Snarkastic

Laff Riot 53: To Coin The Norman Phrase

2:17:21 PM Livia: Freedom isn't free. (I'm from the U, baby!! The U!!!!"
2:17:33 PM Nastinchka: Last Orange Bowl game today!
2:18:04 PM Livia: I can promise you Shockey is there
2:18:11 PM Livia: He has probably chained hiimself to the stadium
2:19:16 PM Nastinchka: Will you stand with him?
2:19:50 PM Livia: Just telllllllllll me what we're fiiiighting for
2:20:08 PM Livia: I want Jeremy to know that it's true, that everything I do, I do it for you.
2:24:46 PM Livia: If I could choose just one person to watch Lord of the Rings for 11 hours with, it would be you. If I could choose two, it would be you and Sean. If I could choose three, it would be you, Sean, and Jeremy Shockey. I imagine him in full Rohan garb, screaming along with Theoden and re-enacting the Battle of Helm's Deep with marshmallows and gummi bears and real human blood.

1:25:26 PM Livia: Gameday is going to WILLIAMS-AMHERST?!?!?! Yeah, I understand how that's a much stronger choice than Auburn-Georgia, Spurrier-Florida, Ohio State-Illinois, USC-Cal, or even Kansas-OK State. Why not just call it a day and go to one of Corso's shuffleboard tournaments?
1:29:15 PM Livia: It's AUBURN GEORGIA. How do they not go to that?
1:29:41 PM Livia: Georgia is (overrated) at No. 10. Auburn beat Florida IN THE SWAMP.
1:30:52 PM Livia: Brandon Cox is fucking Lestat and Knowshon Moreno is sewn together from parts of Champ Bailey and one of the popes.
1:31:28 PM Livia: Also, can you remind me how the Tennessee-Georgia game turned out? Because everyone else seems to have forgotten.
1:31:39 PM Nastinchka: hissssssssss
1:32:37 PM Livia: I want to drive to Gameday this weekend with a sign that just says "Wait...where the fuck am I?"
1:33:14 PM Nastinchka: "960 Miles To Athens!"
1:33:51 PM Livia: "Misappropriation Of My Tax Dollars?
1:34:38 PM Nastinchka: "Is This a Sports Show?"
1:34:51 PM Livia: "Is This Gonna Be A Dry Party"?
1:35:17 PM Livia: "I Failed Out Of Wesleyan And All I Got Was This Sponsored Appearance By Kirk Herbstreit"
1:37:55 PM Nastinchka: "Cry, the Beloved Squib Kick."
1:39:57 PM Livia: i want to cry just thinking about this weekend.
1:42:04 PM Nastinchka: DID YOU SEE THAT ARTICLE
1:42:22 PM Nastinchka: where their AD was like, "We have an awesome fanbase; I've never seen less than 10,000 here, even in the rain!"
1:42:32 PM Nastinchka: Now, I'm not generally irritated by pluck.
1:42:33 PM Nastinchka: BUT.
1:44:01 PM Livia: Seriously.
1:45:02 PM Livia: I thought it was a joke.
1:45:16 PM Nastinchka: It does smack uncomfortably of satire.

4:11:02 PM Barstoolio: _____ HAS LEFT TO TRICK OR TREAT SOMEWHERE IN [state redacted] HE IS WEARING A MULLET I AM DYING
4:11:07 PM Barstoolio: (that is all)
4:11:33 PM Nastinchka: I KNOW!
4:11:50 PM Nastinchka: ....why did we not plan a guerilla trip to [state redacted]!
4:11:55 PM Nastinchka: To take pictures ourselves!
4:12:00 PM Nastinchka: WE KNOW WHERE HE LIVES.
4:12:06 PM Nastinchka: [crazy eyes]
4:12:11 PM Barstoolio: If I'd known he was going TODAY I would have sported his photoshopped billy ray face on my gmail.
4:12:19 PM Barstoolio: We are WORTHLESS!

5:39:35 PM Livia: Um...I understand (better than most) how fun it can be to have fun football metaphors. But when the GameDay final crew writes the following, I think that's a bit much. "The Columbus Dispatch began an eight-part series Sunday titled, "Born Too Soon," about Ohio State's BCS championship hopes. Oh, wait a minute. The series is about the struggle facing a baby born three months early. But it could have been about the Buckeyes, too. In a matter of weeks, the expectations of Ohio State fans went from zero to (No.) 1.
5:40:16 PM Livia: Because nothing is more hilarious than premature birth.
5:40:19 PM Nastinchka: Premature clown birth.

9:34:10 AM Nastinchka: Dave Rowe says that (apparently he was in bad health over the summer?) he got a ton of get well cards from SEC fans over the summer
9:34:15 AM Nastinchka: I would LOVE to read those.
9:34:42 AM Nastinchka: THen he compared McFadden to OJ Simpson. To which Dave 1 replies.."The GOOD OJ!"
9:35:02 AM Nastinchka: The broadcast has been going for 4 minutes and I'm already in tears of mirth.
9:35:41 AM Swindle: It's still jefferson pilot to me
9:35:49 AM Nastinchka: Always.

2:59:31 PM Livia: they just showed jeremy shockey standing next to a shaken-up Cowboy, then looking disappointed when he managed to get up.
2:59:47 PM Nastinchka: [swoon]
3:00:07 PM Livia: I know.
3:00:37 PM Livia: I wish he could be a Viking. It just seems like a really good fit.
3:01:39 PM Nastinchka: He could pillage me.
3:01:43 PM Nastinchka: For practice.
3:01:53 PM Nastinchka: ...or did you mean the football team?

8:43:05 PM Momma: Who's that talking?
8:43:05 PM Nastinchka: Shawne Merriman.
8:43:05 PM Momma: Mercy. That man's head is bigger than Shrek's.

5:37:07 PM Livia: Addai will pick Peyton up and run him into the end zone. It'll all work out.
5:36:54 PM Nastinchka: CHICKEN DANCE
5:36:55 PM Nastinchka: WHAT
5:36:58 PM Nastinchka: WHAT IS HAPPENING
5:37:23 PM Nastinchka: I'm sorry, but there is nothing on this earth that can prepare me emotionally for the chicken dance followed by This Is our Country
5:37:15 PM Livia: Oh, good. I was wondering whose country this was.
5:37:33 PM Nastinchka: Yes, but this begs the question: Who is this "Us"
5:37:55 PM Livia: Well, it's Mellencamp, so I'm gonna guess the Talentless White Guys?

5:30:56 PM JHC: FYI, I will alert you when Pooh has to hit. It should be an adventure.
5:31:15 PM Nastinchka: oh, dear.
5:31:19 PM Nastinchka: I completely forgot that
5:31:22 PM JHC: You mean
5:31:25 PM JHC: oh bother.

9:31:14 PM Nastinchka: How is Lou Holtz up this late?
9:31:28 PM Nastinchka: Do you think they keep him in a specially regulated terrarium, so he thinks it's 10 AM?

5:26:42 PM Livia: i love kirk herbstreit's somber face when he discusses todd boeckman's performance today. it's like he's telling us the president has been shot.

4:03:11 PM OPS: Do you realize that UT beat Arkansas by as much as they beat Arkansas State?

11:09:52 AM Nastinchka: I'm all suited up, but I don't want to go down to the bar, because that will mean I can't take my Peyton Manning Beanie Bear. (WHAT.)
11:10:47 AM PB: You are the editor, but that deserves to go in your Laff Riot. So others can laugh at you.
11:10:59 AM Nastinchka: I hate you.
11:11:14 AM PB: Now you're just turning me on.

7:31:01 PM Livia: OH NO
7:31:09 PM Nastinchka: what???
7:31:10 PM Livia: WHAT IF ELI AND PEYTON SWITCHED PLACES LIKE IN FREAKY FRIDAY
7:31:18 PM Nastinchka: DOn'T EVEN SUGGEST THAT
7:31:25 PM Nastinchka: For one thing, he just converted a first down.
7:32:37 PM Livia: We'll know if Peyton buys a pottery kiln and refuses to leave the "studio" in his basement, and Eli marches around angrily, rifling footballs into Tom Coughlin's face and demanding to be nurtured.

7:49:17 PM Swindle: Mike Patrick sounds bitter about Todd's ability to eat without gaining weight
7:49:36 PM Nastinchka: Todd's blush is freaking me out.
7:49:47 PM Swindle: It's gravy blooms.

8:50:45 PM JHC: I'm glad Manny can't read that.
8:51:13 PM Nastinchka: I'm really glad he's married
8:51:18 PM Nastinchka: so he has someone to take care of him.
8:51:25 PM JHC: And Papi on the road.
8:51:28 PM Nastinchka: Do you think he has an assigned buddy
8:51:35 PM Nastinchka: a Mannyminder.
8:51:38 PM JHC: Yes.
8:52:11 PM JHC: When papi has to shower and stuff he gives manny a yo-yo.

1:13:12 PM Nastinchka: And Dorell is up 10-0 on AZ State. Of course he is.
1:13:29 PM Swindle: He'll lose next week
1:13:33 PM Swindle: Or blow this lead
1:13:41 PM Swindle: Or turn into a toadstool on the sideline
1:13:57 PM Swindle: Whatever it is, you won't expect it.

7:22:04 PM Livia: HOLLY
7:22:04 PM Nastinchka: (Autoreply) coltycoltcolts
7:22:08 PM Livia: HOLLYYLLYLYHOHLAF
7:22:10 PM Nastinchka: WHAT
7:22:16 PM Livia: TEN POIIIINT FAAHHHHHHHHHHHV
7:22:21 PM Livia: SCIFI
7:22:23 PM Livia: GO
7:23:23 PM Livia: its the part where the guy is in the hole with the bomb
7:23:36 PM Nastinchka: HAAAAA
7:24:09 PM Livia: i love how he can make calls out of the mineshaft when pinned by a nuclear bomb.
7:24:23 PM Nastinchka: Works in more places.
7:24:26 PM Livia: thank goodness for his bluetooth headset.
7:24:32 PM Nastinchka: It's the network.
7:25:20 PM Livia: now there is an earthquake, yet the connection remains unimpaired
7:24:50 PM Nastinchka: (cut to that hipster glasses jumpsuit wearing tool pinned under the bomb with him, looking sheepish)
7:26:39 PM Livia: i love how they are all totally unconcerned about the damning ecological apocalypse they are causing by detonating five warheads into the water supply.
7:26:55 PM Nastinchka: Freedom isn't free.
7:27:31 PM Livia: I want a 10.5 wedding cake.
7:27:46 PM Livia: and I want Beau Bridges to pop out of it.
7:27:54 PM Nastinchka: A big hollowed out volcano cake like we used to make in science class
7:28:12 PM Nastinchka: with a marzipan warhead pinning a little bride and groom figure down in the bottom of the crater.
7:28:33 PM Livia: No, just the groom.
7:28:49 PM Nastinchka: In sickness and in sucking chest wounds
7:29:20 PM Livia: And a fondant model train.
7:29:32 PM Livia: If possible, we'll get the actual one used for filming
7:29:33 PM Nastinchka: on graham cracker tectonic plates.
7:29:42 PM Nastinchka: Which I'm pretty sure is what they used for the actual set.
7:30:18 PM Livia: Don't forget the spun sugar helicopter and exploding whiskey dam.

8:00:15 PM Nastinchka: OK, I fully support this Phenomenon show, despite its high Criss Angel content, if it involves magicians getting bitten by live snakes on TV.
8:00:30 PM Livia: Yes. Agree.
8:01:26 PM Nastinchka: in fact
8:01:33 PM Nastinchka: why don't we pitch that as a reality show
8:01:40 PM Nastinchka: Snakes And Assholes.
8:01:51 PM Livia: I LOVE IT
8:01:54 PM Nastinchka: Just putting snakes in concealed places for deserving targets. Brought to you by AllState. Are you in good hands? HISSSSSSSSSSS

Posted by Nastinchka at November 12, 2007 01:08 PM