Snarkastic

A Civilization Gone With the Shank
Written by JMW
Illustrated by HRA

Although I loves me some NFL football, I rarely write about it when given the option to focus on its infinitely superior counterpart, college football. When Holly told me she was finally going to fulfill her commitment to write a Gone With The Wind sestina [tune in tomorrow... --H.] to accompany Jesse's incomparable Star Wars sestina and my own less illustrious [not true. --H.] Lord Of The Rings sestina, I was commanded inspired to write a companion piece. Please enjoy.

NFL PICKS, WEEK FOUR: GONE WITH THE SHANK
(LIMITED COLLECTOR'S EDITION)

BYE WEEK TEAMS

TENNESSEE: With a mobile quarterback, you can do without a reputation.

NEW ORLEANS: As God is my witness, as God is my witness they're not going to lick us. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be 0-3 again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, Drew Brees will never be 0-3 again!

WASHINGTON: For as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of two NFL teams: the Baltinapolis Colts and the Washington Redskins. Also for as long as I can remember, being a fan of the Redskins has been a lot like this:

FAN BASE: All I know is that I love you!
REDSKINS: [Coldly] That is your misfortune.

Now that Jason Campbell is finally beginning to live up to his potential, it is time for me to raise my hopes ridiculously high about the Skins' season. It is my hope that they will use this bye week to make sure Ladell Betts and Clinton Portis are completely clear on their running plays, and to get Jason Campbell some more receivers downfield. They are actually in a good place. I am reserving my Super Bowl tickets now. See you in four months, when they're 2-12! (Uncontrollable weeping)

JACKSONVILLE: Undeserving of a quotation.

PICKS

HOUSTON vs. ATLANTA
JOE HORN: [Excitedly, through tears] At-LAN-ta!
DREW BREES: [Concernedly] New Orleans would be better for ya. You just get in trouble in Atlanta.
JOE HORN: What trouble are you talking about?
DREW BREES: YOU know what trouble I's talkin' 'bout. Mr. Vick be comin' to Atlanta when he gets his leave, and you settin' there waitin' for him, just like a spider.
JOE HORN: You go pack my things like Sean Payton said!

I can't wait for Michael Vick to come back and throw passes to Joe Horn. Until that magical day arrives, though, we are living in a parallel universe where the Texans are somehow a good team and the Falcons are 0-3 (well, that part isn't so weird). Joe Horn thought he was going there to be with Vick, but instead he ended up living with mealy-mouthed Joey Harrington, right in Vick's own house! Horn should have listened to his quarterback. Atlanta burns...again. TEXANS over Falcons.

NEW YORK JETS vs. BUFFALO
JETS FAN BASE: Oh, Rhett...that old thing?
MANGINI: [Pointing emphatically at Chad Pennington] Although he's not much of a horse, he is ours, and I went through a great deal of effort to secure him.

Chad Pennington went to my high school. I love Chad Pennington. I think he has been hampered by injuries that should have been presented by his offensive line, and has done the best he can as a result. It ain't fittin'...it ain't fittin'...it just ain't fittin'. I am really hoping that the Jets can get a win over an 0-3 Buffalo team, but at some point, the Bills are going to have to win. I'm taking the Jets anyway, out of sheer loyalty. JETS over Bills.

BALTIMORE vs. CLEVELAND
Steve McNair can shoot straight, if he doesn't have to shoot too far. He also has several excellent targets and a solid RB to turn to. Baltimore's defense should be able to hold against Derek Anderson, and Ray Lewis might make Brady Quinn go wee-wee in his pants if he sees any action. RAVENS over Browns.

ST. LOUIS vs. DALLAS
Let's see. The Rams, who are 0-3, or the Cowboys, who are 3-0. I know you can't pick based solely on a record, but look at the facts. Terrell Owens seems to temporarily have his shit together, and until his inevitably spectacular Week 7 meltdown, I'm not picking an upset against the boys in blue. T.O. is going to St. Louis for his $300, and he has to go looking like a queen, even though he's not worth $300 and will never bring anything but misery to any man. COWBOYS over Rams.

CHICAGO vs. DETROIT
LOVIE SMITH: Look, Rex. Here's a fool-proof game plan for you!
REX GROSSMAN: [Stubbornly] You can take it all back to the locker room; I won't even look at it!
LOVIE SMITH: Yes'm you is, you's gonna throw every complete pass on this clipboard!
REX GROSSMAN: No...I'm...NOT.

LET'S go LI-ons! [Clap, clap, clap clap clap] Is there anything more heartwarming and satisfying in professional football right now than watching Rex Grossman go up in flames like the Atlanta storehouses? He's about one week away from turning into the last fifteen minutes of Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. I'm pulling for Detroit, but I think Rex will be killed by his own men at halftime, and with another quarterback (even troglodyte Brian Griese) they might win the game. BEARS over Lions.

OAKLAND vs. MIAMI
No, I don't think I will pick you, Oakland, although you need picking, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be picked and often, and by someone who knows how. However, the law of averages dictates that eventually, Miami will probably win a game. I think it might be this one. (In all honesty, I think the Raiders win this, but that doesn't fit with the quotation I chose.) DOLPHINS over Raiders.

GREEN BAY vs. MINNESOTA
BRETT FAVRE: What do we care if we *did* have awful seasons for the past few years, Scarlett? Our Super Bowl campaign is gonna start any day now, so we'd have left that all behind anyhow.
DONALD DRIVER: Oh, isn't it exciting, Scarlett? You know those fools in the AFC may actually *want* to play us in the Super Bowl!
BRETT FAVRE: We'll show 'em! [Placing cheese hat excitedly on head, emitting Rebel Yell]
SCARLETT: Fiddle-dee-dee. Super Bowl, Super Bowl, Super Bowl; this Super Bowl talk's spoiling all the fun at every party this fall! I get so bored I could scream. Besides...there isn't going to be any Super Bowl.
BRETT FAVRE: Not going to be any Super Bowl?
DONALD DRIVER: Why, honey, of course there's gonna be a Super Bowl!
SCARLETT: If either of you boys says "Super Bowl" just once again, I'll go into the house and slam the door.
BRETT FAVRE: But Scarlett...
DONALD DRIVER: Don't you *want* us to have a Super Bowl?
[Scarlett rises and walks to the door, pauses, then relents to their protestations]
SCARLETT: Well...but remember, I warned you.

VIKINGS over Packers.

SEATTLE vs, SAN FRANCISCO
MATT HASSELBECK: [Looking around frantically, twisting hands] Lawsy, we got to have a healthy running back. I don't know nothin' 'bout' makin' no plays!

Don't worry, Matt. I have a feeling that even you can make the magic happen against an inconsistent San Francisco defense. SEAHAWKS over Niners for first place in the NFC West.

TAMPA BAY vs. CAROLINA
I've always thought a good lashing with a buggy whip would benefit the Panthers immensely. If there is a bigger surprise than Joey Galloway's totally unforeseen comeback from mediocrity this season, it is Carolina's failure to live up to expectations at defense. Every year, they are supposed to be the defense to stop, and every year, they aren't. Joey Galloway Tru Luv 4evr. BUCS over Panthers.

DENVER vs. INDIANAPOLIS
HOLLY: [staring wistfully into distant space] Home. I'll go home. And I'll think of some way to get Brandon Stokley back. After all...tomorrow is another day. [Music swells in tragic inspiration]

We don't pick against the Colts. Ever. COLTS over Broncos.

PITTSBURGH vs. ARIZONA
Attention, Matt Leinart: a cat's a better quarterback than you. Have fun in Pennsylvania! I hear the Liberty Bell is really cool, if you can make the trip up to Philly to see that. STEELERS over Cardinals.

KANSAS CITY vs. SAN DIEGO
You still think you're the Belle of the county, don't you, LaDainian? That you're the cutest little trick in shoe leather and that every GM you meet is dying of love for you. I hate to break this to you, but you need to start performing, as it is becoming increasingly obvious that San Diego can only depend on Philip Rivers for so long. Playing the Chiefs should help you in this endeavor. CHARGERS over Chiefs.

PHILADELPHIA vs. NEW YORK GIANTS
TEENAGE GIRL: Mr. Manning! Mr. Manning! Will you sign my chest?
ELI: [Smiling in happy disbelief] Sure, of course I...
TEENAGE GIRL: Thanks, Peyton!
ELI: [Grabbing her face] Observe my hands, my dear. I could tear you to pieces with them. And I'd do it if it'd take Peyton out of your mind forever. But it wouldn't. So I'll remove him from your mind this way: I'll put my hands so, one on each side of your head, and I'll smash your skull between them like a walnut. And that'll block him out.
TEENAGE GIRL: No...Archie, I'm sorry...
[Eli crushes her skull, then looks around fearfully and removes a cell phone from his pocket and dials]
ELI: Jeremy, can you come get me? It...it happened again.

Our love for Shockey aside, I can't get past my fear of that guy who quarterbacks the Giants. Dreams, dreams, always dreams with you, Eli, never common sense. Tip for this weekend: The ball goes to the guy in the red, white, and blue, NOT the guy in the Eurotrash uniform! STAY ON TARGET. EAGLES over Giants.

NEW ENGLAND vs. CINCINNATI
Cincinnati prayed while onward surged the triumphant Patriots...heads were high, but hearts were heavy as the wounded and the refugees poured into unhappy Ohio. And the wind swept through...

BRADY!

PATRIOTS over Bengals, although I think Palmer should merit his inclusion on my fantasy team in the process. Sell you south I will, Carson Palmer. Swear I will.

Posted by Nastinchka at September 28, 2007 07:18 AM