Snarkastic

A POLL 65 MILLION YEARS IN THE MAKING: NCAA WEEK 6

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her rankings, which, if history is any indication, will outstrip my own as far as accuracy but whose glory will dim next to my victory in the 2007-2008 Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression Fantasy Football League.

I am proud to present the First Annual Dr. Alan Grant NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 5 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of trick plays involving cunningly disguised cryogenic chambers inside generic shaving cream cans. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include both T. Rexes, the Velociraptor delegation, B.D. Wong, Samuel L. Jackson, two of the most irritating children on the planet, Ambiguously Accented But Sexy Big Game Hunters, And Coach That One Dinosaur That Could Spit Acid Into Your Eyes, You Know, That One That Got Newman.

These teams were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should! Don't move...their defensive acuity is based on movement.

ME: What the hell do you think you're doing?!
[College Football Gods straighten up, looking surprised, and crack open a bottle of champagne]
ME: Hey!! I was saving that!!
COLLEGE FOOTBALL GODS: For today. I guarantee you.

The lack of humility before nature that's being displayed here, uh...staggers me. Half---HALF---of the Top 10 lost this weekend. While this was completely awesome and I fully rooted for all of those upsets (except Texas, and that was just out of repaying Holly's admirable loyalty in rooting for Colorado), it is also unnatural and a perversion of the universe, making the construction of a new Top 10 markedly harder than it has been in the previous weeks. Now, I know some of you might be upset by what you read below, but before you start cutting yourselves, remember this: if your team is no longer in the Top 10, they have no one to blame but themselves. The Top 10 is for good teams, and for Cal. For now. Remind me to thank Urban Meyer for a lovely weekend.

1. COLORADO
JOHN HAMMOND SAYS:...Just kidding. But c'mon folks, FREAKING COLORADO. The world is changing so fast, and we're all running to catch up. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but look. Buffaloes and Sooners... two species separated by 65 million years of evolution, have suddenly been thrown into the mix together. How can we possibly have the slightest idea of what to expect? The Buffs stampeded through my heart today. This has to be the first recorded incident of Buffaloes fighting back against the cruel hand of American tyranny in at least four hundred years. And I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER. OR DRUNKER. Also, I claim full credit for this victory, because this morning I found a buffalo poster in my room and put it on my door surrounded by a border of rose wallpaper, and look what happened. Now on to the real Top 10?

1. MARYLAND
JOHN HAMMOND SAYS: ...Still kidding. Boy, do I hate being right all the time! FEAR THE TURTLE!

TERP OFFENSIVE LINE: He left us! He left us! Jordan Steffy left us!
CHRIS TURNER: [Fiercely] But that's not what I'm gonna do.

I would like to take this opportunity to say I Told You So. The Mighty Terrapins managed to pull off an upset of the number 10 team in the country, away, with their third-string quarterback, by 10 points. FEAR. THE. TURTLE. Top 10, For Rills This Time:

1. LSU
HAMMOND SAYS: Les Miles has made living biological attractions so astounding that they'll capture the imagination of the entire planet. But don't make the mistake of thinking that a Florida loss will demoralize them or slow them down in any way. The opposite is true. If anything, your date next Saturday just got a lot more difficult. Don't get complacent now. By the way, is it just me, or is there some new NCAA rule where LSU never has to play outside the state of Louisiana? I think they've played once in Mississippi and that's it, and they're not leaving anytime soon.

2. USC
HAMMOND SAYS: They're...ah...tenacious. You have no idea. They were really lucky to escape this one. Will they be as lucky for the rest of the season? Time will tell, but I'm going with no.

3. CAL
HAMMOND SAYS:I'll tell you the problem with the offensive firepower that Cal is using here: it didn't require any discipline to attain it. They read what others had done and they took the next step. They didn't earn the knowledge for themselves, so they don't take any responsibility for it. They stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as they could and before they even knew what they had they patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now they're selling it, they want to sell it! Well, I'm not buying. Oregon had that game won, and they foolishly gave it away. Cal's days in this top 10 are numbered.

4. WISCONSIN
BADGERS: I love football. I just don't... need to play well right now.
COACH BIELEMA: I'll tell you what you NEED, a good defense!!!
BADGERS: [Waving casually] We''ll be back in five or six days.
COACH BIELEMA: (Frothing at the mouth) No, you'll be back in five or six PIECES!

It's amazing how hard Wisconsin has tried to lose in the past three weeks. Even more amazing? That they've failed. And they're still here!! I'm as surprised as you are!!

5. OHIO STATE
JIM TRESSEL: [Examining scrap of uniform on field] I think this was Adam Weber.
TODD BOECKMAN: [Gingerly holding up severed leg] I think this was, too.

6. KENTUCKY
HAMMOND SAYS: If there is one thing the history of evolution has taught us it's that life will not be contained. Life breaks free, expands to new territory, and crashes through barriers, painfully, maybe even dangerously. This is exactly what is happening in Kentucky right now. Andre Woodson is too good to be true. He's pretty and he throws like a Manning (the good one). It's very exciting. Less exciting? The fact that they'll be visiting Neyland Stadium in a few weeks. [Uncontrollable weeping]

7. BC
HAMMOND SAYS: Am I implying that a group composed entirely of female animals will... win the national title? No, I'm simply saying that life, uh...finds a way. Reap the benefits of the sufferings of WFV, Rutgers, Oklahoma, Texas, and Florida. Welcome to the Top 10!

8. SOUTH CAROLINA
ANTHONY DIXON: We can make it if we run.
SYLVESTER CROOM: No, we can't.
DIXON: Why not?
CROOM: [Eyeing Spurrier on opposing sideline] Because we are being hunted.
DIXON: [Following his gaze] Oh God.
CROOM: It's all right.
DIXON: Like hell it is!

HAMMOND SAYS: Is anyone else almost predatorily excited about their matchup next week with Kentucky? That should be an awesome game.

9. SOUTH FLORIDA
HAMMOND SAYS: Remember that chap about twenty years ago? I forget his name. Climbed Everest without any oxygen, played a seemingly invincible Mountaineer team, came down nearly dead. When they asked him, they said why did you go up there to die? He said I didn't, I went up there to live.

10. OKLAHOMA
ME: I don't blame people for their mistakes, but I do ask that they pay for them.
OKLAHOMA: [Snidely, sarcastically] Thanks, Dad.

HAMMOND SAYS: Some things are unknowable. And yeah, it is weird that we are living in a world where the number three team can lose to an unranked team and stay in the top 10, but what the hell else am I suppose to do when HALF THE TOP 10 LOSES? IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER, YOU DO IT!! [Uncontrollable weeping and pill-popping] I can't justify putting Florida in this spot, because Colorado is better than Auburn, even though they're both unranked, and also because I think Oklahoma has a better chance of actually staying in the Top 10, given that they play Texas next week while Florida travels to Death Valley. Oh, also, I don't like the Gators.

Miscellany

AUBURN-FLORIDA...
Try to imagine yourself in The Swamp. You get your first look at this "six foot turkey", Brandon Cox, as you enter a clearing. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And you keep still because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement like T-Vol, he'll lose you if you don't move. But no, not Velocitiger. You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that's when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side, from the other two Tigers you didn't even know were there. Because Velocitiger's a pack hunter, you see, he uses coordinated attack patterns and he is out in force today. And he slashes at you with this... a six-inch retractable claw, like a razor, on the the middle toe. He doesn't bother to bite your jugular like a lion, say... no no. He slashes at you here... or here... or maybe across the belly, spilling your intestines. The point is... you are alive when they start to eat you. So you know...try to show a little respect.

BRANDON COX...

Clever girl.

NOTRE DAME...
CHARLIE WEIS: You know the first attraction I ever built when I came down south from Scotland? Was a Flea Circus, Petticoat Lane. Really quite wonderful. We had a wee trapeze, a roundabout - - a merry-go - - what you call it? A carousel - - and a seesaw. They all moved, motorized of course, but people would swear they could see the fleas. "I see the fleas, mummy! Can't you see the fleas?" Clown fleas, high wire fleas, fleas on parade... But with Notre Dame, I - - I wanted to give them something real, something that wasn't an illusion, something they could see and touch. An aim devoid of merit.

ALABAMA-FSU...
ALABAMA ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT: [Slowly, sadly] I spared no expense.

TEXAS...
Now hold on, this is not some species that was obliterated by Oklahoma, or another top 10 team. The Longhorns, uh, had their shot, and nature selected them for extinction!

THE STATE OF MISSISSIPPI
SYLVESTER CROOM: It looks like we're out of a job.
ED ORGERON: Don't you mean extinct?

Posted by Nastinchka at September 30, 2007 07:05 PM