Snarkastic

BCS Selection Week: The End of All Things

We're deeply indebted to everyone who's stuck around throughout our little experiment this season (not really; this is our romper room and we does what we likes, but it's nice to be gracious in italics). Here's our curtain call, written by JMW and illustrated by HRA. If you can identify every movie...you're probably hiding under one of our beds.

Since the polls are no longer relevant, and since nothing makes me angrier than a Fox-sponsored hour of false pageantry, irrational bias, and broken dreams, I don't see how bastardizing the beautiful written words of meaningful films would do anything but hurt us all. So welcome, friends, to the First Annual Bullshit Movies That Piss Me Off (And Enjoyable Movies That Are Still Undeniably Awful) Bowl Selection Show Edition. [Note: For the record--Napoleon Dynamite falls in the first category; anyone arguing otherwise will be banned. This is neither a democracy nor a cheerocracy. --ed.] I seriously don't think I could designate the top team in the country right now, but don't worry, that won't stop me from castigating the choices of others. Wherever possible, I have used the name of the actual bowl, instead of the soulless corporate sponsor that seeks to cleave our spirits in twain by shoving the fucking San Diego County Credit Union down our throats; fuck you, San Diego County Credit Union.

Before we start, a quick note on the BCS selection process. Of all the ideas that became the United States, there's a line in the Declaration that's at the heart of all the others. "But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and provide new Guards for their future security." Fellow citizens, the time has come for us to shrug of the yoke of a Bowl Championship System that would saddle us with undeniably inferior matchups.

"National" "Championship" Game
Ohio State vs. LSU
LSU, you been touched by an ANGEL, girl. By rights, Tennessee should be playing for the Sugar Bowl, because Ryan Perriloux [Holly's Riverboat Queen] is the worst quarterback this side of Casey Leaf. However, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Ainge took care of that (c'mon, we led for the majority of the game, and then blew it in the last two minutes...NOOOOOOOOO I can't talk about this anymore). Still, I hope LSU rolls OSU just like Florida did last year, and then we can finally stop this ridiculous debate about which is the "best" conference; it's been obvious to anyone with a brain for quite a while now.

BCS: It is a pleasure to see you, your excellency, and I would be honored to expedite your clearance through security.
TRESSEL: Please, call me Zete. Do all of the BCS matchups look like this?
BCS: Oh, I'm afraid so, sir.
TRESSEL: Pathetic. All the cellar teams. They told me this season was ugly, but this has got to be one of the ugliest crap holes in the entire universe.
BCS: I couldn't agree with you more.

Rose Bowl
USC vs. Illinois
Pete Carroll thinks his team should get an automatic championship bid because USC is such a rich school. He should use some of that money to buy himself a clue. LSU is clearly the strongest of the two loss teams; if you compare their two losses, you get Kentucky and Oregon...okay, that's pretty close...and then defending SEC West Champion Arkansas, complete with Darren McFadden, and STANFORD. COME ON, PEOPLE. As for Ron Zook's presence in a BCS Bowl? You see, after all is said and done, the only thing you can be really sure of, the only thing you can really count on in this world, is that you just never fucking know. FUCK the BCS and their stupid rule about 2 teams from the same conference being the limit; 2-loss Missouri gets screwed, and somehow, Ron Zook gets to go.

Sugar Bowl
Hawaii vs. Georgia
MARK RICHT: Well, I never thought I would make it here today. I thought I would get a national championship bid. I would make a great national champion because I promise to put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, and I'm also gonna get a glitter Bonne Bell dispenser for all the girls' bathrooms. Oh, and we're gonna get new cheerleading uniforms. Anyway, I think I'd be a great national champion. So, who wants to eat corn dogs next year? Not me. See, with me it will be summer all year long. Vote for Georgia.

Oh, Hawaii. Do you really think inside your mind that because you swing your ass around on stage and you throw a couple of passes here and there, that you are some colossal success? Successful teams are those that face adversity and overcome it. Being down three touchdowns in one game is not enough to quantify the rest of your schedule (Haleakala State Community College, represent!).

Fiesta Bowl
Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
RICH RODRIGUEZ: [upset] I... I just really thought I was gonna find the treasure.

I am really glad WFV retained a BCS bowl bid, because now I get to wear my Mountaineering Anderson Shirt for another month. Here's the question, though: how come they can lose twice and keep it together, yet Missouri does the same thing and gets shut out? Answer: FUUUUCK YEEEEEEW BCS GNNNNNNNN.

Orange Bowl
Virginia Tech vs. Kansas
FRANK BEAMER: Lemme tell you something, in every relationship, there's a bull and a cow. It just so happens that in this relationship, right here with me and you, I'm the bull, you're the cow. Alright? [Points to self] Bull. [Points to Mark] Cow. You got that?
MANGINO: Yeah, I got it. Bull, cow.

I love that a team like Kansas can rise from mediocrity, and I wish them well, but does this seem a little lopsided to anyone else? Mizzou seems like they would have a better chance against the Hokies than the Jayhawks do. But I also didn't think Arkansas could beat LSU, so what do I know?

Poinsettia
Utah vs. Navy
Let?s just pause and enjoy the moment. Utah? In a bowl. Navy? In a bowl. Notre Dame? Not so much. Good Choice, Harrison Smith.

New Orleans
Memphis vs. Florida Atlantic
Memphis, there's something I've always wanted to tell you and I think you're ready to hear it. You're not very pretty, and you're not very bright. Oh, I'm so glad we had that talk.

Papajohns.com
Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati
A three-loss team that almost beat West Virginia against a five-loss team that couldn't beat Rice? Because it's not worth winnin' if you can't win big!

New Mexico
Nevada vs. New Mexico
Once more: Nevada and New Mexico? In bowls. South Carolina? Not. Steve Spurrier? Free for the holidays for the first time since 1990.

Pioneer
UCLA vs. BYU
You embarrass me, UCLA. You embarrass yourself.

Hawaii
East Carolina vs. Boise State
Weak. Weak, weak, weak. I hope these teams enjoy Honolulu, because no one is going to enjoy watching the game they play.

Motor City
Central Michigan vs.Purdue
You should know what a Boilermaker is, Central Michigan. You certainly drank enough of them upon qualifying for a bowl.

Holiday
Arizona State vs. Texas
In 1967, mine workers discovered the first remnants of a long lost Native American civilization - The Abkani. The Abkani believed that there are two worlds on this planet, a world of light and a world of darkness. 10,000 years ago the Abkani opened a gate between these worlds. Before they could close it, something evil slipped through. The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the Earth. Only a few artifacts remained, hidden in the world's most remote places. These artifacts speak of terrifying creatures that thrive in the darkness, waiting for the day when the gate can be opened again. Bureau 713, the government's paranormal research agency, was established to uncover the dark secrets of this lost civilization. Under the direction of archaeologist Lionel Hudgens, Bureau 713 began collecting Abkani artifacts. When the government shut down his controversial research, Hudgens built a laboratory hidden within an abandonded gold mine. There, he conducted savage experiments on orphaned children in an attempt to merge man with creature. Hudgens victims survived as "Longhorns" - lost souls awaiting the moment of their calling. This is it, Longhorns. Your moment has arrived. There is no way Texas is bad enough to lose this game...right?

Texas
TCU vs. Houston
This is what happens when you read too much goth chick lit.

Champs Sports
Boston College vs. Michigan State
I just want to get to know the Matt Ryan beneath the surface arrogance. Peel back the layers. What do I think is below the surface arrogance? More arrogance. And then perhaps a few delicious layers of flaky disdain. All around a creamy sweet center of homicidal rage.

Emerald
Maryland vs. Oregon State
(Deep breath) MARYLAND IS IN A BOWL MARYLAND FEAR THE TURTLE WHOOOOOOOOOOO!! Oregon State is stupid enough not to be a menace, good-looking enough to be decorative; they get drunk with economical speed, and have other advantages, like not having a Turtle for a mascot. Maryland by 90.

Meineke Car Care
UConn vs. Wake Forest
UCONN: Let's just think about this for a second, shall we. I am out of your league, I'm so out of your league, that if your league exploded, I wouldn't hear about it for three days. So let us go on in a companionable silence, shall we?

Liberty
UCF vs. Mississippi State
SYLVESTER CROOM: Come to me, clouds. May you rise as an evil storm born to rip them open. Let the cover of night bear witness and destroy those who resist so they shall harm me not. Let the blood of many cleanse me, preserving beauty eternal, I pray you.

Alamo
Penn State vs. Texas A&M
PATERNO: Dennis, we'll need to take a rain-check on that title matchup.
FRANCHIONE: [excitedly] Ok. I'll wear my razzle dazzle raincoat!

Independence
Alabama vs. Colorado
I'm Ralphie, founder of the Ralphie Kwan Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the STRENGTH of a grizzly, the reflexes of a PUMA, the survival INSTINCT of a BUFFALO, and the wisdom of a man.

After looking at a bunch of bowl matchups that left me cold, this filled me with predatory excitement. No waffling about who to root for here. Alabama's lucky to even get a fucking bowl bid, which causes despair across the state, and Colorado is just happy to be here, sir! GO BUFFS!

Armed Forces
Air Force vs. Cal
Jeff Tedford: (examining a line of Golden Bears) You, you have weak ankles. One of your calves is bigger than the other. Too much makeup. Not enough makeup. What's with the skin? Say it with me SUNLIGHT. Kicker...enough said. Smile. Don't smile. Ah, good tone and general musculature. Report those compliments to your ass before it gets so big it forms its own website! And you, I take you to be the captain, which means you'll probably need more work than anybody.

Humanitarian
Georgia Tech vs. Fresno State
Maybe Chan Gailey COULD get them to a bowl this year. GOSH!

Sun
South Florida vs. Oregon
You know, Mike Bellotti, everyone's saying that your ambition broke Dennis Dixon's leg...when really it was the angle in which he slammed into the ground. Oregon's been in a tailspin ever since, just like USF and their three loss skid ignited by Rutgers. This matchup of two Woulda Coulda Shoulda teams makes for quite an interesting bowl.

Music City
Kentucky vs. Florida State
ANDRE WOODSON: I am a quarterback. That's what I do. You are my offensive line. Offensive linemen are dancers who have gone retarded. What you do is a tiny, pathetic subset of football. I will attempt to turn your robotic routines into poetry, written with the human body. Follow me, or perish, sweater monkeys.

Insight
Indiana vs. Oklahoma State
If we go out and half-ass it 'cause we're scared, then we'll always wonder if we were really good enough. But if we go out there and give it all we've got... that's heroic. You guys wanna be heroes?

Peach (Chick-fil-A)
Clemson vs. Auburn
Never show weakness. The only pain that matters is the pain you inflict.

Outback
Wisconsin vs. Tennessee
A toast? Yeah. To high treason. That's what Fulmer was committing earlier this season. Had we lost the East, he would have been hanged, beheaded, drawn and quartered, and--Oh! Oh, my personal favorite-and had his entrails cut out and burned! So... Here's to the man who did what was considered wrong, in order to do what he knew was right...WIN THE EAST. For this season, I guess that's going to have to be enough. In Tennessee, we wear Badgers for hats. Go Vols!

Cotton
Arkansas vs.Missouri
MCFADDEN: Watch it, boy! You don't want to dis me! Or I'll dish out my misery. Now. who's that sorry wanna-be that disturbed my z's? If you wanna be number one, I'm sorry boy, that's been done! But if you got the itches for a sack of riches don't matter how avaricious, I'm the man that can grant your wishes! Hey, don't turn your butt on me! I'm the man of the ages, straight out of the pages. Hang on! I'm contagious, outrageous, spontaneous! You can't contain this. I am KAZAAM!
DANIELS: I'm really happy for you. You barely made a bowl at all.
MCFADDEN: Where do you think you're going? I'm winning the Cotton and I'm out of your face, back in my box and out of this place.
DANIELS: Listen Mr. Psychopathic Dork in the Basement, I don't think you're winning anything.
MCFADDEN: Do you realize who I am? I'm a genie!!
DANIELS: In that case I wish i was as big as you, but not so stupid.

Gator
Texas Tech vs. Virginia
AL GROH: We also need some way to make us look official, like we got all the answers.
KIP: How bout some gold bracelets?
AL GROH: We need like some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and what not. I mean, we gotta look legit man.
KIP: That's true, that's true.

Um, the Cavs are in a bowl...wow. Just wow.

Citrus (Capital One)
Michigan vs. Florida
URBAN MEYER: When you go to Nationals... bring it. Don't slack off because you feel sorry for us. That way, when we beat you, we'll know it's because we're better.
MARIO MANNINGHAM: Oh, I'll bring it. Don't worry.
MEYER: I never do.

International
Rutgers vs. Ball State
That's the spirit, Ball State: one part brave, three parts fool.

GMAC
Bowling Green vs. Tulsa
Gross.

Posted by Nastinchka at December 4, 2007 05:03 AM