Snarkastic

Hello, Clarice: NCAA Week 9

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her smash hit rankings. [Note for the drowsy: I didn't write this one. I just do the pretty pictures. And about twelve people will read this, so cool it with the hate mail, assholes.]

I am proud to present the First Annual Silence of the Lambs Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 8 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of lotions being put into baskets. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Thomas Harris, Moth Collections, Yipping Dogs That Won't Shut Their Traps, And Coach That One Guy With The Face, You Know, That Guy Who Plays The Prison Doctor, And He's Been In Everything Ever, But I Don't Know His Name.

1. OHIO STATE
DR. LECTER SAYS: There's nothing wrong with you... except Todd Boeckman's hair. His hair is a train wreck.

2. LSU
DR.LECTER SAYS: Do not touch the glass. Do not approach the glass. Bring nothing into the stadium but soft paper - no pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in the paper. Use the sliding food carrier, no exceptions. If they attempt to pass you anything, do not intercept it. Do you understand me? Glenn Dorsey is a monster. Pure psychopath. So rare to capture one alive. From a research point of view, Dorsey is our most prized asset. I can tell you with some authority that next week's LSU-Bama matchup is literally the most important thing to happen in either state since Reconstruction, and regardless of the outcome, large portions of each state will burn.

3. BOSTON COLLEGE
DR. LECTER SAYS: You will not persuade me with appeals to my intellectual vanity. Have fun traveling to Virginia "All Of A Sudden, We're Back" Tech and Byrd "Yeah, We Beat #10 Rutgers In The Same House They Beat #2 USF In" Stadium.

4. OREGON
DR. LECTER SAYS: Johnathan Stewart is not a man. He began as one, but now he is becoming more than a man, as you will witness. With his 251 yards rushing and 2 TDs, he's looking pretty prepared for the horrible two-week stretch they're going into.

5. ARIZONA STATE
DR. LECTER SAYS:
KEEGAN HARRING: I am the Dragon. And you call me insane. You are privy to a great becoming, but you recognize nothing. To me, you are a slug in the sun. You are an ant in the afterbirth. It is your nature to do one thing correctly. Before me, you rightly tremble. But, fear is not what you owe me. You owe me awe.

It's nice that John Elway's son committed to the Sun Devils. Maybe that will comfort them after their hideous four-week stretch featuring Cal, Oregon, UCLA, and USC. Incidentally, does "Sun Devils" make you think of that one really aggressive land in Mario where the sun would swing down in an arc and try to kill you?

6. OKLAHOMA
DR. LECTER SAYS: Look for severe childhood disturbances associated with violence. Our Sam wasn't born a criminal, Clarice. He was made one through years of systematic abuse. Bradford hates his own identity, you see, but his pathology is a thousand times more savage and more terrifying.

7. WEST VIRGINIA
DR. LECTER SAYS: You know what you look like to me, with your good running players and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition's given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor trash, are you, Mountaineers? And that accent you've tried so desperately to shed: pure West Virginia. You know how quickly the boys found you... all those tedious sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars... while you could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere... getting all the way to the top ten.

8. VIRGINIA TECH
DR. LECTER SAYS:
BRANDEN ORE: [watching as Matt Ryan walks jauntily down the street] I do wish we could chat longer, but... I'm having an old friend for dinner. Bye.
CHRIS FOWLER: [urgently] Mr. Ore?...Mr. Ore? Mr. Ore?...

9. KANSAS
DR. LECTER SAYS: A census taker once tried to test Coach Mangino. He ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

10. SOUTH FLORIDA
Iron sulfide, also known as fool's gold. I should have known that having a ridiculous team at the top was too good to last.

MISC...

CAL
Dear Cal, I have followed with enthusiasm the course of your disgrace and public shaming. My own never bothered me, except for the inconvenience of being all but out of the SEC race. But you may lack perspective. Who can say why UCLA was able to beat them? Best thing for them, really. Their therapy was going nowhere.

KENTUCKY-FLORIDA
TONY JOINER: It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told.
DICKY LYONS JR: Mister... my family will pay cash. Whatever ransom you're askin' for, they pay it.
TONY JOINER: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. [scratching Tebow's head] Yes, it will, Precious, won't it? It will get the hose!
DICKY LYONS JR: Okay... okay... okay. Mister, if you let me go, I won't - I won't press charges I promise. See, my dad is a real important person here at Kentucky... I guess you already know that.

LOU HOLTZ
There are three major centers for transsexual surgery - Johns Hopkins, University of Minnesota, and Columbus Medical Center.

Tick tock, Clarithe.

Posted by Nastinchka at October 23, 2007 10:44 AM