Snarkastic

Game Over, Man: NCAA Week 5

I am proud to present Livia's First Annual Alien NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 4 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of terrible alien beasts that destroy all human life but somehow fail to capture and kill a feisty tabby cat. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include all members of the Alien Race, Ripley, Clones of Ripley, Sigourney Weaver's Escalating Paychecks, Cunningly Disguised Robots With Milk For Blood, And Coach Chest Burster From Spaceballs That Sings Ragtime Gal.

Get away from the end zone, you bitch!

1. LSU
JOHN HURT SAYS: You still don't understand what you're dealing with, do you? Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility. I admire its purity. A survivor... unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality. I can't lie to you about your chances, but... you have my sympathies.
Preview of Tulane head coach Bob Toledo's pregame speech next Saturday: "Gentlemen? It is my job to keep you alive on this expedition, and I need your help to do that. Since I don't have the time to properly train you, I'm laying down three simple rules. One. No one goes anywhere alone, ever. Two. Everyone must maintain constant communication. Three. Unexpected things are gonna happen. When they do, no one tries to be a hero. Understood?"

2. OKLAHOMA
JOHN HURT SAYS: All right, sweethearts, what are you waiting for? Breakfast in bed? Another glorious day in Oklahoma! A day in Oklahoma is like a day on the farm. Every meal's a banquet! Every paycheck a fortune! Every possession a touchdown! Every formation a parade! I LOVE the Sooners! I will be rooting for the Majestic Buffs next weekend, but I understand that this is an exercise in futility, and that the Buffs will be symbolically driven over the cliffs of Oklahoma's superior offensive execution.

3. USC
JOHN HURT SAYS: You're all gonna die. The only question is how you check out. Do you want it on your feet? Or on your fuckin' knees... begging? I ain't much for begging! Nobody ever gave me nothing! So I say *fuck* that schedule! Let's fight it!

4. WEST VIRGINIA
JOHN HURT SAYS: You're a team and there's nothin' to worry about. You come here, and you gonna conquer, and you gonna kick some, is that understood? That's what you gonna do, you are going to go and get some. All right, people, on the ready line! Are ya lean? Are ya mean? WHAT ARE YOU? MOUNTAINEERS! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven! Aaaarrr, absolutely badasses! Get in there!

5. WISCONSIN
JOHN HURT SAYS: This is a top ten program, and you have no offensive weapons of any kind against IOWA? They had some decent third-down conversions, some nice screen passes scattered about the place, nothing terribly formidable. That's all? Apparently, Wisconsin is on the honor system, and if that's true, they are fucked. This is the second disturbing game in a row for the Badgers, and they need to get their heads together if they want to stay here.

6. FLORIDA
JOHN HURT SAYS: The Gators played like they were all in strung out shape. They need to stay frosty and alert. They can't afford to let one of those SEC bastards in here. It is so weird that we are living in a world where Kentucky and South Carolina actually stand a chance against the Gators [and Tennessee...*gulp* --ed.]. By "weird", what I mean is "awesome".

7. TEXAS
JOHN HURT SAYS:
MACK BROWN: (Texas vs. Oklahoma, halftime, two week from now) All right. The fucking thing is loose. It's out there. The rescue team is on its way with guns and shit. Right now there isn't any place that's real safe. But we stay here, in our locker room. This place never had any fucking air conditioning. If they come in it's gotta be through one of these doors. Now we post a guard to let us know if it's coming.(Gesturing towards Colt McCoy) In the meantime, you lay low, be ready and stay right... in case your time comes.
MCCOY (weeping): Don't you start bullshitting, Coach. We're gonna be trapped in here like rats.
BROWN: (Screaming, spittle flying) You got an offensive weapon!? You got a trick play?! Then you take it out and you fucking use it!

8. CAL
JOHN HURT SAYS: You need to consider the possibility that you might not make it out of here.

9. RUTGERS
JOHN HURT SAYS: They mostly come at night...mostly.

10. OHIO STATE
JOHN HURT SAYS:
JIM TRESSEL: Hey, I sure wouldn't mind getting some more of that Northwestern poontang! Remember that time?
LAURINAITIS: Yeah, Coach, but the one you had was MALE.
JIM TRESSEL: It doesn't matter when it's Northwestern, baby!

MISCELLANY:

LOUISVILLE-SYRACUSE...
BRIAN BROHM'S HESIMAN CAMPAIGN: (Moaning softly) Kiiiilll...meeeee....KIIIIILL....MEEEEEEE.....

ARKANSAS-KENTUCKY....
RICH BROOKS: [the Wildcats are still reluctant to take on the Razorbacks before the rescue teams arrives] Right, okay, defense, just sit here on your asses. Fine. No problem. You're the guys that've made a deal with God to live forever, huh? And all the rest of you offensive pussies can sit it out too. [Referring to Andre Woodson] Me and him'll do all the fighting.

MARYLAND....
Why? Why are the innocent punished? Why the sacrifice? Why the pain? There aren't any promises. Nothing certain. Only that some get called, some get saved. They won't ever know the hardship and grief for those of us left behind. We commit these bodies to the void with a glad heart. For within each seed, there is a promise of a flower, and within each death, no matter how small, there is always a new life. A new beginning. A new chance of upsetting Rutgers or Boston College and ruining their seasons. Amen.

ALABAMA-GEORGIA....
For me, the highlight of this game was when Georgia inexplicably missed that last-tick field goal, even though their kicker is apparently some kind of infallible genius, and they cut to the Alabama student section, where a man wearing nothing but red body paint raised his arms to the heavens, smiling lovingly. It could not have been clearer that this man, and his disturbingly fervent ilk, believed that the ghost of Bear Bryant had floated down between the goal posts and gently puffed his divine breath to blow the spinning football slightly off course. Although I rooted for Bama in this game because I wanted Georgia to become a 2-loss SEC team, thus effectively demoralizing their fans and neutralizing them for the remainder of the season, I won't pretend it wasn't hilarious to see the fans glaring at Saban like he had just stabbed them in their collective liver.

TENNESSEE-ARKANSAS STATE....
Remember, Tennessee: short, controlled bursts. That's how you should play. After last week's hideous loss to Florida, I noticed that several Tennessee football players updated their Facebook profiles with songs they were listening to. The top three? "I Need Love", "Teach Me", and "Can't Tell Me Nothin". I feel like this sums up where we are in our season more eloquently than I ever could.

OKLAHOMA STATE'S COACH....
This is Rumor Control. Here are the facts!

AUBURN.....
They seem to have elected to follow the SEC role traditionally occupied by Alabama or Mississippi State: lose convincingly early in the season, have your fans turn against you, and then secretly recover just enough to ruin the season [i.e. "burst from the chest" --ed.] of a superior team in the conference.

I'm just saying. Someone might need to watch out for them in October or November.

Posted by Nastinchka at September 25, 2007 06:44 AM