Snarkastic

Well, I'm back: NCAA Week 14

Wrote it: JMW
Imaged it: HRA

I am proud to present the First Annual Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Top 9 Poll of the season.

9:38:56 PM Holly: Why 9?
9:39:03 PM Holly: (I know, I just want to hear you yell)
9:39:14 PM Joan: I didn't want to put Georgia in the FUCKING TOP TEN BECAUSE THEY DONT DESERVE IT FUCK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW
9:41:27 PM Holly: [hissing]

The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 13 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of things that look like elephants, but aren't elephants. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Peter Jackson and Andy Serkis. Their judgments should be enough for you.

Regular season is behind, the bowls ahead, and there are many paths to tread.

1. MISSOURI
SHELOB SAYS: You think you are wise, pollsters. Yet for all your subtleties, you have not wisdom. Do you think the eyes of Mizzou are blind? I have seen more than you know. With your left hand you would use me as a shield against Oklahoma, and with your right you would seek to supplant me. I know who rides with the Mountaineers. Oh, yes. Word has reached my ears of this Slaton, son of Araslaton, and I tell you now, I will not bow to this Ranger from the Big East, last of a ragged house long bereft of lordship! I was rooting for Kansas, but now that the Tigers are in the driver's seat, I hope they dismantle Oklahoma and head to the title game. It would be unbearable for OSU to slink their way back in. Geaux Tigers! (Awkward.)

2. WEST VIRGINIA
SHELOB SAYS: The stars are veiled. Something stirs in the Big East. A sleepless malice. The eye of the enemy is moving. He is HERE.

Now is the hour! Riders of Morgantown! Oaths you have taken, now fulfill them all, to lord and land! Note to Pat White: Put aside the ranger. Become who you were born to be. Take the Road to New Orleans.

3. OHIO STATE
SHELOB SAYS:
TRESSEL: They've suffered a defeat, yes, but... behind the walls of Blacksburg, our enemy is regrouping.
BOECKMAN: Let them stay there. Let them rot! Why should we care? We've locked up a BCS bid!
TRESSEL: No. There is still hope for the Hokies. They need time... and safe passage across the plains of the Atlantic Coastal Conference. They might even leapfrog us in the standings!
BOECKMAN: How?
TRESSEL: Think about it, Todd. We don?t have to play in a conference championship. They do. They can move up, while we can only move down.
BOECKMAN: But that's not fair!
TRESSEL: Fair? Was it FAIR for us to lose to unranked Illinois and then fail to blow Michigan out? No, but it happened anyway! Now we watch. And wait.

4. VIRGINIA TECH
SHELOB SAYS: Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Blacksburg, of the ACC, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear of losing to the Cavaliers that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of Hokies fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you STAND, MEN OF THE EAST!

5. KANSAS
SHELOB SAYS: There never was much hope; just a fool's hope. The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it. The way is shut. Let's look at the pros and cons of this loss. PRO: Hawaii is now the only undefeated team in the country, and will not be going to the national championship, to the outrage of playoff sympathizers everywhere. CON: It makes it that much easier for an undeserving OSU to get back in the title game. Come ON...they lose to Illinois two weeks ago, but get the nod over a Kansas team who lost to No. 4 Missouri in the final week of regulation? I don't think so.

6. LSU

SHELOB SAYS:
HOUSTON NUTT: Let the lord of the SEC West come forth! Let justice be done upon him!
GLENN DORSEY: My master, Miles the Great, bids thee welcome. Is there any in this divisional rivalry rabble with authority to treat with me?
HOUSTON NUTT: We do not come to treat with Miles, faithless and accursed. Tell your master this: the armies of Baton Rouge must disband. He is to depart these lands, to take the Michigan job, never to return.
GLENN DORSEY: Ahh, old bald head. I have a token I was bidden to show thee.
[Pulls out Tebow's tattered jersey and throws it at them]
DARREN MCFADDEN: [whispers] Tebow?
HOUSTON NUTT: Silence.
CASEY DICK: No!
HOUSTON NUTT: Silence!
GLENN DORSEY: The halfling was dear to thee, I see. Know that he suffered greatly at the hands of his host. Who knew that one so small could endure so much pain? And he did, Houston, he did. What makes you think you'll fare any better against the greatest defense in the land? Do you remember how you played against Tennessee?
[McFadden comes forward]
GLENN DORSEY: And who is this? The Heisman's heir? It takes more to make a winner than a broken season...
[McFadden cuts off Dorsey's head on a touchdown run]
CASEY DICK: I guess that concludes negotiations.

A tree. There was a white tree in a courtyard of stone. It was dead. The city was burning. Baton Rouge? Is that what you saw? No tomb for Perriloux and Doucet. No long, slow sleep of death embalmed. They shall burn, like the heathen kings of old. Bring wood and gaps in the defense.

HOUSTON NUTT: Send forth all legions. Do not stop the attack until the city is taken. Slay them all.
PEYTON HILLIS: [gesturing towards Miles] What of the wizard?
HOUSTON NUTT: [hissing] I will break him.

They're still the best two-loss team in the country, no question, but they haven't looked invincible in quite a while now. The SEC Championship should be extremely interesting. NOW do you think Michigan's job opening influenced Les Miles at all? I bet their fans believe it.

7. OKLAHOMA
SHELOB SAYS: Do not come between the Sooners and their prey. After dispatching OKState, they will turn their attention to feasting on the flesh of Missouri.

8. USC
SHELOB SAYS:
BOOTY: Here do I swear fealty and service to Los Angeles. In peace or war. In living or dying. F... f... from this hour henceforth, until my lord release me... or death take me.
CARROLL: And I shall not forget it. Nor fail to reward that which is given. Fealty with love, valor with honor, disloyalty with vengeance.

Just feel the need to put this out here...the team that upset USC lost to Notre Dame today. Good times.

9. HAWAII
SHELOB SAYS: You should not encourage them. Maybe I shouldn't doubt them. I do not doubt their heart, only the reach of their arms. Brennan is one good player. I just don't see them beating any of the teams ranked above them (not that they'll have that chance).

MISC...

KENTUCKY
My friends, you bow to no one. Kentucky played what can only be described as an amazing second half and then very nearly took us to a fifth overtime. If they had played like this against Florida or Georgia, they'd still be in the top ten. Andre Woodson, Regulation Hottie. (Know why I can say that? Because we won.)

FLORIDA
Murderers. Traitors. You would call upon them to fight? They believe in nothing. They answer to no one.

Oooooh, you beat Florida State. Good job. I know they beat BC, but they were overrated to begin with. Get back to me when you get to the SEC Champio---Oh, WAIT.

GEORGIA
With Tennessee clinching the SEC East, what did this game become? A diversion.

COLORADO
Certainty of death; small chance of success. What are we waiting for? This season could not have been more glorious for my beloved Buffs. Defeat of longtime oppressor Nebraska? Check. Defeat of hated high-ranking rival Oklahoma? Check. All that's left to do is release Ralphie into a crowd of unsuspecting Wyoming fans, and the victory will be complete.

MARYLAND
NC STATE: The dead do not suffer the living to pass.
CHRIS TURNER: You will suffer me.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE 2007 BOWL-ELIGIBLE MARYLAND TERRAPINS! FEAR! THE! TURTLE!

ALABAMA
They had no honor in life. They have none now in death.

JOHN PARKER WILSON: I can see Erin Andrews dancing. She had ribbons in her hair. If ever I were to marry someone, it would have been her. It would have been her.
[sits down and begins to cry]
DJ HALL: [leans over and hugs him] I'm glad to be with you, John Parker Wilson, here at the end of all things.

VIRGINIA
AL GROH: It must be getting near tea-time, leastways in decent places where there *is* still tea-time.
KELLER HARDY: We're not *in* decent places.

AUBURN
DJ HALL: You fool. No man can kill me.
BRANDON COX: I am no man.

ARIZONA STATE
BRADY LEAF: [to himself] What were you thinking, Brady Leaf? What service could a backup hobbit offer such a great lord of men?
RYAN LEAF: [approaching] You are to replace Dennis Dixon?
BRADY LEAF: I didn't think they would find any jerseys that would fit me.
RYAN LEAF: It once belonged to a boy of the citadel. A very foolish one; who spent many hours shooting his mouth off to journalists instead of studying his playbook.
BRADY LEAF: This was yours?
RYAN LEAF: Yes, it was mine.
BRADY LEAF: Well, that explains why we lost.

TEXAS
The city has fallen silent. There is no warmth left in the sun.

But I do not believe this darkness will endure. Texas just didn't have it this year, but they'll be back. Oh, they'll be back.

Too few have come to play. We cannot defeat the armies of Texas A&M. No. We cannot. But we will meet them in battle nonetheless.

ED ORGERON
BOONE: [Reading a note Orgeron has handed him] I have left instruction. The people are to follow your rule in my stead. Take up my seat in the Golden Hall. Long may you defend Oxford if the meeting goes ill. [He looks up] What other duty would you have me do?
ORGERON: Duty? [Smiling gently, patting his hand] Naww. Iwoodhavya smaahhl 'gin, not guhrieyuv fahhthahzzwhoostimacome. 'ooshal leeyuv tahseethesedayus renooowuhd. Naww mah dizpayuh.

LLOYD CARR
CORSO: He leaves because there is no hope.
MANNINGHAM: He leaves because he must.

You know, there's no reason they can't both be right.

BILL CALLAHAN
CALLAHAN: You have won many games and slain many foes, Husker Nation, and made peace afterwards. Can we not take council as we once did, my old friends? Can we not have peace?
FAN BASE: We shall have peace... We shall have peace, when you answer for the burning of the Lincolnfold! We shall have peace, when the lives of the student-athletes whose bodies were hewn even as they lay dead against the gates of Kansas, are avenged! When you hang from a gibbit for the sport of your own crows...! We shall have peace.
CALLAHAN: Gibbits and crows! DOTARDS! What do *you* want, Osborne Greyhame? Let me guess. The key to the stadium? Or perhaps the keys of Nebraska itself? Along with the crowns of the seven kings and the rods of the five wizards? [contemptuous snort]

NICK SABAN
Go back to the abyss! Fall into nothingness that awaits you and your master!

ALABAMA'S FANBASE
BILLIE JOE: Clever Saban, to build our hopes so high! [snarls, grips him by the throat]
CLETUS: Mustn't go with this record! Mustn't hurt our precious pride!
SABAN: [Choking] You swore! You swore you wouldn't expect too much!
CLETUS: [mocking] Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo...
SABAN: FAN BASE PROMISED!
BILLIE JOE: Fan base lied.

CLEMSON-SOUTH CAROLINA
STEVE SPURRIER: Is there a captain here who still has the courage to do his lord's will?
CHRIS SMELLEY: You wish now that our places had been exchanged... that I had been benched and Blake Mitchell had started.
STEVE SPURRIER: Yes.
STEVE SPURRIER: [whispering] I wish that.
CHRIS SMELLEY: Since you are robbed of Mitchell... I will do what I can in his stead.
[bows and turns to leave]
CHRIS SMELLEY: If I should return, think better of me, Coach.
STEVE SPURRIER [coldly, dismissively]: That will depend on the manner of your return.

OREGON-UCLA
DENNIS DIXON: [sadly] I didn't think it would end this way.
BOB STOOPS: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death of BCS hopes is just another path... one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it.
DENNIS DIXON: What? Coach?... See what?
BOB STOOPS: White shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
DENNIS DIXON: [smiling] Well, that isn't so bad.
BOB STOOPS: [softly] No... no, it isn't.

NOTRE DAME-STANFORD
WEIS: My recruits are spent. My line has ended. ESPN has deserted us. Regis Philbin has betrayed me. Abandon your posts! Flee, flee for your lives!
[He turns around, and Harrison Smith knocks him out with his staff]
SMITH: [coldly] Prepare for battle!

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold. A three-win season is one of those things.

POOR REGIONAL TELEVISING DECISIONS

Don't leave me! Don't show the game where I can't follow!

TENNESSEE
From the ashes, a fire shall be woken. A light from the shadow shall spring. Renewed shall be year that was broken. The crownless again shall be king.

[Immediately before overtime]
FULMER: We have time. Every day we move closer to Atlanta.
CHAVIS: Do we know that?
FULMER: What does your heart tell you?
CHAVIS: That our championship hope is alive. Yes. Yes, it's alive.

Hope is kindled.

That was a big game, but it still only counts as one. Let's focus on preparing for the SEC Championship now.

ARIAN FOSTER: [Both are overcome by exhaustion] Do you remember Rocky Top, Mr. Erik? It'll be winter soon. And the Christmas trees will be on top of the bank buildings. And Bruce Pearl will be screaming about something or the other. And they'll be drinking the first of the corn whiskey in the stands...do you remember the taste of corn whiskey?
ERIK AINGE: No, Arian. I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of water... nor the touch of grass. I'm... naked in the dark, with nothing, no veil... between me... and the wheel of fire! I can see Randy Sanders... with my waking eyes!
ARIAN FOSTER: Then let us be rid of it... once and for all! Come on, Mr. Erik. I can't carry it for you without drawing a personal foul penalty... but I can carry you!

When UT lost to Alabama and everyone counted us out, I was one of those people that Holly wanted to punch in the face for saying that we could still mathematically win the East, so I counted my lucky stars that I was a few hundred miles away from her. I had absolutely no right to hope that this would come to pass, but it has. See you in Atlanta, Les. The board is set. The pieces are moving.

DAVID CUTCLIFFE: Foster. Take your running play down the left flank. Jones, follow the King's banner down the center. Cottam, take your company right, after you pass the wall. Arise! Arise, Riders of Rocky Top! Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered! A sword day... a red day... ere the sun rises!
[The King rides past his men, hitting their spears with his sword as he goes]
DAVID CUTCLIFFE: Play now!... Play now!... Play! Play to ruin and the world's ending!
[He stops and faces Sanders' army]
DAVID CUTCLIFFE: Death!
TENNESSEE: [echoing] Death!
DAVID CUTCLIFFE: Death!
TENNESSEE: [echoing] Death!
DAVID CUTCLIFFE: DEATH!
TENNESSEE: DEATH!
DAVID CUTCLIFFE: FORTH, VOLUNTEERS!

Forth, and fear no darkness.

Posted by Nastinchka at November 28, 2007 12:01 AM