Snarkastic

Not When I Can Get Spiders: NCAA Week 8

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her smash hit rankings. [Note for the drowsy: I didn't write this one. I just do the pretty pictures. And about twelve people will read this, so cool it with the hate mail, assholes.]

I am proud to present the First Annual Movie Monsters NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 7 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of time-lapse photography in which wolf hairs slowly sprout out of someone's face. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Christopher Lee, Bela Lugosi, The Hack Screenwriters That Can't Make It In Any Other Genre Guild, People Who Eat Bugs, And Coach Asshole That Decided To Make Van Helsing, The Worst Movie In The History Of Filmmaking, But Also The One That Brought The Most Tears Of Unintentional Joy To My Eyes, Largely Due To The Atrocious Vampire (Excuse Me, Vampyre) Effects, So Thanks, Asshole.

It's a perfect night for mystery and horror. The air itself is filled with monsters. Lofty timbers, the walls around are bare, echoing to our laughter as though the dead were there... Quaff a cup to the teams dead already, hooray for the next to die! The spiders are spinning their webs for the unwary fly. This season is CRAZY! It's crazy! All the pollsters are crazy except you and me. Sometimes I have my doubts about you.

The blood is the life, BCS rankings. The blood is the LIFE.

1. SOUTH FLORIDA
IGOR SAYS: Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright. The werewolf is neither man nor wolf, but a Satanic creature with the worst qualities of both. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Grothe!

2. OHIO STATE
IGOR SAYS: Among the rugged peaks that crown down upon the Borgo Pass are found crumbling stadiums of a bygone age. This team isn't even as good as they were last year, and they weren't all that great then. Now, I know that every other poll has Ohio State at the top. I know we're in the Season Of The Upset, but seriously: YSU, Akron, Washington, Northwestern, Minnesota, Purdue, and Kent State? I could cobble together a team consisting of Teri Hatcher, Seth Rogen, and the Muppet Babies, quarterbacked by a patchwork quilt, and beat those teams by 140 points. Just because Ohio State is the last big-name unbeaten doesn't mean they should automatically rise to the top.

3. BOSTON COLLEGE
IGOR SAYS: Their schedule will force them to deal with forces beyond all human experience, and enormous power. So guard yourselves well. Otherwise, your precious season will become a bitch of the Devil! A whore of darkness! I really think BC will lose either this Thursday, at Virginia Tech, or in the next few weeks, at Maryland. (FEAR THE TURTLE!!!!!)

4. LSU
IGOR SAYS: I heard dogs howling. And when the dream came, it seemed the whole room was filled with mist. It was so thick, I could just see the lamp by the bed, a tiny spark in the fog. And then I saw two red eyes glaring at me. And a white livid face came down out of the mist. It came closer and closer. I felt its breath on my face and then its lips as it sacked me... oh!

5. SOUTH CAROLINA
IGOR SAYS:
REPORTER: How did Spurrier recruit you, get you to come to South Carolina?
SMELLEY: He came and stood below my window in the moonlight. And he promised me things, not in words, but by doing them.
REPORTER: Doing them?
SMELLEY: By making them happen. A red mist spread over the lawn, coming on like a flame of fire! And then he parted it, and I could see that there were thousands of rats, with their eyes blazing red, like his, only smaller. Then he held up his hand, and they all stopped, and I thought he seemed to be saying: "Rats! Rats! Rats! Thousands! Millions of them! All red-blood! All these will I give you! If you will obey me!"
SPURRIER: [smugly] I?m going to TRANSFORM him, and unleash the savage instincts that lie hidden within... and then I'll be judged the benefactor.

6. KENTUCKY
IGOR SAYS: And may I say that Mister Andre is hotter than a June bride riding bareback buck naked in the middle of the Sahara!

RICH BROOKS: I am Dracula.
LES MILES: Oh, it's really good to see you. I don't know what happened to the team bus driver and my luggage and... Well, and with all this [gesturing towards the wasteland that is Lexington], I thought I was in the wrong place.
RICH BROOKS: I bid you welcome.
[Brooks goes down to the sideline. Miles starts to follow him. Suddenly, they hear wild howling from the student section.]
RICH BROOKS: [Smiling creepily, spreading arms wide] Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.

7. ARIZONA STATE
IGOR SAYS:
ARIZONA STATE: Get back in the cellar of the Pac-10! [Insane crowing]
WASHINGTON: I prefer to remain and protect those whom you would destroy.
ARIZONA STATE: You are too late. My blood now flows through their veins.
WASHINGTON: We know how to save Cal, Oregon, and USC's souls if not their seasons: by selflessly sacrificing ourselves.
ARIZONA STATE: If they die by day. But I shall see that they die by night.

8. WEST VIRGINIA
IGOR SAYS: Look! It's moving. It's alive. It's alive... It's alive, it's moving, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive, ITS ALIVE! Oh, in the name of God! [wild cackling]

9. OKLAHOMA
IGOR SAYS: Oklahoma is not in the SEC. Their ways are not our ways. And to us there shall be many strange things. Of the one-loss teams who inexplicably choked against inferior teams (I still love you, Ralphie), Oklahoma is the only one who has played strongly enough to convince me that they still have a shot at this.

10. OREGON
IGOR SAYS: Do you believe in destiny? That even the powers of time can be altered for a single purpose? That the luckiest man who walks upon this earth is the one who turns on his TV to find...that the only team he lost to just committed suicide on national television? Oregon is so back in this thing.

MISC...
TENNESSEE
The strength of the vampire is that you will not believe in him. SEC!!! SEC!!!

CAL
KEVIN RILEY: [weeping at Jeff Tedford's feet] I'm loyal to you, Master, I am your slave, I didn't betray you! I didn't ignore your instructions and decide to run a play on my own! Oh, no, don't! Don't kill me! Let me live, please! Punish me, torture me, but let me live! I can't die with all those lives on my conscience! All that blood on my hands!

Just in case anyone needed a reminder, I have been saying since the preseason that Cal would find a way to blow it. Love me.

CINCINNATI
Poor old Cincinnati. Have you never wanted to do anything that was dangerous? Where should we be if no one tried to find out what lies beyond? Have your never wanted to look beyond the clouds and the stars, or to know what causes the trees to bud? And what changes the darkness into light? But if you talk like that, people call you crazy. Well, if I could discover just one of these things, what eternity is, for example, I wouldn't care if they did think I was crazy.

LOU HOLTZ
Yes, I speak, and read, and think, and know the ways of men. Alone: bad. On television: good!

WISCONSIN
The way you walked was thorny, through no fault of your own, but as the rain enters the soil, the river enters the sea, so tears run to a predestined end. Your suffering is over, Bielema my son. Now you will find peace.

AUBURN
I have the perfect explanation for how Auburn has totally bounced back from their embarrassing 2-2 start to completely humiliate Florida and Arkansas (also as I predicted). Whoever is bitten by a werewolf will become a werewolf himself! The South Florida wolf bit them, didn't it? Mystery solved.

THE BCS
The poll system is on the verge of destroying itself. The only hope for the human race is to hurl it back into its primitive norm, to start all over again. What's one life compared to such a triumph?

ARKANSAS
Now that you have learned what you have learned, it would be well for you to return to your own country.

GEORGIA
There are far worse things awaiting man than death. Like a victory so improbably snatched from the jaws of defeat that the Bulldogs felt the need to dance on the V at midfield...for beating...VANDERBILT. Way to celebrate your inferiority, Dawgs. Nice.

USC
The Trojans are not a random victim, attacked by mere accident, you understand? No. They are willing recruits, breathless followers, wanton followers. I dare say, devoted disciples. They deserve their 14th ranking. They are the Devil's concubine!

Posted by Nastinchka at October 17, 2007 10:45 AM