Snarkastic

Laff Riot 49: Shoeth and Shipth and Thealing Waxth

Your move, Big Daddy:
9:32:48 PM Holly: Are you watching the new season of The Office?
9:32:57 PM Joan: Of course
9:33:16 PM Holly: Did you get a familiar shiver during the Kelly/Ryan scenes?
9:33:21 PM Joan: YES
9:33:24 PM Joan: A THOUSAND TIMES YES
9:33:31 PM Holly: Followed by an even more horrible shiver when you realized she could be one of any ten girls we know and love?
9:33:35 PM Joan: Why are all our friends so creepy?
9:35:20 PM Joan: Also, why are 'Box and I not married yet? He is like a male you with a softer edge. We are perfectly compatible, and for me his gayness is an asset, not a detractor.
9:35:31 PM Holly: I'll ask him next time we talk
9:35:40 PM Joan: See that you do.
9:35:41 PM Holly: Or we could just make it the title of the next Laff Riot.

2:07:08 PM Joan: I I CONTROL COLLEGE FOOTBALL
2:07:14 PM Holly: I KNOW.
2:07:22 PM Joan: HOLY SHIT.
2:07:38 PM Joan: I take 100% of credit for this victory
2:07:50 PM Joan: Since I was the only person in America rooting for Colorado
2:07:54 PM Holly: And me!
2:08:04 PM Joan: i counted you when i said me.
2:18:03 PM Joan: I am for rills going downstairs and drinking five beers and pouring the sixth out for ralphie
2:18:49 PM Joan: we ride together, we die together
2:18:57 PM Joan: OH
2:19:00 PM Joan: I just realized why they won
2:19:19 PM Joan: Last night I was cleaning my room and I found that buffalo poster that was in my room senior year
2:19:35 PM Joan: And I put it on my door surrounded by a border of rose wrapping paper
2:19:49 PM Joan: The results speak for themselves.
3:03:51 PM Joan: ROAM, DAMN YOU. ROAM WITH PRIDE.

3:28:03 PM Joan: I keep my promise. Go Longhorns.
3:28:18 PM Holly: Well, do a little dance or something. Texas needs you.
3:28:44 PM Joan: Too bad I don't have a longhorn poster to put on my door.
3:28:56 PM Joan: but cows are kind of like buffaloes
3:29:10 PM Holly: Hold on to that.

3:09:24 PM Holly: MY LIFE FOR YOU
3:10:03 PM Holly: but I AM NOT POSTING THAT PICTURE.
3:10:25 PM Joan: Well good luck finding one where he doesn't look menacing, because I am not changing that caption.
3:10:51 PM Holly: ....oh, god, This? Will involve me googling Pennywise.
3:11:03 PM Joan: Which is why i did it for you
3:11:07 PM Joan: But you are unappreciative.
3:11:15 PM Holly: no. just scared.
3:20:23 PM Joan: you like?
3:23:40 PM Holly: This was the ntatural evolution of The Turtle Can't Help You, Rick Clausen.
3:23:44 PM Holly: I love it.
3:32:59 PM Joan: there is nothing natural about this season
3:33:03 PM Joan: but otherwise i agree with you
3:33:26 PM Holly: still laughing
3:37:03 PM Holly: You know
3:37:08 PM Holly: of all of these
3:37:17 PM Holly: I feel like this one has the smallest audience
3:37:25 PM Holly: and yet, it is my favorite.
3:37:27 PM Joan: is a good litmus test
3:37:34 PM Holly: I think that makes it special-er, somehow.
3:37:40 PM Joan: If people don't get it, I automatically up my contempt for them.
3:38:23 PM Holly: This is my point. Time to cull our flock.
4:03:04 PM Joan: ...like Tom Cull...en.
4:09:23 PM Holly: ....

8:29:27 PM Holly: C'mooooon, Tigers.
8:32:49 PM PB: I'm for UF. Big time. (Sorry. You're hot.)
8:33:06 PM Holly: [baleful stare]
8:33:22 PM PB: [scrambles to look up baleful]

12:32:05 PM Joan: I damaged a nerve in my arm yesterday at the football game from exuberant cheering, but I regret nothing.
12:32:17 PM Holly: Nor should you.
12:32:21 PM Joan: NOTHING.
12:34:41 PM Holly: 'PAC-10-FOOT-BALL!"
12:34:55 PM Holly: CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP AAAAAHSAHAHAHAHAHAHA
12:35:08 PM Joan: Also: I am almost positive Tim Tebow's performance can be attributed to his discovery of our songs.
12:35:28 PM Holly: Duh. [read in tone of Emma Thompson's daughter in Love, Actually when she asks whether there was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus]
12:36:06 PM Joan: I saw a distinctly "Don't Fumble My Heart" look in his eyes

11:17:52 AM Holly: I have the nicest mother.
11:17:55 AM Holly: The kindest mother.
11:17:58 AM Holly: The prettiest mother.
11:18:00 AM Holly: Everyone says so.
11:25:44 AM Momma: moi?
11:26:50 AM Holly: It's from The Bad Seed.
11:26:54 AM Holly: i thought it was appropriate
11:27:05 AM Holly: seeing as how I've turned to SELLING MYSELF ON PORNOGRAPHIC COLLEGE FOOTBALL INTERNET WEB SITES.
11:31:45 AM Momma: there now, aren't we HAVING FUN with this?

3:29:32 PM Holly: John Parker Wilson just got sacked by Florida state. Is Mercury in retrograde?
3:30:39 PM Joan: the moon is in the second house
3:30:45 PM Joan: and samuel adams is in my stomach

12:18:43 PM Jeebsy: i knew we weren't good 2 weeks ago
12:18:52 PM Jeebsy: i did not know we were going to be the worst team in the big 10
12:19:28 PM Jeebsy: starting tomorrow, my blog is going to be about sandwiches and great redheads in time
12:20:15 PM Holly: *hair toss*
12:21:14 PM Jeebsy: I just stapled my hand about 20 minutes ago, and it was the third worst thing to happen to me all day.
12:38:25 PM Jeebsy: I think I need to watch March of the Penguins tonight. That's all I can think of.

3:05:06 PM Joan: Oh, right. You're getting Cal.
3:05:58 PM Joan: Unfortunately, I am also not getting Maryland. Life is so unfair.
3:06:14 PM Holly: Wait, what the hell game are you getting?
3:06:22 PM Joan: clemson ga tech
3:06:26 PM Holly: ew.
3:06:32 PM Joan: so i am alternating betwen alabama and wisconsin
3:07:07 PM Holly: If it makes you feel any better, I think someone in my building is learning to play the clarinet.
3:07:51 PM Joan: That does help.

This made perfect sense at the time.
5:01:10 PM Holly: you reeeady?
5:01:25 PM Janie: I AM FULL OF MOUNTAIN DEW AND READINESS!
5:04:33 PM Janie: Oh, if anyone's an animagus, it's Coach O.
5:04:37 PM Janie: That's brilliant.
5:05:07 PM Holly: Or he's wearing a people suit.
5:05:14 PM Holly: And that's just what he looks like.
5:05:20 PM Janie: A NUTRIA IN A PEOPLE SUIT
5:05:57 PM Janie: Don't worry. He shall be bested.

10:20:35 PM Joan: Also, WHY CAN'T I GET THIS FUCKING APPALACHIAN STATE SONG OUT OF MY HEAD I HAAAAAAATE YOU APPALACHIAN STATE
10:20:44 PM Joan: Any goodwill they earned at the Big House is gone.
10:21:15 PM Holly: Keep a little piece on your "heart"
10:21:21 PM Holly: for the humiliation they caused Michigan
10:22:02 PM Joan: It's so hard, because that song is like a horrible virus
10:22:14 PM Joan: It literally pops into my head at least twice a day
10:22:32 PM Holly: Do what I do
10:22:45 PM Holly: And replace it with that one Erasure song the second it happens
10:22:53 PM Holly: your head will bop happily the livelong day.
10:23:45 PM Joan: The only song worse than hot hot hot is the new iPod commercial song 1-2-3-4
10:24:19 PM Holly: I try to discooover
10:24:26 PM Holly: a little something' to make it sweeter
10:24:31 PM Holly: oh baby refrain
10:24:45 PM Joan: I knew if I dragged this out you would eventually sing to me. (victorious dusting off of hands)
10:24:48 PM Holly: from breakin my heeeeeaarrrrrt*
*where "heart" implies "obsdian pit". Not valid outside contiental US. Must be 21 or over. Many will enter, few will escape the burn unit.
10:24:59 PM Holly: [scene]

12:22:20 PM Holly: So how's your day?
12:22:31 PM Holly: Any emails telling you I'm running a gambling ring?
12:22:35 PM Holly: Because I am.
12:22:44 PM Holly: It said so on the internet web logs.
12:23:19 PM Momma: Does this mean you'll have to cut back on the p**n??
12:24:50 PM Holly: Yes, I will have to cut down on the YOU KNOW WHAT.
12:23:43 PM Holly: Do the little stars mean you're doing that thing where you're whispering and screaming at the same time because it's a BAD WORD?
12:25:17 PM Momma: whisper scream same time? I guess so
12:23:46 PM Holly: I like it when you do that.
12:24:29 PM Momma: wait! I can't keep up!!!
12:24:48 PM Momma: really? a gambling ring? are you really? does it have to do with foobaw?
12:24:52 PM Holly: MOMMA.
12:24:53 PM Holly: NO.
12:25:44 PM Momma: cause I was gonna say, can I have a cut of the profits for my retirement fund?
12:26:17 PM Holly: You are the prettiest.
12:26:21 PM Holly: I don't care what they say about you.

1:17:30 PM Holly: OH HOLY SHIT CALL ME YOU STILL HAVE NOT HEARD
1:17:45 PM Holly: You do not understand how important this phone call is
1:17:52 PM Joan: Just tell me
1:17:54 PM Holly: It will take ten seconds
1:17:59 PM Holly: I need to tell you one sentence
1:18:04 PM Holly: and then nothing else will matter
1:18:05 PM Joan: then just tell me!
1:18:11 PM Holly: because we have our DESTINIES
1:18:15 PM Holly: call me I want to hear you scream.
1:18:17 PM Holly: (in a good way)
1:18:30 PM Joan: You can either tell me right now or you will have to wait eight hours, the choice is yours.
1:18:35 PM Holly: Fine.
1:18:45 PM Holly: Fran Drescher is considering a run for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat.
1:18:56 PM Joan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAS;LKSADHJF;LASDJKFH;ASDLFKJ;SDALFKJDS'LFD
1:19:02 PM Holly: SEE???
1:19:05 PM Joan: SHE WOULD TOTALLY WIN
1:19:06 PM Joan: FRAN IS THE SHIT.
1:19:19 PM Holly: Nothing else to say but GET YOUR COAT
1:19:41 PM Joan: I would totally drop everything else in my life to work on her campaign
1:19:49 PM Holly: SEE?
1:20:06 PM Joan: I almost wish I didn't know, because now it's going to be really hard to concentrate.
1:20:11 PM Holly: Sorry.
1:20:32 PM Holly: (If that sounded insincere, it was because I am not at all sorry.)

7:23:38 PM PB: C'mon Gators
7:23:52 PM Holly: C'moooooon, meteorite.
7:24:07 PM PB: ABL
7:24:17 PM PB: (Anybody But Les)
7:24:41 PM Holly: Oh, wow
7:24:48 PM Holly: for a minute I thought you meant the aircraft laser
7:25:03 PM Holly: and I was all "Well, it's not an act of god, but yeah, that'd work too."

Prescience, applied:
8:23:11 PM Joan: I'm not clear on how Pat White and Steve Slaton totally self-destructed like that.
8:24:11 PM Joan: Like, even before he bruised his knee, White failed to get into the end zone for two quarters. And Slaton couldn't get there in four!! WTF?
8:25:36 PM Joan: during the last three minutes i could actually hear your kinfolk screaming from OR
8:25:44 PM Holly: Oh, there was hissing aplenty.
8:25:56 PM Joan: there usually is
8:27:08 PM Joan: this is exactly why i don't make college football picks
8:27:19 PM Joan: too much unpredictable smiting.
8:27:51 PM Joan: now imagine if colorado could upset oklahoma (wiping happy tear from eye)
8:28:10 PM Joan: I'm a dreamer. DON'T STOP ME FROM FLYING.
8:28:25 PM Holly: Spread your wings, baby eagle.
8:32:07 PM Joan: (buffalo wing joke)
9:14:19 PM Holly: [snide loretta lynn remark]
9:15:14 PM Joan: we've been down this road before.
9:15:21 PM Holly: I do love the view.

S'go, Sox:
9:45:12 PM Holly: I would not have been at all surprised
9:45:18 PM Holly: to have seen that ball turn into an actual rocket
9:45:23 PM Jeebsy: I know!
9:45:25 PM Holly: with a wave of glitter from Manny's hand
9:45:36 PM Jeebsy: His fucking swing is so beautiful.
9:45:57 PM Jeebsy: LOOK AT HIM!! AAAAAAHAHAHA!
9:46:11 PM Jeebsy: He also leads the league in man hugs.
9:47:03 PM Holly: AIRPLAAANE! I love him so much.
9:47:37 PM Holly: Wait.
9:47:40 PM Holly: he speaks engllish?
9:47:49 PM Jeebsy: He's from New York.
9:47:56 PM Holly: Oh. In my head, he doesn't talk, communicating through a complicated chirping language of his own devising.

9:27:46 PM Joan: They are destined to be together.
9:27:47 PM Holly: OK, I know the answer to this
9:27:49 PM Holly: but:
9:27:53 PM Holly: Does he know that?
9:28:01 PM Joan: (incredulous look)
9:28:13 PM Holly: I know.
9:28:18 PM Holly: I just thought, for posterity, I'd ask.
9:28:43 PM Joan: I will say this, though: I've had to listen to two months of him bitching and moaning about how there are no pretty girls in Boston. So now I am going to present an Authentic Pretty Southern Girl to him! Am I not merciful?
9:29:14 PM Holly: I know the answer to this one, too
9:29:19 PM Holly: but make sure she wears her pearls.
9:29:37 PM Joan: We Are One. I actually texted her and reminded her to do so earlier.
9:30:11 PM Joan: I've also asked her to reference The Great Gatsby, Harry Potter, and the Democratic Party at any opportune moment.
9:30:24 PM Holly: This, she can do.
9:30:33 PM Joan: I fully expect that any dowry should be paid to me.
9:30:51 PM Holly: For ussssssss
9:31:35 PM Joan: I meant us.
9:32:04 PM Holly: I know.
9:32:08 PM Holly: *nose pet*

5:17:38 PM PB: I can't decide whether I dislike the show a lot, or dislike that people think it's Really Good.
5:18:00 PM Holly: Always Sunny?
5:18:03 PM PB: Yeah
5:18:09 PM PB: Probably some measure of both
5:18:10 PM Holly: It's deplorable.
5:18:34 PM Holly: They shot that pilot for like $400, sent a DVD to F/X, and got a show.
5:18:37 PM Holly: And yet, I am not famous.
5:18:51 PM Holly: Oh, and it's fucking terrible.
5:19:10 PM PB: Only seen maybe 3 episodes. Seemed pretty crass and repetitive
5:19:25 PM Holly: Yes.
5:19:58 PM PB: [sends out bait... waits for hollyfish...]
5:20:31 PM Holly: I can't start, not now.
5:20:38 PM Holly: Not if you want me to stop talking about it, ever.
5:20:56 PM PB: Haven't seen that much. Just seems sorta crude and simplistic. [the patient fisherman never stops after one cast...]
5:21:10 PM Holly: (really)
5:21:26 PM PB: Aaaand... there's lightning on the lake. Everyone off the boat.

1:11:36 PM Holly: I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY DREAM LAST NIGHT.
1:11:42 PM Holly: It was so, so real
1:11:48 PM Holly: and yet immediately recognizable as a dream
1:12:06 PM Holly: We were arguing with the boys over which one of us was going to dress as which ninja turtle for Halloween
1:12:24 PM Holly: Which is when I KNEW it had to be a dream, because in real life it shakes out so perfectly.
1:12:42 PM Holly: Observe: As the emotional center of our (and every) universe, you have to be Leonardo.
1:13:23 PM Holly: While I feel I identify most with Raphael, there is one person on this planet more prone to sullen fits and outbursts of violence, and that person is Caesar.
1:13:56 PM Holly: Which makes me Donatello, appropriately, since LOOK HOW SMART I AM DID YOU KNOW
1:14:21 PM Holly: And Casey's Michaelangelo, who's always opening his big mouth and getting us captured by Bebop and Roxsteady.
1:14:30 PM Joan: Unless this ends with Danny being April, I am not convinced.
1:14:37 PM Holly: So it ALL FITS
1:14:41 PM Holly: but in the dream it didn't happen that way
1:15:05 PM Holly: While you were trying to derail the whole thing by saying Leonardo wasn't slutty enough for a Halloween costume
1:15:32 PM Holly: and Casey and Caesar were arguing over the phrase "bring a nunchuk to a knife fight"
1:15:45 PM Holly: Stewart came in and got into your makeup and did his whole face up as Splinter
1:16:19 PM Joan: HAHAHAHAHAHA
1:16:21 PM Holly: and somehow ended up falling off the back deck of Castle Greyskull while perfecting his hobble.
1:16:32 PM Joan: The image of Stewart getting into my makeup is so realistic
1:16:26 PM Holly: (the lowest one, he was OK)

8:18:23 PM Swindle: Go.
8:18:45 PM Holly: No. Not more.
8:18:58 PM Swindle: THis one's...magical
8:19:50 PM Holly: Oh my god
8:19:52 PM Holly: he's serious
8:20:02 PM Holly: IS HE GOING TO MAKE A HAT?
8:20:05 PM Swindle: no--keepwatching
8:20:08 PM Holly: IS HE GOING TO MAKE A NEWSPAPER HAT?
8:20:22 PM Holly: That's the best use of a USA Today I've seen.
8:21:01 PM Holly: I...we need a word for this.
8:21:09 PM Holly: This has completely transcended all possibility of parody
8:21:14 PM Holly: to a degree that I have never seen.
8:21:19 PM Swindle: No--it's brilliant.
8:21:28 PM Swindle: I always wondered how he kept jobs
8:21:35 PM Swindle: I now realize he just started talking
8:21:47 PM Swindle: I think he's a fucking savant
8:23:17 PM Swindle: He's the man from Hadleyburg
8:23:28 PM Swindle: I firmly believe he could save humanity from itself.
8:23:37 PM Holly: If only they would just lithen.
8:23:39 PM Swindle: Or corrupt an entire town by himself
8:23:45 PM Swindle: himthelf
8:23:59 PM Swindle: I'm always ready to fight after these speeches
8:24:04 PM Swindle: I know how that trick's done
8:24:07 PM Swindle: But I'm still thinking
8:24:14 PM Swindle: HOW THE FUCK DID HE DO THAT?
8:24:26 PM Swindle: AND WHERE'S SOMEONE WEARING PURPLE AND YELLOW FOR ME TO HIT
8:25:02 PM Holly: blood makes the grath grow
8:25:23 PM Swindle: Men, I want you to be loothe
8:25:27 PM Swindle: Have fun!
8:25:31 PM Swindle: You know who had fun?
8:25:36 PM Swindle: My pet iguana Harold
8:25:44 PM Swindle: Oh, Harold was a gem.
8:25:49 PM Swindle: He ate flies and loved it.
8:26:11 PM Swindle: And that's what you have to underthand: one lithard's flies are another man'th pethsts
8:26:27 PM Swindle: What do I mean by that?
8:26:31 PM Swindle: Never you mind.
8:26:24 PM Holly: I think he trips up on "pests"
8:26:32 PM Holly: and it takes him a full thirty seconds to get out
8:26:37 PM Holly: "pehshehthehs
8:26:56 PM Holly: [lineman: "Gesundheit, sir"]
8:27:07 PM Swindle: Grabs lineman
8:27:14 PM Swindle: LET ME THAY IT!!!
8:26:44 PM Swindle: Watch me pour milk into a tophat!
8:27:40 PM Holly: [center discreetly passes lineman folded towel from stack]
8:28:42 PM Swindle: I know what you're thinking
8:28:43 PM Holly: "but sir--"
8:28:47 PM Swindle: That's 154 perthent
8:28:49 PM Holly: "I WAS IN KO-REA!"
8:28:56 PM Holly: "You weren't, sir"
8:29:00 PM Holly: "GO RUN LAPTH"
8:29:16 PM Holly: "IT'S A FIGGER OF THPEECH"
8:29:20 PM Swindle: I AM KO-REAN!
8:29:43 PM Swindle: Because Korean stands for
8:29:48 PM Swindle: Koordinated
8:29:53 PM Swindle: Original
8:29:56 PM Swindle: Really
8:30:00 PM Swindle: Excited
8:30:02 PM Swindle: About
8:30:15 PM Swindle: Nockin' the other team out
8:30:15 PM Swindle:Every man'th got a 38th parallel in hith heart
8:30:15 PM Swindle:And we're going acroth it tonight.
8:30:15 PM Swindle:Jutht like Robert E Lee did
8:30:15 PM Swindle:when he beat the Germanth
8:38:21 PM Swindle: Inthpiration is 95% belief and 10 perthent licorice

Posted by Nastinchka at October 9, 2007 06:40 PM