livia: Fuck yes.
12:43:22 PM Nastinchka: one for us to drink on the spot
12:43:25 PM Nastinchka: and one for me to take home?
12:43:27 PM Livia: I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING.
12:43:36 PM Nastinchka: I feel so alive.
12:43:58 PM Livia: It was all I could do not to go get a cart and take every case they had
12:44:09 PM Nastinchka: I can't believe it.
12:44:38 PM Livia: At first I thought maybe I was just so deprived of Cheerwine that I was actually hallucinating it
12:45:44 PM Nastinchka: Can you even transport it across state lines?
12:45:54 PM Livia: We'll find out.
12:45:55 PM Nastinchka: It's a controlled substance if it ever was one.
12:48:36 PM Livia: I'll build a mobile cheerwine lab in the back of my car
12:48:38 PM Nastinchka: Swindle says to share if you're caught.
12:51:34 PM Livia: But put Cheerwine together with my rack? I bet I could actually Taser the cop and he would still let me go with a warning.
12:51:52 PM Nastinchka: And a wink.

2:42:21 PM Nastinchka: I should never have taught Momma to IM.
2:43:18 PM Nastinchka: This after she just finished telling me about her uncle that tarred and feathered the town child molester
2:43:28 PM Nastinchka: and the time her own Momma tried to brain a baseball umpire with a coke bottle.
2:43:45 PM Nastinchka: Oh, and how she's going to make her photographs from this summer into a coffee table book called "Birds On Things".
2:43:43 PM PB: ...Do you have any of your mother in you?

12:43:47 PM Momma: Friday afternoon. Tard. Go Peyton. Foobaw.
12:43:59 PM Nastinchka: Tarded?
12:44:15 PM Momma: not 'tarded.
12:44:20 PM Momma: just tard.
12:44:24 PM Nastinchka: and feathered?
12:44:58 PM Momma: uh, no, but my uncle did that one time to this guy who was..... never mind
12:45:08 PM Nastinchka: WHAT?
12:45:10 PM Nastinchka: REALLY?
12:45:33 PM Momma: yes. isn't it wonderful to have all this in your family history?
12:45:43 PM Nastinchka: STORYTIME!
12:45:48 PM Momma: he had to actually leave the country for a while
12:46:08 PM Nastinchka: When was THIS?
12:46:24 PM Nastinchka: Wait, was this A Race Thing?
12:46:58 PM Momma: way back when. 'fore I was borned. no, not race, just simple molestation/incest.
12:47:28 PM Nastinchka: Is incest ever simple, Momma?
12:47:29 PM Nastinchka: Really?
12:47:47 PM Momma: if if doesn't involve you or your family, maybe it can be
12:47:55 PM Nastinchka: Start at the beginning.
12:48:45 PM Momma: don't know beginning. some man was MOlesting his daughter and my uncle and some other upstanding citizens (?) tarred (tared?) and feathered him, no kidding. Crazy hungarians.
12:48:53 PM Nastinchka: Tee hee!
12:48:57 PM Nastinchka: (did he die?)
12:49:01 PM Nastinchka: (does that hurt?)
12:50:19 PM Nastinchka: (being tarred, not dying)
12:50:07 PM Momma: well, i guess the tar hurts cause it's HOT and it sticks to you, and I guess it hurts to pull the feathers off. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. The techniques reported to you were implemented by professional Hungarians. They know their stuff.
12:50:35 PM Nastinchka: Professional? I'm in the wrong line of work.
12:51:10 PM Momma: well, they didn't make any money doing it . I don't guess.
12:51:25 PM Nastinchka: You have to take life satisfaction into account.
12:51:31 PM Nastinchka: THere are intangibles at play here.
12:52:08 PM Momma: then there was the time my mama tried to break a coke bottle over a baseball umpire's head. Your grandpa allegedly restrained her, thereby saving her from the penitentiary. Of course, that happens in the best of families.

1:04:10 PM Jeebsy: did you make that UP?
1:06:11 PM Nastinchka: Um, no.
1:06:14 PM Nastinchka: She's really like this.
1:06:18 PM Nastinchka: I keep trying to tell people.
1:06:18 PM Jeebsy: wow.
1:06:29 PM Jeebsy: I believe you. I do.
1:06:39 PM Nastinchka: I come by my childlike demeanor as a grownass woman genetically.
1:07:03 PM Jeebsy: It's just that what my eyes send to my brain is often rejected the first time when I read her words.
1:07:27 PM Jeebsy: Which is cool, because then I just get to read them again.

11:15:53 AM 'Box: have you seen this trailer for Dragon Wars?
11:16:12 AM 'Box: so far, I'm pretty sure the central character is a helicopter
11:16:24 AM 'Box: 'cause Sean Connery's not in this
11:16:45 AM Nastinchka: I AM THE DRAGON.
11:16:54 AM Nastinchka: Wait, that's not the right movie either.
11:17:06 AM 'Box: the only thing that could make it better is if it were.....no. That's not a sentence God intended an end to

TC: Knock 'em dead at your interview.
PK: thanks, mi amigo
PK: i am currently meditating on "chicago playwrights" and how little i know of them
PK: i do not think this will be a factor, however
PK: in fact, given that i interned with ed for 3 months and script-read for another 2-3 years, i suspect that this interview will not much change my shot one way or the other
PK: UNLESS i vomit profusely
PK: "there is a man of passion," they'll say
PK: and also, "is this a baby EAGLE?"
TC: There is a man of passion... and much chunder.
PK: also, do you think starting the interview by saying "did you know tom stoppard is STILL writing plays?" is disarmingly charmful, or woefully ignorant?
PK: also, how about incorporating the word "charmful?"
TC: According to those in the know, the guy who became the graduate student in charge of NUMB this year "[would've had] to trip over his own dick" to not be accepted.
TC:So, I hope the same of you.
TC:Also, I think "charmnescent" is the word you're looking for.
TC:And I really like starting with that. You could also start with "Remind me again, which Rapp is the dead one?"
TC: (Let's get these out right now, so you aren't tempted tomorrow.)
PK: either that, or "so seriously, how high did you have to get martha to convince her that doing the crucible wasn't a horrible idea?"
TC: "What's a stoned John Mahoney like? I'd imagine there isn't much difference."
PK: "i noticed in looking in your production history, no christopher durang. um, have you ever READ that speech about the guy in the supermarket? we're doing that play next year. i don't give a shit what the ensemble says."
TC: "You know who I think Christopher Durang play in while..."
TC: DAMN YOU GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
TC: I'm glad that I was re-formatting that sentence when you dropped it. It makes this conversation look all the more absurd.
PK: like i stole your thoughts and left just the scraps in your sentence left intact

2:35:38 PM Nastinchka: Did you know Jesse's grandpa played ball for UT
2:35:41 PM Nastinchka: under NEYLAND?
2:35:43 PM Livia: WHAT
2:35:47 PM Nastinchka: YEAH.
2:35:53 PM Nastinchka: HE NEVER THOUGHT TO MENTION THIS.
2:37:15 PM Livia: .................
2:37:25 PM Livia: it's funny how love and hate get all mixed up like this.
2:38:00 PM Nastinchka: he's all "Did you know they called him the General"?
2:38:16 PM Livia: ...and now it's just hate.

11:48:59 AM Jeebsy: Are you going to get a new Stokley jersey, or stick with that one?
11:49:07 AM Nastinchka: I'm staying with this.
11:49:14 AM Nastinchka: I can't be naked in a Denver jersey.
11:49:17 AM Nastinchka: It doesn't feel right.
11:49:19 AM Jeebsy: I figured as much.
11:49:45 AM Jeebsy: Thank god. I don't want to live in a world where something looks good to me in a Denver jersey.
11:49:56 AM Jeebsy: *shivers*
11:50:05 AM Jeebsy: (not the good kind)
11:51:49 AM Nastinchka: I don't hate Denver.
11:52:25 AM Jeebsy: I do. IT's a Raiders thing from back in the day, compiled with a Shanahan ruining fantasy football thing.
11:52:44 AM Jeebsy: Please... don't give in to them.
11:52:59 AM Nastinchka: I loved Plummer, and he is gone.
11:53:03 AM Nastinchka: I like Jay Cutler a lot.
11:53:09 AM Nastinchka: And they have Stokley.
11:53:20 AM Nastinchka: But that's as far as it goes, I swear.
11:53:26 AM Nastinchka: We're just good friends.
11:53:31 AM Jeebsy: I can live with that.

8:55:04 PM Spawn: I am relearning linear algebra in a week
8:55:10 PM Spawn: for a class that does not require it as a prerequisite
8:55:29 PM Spawn: and instead simply supposes that everyone has the capability to learn a semester of mathematics in three class periods
8:55:30 PM Spawn: I miss mrs. albert.
8:55:45 PM Spawn: and what did you do today? I bet it was more fun.
8:55:45 PM Nastinchka: Aylor never taught me to cross-multiply and I thought I discovered it for like a month in ninth grade.

11:08:22 PM Livia: I guess I just always thought they were closer than this.
11:08:36 PM Nastinchka: I mean, even in the earliest days of the brain-meld, we would NEVER have done this
11:09:18 PM Nastinchka: Like, have we ever done an actual mean thing? To each other? EVER?
11:08:59 PM Nastinchka: Except that one time when I threw a hairbrush at your head (I think that was the worst, right?)
11:09:24 PM Nastinchka: I seriously can't think of one.
11:09:43 PM Livia: Honestly, I feel like you can't be held responsible for that, because look at the circumstances: we were about to open Beggar's Opera. It was like both of us were possessed by raging devils.
11:09:55 PM Livia: ...And technically, it hit someone else.
11:10:02 PM Nastinchka: I'm glad you think so, because it was AAAAHAHAHAHA

Posted by Nastinchka at September 24, 2007 01:40 PM