Snarkastic

One Ring To Rule Them All: NCAA Week 12

Wrote it: JMW
Imaged it: HRA

I am proud to present the First Annual Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 11 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of pity staying people's hands. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Gwaihir, Rosie Cotton, Liv Tyler's Magically Fluctuating "British" "Accent", Spider Orcs That Crawl Down From Ceilings, The Frodo Baggins Action Figures I Get On Every Birthday and Love So Deeply, Ian McKellan's Stolen Oscar That He Should Sue Over, And Coach Stuart Townsend, Guy Who Played Lestat In Crappy Modern Vampire Sequel And Was Cast As Aragorn Before Mercifully Being Fired After A Week.

The road to the BCS title game goes on and on
Down from the Big House where it began
Now far away the road has gone
And all must follow, if they can
Pursuing it with eager feet
Until it joins on Bourbon Street
Where many backs and safeties meet
And whither then? I cannot say.

The world is changed. I can feel it in the earth. I can feel it in the water. I can smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the Bowl Championship System. One bowl was given to New Orleans; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. One to the Orange Lords, great farmers and craftsmen of the coastal plains. One to Tempe, because everyone likes Tempe. And one, one bowl was gifted to the race of Californians, who above all else desire power.

For within these bowls was bound the strength and the will to govern over each conference. But they were all of them deceived, for a new bowl was made. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sagarin forged in secret, a master bowl, to control all others. And into this bowl he poured all his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One bowl to rule them all. One by one, the free peoples of the NCAA fell to the power of the Bowl. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Buffs, Illini, and Terrapins marched against the armies of Mordor, and on the very slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth. Victory was near, but the power of the BCS could not be undone. It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that the fans, the true supporters of college football, took up their fathers' sword. And Sagarin, enemy of the free peoples of a playoff system, was defeated. The Bowl passed to the fans, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever, but the hearts of men are easily corrupted, especially the hearts of greedy university presidents. And the bowl of power has a will of its own. It betrayed the fans, to their death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. And for two and a half thousand years, the bowl system passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, the bowl ensnared another bearer. The bowl came to the Division III creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels under the Appalachian Mountains, and there it consumed him. The ring gave to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind; and in the gloom of Gollum's locker room, it waited. Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Bowl of Power perceived. Its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum. But then something happened that the Bowl did not intend. It featured the most unlikely creature imaginable. A hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire. For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all...

1. LSU
FRODO SAYS:
MATT FLYNN: Get back, Dennis! I'm going to the Superdome alone!
DENNIS DIXON: Of course you are. And I'm comin' with you!

His treachery runs deeper than you know. By foul craft, Les Miles has crossed Orcs with goblin men. He's breeding an army in the caverns of Death Valley. An army that can move in sunlight and cover great distance at speed. Miles is coming for the Championship Ring. Against the power of Baton Rouge there can be no victory. Actually, I'm not sure I believe that quite as wholeheartedly anymore. I know the Tigers think they're a team of destiny, and maybe they are, but at some point you have to question a team that waits until the last possible minute to put away opponents who by all indicators seem inferior. That being said, I still think they get the edge over the Ducks.

2. OREGON
FRODO SAYS: It's a pity they didn't kill Arizona State when they had the chance...but it was pity that stayed Oregon's hand. Many that live (Georgia, Florida) deserve death. Some that die (Maryland, Colorado) deserve life. Can you give it to them, pollsters? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Arizona State has some part to play yet, for good or ill before this is over. The pity of Oregon may rule the fate of many.

3. OKLAHOMA
FRODO SAYS: Are you frightened? Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than Buffs in the deep places of the world. Oklahoma State played their asses off against Kansas, and barely lost to Texas. Don't get carried away.

4. KANSAS
FRODO SAYS: There's an eye-opener, and no mistake.

MANGINO: This is it.
TALIB: This is what?
MANGINO: If I win one more game, it'll be the farthest away from reality I've ever been.
TALIB: Come on, Coach. Remember what Reesing used to say: "It's a dangerous business, Aqib, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."

5. MISSOURI
FRODO SAYS: Missouri players, I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. You won convincingly today, though, and you appear to deserve this spot. If you want them, Jayhawks, come and claim them! That final game looks like it's going to be a beast.

6. WEST VIRGINIA
FRODO SAYS: They have a cave troll. His name is Steve Slaton, and he allows them to win even when Pat White does his absolute best to lose at home. UConn is reeling, and might lash out next week.

7. HAWAII
FRODO SAYS: You cannot hide. I see you. There is no life in the void. Only death. Rainbow Warriors? Rainbow Warriors are weak. I hope to be there the day the strength of Rainbow Warriors fails. That should be next Saturday.

8. ARIZONA STATE
FRODO SAYS: You're still a one-loss team, and a better team than anyone had any right to expect. May that be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out. Like when you host USC.

9. OHIO STATE
FRODO SAYS: What's this? A Buckeye, caught off his guard? I don't know how long they tortured Tressel, but through the endless screams and inane babble, they discerned two words: Juice Williams.

10. VIRGINIA TECH
FRODO SAYS: You did not seriously think a Bowden could contend with the will of Beamer. There are none that can.

MISC...

GAMEDAY AMHERST-WILLIAMS
I suppose you think that was terribly clever. ESPN President, your love of the halfings' leaf has clearly slowed your mind.

HEISMAN BALLOTING
It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing.

STEVE SPURRIER
I'm an old ball coach. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to.

RON ZOOK
LINEMAN: The Buckeyes are strong, my lord. Their roots go deep.
ZOOK: [coldly] Rip them all down.

What is this new devilry? A Balzook. A demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you Buckeyes. Run!

CHRIS TURNER
I think there's more to this hobbit than meets the eye.

ERIN ANDREWS
PAT WHITE: They say that a great sorceress lives on this sideline. An Elf witch of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her spell... and are never seen again. Well, here's one Mountaineer she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox.
ERIN ANDREWS: [appearing suddenly, extremely smug] The dwarf breathes so loud, we could have shot him in the dark. [Startled, White fumbles again.]

COACH CALLAHAN
GANZ: Before you came along, we Cornhuskers were very well thought of.
CALLAHAN: Indeed?
GANZ: Never had the score run up on us or had any unexpected losses.
CALLAHAN: If you're referring to the incident with the Jayhawk, I was barely involved. All I did was give their offense a little nudge out of the door.
GANZ: Whatever you did, you've been officially labeled a disturber of the peace.

ANDRE WOODSON
Here's a pretty thing: Woodson. As light as a feather, and as hard as dragon-scales.

LOU HOLTZ
STUART SCOTT: Do you remember when we first met?
LOU HOLTZ: I thought I had wandered into a dream.
SCOTT: Long years have passed. You did not have the cares you carry now. Do you remember what I told you?
HOLTZ: You said you'd bind yourself to me, forsaking the immortal life of your people.
SCOTT: And to that I hold. I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the SportsCenters of this world alone.
[hands him his horn-rimmed spectacles]
SCOTT: I choose a mortal life.
HOLTZ: You cannot give me this.
SCOTT: It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my heart.

AUBURN
BRANDON COX: Let them come. There is one Tiger yet in Athens who still draws breath!

MARYLAND
My dear Testudo. Terrapins really are amazing creatures. You can learn all there is to know about their offense in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you.

DEFENDER: (Screaming, pointing at Matt Ryan) You cannot pass! I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Charm City. The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Boston! Go back to the shadow. You! Shall not! Pass!

BOSTON COLLEGE
The Terps have taken midfield and the red zone. We have stacked the line but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes, drums... drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow lurks in the dark. We cannot get out... they are coming.

ALABAMA
JOHN PARKER WILSON: (Immediately before throwing pick-6) If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I note they're not, I'd say we were taking the long way around.

WISCONSIN
Hunt them down. Do not stop until they are found. You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste wolf-flesh.

CLEMSON
LINDA BOWDEN: Why do you fear the past? You are Bobby's heir, not Bobby himself. You are not bound to his fate.
TOMMY BOWDEN: (Looking at the looming ACC championship game with trepidation)The same blood flows in my veins. The same weakness.
LINDA: Your time will come. You will face the same evil, and you will defeat it.
TOMMY: My father is a noble man, but his rule is failing, and our people lose faith. He looks to me to make things right and I would do it. I would see the glory of the ACC restored. Have you ever seen it, honey? The Championship trophy, glimmering like a spike of pearl and silver, its banners caught high in the morning breeze. Have you ever been called home by the clear ringing of silver trumpets through the PA system?

GEORGIA
Richt has returned. His Orcs have multiplied. His fortress between the hedges is rebuilt in the land of Mordor.

Richt needs only a Tennessee loss to cover all the lands with a second darkness. He is seeking it, seeking it, all his thought is bent on it. Frodo, he must never find it. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me that Georgia can be No. 10 in the country, win out, and still be shut out of the SEC title game and a BCS bowl, all because of the whompstomping that they took at Neyland. I will be dead before I see the Sugar Bowl in the hands of a Bulldog! Never trust a Bulldog! HA-ha!

MICHIGAN
Wisconsin... You fear to go into that hovel. The Badgers delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Camp Randall Stadium... shadow and an effective passing game.

ARKANSAS
MCFADDEN: Are we gonna lose?
DICK: No.
MCFADDEN: [quietly] I think we are.
DICK: (impatiently) Shh. Houston's thinkin'. [slight pause]
MCFADDEN: Casey?
DICK: (hissing) What?
MCFADDEN: I'm hungry.

Soon, Master Razorback, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Tigers. Roaring fires, malt beer, red meat off the bone, dessicated dwarf corpses everywhere..

TEXAS
The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the quarterback is true. Texas' win tonight and a little luck might be enough to get them a BCS at-large bid. Who knew?

FLORIDA
Concealed within his fortress, the lord of Gainesville sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak; a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame, with a circus freak of a quarterback and a barely competent defense.

What do they eat when they can't get Gamecock? (Heh.)

MISSISSIPPI STATE
CROOM: Do you know how our program first came into being? You were elves once, taken by the dark powers, tortured and mutilated. A ruined and terrible form of life. Now... perfected. My fighting Bulldog-Hai. Whom do you serve?
ANTHONY JOHNSON: [growling, drooling] SYLVESTER.

USC
They gave Cal the chance of aiding their Rose Bowl campaign willingly, but the Bears have elected the way of pain.

CAL
JOHN DAVID BOOTY: I do not know what strength is in my throwing arm, but I swear to you I will not let the West Coast fall, nor our people fail.
NATE LONGSHORE: [smiling weakly, growing cold] Our people...our people.
BOOTY: Be at peace, Son of Berkeley.

COLORADO:
[A mournful dirge echoes across the plain]
JOAN: A lament for Ralphie...
HOLLY: What do they say about him?
JOAN: I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near.

SOUTH CAROLINA
This is no home game. It's a tomb.

TENNESSEE
One does not simply walk into Neyland. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Pumpkin is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do win there. It is folly. Erik has gotten so good! Well, of course he has, he's an Ainge, not some blockheaded Clausen from California.

JOHN CHAVIS: They are one; the win and the Dark Lord McFadden. Berry, he must never find it.
ERIC BERRY: All right. We'll put him away. We'll keep him covered. No one knows our defense is good now, do they?
[Chavis doesn't answer]
ERIC BERRY: DO they, Chavis?

Let's hunt some Orc.

Posted by Nastinchka at November 13, 2007 12:02 AM