Snarkastic

A Pledge Pin?!?!: NCAA Week 11

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her smash hit rankings. [Written by Joan, illustrated by Holly.]

I am proud to present the First Annual National Lampoon's Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 10 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of jokes that were funny the first time and significantly less funny the next twenty-eight times. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Harold Ramis, Guy That Is Now On Law & Order And Looks So Old And Isn't Drinking A Fifth Of Jack Or Killing A Horse, Killed Horses, Delta Tau Chi pledge members, And Coach Niedermayer.

1. OHIO STATE
BLUTO SAYS: You wanna win? Put Boeckman on it. He's a sneaky little shit, just like Troy Smith was. At least until he sneaks into the national title game and gets his ass handed to him by an SEC team...also just like Troy Smith.

2. LSU
BLUTO SAYS: This weekend in Tuscaloosa, an "LSU Pep Rally" was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here. I support them 100%. Why? Several reasons: because we don't play LSU this (regular) season and therefore can watch them with detatched interest, because Nick Saban is a douchebag, and because FUCK ALABAMA I HATE YEEEEEEEW. Geaux Tigers.

NICK SABAN: How does it feel to be my sloppy seconds, Miles?
LES MILES: How does it feel to be an asshole, Saban?

3. OREGON
BLUTO SAYS: RAMMING SPEED!

DIXON'S EVIL CONSCIENCE: Fuck them. Fuck their brains out. Pick apart their defense, run up the score. You know they want it.
DIXON'S GOOD CONSCIENCE: For shame! Dennis, I'm surprised at you!
DIXON'S EVIL CONSCIENCE:Aw, don't listen to that jack-off. Look at the holes in that defense. You'll never get a better chance.
DIXON'S GOOD CONSCIENCE: If you lay one finger on that poor sweet helpless D, you'll despise yourself forever. [Dixon makes his decision] ...I'm proud of you, Lawrence.
DIXON'S EVIL CONSCIENCE: You homo.

4. OKLAHOMA
BLUTO SAYS:
SAM BRADFORD: Mine's bigger.
KIM FRANCHIONE: [looks questioningly at him]
SAM BRADFORD: My cucumber. It's bigger. I think vegetables can be very sensuous, don't you?
KIM FRANCHIONE: No, vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous.
SAM BRADFORD: Right. Sensual. That's what I meant. My name's Sam Bradford. People call me QB1.
KIM FRANCHIONE: People call me Mrs. Franchione.
SAM BRADFORD: Oh, they had a Coach Franchione at the team I played against this weekend.
KIM FRANCHIONE: How interesting. I have a husband named Coach Franchione at the team you played against this weekend. Still want to show me your cucumber?

5. WEST VIRGINIA
BLUTO SAYS: Remain calm. All is well! Your fortuitous bye allows you to prepare for the inevitable (we all hope) ass-stomping of Louisville next week.

6. MISSOURI
BLUTO SAYS: Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules or took a few liberties with our Buffalo party guests -- we did. But you can't hold a whole team responsible for the behavior of a few sick, perverted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole NCAA system? And if the whole NCAA system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of the BCS, which allows us to be here in the first place? I put it to you... isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do what you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America! Gentlemen!

7. KANSAS
BLUTO SAYS:
CHRIS FOWLER: You're gonna hump Nebraska's brains out, aren't you?
MANGINO: Fowler, I anticipate a deeply religious experience.

Confidential to Mangino: fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

8. HAWAII
BLUTO SAYS: Hawaii doesn't deserve to be here. I'll put them on probation. But wait...they're already on probation. Well, as of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION. I am pinning all my hopes on Boise State and their married RB-cheerleader combo (I am praying they are still there; otherwise, all is lost).

9. MICHIGAN
BLUTO SAYS:
CHAD HENNE: [Giggling, pushing up sunglasses, nervously peering around at other members of Top 10] Hi!! Are you guys playing cards?

I cannot believe that after losing to Hot, Hot, Hot and getting shut out by like 190 points and going 0-2 to start the season, Michigan has clawed their way back into the Top 10. However, Virginia Tech does not convince me (and they haven't since Week 1), and Georgia sucks, so welcome back!!

10. ARIZONA STATE
BLUTO SAYS: Dad! Mom, Dad, this is Dennis Dixon. The boy who molested me last night. We have to get married.

RUDY CARPENTER: We're in trouble. I just checked with the guys at the coaching house and they said that every one of our reads of the defense were wrong.
BRENT MILLER: Every one? Those assholes must have stolen the wrong fucking playbook!

MISC...

FLORIDA
[Tebow has just rifled a pass into the end zone, and Vanderbilt's defense has abruptly dropped dead]
MEYER: Holy shit!
HARVIN: [gesturing at Tebow's arm] There were blanks in that gun!
TEBOW: I didn't even point the gun at him!
MEYER: Holy shit!
TEBOW: Maybe he had a heart attack.
MEYER: Holy shit!

GEORGIA
Mark Richt is a P-I-G Pig.

LOU HOLTZ
MARK MAY: Holtz, I am appointing you pledge representative to the College GameDay social committee.
LOU HOLTZ: Gee Mark, thanks. What do I have to do?
MARK MAY: It means you have to drive us to the Food King.

NOTRE DAME
WEIS: Now. I want you to fix our team up with a very special opponent. Now, she should be decent looking, but we're willing to trade looks for a certain kind of morally casual attitude, especially when it comes to making tackles.
AD: Oh! You mean, you want someone they can screw and regain optimism about their season!
WEIS: Well put.

NEBRASKA
Thank you, sir!! May I have another?

BOBBY BOWDEN
The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.

TENNESSEE
FULMER: Well, well, well. Looks like somebody forgot there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation!
COKER: What a tool.
FULMER: I didn't get that, son, what was that?
COKER: Uh, I said, "What a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules."

ALABAMA
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

BOSTON COLLEGE
MENACING POLLSTER: If I was in your shoes, I'd be...
MATT RYAN: Leaving! What a good idea.

You fucked up, Boston College bandwagoneers. You trusted them.

TIM TEBOW
JOINER: I think I'm in love with a retard.
TEBOW: Is he bigger than me?

WISCONSIN
BIELEMA: Don't write this down, but I find preparing for games probably as boring as you do. It's a little bit long-winded, it doesn't translate very well into our generation, and the jokes are terrible.
[The team rises to leave]
BIELEMA: (frantically) But that doesn't relieve you of your responsibility for this material. Now I'm waiting for big plays from some of you... Listen, I'm not joking. This is my job!

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE
MIKE SLIVE: Son, what is the worst team in this conference?
COACH: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.
MIKE SLIVE: Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with errant passes. Every spring, the toilets explode.
COACH: You're talking about Mississippi State, sir.
MIKE SLIVE: Of course I'm talking about Mississippi State, you TWERP!

JOHN PARKER WILSON
Christ. Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.

TEXAS
JAMAAL CHARLES: War's over, man. Oklahoma State dropped the big one.
COLT MCCOY: What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
JAMAAL CHARLES: Germans?
MACK BROWN: Forget it, he's rolling.
COLT MCCOY: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the going gets tough . . . the tough get going. Who's with me? Let's Go! Come on! AAAAEEEEEGGGHHHH!! What the fuck happened to the Texas I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Colt, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Robinson, he's a dead man! Bowman, dead! Niedermeyer...
JAMAAL CHARLES: Dead! Colt's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons. But that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.
COLT MCCOY: LET'S DO IT!

NAVY
Toga!! Toga!! Toga!!

Posted by Nastinchka at November 4, 2007 09:13 AM