Snarkastic

Laff Riot 52: Roo The Beloved Country

10:29:12 PM Livia: i finally managed to track down my grandfather's side of the family tree
10:29:32 PM Nastinchka: oh, dear.
10:29:40 PM Livia: and guess what? once you get back through all the secretaries of war and virginian governors, you find jamestown, JOHN ROLFE, AND POCAHONTAS.
10:29:57 PM Nastinchka: NO
10:30:04 PM Livia: this has NEVER been mentioned in our family. either they don't know, or they have decided it's best to sweep this all under the rug.
10:30:18 PM Nastinchka: It's a Smallpox Blanket Christmas, Charlie Brown.
10:30:29 PM Livia: i am so writing a book on this
10:30:52 PM Livia: of course, my grandmother will have me assassinated before i can finish and publish it, but you will have the key to the safety deposit box, so it will all work out.
10:31:09 PM Nastinchka: [chest thump]
10:31:26 PM Livia: (powhatan style)
10:35:08 PM Livia: if you would stop being so selfish and start researching your damn family tree, we would probably find that we are both descended from anne boleyn, which would explain a lot.
10:35:26 PM Nastinchka: I'm only back as far as 1460something, and I'm still in County Antrim.
10:36:01 PM Livia: it's only a matter of time before we discover a common ancestor. probably with the name borgia.
10:36:14 PM Nastinchka: Double true.
10:42:06 PM Livia: if i can find a blood link to margaret mitchell, do you think i could stop the publication of rhett butler's people?
10:42:17 PM Nastinchka: Moral imperative.

Nastinchka: I'm pretty drunk.
Jeebsy: I've been drinking for twelve hours.
Nastinchka: You started drinking at SEVEN IN THE MORNING?
Jeebsy: Baby, I'm real good at poker.

Best and brightest.
9:46:11 PM Nastinchka: What time is it there? 6?
9:46:15 PM Nastinchka: no.
9:46:17 PM Nastinchka: 12?
9:46:23 PM 'Bus: 12:24
9:46:25 PM 'Bus: 45
9:46:27 PM 'Bus: FUCK
9:46:32 PM Nastinchka: [pet]
9:48:01 PM 'Bus: Hm.
9:48:09 PM 'Bus: So you guys change the clock next week?
9:48:15 PM Nastinchka: I....have no idea.
9:48:23 PM 'Bus: Ok, but it hasn't happened yet, yes?
9:48:27 PM Nastinchka: nope
9:48:28 PM 'Bus: And you fall back.
9:48:30 PM Nastinchka: They moved it
9:48:38 PM Nastinchka: and I'm damned if I can remember.
9:48:39 PM 'Bus: And now you're 12 hours behind. So you'll be 13 behind?
9:48:47 PM Nastinchka: no
9:48:48 PM Nastinchka: 11
9:48:51 PM Nastinchka: wait
9:48:53 PM Nastinchka: yes
9:48:54 PM Nastinchka: fuck.
9:49:26 PM 'Bus: And that'll be last week Thursday, 13 hours back, except when the moon occludes the International Dateline, then it's 12 hours ahead.
9:50:03 PM 'Bus: Occlude isn't the right word, either
9:50:07 PM 'Bus: I'm so fucked.
9:51:08 PM Nastinchka: I.....I need to lie down.
9:51:12 PM 'Bus: I can't even come up with the right word now. I should just fill the brochure with pretty pictures.
9:51:21 PM Nastinchka: you know my suggestion
9:51:24 PM Nastinchka: Hand turkey!
9:51:41 PM 'Bus: Here at UNIDO China, we believe in turkeys.

3:33:12 PM Livia: i guess this is a bad time to mention that M____ wants to go to a costume party dressed as Hunter S. Thompson
3:33:26 PM Livia: (but he laughed when I asked if he meant in an urn)
3:33:28 PM Nastinchka: While you will be what, a bat?
3:34:04 PM Livia: so i guess it all balances out.

8:53:59 AM Janie: So, I'm watching this thing called "The Jim Leavitt Show" (he's the coach at South Florida) and the linebackers are introducing themselves by saying their names and hometowns - so you know it's already comedy - and the last guy was clearly READING HIS OWN NAME OFF A CUE CARD.
8:54:21 AM Nastinchka: WFV's governor is introducing the teams
8:54:29 AM Nastinchka: and he looks like Richard Kind's bastard hobbit uncle.
8:54:31 AM Janie: They're like big dumb walruses.
9:02:03 AM Janie: Craig James' lil' mouth is like a coin slot. I want to feed him quarters.
9:09:52 AM Nastinchka: I have this fantasy that Calais Campbell is secretly Luther's lovechild and that's why he's back this year.
9:10:59 AM Janie: Luther and Lisa Lobo.

10:33:36 AM Nastinchka: JOEL OSTEEN HAS A NEW BOOK.
10:33:48 AM Livia: wha wha WHAT?
10:34:09 AM Nastinchka: and he clearly hasn't been reading our letters, because it's not titled "Your Best Wife Now".

6:45:43 PM Nastinchka: I watched that game on Yahoo. The video quality's pretty amazing
6:45:49 PM Nastinchka: and I got to hear the Daves!
6:45:55 PM Swindle: Dave. And Dave.
6:45:58 PM Swindle: And his friend Dave.
6:46:05 PM Swindle: Their penises? Not called Dave.
6:46:14 PM Nastinchka: I can't tell you how much I miss hearing things like, when up 35-7, "What makes the SEC great is the competition."
6:46:16 PM Swindle: Dave Archer calls his "Tamurlane"
6:46:55 PM Nastinchka: No. His is the Conqueror Worm.
6:47:27 PM Swindle: "Devil's Tower"
6:47:33 PM Swindle: Because UFOs land on it.
6:47:45 PM Swindle: Unusually Fine Objects.
6:47:52 PM Nastinchka: ba-zow
6:48:06 PM Swindle: Don't blame me. Blame Dave.
6:48:10 PM Swindle: One of 'em.

3:29:34 PM Nastinchka: so the Navy cheerleaders are doing this...thing
3:29:41 PM Nastinchka: where they sit on their partners' shouulders
3:29:44 PM Nastinchka: and...gyrate
3:29:53 PM Nastinchka: like, thrusting against the back of the boys' heads.
3:30:05 PM Nastinchka: Please make a support our troops joke. I just can't.
3:35:27 PM Livia: south bend is so about to get torpedoed.
3:35:36 PM Nastinchka: Man the
3:35:38 PM Nastinchka: I WAS SAYING THAT
3:37:12 PM Livia: if i were weis, i would put harrison smith in rightnow.
3:37:38 PM Nastinchka: If you were Weis, ND would be in the top 10 and sporting fetching sparkly helmets

1:37:01 PM Nastinchka: SOMETHING HAPPENED
1:37:06 PM Nastinchka: MY INTERNET RADIO STATION
1:37:12 PM Nastinchka: JUST SWITCHED TO THE MICHIGAN GAME
1:37:13 PM PB: ??
1:37:16 PM PB: Uh oh
1:37:28 PM Nastinchka: IT'S POSSESSED
1:37:40 PM Nastinchka: WHAT THE FUCKING FUFCK
1:37:51 PM Nastinchka: I
1:37:52 PM Nastinchka: HATE
1:37:53 PM Nastinchka: MICHIGAN
1:38:05 PM Nastinchka: Sing along if you know the words: CHARLES WOODSON IS SOMEHOW RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS

3:34:28 PM Livia: i refuse to go to the english dept's party because it means dressing up as an author
3:34:36 PM Livia: and my stephen king mask is at the drycleaners
3:34:41 PM Nastinchka: Go as Fran!
3:34:52 PM Nastinchka: pink suit, pillbox
3:35:05 PM Livia: Dear Student: You have been expelled from the graduate English program.
3:35:09 PM Livia: You know why.
3:35:11 PM Nastinchka: JENNA (she's a author now, y'all!) BUSH
3:35:17 PM Livia: DO YOU WANT ME TO GET SHOT
3:35:24 PM Nastinchka: .....
3:35:29 PM Livia: People go to this dressed as, like, NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE.
3:35:35 PM Nastinchka: hissss
3:36:00 PM Livia: A couple years ago someone went as Dr. Suess and was promptly and scathingly demeaned
3:36:03 PM Livia: and probably fired.

8:35:43 AM Janie: Someone needs to be bringing you breakfast.
8:35:53 AM Nastinchka: I agree.
8:36:06 AM Nastinchka: I managed to wiggle down to the foot of my bed so I can see the TV.
8:36:24 AM Janie: You're truly intrepid.
8:36:30 AM Nastinchka: I'm a soljah!
8:36:52 AM Janie: You are rooting for Miami today.
8:37:01 AM Janie: Soldiering is on your list of things to do!

2:06:20 PM Nastinchka: What are our announcers drinking? Tractor starter fluid? Further iterations of "Desorneaux" pronunciation before this game is over. Go.
2:06:26 PM Nastinchka: (For the record, we're up to "Dezimow".)
2:06:33 PM Nastinchka: DiGiorno
2:06:44 PM Livia: desilu
2:06:48 PM Nastinchka: des'ree
2:07:00 PM Livia: destination station
2:07:04 PM Nastinchka: decoupage
2:07:13 PM Livia: bedezzler
2:07:24 PM Nastinchka: Perrilloux
2:07:39 PM Livia: Kokomo
2:08:48 PM Nastinchka: Daylight come and me wan' go homeneaux

'Bus: Also, Addai? A monster. That guy TELEPORTED a couple of times, I know that's gotta be against some rule. "Illegal formation, number 29, offense. The player temporarily occupied a parallel universe before shifting back into play in a new location."

4:53:42 PM Nastinchka: Clooney's gonna die a great american director, not actor. write it down.
4:53:57 PM PB: Like Eastwood
4:54:05 PM Nastinchka: Only good at directing.
4:54:44 PM Nastinchka: and with fewer completely undeserved oscars.

8:48:06 PM Livia: shmuuuu
8:48:18 PM Nastinchka: I JUST TYPED THE WORD YORKSHIRE AND YOU APPEARED.
8:48:52 PM Nastinchka: If I say it three times into the bathroom mirror will you pop out?
8:49:21 PM Livia: yes, and also, bees will come out of my mouth
8:49:33 PM Nastinchka: Not seeing the problem here.

2:00:52 PM Nastinchka: Arian Foster (the guy I said was our Kyle Jackson last week) continues to baffle.
2:01:09 PM Nastinchka: He's a power back, and he's insisting on doing these stupid dance moves that are costing us yards
2:01:19 PM Nastinchka: and then proceeds to score a touchtown, effortlesly
2:01:28 PM Nastinchka: 17-0
2:01:31 PM PB: Good!
2:01:34 PM Nastinchka: It's worse! Because you don't KNOW
2:01:42 PM Nastinchka: because you get excited and then he breaks your heart
2:01:52 PM Nastinchka: and then you cuss him and he scores
all your points and you feel like an asshole
2:02:03 PM Nastinchka: it's maddening.
2:02:18 PM PB: Hey, Jamaal Charles broke 290 yards out last week after we spent five days asking if he was needing a move to WR
2:02:34 PM Nastinchka: You know what?
2:02:42 PM Nastinchka: It's like they can all hear us
2:02:49 PM PB: I know
2:03:06 PM Nastinchka: EDSBS makes fun of Brandon Cox for a month, Gators lose to Auburn
2:03:52 PM Nastinchka: (but that one was because Cox is undead, not because he reads blogs).

1:43:55 PM Livia: still need a good literary themed costume for that dept. hally party tomorrow night
1:44:07 PM Livia: and it needs to not be film-related.
1:44:23 PM Livia: also, it needs to be something that showcases my rack
1:44:56 PM Livia: and no, i will not consider going as jane austen in an empire-waist gown. that's the easy way out.
1:47:45 PM Livia: i considered wearing a slutty bee costume and carrying around a little velour bunny rabbit and going as bee-a-trix potter, but i don't want to be identified with renee zellwegger.
2:13:53 PM Nastinchka: hmmm.
2:14:36 PM Livia: it's too bad White Goodman isn't a literary character.
2:15:10 PM Nastinchka: THAT FILM IS ART.
2:15:29 PM Livia: no argument here.
2:15:26 PM Nastinchka: Dress as brer Rabbit.
2:15:32 PM Livia: NO.
2:15:37 PM Nastinchka: selfish.
2:15:48 PM Livia: oh, right. i'm the selfish one.
2:16:01 PM Nastinchka: get all dolled up french revolution steezy
2:16:05 PM Nastinchka: and go as baroness orczy
2:16:31 PM Livia: i was thinking about hiring a thirteen year old girl to hang on my arm all night and going as edgar allan poe
2:16:47 PM Livia: literary burn!!
2:18:34 PM Nastinchka: jump in the pool
2:18:37 PM Nastinchka: roll in a dust bath
2:18:52 PM Nastinchka: carry turtle.
2:18:40 PM Nastinchka: and go as steinbeck.
2:19:25 PM Livia: what if i showed up naked and reeking of bourbon, hair mussed wildly, swearing about disloyalty? i could be william faulkner!

Previously on WHY IS PAM WARD ON TELEVISION...
11:11:05 AM Nastinchka: OH MY GOD.
11:11:07 AM Nastinchka: PAM WARD.
11:11:23 AM Nastinchka: VIRGINIA TECH DID NOT STRUGGLE WITH EAST CAROLINA BECAUSE THEY WERE DEALING WITH RESIDUAL EMOTION FROM THE SHOOTINGS.
11:11:51 AM PB: Wow. Wowwowwow
11:12:09 AM Nastinchka: DID YOU KNOW THAT MARSHALL ALSO HAD A TRAGEDY?
11:12:14 AM Nastinchka: BECAUSE THEY HAD ONE
11:12:29 AM Nastinchka: LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.
11:14:11 AM Nastinchka: Thank you, WFV, for scoring
11:14:16 AM Nastinchka: so Pam Ward has to talk about football.

7:00:10 PM Swindle: Great moment with Pam Ward today
7:00:28 PM Swindle: "He's out for this game due to some criminal charge trouble"
7:00:39 PM Swindle: "I'm sorry...with a hamstring."
7:00:50 PM Nastinchka: WHAT?
7:01:09 PM Swindle: It was side-splittingly good.
7:01:25 PM Swindle: "He's gone from the lineup due to some sexual assault charges"
7:01:32 PM Swindle: "I mean, a bum ankle."
7:01:40 PM Swindle: "We regret the error."
7:01:41 PM Nastinchka:

7:02:37 PM Swindle: She hits that gay HARD.
7:02:47 PM Nastinchka: At least she owns it?

8:50:51 PM Livia: um
8:50:56 PM Livia: I DONT KNOW HOW I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THIS
8:51:04 PM Livia: but you need to fly back to knoxville by 730 tomorrow night
8:51:07 PM Livia: and drive to webb
8:51:15 PM Livia: where we will be seeing 1776.
8:51:16 PM Livia: AGAIN.
8:51:24 PM Nastinchka: HE PLAAAYS THE VIIIIIOLIIIIN
8:51:32 PM Livia: SIT DOWWWWWWWWWWWWN, JOHN
8:51:42 PM Livia: and jay is REFUSING to go with me
9:12:56 PM Livia: i hate him.
9:13:02 PM Livia: actually, maybe its for the best that he can't go.
9:13:30 PM Nastinchka: He'll try to join the cast.
9:13:33 PM Nastinchka: By force.
9:13:53 PM Livia: i won't stop him.
9:14:04 PM Livia: i won't be able to, since i'll already be in the martha jefferson costume.
8:51:52 PM Livia: so now i have no recourse but to ask M____!
8:52:18 PM Livia: talk about baptism by fire
8:52:35 PM Nastinchka: I....oh, Joan
8:52:38 PM Nastinchka: Too soon
8:52:43 PM Livia: I KNOW
8:52:50 PM Livia: I KNOW.
8:52:54 PM Livia: but what else can I do!?!?
8:52:59 PM Nastinchka: Take Peck!
8:53:03 PM Livia: I can't not see 1776, and I can't go alone.
8:53:07 PM Livia: And Sean is not that stupid.
8:53:42 PM Livia: this is jay's burden, dammit, and he is shirking.
8:58:02 PM Livia: help maaaaaaaay
8:58:17 PM Nastinchka: Take a shmooling.
8:58:57 PM Livia: I have to take someone who will understand. That leaves you, Jay, and...that's it.
8:59:14 PM Livia: Well, Ana, Drew, and Geneva would understand too, but....yeah.
9:04:33 PM Livia: SOLVE MY CRISIS.
9:07:00 PM Nastinchka: [juggles]
9:07:59 PM Livia: jay is being so selfish. he tried to pull the "i'm only going if M____ goes" card. apparently he doesn't understand that if i was willing to bring M____, i wouldn't require him.
9:09:22 PM Nastinchka: I'm only going if M____ GOES?
9:09:33 PM Nastinchka: You're gonna expose him to Jay AND WEBB at once?
9:09:38 PM Nastinchka: DO YOU WANT TO DIE ALONE
9:09:41 PM Livia: NO
9:09:42 PM Livia: OF COURSE NOT
9:09:51 PM Livia: THAT WOULD BE EXTRAORDINARILY DANGEROUS
9:10:09 PM Nastinchka: ...for y ou to die alone? Sounds safest.

Posted by Nastinchka at November 6, 2007 11:44 AM