Snarkastic

Stupid Fat Hobbit: NCAA Week 13

Wrote it: JMW
Imaged it: HRA

I am proud to present the First Annual Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 12 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of tragicomic schizophrenia. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Wormtongue, Excised Bombadil, the magic glow coming out of Cate Blanchett's pores, Howard Shore's Catchy Rohan Theme That Never Fully Leaves Your Head, Treebeard, And Coach Asshole Orc That Killed Haldir, Even Though Haldir Totally Would Have Won If It Had Been A Fair Fight [sniff! --ed.].

The battle of AP positioning is over; the battle for the BCS title is about to begin.

1. LSU
GOLLUM SAYS: They have only to remove those who oppose them. The power of the enemy is growing. Les Miles will use his puppet Dorsey to destroy the people of Arkansas. The West has been unleashed. The Eye of Miles now turns to Atlanta, the last free kingdom of men. His war on this country will come swiftly. He senses the SEC Championship Ring is close. In his heart, Darren McFadden begins to understand. The Heisman quest will claim his life. For Miles will have dominion over all life on this Earth, even unto the ending of the world. The time of Razorbacks is over. Do they leave the East champion to its fate? Do they let them stand alone?

None of us seriously think that Arkansas has a chance against them, right? Even in this season of the upset? Regardless, they've clinched the West, and I shudder to think about facing an infuriated LSU that lost their national title hopes in the last game of the season. It's better for everyone if they just win and Les Miles doesn't feel obligated to burn the entire city of Baton Rouge to the ground.

JACOB HESTER: [After taking a hit that would have knocked a rhinocerous unconscious; examining his hand curiously] Wait! I feel a slight tingle in my finger. I think it is affecting me!

2. KANSAS
SMEAGOL SAYS: The fate of the world will now be decided in Arrowhead Stadium. The veiling shadow that glowers in the Big 12 takes shape. Mangino will suffer no rival. From the summit of Lawrence his eye watches ceaselessly. But he is not so mighty yet that he is above fear. Doubt ever gnaws at him. The rumor has reached him. The heir of Kellen Winslow lives. Mangino fears you, Gary Pinkel. He fears what you may become. And so he will strike hard and fast at the world of Mizzou. Miles and Mangino are tightening the noose around the bowl bid. But, for all their cunning, we have one advantage. The Conference Championship Rings remain hidden. We must trust now in Tennessee and Oklahoma. Everything depends now upon speed and upon the secrecy of their quest.

I know that the WWL won't shut up about this, but you might have become accustomed to hearing it by now, and I would like for you to just take a second and think about the fact that KANSAS and MISSOURI are playing next weekend for a slot in New Orleans. If I had said that before Week 1, would you have laughed in my face and shoved me into a gutter, or would you have had me committed?

3. MISSOURI
GOLLUM SAYS: Open war is upon you whether you would risk it or not. Whatever luck you live by... let's hope it lasts the night. Look at them. They're frightened. You can see it in their eyes. And they should be. They cannot win this fight. They are all going to die.

I am loath to make college football predictions; it's one thing to prophesy the eventual demise of Cal (which, if you read the polls, I believe I have been doing since at least Week 2), but it's very difficult to call actual games. Missouri-Kansas is pretty much the game of the year at this point. Conventional wisdom takes Kansas; my gut feeling is that this is justified. But we'll see.

4. WEST VIRGINIA
SMEAGOL SAYS: They will drive the machine of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fist of the Mountaineer. Attention, fans: if West Virginia survives this war, you will still be parted. If LSU is defeated and Slaton made king and all that you hope for comes true you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by defection or the slow decay of time, Slaton and White will leave. And there will be no comfort for you, no comfort to ease the pain of their passing. They will come to the NFL an image of the splendor of the kings of Men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world. But you, the fan base, you will linger on in darkness and in doubt as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. Here you will dwell bound to your grief under the fading trees until all the world is changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent. West Virginia lost to South Florida early in the season, yet they are two losses away from the title game. Good luck, Mountaineers. I would rather see you there than OSU.

5. ARIZONA STATE
GOLLUM SAYS:
KEEGAN HERRING: [Looking around frantically] What is it? What do you smell?
RUDY CARPENTER: [Pointing at USC] Man flesh! They've picked up our trail.

Did someone say something last week about Arizona State having a part to play yet? Did someone say something about the pity of Oregon ruling many? Say hello to sudden Top 10 matchup ASU-USC.

6. OHIO STATE
SMEAGOL SAYS:
TRESSEL: From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balcarr of Michigan... Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountain side... Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time... The stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as a life age of the earth... But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my Rose Bowl is done.

The only reason Ohio State is still so high in the polls is because they started the season ranked higher than the other one-loss teams. I resent them. I hate them. And I do not want to see them back in that title game. Todd Boeckman is a tool.

7. HAWAII
GOLLUM SAYS: Don't talk to it, pollsters. Don't encourage it. Farmers, ferriers, stable boys. These are no soldiers. Most have seen too many winters. Or too few.

I considered dropping Hawaii because they almost lost to Nevada, but consider: they only won on a last-tick kick, but they played all but four downs without Colt Brennan. I am amazed they didn't lose by 20, much less won. Are they really one of the ten best teams in the country? No, no they're not. But I feel guilty keeping the only other undefeated team in the country out of the poll when so many others have fallen.

8. VIRGINIA TECH
SMEAGOL SAYS: A new power is rising. Its victory is at hand. March to the ACC Championship. Leave none alive. To war!

Who would have ever thought after that shellacking in Baton Rouge that Virginia Tech would be part of the discussion in November? Boston College is probably doomed.

9. OREGON
GOLLUM SAYS:

MIKE BELLOTI: [Frowning] A great host, you say?
DENNIS DIXON: All the student section is emptied.
BELLOTI: How many?
DIXON: Ten thousand strong at least.
BELLOTI: [astonished] Ten thousand?
DIXON: It is an army bred for a single purpose: to destroy the world of Ducks. They will be here by the two minute warning.
BELLOTI: [Fiercely] Let them come.

Here's the thing. I understand that Dixon is a great player. He is my Heisman vote. However, he is only ONE MAN. His injury was devastating to the Ducks, but cannot be used as an excuse for their total and unprecedented collapse. Yeah, it sucks that they had to start a Leaf. But that does not explain the complete degeneration of their defense! Dixon is not a defensive player! What the HELL happened to Oregon? They were looking like the real deal until Dixon planted that knee.

10. USC
SMEAGOL SAYS:
BOOTY: This looks strangely familiar.
CARROLL: Because we've been here before. We're going in circles!

I thought they were dead! No, you cannot kill them. No. They come with fire, they come with axes... gnawing, biting, breaking, hacking, burning. Destroyers and usurpers, curse them. You and I both know that the polls put Georgia in the Top 10, but I will not do that. Any of you that need a reminder why need look no further than October 7. The place was Neyland Stadium. The team was Tennessee. The result was a barely legal bloodsport. People who think the Dawgs are amazing now because of Mark Richt's motivational skills are overlooking one key factor: the whole reason that they NEED motivation is because of the demoralizing ass-stomping they took from us. Also, Florida is ridiculously overrated at 13, and I will be damned if I put a THREE-LOSS TEAM IN MY TOP TEN GO TO HELL FLORIDA I HATE YEEEEEWWWWW

MISC...

OKLAHOMA
Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!

TEXAS TECH
A red sun rises, blood has been spilled this night.

TEXAS TECH: Final count, 34-27.
COLORADO: 34-27? Oh, that's not bad for a round-shouldered Texan troglodyte. We upset them first, though.
TEXAS TECH: [takes out an arrow, and shoots the Sooners in the stomach] Well, we upset them twice.
COLORADO: They were already dead!
TEXAS TECH: They were twitching.
COLORADO: They were *twitching* because they've got our axe EMBEDDED IN THEIR NERVOUS SYSTEMS!

GEORGIA
Bring your pretty face to my axe.

MICHIGAN
They're wasted on long coverage plays! They are natural sprinters, very dangerous over short distances.

MIAMI
Maybe they do deserve to die, but now that I see them I do pity them.

BOSTON COLLEGE
[Matt Ryan looks wonderingly around]
CALLENDER: Breathe the free air again, my friend.
RYAN: Dark have been my dreams of late. [looks at his hands]
CALLENDER: Your fingers would remember their old strength better... if they threw deep downfield.

VANDERBILT
The enemy? His sense of duty was no less than ours, I deem (though his kicking foot certainly was). You wonder what his name is, where he comes from, and if he really was evil at heart. What lies or threats led him on this long march from Nashville, and would he not rather have stayed there... in peace?

LLOYD CARR
So it begins. Three hundred lives of men he has walked this earth and now he has no time.

TOM OSBORNE
Osborne? Osborne...yes...that was what they used to call me. Osborne the Gray. That was my name. *I* am Osborne the White. And I come back to you now - at the turn of the tide.

ARIZONA
Look at their men. Their courage hangs by a thread. If this was to be their end, then I would have them make such an end, as to be worthy of remembrance.

MIKE STOOPS: If the offensive line is breached, Oregon will fall.
ANTOINE CASON: Even if it is breached, it will take a number beyond reckoning, thousands, to rush the passer.
STOOPS: Tens of thousands.
CASON: But, my lord, there is no such force. [They walk onto the field. A horn sounds. A Wildcat army of thousands stomp their hooves and scream hungrily.]

MARYLAND
Where is the Terp and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountain, like wind in the meadow. The days have gone down in the ACC behind the hills into shadow. How did it come to this?

PENN STATE
It's true you don't see many Nittany women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance, that they are often mistaken for Nittany men. It's the beards. And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no Nittany women, and that they just spring out of holes in the ground! Which is, of course, ridiculous.

CAL
You'll find more cheer in a graveyard.

LOUISVILLE
I think you might have made a mistake in not leaving for the NFL, Brohm.

LOU HOLTZ
Be silent. Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth. I did not pass through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm. In one thing you haven't changed, my friend - you still speak in riddles.

GAMEDAY
MARIO MANNINGHAM What business does a bottle blond, a man, and a dwarf have in the Big House? Speak quickly.
LEE CORSO: Give me your name, wolf-master, and I shall give you mine.
MANNINGHAM: [dismounts] I would cut off your head, dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground.
KIRK HERBSTREIT: [draws a bow and aims at arrow at Manningham's throat] You would die before your stroke fell.

LOUISIANA-MONROE
QUINTEZ SECKA: Fell deeds awake... Now for Wrath... Now for Ruin... and the Red Dawn...FORTH, WARHAWKS!!

SABAN
SABAN: [pensively] Who am I, Wilson?
JOHN PARKER WILSON: You are our king, sire.
SABAN: And do you trust your king?
WILSON: [Uncomfortably] Your men, my Lord, will follow you to whatever end.
SABAN: [Madly] To whatever end...

ALABAMA'S FAN BASE
CLETUS: Master. Master looks after us. Master wouldn't hurt us.
BILLIE JOE: Master broke his promise.
CLETUS: He never promised a miracle...
BILLIE JOE: He took the CHECK, DIDN'T HE?!?
CLETUS: Don't ask Cletus. Poor, poor Cletus.
BILLIE JOE: Master betrayed us. Wicked. Tricksy, False. We ought to wring his filthy little neck. Five losses?!?! Kill him! Kill him! Kill them both! And then we take control of the program... and we be the master!
CLETUS: But the fat NCAA Sanctioning Hobbit, he knows. Eyes always watching.
BILLIE JOE: Then we stabs them out. Put out his eyeses, make him crawl.
CLETUS: Yes. Yes. Yes.
BILLIE JOE: Kill them both.
CLETUS: Yes. No! No! It's too risky. It's too risky.
BILLIE JOE: [looking murderously at the LSU fanbase] We could let *them* do it.
CLETUS: Yes. They could do it. They would LOVE to do it!
BILLIE JOE: Yes, precious, they would. And then we takes the program once they're dead. We'll takes it, and suddenly it will have a reliable defense and a decent quarterback.
CLETUS: Once they're dead. Shh.
[Comes out of hiding]
CLETUS: Come on, Coach!! Long ways to go yet. We're behiind you. We will show you the way!
BILLIE JOE: [hissing menacingly] Follow me.

TENNESSEE
AINGE: I can't do this, Dan.
LINCOLN: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be contending for an SEC title. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Erik. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the season go back to the way it was when so many total collapses had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Erik, I do understand. I know now. Folk on those teams had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
AINGE: What are we holding onto, Dan?
LINCOLN: That there's some good in this season, Mr. Erik... and it's worth fighting for.

Posted by Nastinchka at November 21, 2007 09:35 PM