Snarkastic

ah, the Langoliers! that must be what Phil brought to practice last week to make the team play so hard all of a sudden.

anybody got a screen cap of Tebow crying? i need some new wallpaper.

Stephen King would love this so hard.

I hope he would, because I think he is one of the greatest living American authors and without a doubt the most horrifically unappreciated. See what I did there with bringing horror into it? Thanks, Master's program!!! [weeping at my jobless future]

I agree 100%, and I'm not just trying to curry favor here. Horror is usually penny ante stuff. King is a genius. Very wise of ya, J - very wise indeed.

I'm sure I'd have got more out of this if I had read more than one Steven King book.

Oh, and also if there wasn't an enormous puddle of diarrhea deposited on the field at the Coliseum right around 7.30 p.m. pacific last night.

J and I were talking earlier tonight about how this one will reach the smallest audience (i.e. those who spent their formative years devouring made-for-TV horror flicks) by a gulfy margin...which is really saying something for us. That said, this is our favorite so far. It's Lou Holtz as Mother Abigail that did it.

It is so exciting when someone who is not Holly agrees with me on this!! Usually I feel like the guy preaching on the street corner outside fraternity row when this subject comes up. You curry favor regardless of your intentions, friend. You totally just moved up on the Snarkastic commentator draft board. See that you don't end up like Ryan Leaf.

psssst....don't look now, but he also caught the CotC reference....and does a WICKED Malachi impression. I think it's love!

If I had based this on Stephen King's actual texts rather than the dozens of screen adaptations they spawned, it would have been 45 pages long and I would have won a Pulitzer for it. Are you seriously trying to tell me you haven't seen Carrie, The Shining, Misery, or Children of the Corn (or more recently, 1408)? This is a sad day for America. I understand the pain you must be feeling about what happened at the Coliseum, though--did anyone seriously think Stanford had a chance in hell?--so I'll let it go without further tirade.

Preach on, preacher. I read It when I was 10 and loved it. I read it again last year and appreciated it for completely different reasons. That's supreme talent.

I don't get all of the references this time, but I get enough to laugh hysterically (while still crying over the Trojans' inability to throw the ball).

Total consumption of any Stephen King output in any format: Read Christine, watched the Shining, watched the culmination of Carrie. That's it. I'm not really a horror fan, but then - at the risk of alienating Holly - I don't spend much time watching films these days anyway. I've been to see precisely 2 in a theatre in the last 5 years and dropped Netflix because I was averaging less than a film every 2 months.

As for Stanford, I didn't see it coming at all, but I've already shaken it off. My other allegiance is Scotland for international soccer, and they have plumbed depths so low in the last 10 (20? 30?) years that I am adept at dusting myself off and moving on. So if you feel a tirade is in order don't feel you need to hold back to save my bruised feelings ; )

Nah, I'm saving the tirade for those who will undoubtedly deserve it--the unfortunate souls who announce the BCS rankings next Monday. Although now that I think about it, here's a brief mini-tirade to tide us over until then.

If someone could kindly explain to me how Michigan loses to Appalachian State and immediately drops from 5th out of the Top 25 poll, yet USC can lose to Stanford and remain in the Top 10, and Florida can have TWO losses, one of which was to an unranked team at home, and still stay in the top 15, that would be GREAT. I mean, WHAT THE HELL. Don't tell me that it was because App State is a Division II team--at least they're the national champions of their division. Stanford, on the other hand, is a team entirely without merit. And it doesn't matter that one of Florida's losses was to the Number 1 team in the country--their other loss was to a 2-2 team that was not only unranked but severely handicapped by the loss of their best defensive player, and they were in the Swamp!! I am just really tired of seeing the pollsters do their damndest to keep the Gators and Trojans in this, when they threw Michigan out for a season-opening loss (and I hate Michigan with the fire of a thousand suns, so please, no cries of bias).

I take solace in the fact that any reasonable human being will be forced to see this as the beginning of the end for obsolete polling systems that run purely off bias.

Great question, j, something I was also wondering.

USC lost at home to a 1-3 Stanford team, a team that lost it's 3 games by scores of 45-17, 55-31 and 41-3. USC drops 8 spots in the "WAAAAH We Want Out of the BCS" AP Poll, and only FIVE FREAKIN' SPOTS in the "Wink Wink" Coaches Poll.

Wisconsin, meanwhile, lost on the road to 4-1 Illinois, who was unranked but favored by many to beat Wisky. Wisconsin nosedived 14 spots in the AP poll but only 9 spots in the USA Today poll. Stanford got 4 votes in this poll, too.

I believe the Football Gods have been angered by this and went back in time to break John David Booty's birdy finger.

Stanford a team without merit? Have you seen their SAT scores?

As for your other question, beats the hell out of me. I guess the difference between SC and Michigan is that Michigan started the 07 season falling apart the same way that they ended the 06 season / Rose Bowl - whereas USC took 5 games to return to their erratic best. As for Florida, I don't know.

The polls are a lagging indicator, inasmuch as it takes about a season before they really catch up with where things are. Poll voters are too slow to ding teams for losing, and too slow to promote teams who got off to a slow start.

As a process, it has about the same degree of rigor as watching my children (aged 5 and 2) decide which is their favorite book for storytime: "which book did I really like yesterday, because I'm really going to like that book again today. Until I don't."

Conferences are fine for local rivalries, but trying to rank teams across major conferences is statistical nonsense. If the NCAA doesn't have the stones to do a straight elimination tournament for the whole season, then have one for the winners of the conferences, and leave the rankings out of it.

DC, you're safe here. We reserve our venom for the vapid and the fanbase of Always Sunny. ;)

And we can all agree that Lou Holtz as Mother Abigail is the greatest pairing in recorded history, right? Because if we can't, I don't know why we're doing this.

Yeah, as soon as I pulled that quote I knew where it was going. Oh, Lou. GET OFF MY LAWN!

It boggles my mind that there is still no playoff. It's been obvious for quite some time that the present system is not working. We would do better to abandon it.

This might be one of the most brilliant things I've ever read, and I understood about a quarter of it.

Even if I didn't get the King references (I've avoided It in both its forms, my whole life), this would still be the most brilliantest sports commentary format ever.

OMG I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY SEEN THE LANGOLIERS ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I'M BUYING THE DVD NOW

1. Joan will be along shortly to argue for The Stand, and has a point, but it's second to IT, for my money. There's the usual section at the end where he goes all metaphysical in italics, and I can't read it without tears, no kidding.

2. HOW THE FUCK HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN THE LANGOLIERS? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. Seriously, GO. NOT the new version, either, the one with David Morse.

3. Our encyclopedic knowledge that leads to things like this post never fails to scare me, and if properly applied, could cure cancer.

IT is great...brilliant, actually. Unfortunately, it pales in comparison to the breathtaking genius that is the uncut version of The Stand, which is the single greatest epic of modern literature. It is Tolkienesque. There can be no higher compliment. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for you to read the uncut version, and not the one they made King edit 400 pages out of when they were still stupid enough to think there was no market for a thousand page Stephen King book.

The Langoliers is bar none the worst adaptation of any text to the screen in the history of mankind. I can't put my finger on what's worse--the compilation of British stereotypes that stand in for the male lead's performance, the unnattractive and uninspired performance of the female lead, the stilted delivery of the child actor, the costuming (special mention of the neon t-shirt and jorts), the fact that the guy who played Craig Toomey did not win an Oscar for his psychotic performance, or the "special" "effects" that rip your heart out of your body and trample it before barbecuing it and forcing you to eat it while still on fire. WARNING: the langoliers pictured above are not even the worst effect. Enjoy the "aurora borealis", "airplane", and "abandoned world". My brother and I watched this several years ago and were absolutely entranced, to the point where we still make jokes about it, or feel the need to rip paper into long strips while staring at each other with lifeless eyes and sweaty faces. The Langoliers has brought me SO MUCH JOY.

SHIT SHIT SHIT

I JUST REALIZED

THE GUY WHO PLAYED CRAIG TOOMEY WAS BRONSON PINCHOT

AND ALSO THE LANGOLIERS WAS NOMINATED FOR AN EMMY

MY LIFE, IT IS COMPLETE

YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME

Next time we're all together, you two are gettin' me trashed and subjecting me to this movie. Please. Though I'm not sure it'll be as much fun as Joan's description of it.

Scary Fucking Clown on Alabama passing game:

"BEEP BEEP John Parker! Your passes float. They ALL float down here. When you're down here with blitzing linebackers and a decent secondary, you'll float too!"

No, but really, it will be. The guy from Quantum Leap is in it too, in case you needed more motivation beyond the jorts.

P.S:

Can I get some "Walking Dude" quotes from The Statnd as played by Ron Franklin?

And unsurprisingly, the Snarkastic Zeitgeist is localised not around Indiana Jones, Alien(s), Jurassic Park, or even Lord of the Rings, but at a sports and Stephen King crossroads. This never occurred to me, though it sure the hell should have.

Tony Romo is doing an absolutely pitch-perfect Captain Trips impression right now.

after years of being a UTAH fan in the southeast (I'm the only graduate in the family not to have gone there) we might be back on our feet. and our hatred of anything Big East made this weekend better...being in louisville in witnessing the crap fans and their trumped up princess QB plus their shitty stadium that bankrupted them...I can now say with pride: Who am I, sir? A Utah man am I. A Utah man, sir, and will be till I die!

the compilation of British stereotypes that stand in for the male lead's performance

Careful please, you're getting dangerously close to criticizing what passes for my character.

I hate Tony Romo for being so goddamn likable in that post-game chat. He was so earnest and goofy I wanted to smash his face with Tha Playmaker's watch.

I haven't read The Langoliers (I know!) but I have seen the Night Flier, and that was the worst King story, ever. Worse than Maximum Overdrive.

Jeebsy, are you forgetting the pile of ass that was Sleepwalkers? Incestuous cat people, acting that one could generously describe as wooden, terrible special effects (not in the charming Dr. Who manner), and a story that at no point was even remotely interesting. When King's good, he's very good, but there has been an awful lot of heinous crap produced by that crazy little head of his.

I haven't forgotten Sleepwalkers, but you have forgotten that it featured Joe Dante (Gremlins), John Landis (Thriller), Clive Barker (Nightbreed), and Ron Perlman, so you sir, are very wrong. Night Flier was so bad that Steven Weber turned it down.

I hate Tony Romo for throwing 5 INT's and also having a fumble. He's my fantasy QB, and I started out the game down by 20, and kept sinking lower because of his foolishness. My Ro-momentum was going backerds.

The sole saving grace was seeing the Dallas kicker stab Buffalo in the heart not once but twice, Wes Byrum-style.

Wow, I'd forgotten all those people were involved. I hate it a little more for sucking so hard. Admittedly, I haven't seen Night Flier, but if Steven Weber turned down a role in it then it has to be an immense turd. I'll take your word for it and stay far away.

I know you haven't seen it, otherwise you wouldn't have foolishly insinuated that a Mick Garris joint didn't rule.
Recognize.

He's coming for YOU, Kentucky! The man with no face!! Oh, how I love to love my Terps.