Snarkastic

Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Society: NCAA Week Halloween

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her smash hit rankings. Written by Joan, illustrated by Holly.

I am proud to present the First Annual Seasonal Halloween Celebration Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 9 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of masked, staunchly pro-celibacy killers too stupid to string two words together. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include R.L. Stine, Jamie Lee Curtis, The Midnight Society, Monster Blood, Scenery With Bette Midler's Teeth Marks Still Clearly Visible On It, And Coach Horrid Living Ventriloquist Dummy That Silently Stalks You Until You Die From Terror.

1. OHIO STATE
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: Boeckman? It will destroy you too, one day, Boeckman! This rage which drives you. You think if you kill them all it will go away? It won't! You have to fight it, in the place where it's strongest! WHERE IT ALL BEGAN! If you want to get rid of this rage, Boeckman, go home, GO HOME! Go to The Big House! They shall be there waiting for you! You will find THEM, waiting for you!

If the Buckeyes were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: You Can't Scare Me!, The Tressel Walks at Midnight, or Killer's Kiss.

If the Buckeyes were an Are You Afraid Of The Dark? episode, they would be: The Tale of the Hunted.

2. LSU
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: I met Les Miles fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this football coach, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that man's eyes was purely and simply...evil. Yeah. Good luck with THAT, Nick Saban.

If the Tigers were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: The Werewolf of Fever Swamp, It Came from Beneath the Sea Level! , The Blob That Ate Everyone, Are You Terrified Yet?, or The Awakening Evil.

If the Tigers were an Are You Afraid Of The Dark? episode, they would be: The Tale of Bigfoot Ridge.

3. BOSTON COLLEGE
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: Two touchdowns in the last two minutes after 58 scoreless minutes of humiliation at Tech? A man wouldn't do that. This isn't a man. Is Matt Ryan the boogeyman? As a matter of fact...he is.

If the Eagles were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Tick, Tock, You're Dead, Deep Trouble, The Cuckoo Clock of Doom, or Sweetheart Evil Heart.

If the Eagles were an Are You Afraid Of The Dark? episode, they would be: The Tale of the Time Trap.

4. OREGON
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: The Ducks are inhumanly patient, waiting for some secret, silent alarm to trigger them. Death has come to your little town, Carroll.

If the Ducks were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Attack of the Mutant or I Am Your Evil Twin.

5. ARIZONA STATE
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: Apocalypse, End of the World, Armageddon. It always has a face and a name. This weekend, its name was Berkeley. ASU came real close a time or two. Too damn close! You can't kill damnation, Mister. It don't die like a man dies!

If the Sun Devils were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Be Afraid--Be Very Afraid.

6. OKLAHOMA
LAURIE STRODE SAYS:
DENNIS FRANCHIONE: If that wasn't Sam Bradford and Malcolm Kelly burning up in that car, a lot more people are going to be slaughtered this season.
LEE CORSO: They're dead. You saw it.
DENNIS FRANCHIONE: I saw two man in helmets!! I have to be sure.
LEE CORSO: You talk about them as if they're some kind of animals.
DENNIS FRANCHIONE: They were an obsession with me until I realized there neither reason nor understanding or anything about them that was... even remotely human. An hour ago I stood up and fired six shots into them and they just got up and walked away. I am talking about the real possibility that their BCS title hopes are STILL OUT THERE! And we face them NEXT WEEK!

7. WEST VIRGINIA
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: Steve and Pat are running amok!! Amok, amok, amok, amok, amok!!! (Oof.)

If the Mountaineers were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: The Deadly Experiments Of Dr. White.

8. MISSOURI
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: Somewhere in Missouri, a virgin lit the Black Flame candle. That is the only explanation for this.

If Mizzou were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Deep In The Jungle Of Doom.

9. KANSAS
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: Sly does it. Tiptoe catspaws. Slide and creep.
But why? What for? How? Who? When! Where did it all begin?

If the Jayhawks were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes.

10. HAWAII
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: We're not talking about any ordinary quarterback. We are talking about evil on two legs. Colt Brennan has cast a spell on you, and now you're his.

If the Warriors were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Be Careful What You Wish For or Calling All Creeps.

MISC...

FLORIDA
GAINESVILLE SHERIFF: I got a town full of beer bellies running around in the dark with shot guns! Who's gonna be next?!?

If the Gators were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Stay Out of the SEC East Basement, Welcome To Camp Nightmare, One Day at Horrorland , A Shocker on Shock Street, Go to Your Tomb - Right Now!, or How I Got My Shrunken Heisman Hopes.

If the Gators were an Are You Afraid Of The Dark? episode, they would be: The Tale of the Unexpected Visitor or The Tale of the Season Reanimator.

GEORGIA
A long, long time ago, it was a night of great power. When the days grew short, the spirits of the dead, returned to their homes to warm themselves by the fire's side. All across the land, huge bonfires were lit. Ohhh, there was a marvelous cocktail party. People danced, and they played games, and they dressed up in costumes, hoping to ward off the evil spirits. Especially the boogey man.

If the Bulldogs were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: The Barking Ghost, How To Kill A Monster, or Revenge R Us.

MARYLAND
In order to appease the gods, the Druid priests held fire rituals. Prisoners of war, criminals, the insane, animals... were... burned alive in baskets. By observing the way they died, the Druids believed they could see omens of the future. Two thousand years later, we've come no further. I experienced all these things when I found the darkness inside myself this weekend at the University of Maryland's College Park. Regardless of the fact that I wanted to slaughter the entire Clemson team and fanbase, that game was one of the Top 5 Football Experiences of my life. Maryland has an INCREDIBLE atmosphere (seats on the 45, Row 2, Maryland sideline did not hurt; nor did repeatedly getting hugged by Testudo [fear the turtle!]). Seriously: great, great time. Go Terps!! (Side note: did you know that Chris Turner, backup QB, has a head of hair that puts Frodo Baggins to shame? Chris Turner: call me!)

LOU HOLTZ
I prayed that he would burn in hell. But in my heart, I knew that hell would not have him.

If Lou Holtz were an R.L. Stine title, he would be: Secret Agent Grandma, Please Don't Feed The Vampire, or The Girl Who Cried Monster.

TENNESSEE
It's time. It's time. Time for the big giveaway. Halloween has come. All you lucky kids with Steve Spurrier visors, gather 'round your TV set, put on your masks and watch. All witches, all skeletons, all Jack-O-Lanterns, gather 'round and watch. Watch the magic pumpkin. Watch... It's Halloween, everyone's entitled to one good scare.

If the Vols were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Beast From The East or Escape From The Carnival Of Horrors.

Posted by Nastinchka at October 28, 2007 06:27 PM