Snarkastic

Laff Riot 55: She Gods of Snark Reef

8:48:16 PM Livia: so a commercial for something called "top this party" just came on
8:48:37 PM Livia: i am positive our hallowedding will top them all.
8:48:58 PM Nastinchka: duh
8:49:51 PM Livia: have i told you my new idea? for count chocula and frankenberry to valet park everyones cars?
8:49:59 PM Nastinchka: NO
8:50:02 PM Nastinchka: But I'm on board.
8:50:08 PM Nastinchka: Surprise!
8:50:36 PM Livia: shocker.
8:57:14 PM Livia: do you think someone sells those costumes, or will we have to get dewayne to add them to the list of things to make?
8:57:31 PM Nastinchka: They'll look better tailored
8:57:45 PM Livia: I mean, my reception dresses alone already have seven pages of sketches
8:57:50 PM Livia: I don't want him to be overworked.
8:57:57 PM Nastinchka: Sweeetie.
8:58:00 PM Nastinchka: He worked for DOLLY.
8:58:03 PM Nastinchka: And Lucci.
8:58:07 PM Nastinchka: His whole life has been building to this.
8:58:22 PM Livia: Are you saying that you think Lucci and Dolly combined could somehow be more demanding than me?
8:58:29 PM Nastinchka: Wouldn't dare.
8:58:45 PM Livia: Don't make me put you in a ruffled bodice.
8:58:56 PM Nastinchka: YOU wouldn't dare.
9:00:06 PM Livia: i am having two dresses made for the wedding party; a pretty one for y'all to wear if you do as i say, and one with a ruffled bodice and flouncing if you just can't learn the playbook.
9:00:33 PM Nastinchka: You're a tyrant.
9:00:39 PM Nastinchka: And I love you.
9:01:51 PM Livia: Brands belong on cattle, and on my bridesmaids.

1:40:40 PM Momma: so, my favorite thing about watching the game is
1:41:15 PM Momma: when that little scoreboard thingy makes that blip/suck sound when it pops out of the CBS icon
1:41:38 PM Momma: but I AM watching the game
1:41:43 PM Momma: aren't you proud?
1:41:49 PM Nastinchka: who's my big girl?
1:41:57 PM Momma: me, cause I'm home by myself
1:42:02 PM Momma: and STILL watching the game

9:16:09 PM Nastinchka: Favre got hurt?
9:16:31 PM JHC: I think it's the ulnar nerve. I'd be surprised if he's back.
9:16:45 PM Nastinchka: That's....kinda sad, actually.
9:17:15 PM JHC: Least he's going out on his feet, in a game he singlehandedly lost for his team, as he'd want to do.
9:17:39 PM JHC: he would have wanted it this way.

5:50:26 PM Livia: Tonight, the part of Peyton Manning will be played by Eli Manning. We regret any inconvenience.
6:12:26 PM Nastinchka: oh god
6:12:34 PM Nastinchka: Eli Manning is doing a watch commercial
6:12:45 PM Nastinchka: Those are about...I can't even make a precision joke

8:10:52 PM Momma: YWD has toddled off to bed
8:11:04 PM Momma: I'm turning off the tree lights and following
8:11:12 PM Nastinchka: wanna treepicture
8:11:19 PM Momma: got the kitchen tree half decorated
8:11:25 PM Nastinchka: ....ktichen tree?
8:11:25 PM Momma: okay, pic tomorrow
8:11:33 PM Momma: on top of the bar
8:11:37 PM Nastinchka: oh, dear.
8:11:44 PM Nastinchka: So how many trees are we up to?
8:12:11 PM Momma: well, you know how I've ALWAYS wanted a white feather tree??
8:12:24 PM Nastinchka: oh, no.

9:35:50 PM Nastinchka: God I hate GChat
9:35:51 PM Nastinchka: they MOVE
9:35:56 PM Nastinchka: I don't like it when they MOVE
9:36:27 PM JHC: I... think they're handsome.
9:36:35 PM JHC: Block headed and happy.
9:36:43 PM Nastinchka: Wait, you see actual emoticons?
9:36:48 PM Nastinchka: I just see the same moving smileys
9:37:24 PM JHC: The wink, and smile, and wiggle their eyebrows.
9:37:35 PM Nastinchka: EYEBROWS DO NOT WANT
9:37:45 PM JHC: They're cute!
9:38:12 PM JHC: Not like Magnum. Give em a break, they don't have ears.

9:54:40 PM Livia: also, DON'T YOU LOSE ON ME NOW, HAWAII. go undefeated and make the bcs explode. WIN, DAMN YOU.
9:55:54 PM Nastinchka: I'm gonna bed.
9:56:10 PM Livia: i am exhausted, but unable to sleep.
9:56:27 PM Nastinchka: just fold your wings around you, hang upside down, and plot revenge.
9:56:30 PM Nastinchka: gnight!
9:56:45 PM Livia: Done.

3:30:53 PM PB: Go Berry!
3:31:08 PM Nastinchka: BABYBERRY
3:31:22 PM PB: So so good
3:31:36 PM Nastinchka: my mother just called him "cheeky"
3:32:30 PM PB: oh my
3:32:59 PM Nastinchka: She has this impression that it was mildly ill-mannered of him to take the other team's ball.
3:33:28 PM PB: impolite, these players
3:33:38 PM Nastinchka: but only mildly
3:33:42 PM Nastinchka: him being on our team and all
3:33:47 PM PB: of course

10:19:14 PM Barstoolio: How are things?
10:19:27 PM Nastinchka: Meh. You?
10:19:46 PM Barstoolio: Just had a fun night out, but with all married people. Can't win 'em all.
10:19:54 PM Nastinchka: Can't win all the married people?
10:20:21 PM Barstoolio: Yes. I'm not good at guessing weight.
10:20:21 PM Nastinchka: (this makes them sound like stuffed animals at the fair. I approve.)

7:42:04 PM Livia: Um...guess who Jay ran into at Lust, Caution
7:42:38 PM Livia: (which he referred to as Boredom, Yield)

3:31:35 PM Momma: Your Daddy says you're 10 seconds behind us
3:31:41 PM Momma: how that matters I don't know
3:32:00 PM Nastinchka: Because he called me and said TOUCHDOWN WOOOO and I hadn't seen it yet!
3:41:13 PM Momma: have you seen the touchdown yet?
3:41:18 PM Nastinchka: MOTHER.

8:23:27 PM Livia: So the LOTR polls will take us through the end of regular season
8:23:38 PM Livia: But I'll need a very special theme for post-bowl season predictions.
8:23:51 PM Nastinchka: LOVE ACTUALLY
8:23:58 PM Livia: NO
8:24:08 PM Livia: FIRTH EMERGENCY CHRISTMAS ROMANCE MECHANISM MUST NOT BE ACTIVATED
8:24:37 PM Livia: I looked at HP, but so much of the stuff is repetitive
8:24:38 PM Nastinchka: Hedwig the Christmas Transition Cotton Bowl, presented by Autozone!
8:24:52 PM Nastinchka: ET?
8:25:03 PM Nastinchka: Matt Ryan: IT WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT PENIS BREATH
8:25:13 PM Livia: I ACTUALLY THOUGHT OF USING THAT EXACT QUOTE
8:25:15 PM Livia: ONLY FOR OHIO STATE.

5:55:58 PM PB: This ref is so psycho
5:56:14 PM Nastinchka: He has Stage 1 Reche Caldwell Eye Syndrome.
5:56:20 PM PB: LOL
5:56:27 PM Nastinchka: What? it's serious!

9:10:56 PM Livia: OH
9:11:01 PM Livia: _____ LIKES FOOTBALL NOW
9:11:07 PM Livia: HE THINKS HE KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT
9:11:08 PM Livia: AND GET THIS
9:11:26 PM Nastinchka: OH
9:11:27 PM Nastinchka: OH
9:11:27 PM Livia: HE'S AN ALABAMA FAN. BECAUSE HE LIKES JOHN PARKER WILSON.
9:11:31 PM Livia: I AM GONNA SNAP HIS NECK.
9:11:35 PM Nastinchka: WHAT.
9:11:37 PM Livia: LIKE
9:11:37 PM Livia: A
9:11:39 PM Livia: TWIG
9:12:19 PM Livia: He tried to pull the "but we'll miss the LSU-Bama game!" shit on me, and i read him the riot act.
9:12:37 PM Nastinchka: HE LIKES ALABAMA BECAUSE IT'S FULL OF PLANTATIONS
9:12:48 PM Livia: HE LIKES TO SAY JOHN PARKER WILSON'S NAME
9:12:54 PM Livia: IN AN ELLEN OHARA ACCENT

4:16:52 PM PB: I am a disgusting human being.
4:17:02 PM Nastinchka: You ate the third sandwich, didn't you?
4:17:17 PM PB: +2 bags of chips and a large cherry coke. Good God
4:17:37 PM Nastinchka: As a girl who feels the suffocating need to run an extra three miles after eating even one of those things, I hate you.
4:17:42 PM Nastinchka: As your buddy, I'm in awe.
4:17:54 PM Nastinchka: And as a human being, I wonder if maybe you have a tapeworm.

3:21:23 PM Nastinchka: HE MADE A CAT NOISE.
3:25:51 PM Livia: Unacceptable.
3:26:11 PM Livia: How did he even make that noise though all the stuck-on bits of corn dog in his teeth?
3:31:12 PM Nastinchka: I CAN"T BELIEVE IT HE'S TRYING TO CALL ME.
3:31:15 PM Nastinchka: GNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
3:31:41 PM Livia: Just answer and tell him you're on the other line with Bo Pellini, interviewing for an assistantship
3:31:44 PM Nastinchka: CALLING AGAIN.
3:31:51 PM Nastinchka: CALLING AGAIN
3:32:15 PM Nastinchka: I bet it's to leave a voicemail, but HE CAN GO TO HELL AND DIE.
3:32:21 PM Livia: Answer your phone by saying "Ryan Perriloux's future" and then break a chicken bone into the receiver and make the Mario dying noise.

10:47:30 AM Nastinchka: BROCK BERLIN, NFL STARTER!!!111
10:47:35 AM Nastinchka: ARE YOU READY??
10:47:39 AM Nastinchka: YOU ARE NOT READY.
10:47:58 AM Nastinchka: And, really, how can any of us be ready
10:49:07 AM Barstoolio: I ... I have nothing. I've been trying to process this since earlier in the week, and...it's like I woke up in a strange, bizarro opposite-day universe
10:49:19 AM Barstoolio: Most not ready of all?
10:49:23 AM Barstoolio: Brock Berlin.
10:51:24 AM Nastinchka: [plays Danger Zone]

8:43:04 PM Livia: I miss making the polls
8:43:11 PM Nastinchka: me too.
8:43:27 PM Nastinchka: masterfully done, all of them.
8:43:57 PM Livia: Self-congratulation smells like peppermint
8:43:59 PM Livia: I miss you
8:44:04 PM Nastinchka: [nose pet]
8:44:08 PM Livia: also HOW COULD I FORGET IT WAS ORANGE ROUGHY
8:44:15 PM Nastinchka: orange roughy repays
8:44:22 PM Nastinchka: I remembered because I wrote it down.
8:44:29 PM Livia: i can still smell it in some of my clothes
8:45:26 PM Nastinchka: we must have smelled like it for days.
8:45:41 PM Livia: it explains a lot
8:47:08 PM Livia: like how no one will ever love us
8:47:22 PM Nastinchka: speak for....myself.
8:47:24 PM Nastinchka: [sob]
8:47:55 PM Livia: Don't worry, I'm sure Peter will love the parts of you he stabs off your lifeless corpse in a Rose Bowl bathroom
8:48:26 PM Nastinchka: Let's ask.
8:48:44 PM Livia: Why spoil your New Year's surprise?
8:53:48 PM Livia: It's all fun and games until the LA SVU calls me on New Year's Day
8:54:03 PM Nastinchka: Awwww, I'm a SPECIAL victim.
8:54:06 PM Nastinchka: Momma will be so proud.
8:54:07 PM Livia: Of course, I'll be in New Orleans and screaming unintelligbly into my phone about oysters and beignets, so it will all work out.
8:54:16 PM Nastinchka: cheers!

10:17:02 AM Momma: get ALL better, I'm off to unwrap 3 inches of bubble wrap from EACH breakable ornament
10:17:08 AM Momma: and they are LEGION

9:00:28 PM Livia: I feel so bad for Darren Mc.
9:00:42 PM Livia: You could tell Houston Nutt wanted to break Tebow's neck.
9:00:44 PM Nastinchka: hissssssss
9:00:54 PM Livia: Seriously, he didn't even clap.
9:01:07 PM Nastinchka: GOOD.
9:01:14 PM Livia: I KNOW.
9:01:54 PM Livia: I wish, instead of bringing his mom, Tebow had brought Tony Joiner. That would have been an awkward moment for Chris Fowler.
9:02:06 PM Nastinchka: Heisman love songs! Go!
9:02:19 PM Livia: Strike the Pose (Of Love)
9:02:34 PM Nastinchka: I May Be Bronzed, But I'm Not Your Trophy (It's On The Shelf, You Concussed Asshole)
9:02:53 PM Livia: Let's Break Tradition (And Sodomy Laws)
9:03:22 PM Nastinchka: I Stole You A Centerpiece (Like You Stole My Heart)
9:03:53 PM Livia: Here's what I imagine: Joiner dressed in a flowy nightgown, staring at Tebow's oil painting, and running through the halls of a gothic mansion while Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" plays in the background.
9:04:27 PM Nastinchka: Although there's no way Tebow rides a motorcycle (DO NOT ASK ME WHY I KNOW THE PLOT OF THAT VIDEO). He's a Vespa man.
9:04:46 PM Livia: Whatevs, like I don't have the entire video memorized
9:04:59 PM Livia: The way the picture frames contain moving film clips
9:05:16 PM Nastinchka: like a fucking Sharper Image infomercial.
9:06:00 PM Livia: And the Ann Taylor nightgown
9:06:10 PM Nastinchka: Ann Taylor Loft. Please.
9:06:12 PM Livia: AND THE FULL LENGTH MIRROR
9:06:18 PM Livia: WHERE THE LOVER APPEARS NEXT TO HER
9:06:22 PM Nastinchka: oh, god.
9:06:34 PM Nastinchka: it's.....it's alll...well, you know.
9:06:42 PM Livia: i dont know how you would do this, but i demand to see a full-length video of this featuring joiner and tebow.
9:06:59 PM Nastinchka: Done and done.
9:07:17 PM Livia: Tony, when you hold me like this, and when you kiss me like that...it was lost long ago, but it's all comin' back to me....nooooooooooow ('s all comin back to me no-o-o-ow)
9:07:39 PM Nastinchka: Tim and Tony: The Colour of my Lurve.
9:09:35 PM Livia: I haven't watched since Peyton was robbed. But then I realized--I watched that year, and then we won the national championship the year after. So I did my part tonight and will accept nothing less than a national title in thirteen months.
9:09:48 PM Nastinchka: Duly noted.
[six minutes pass]
9:15:17 PM Nastinchka: ugh, now I have the damn song in my head.
9:15:21 PM Livia: Now I can't get that song out of my head.
9:15:23 PM Nastinchka: slkjrehgk;alejhfgkl;adhjslkfadjfk
9:15:25 PM Livia: AAAAH
9:15:25 PM Livia: STOP IT
9:15:29 PM Nastinchka: WHAT THE HELL
9:15:48 PM Livia: BABY, BABY, BAAAA--A-A-A-A-BBY
9:24:40 PM Livia: I'm going to bed, so you can get back to the guy who's going to sneak a thermos full of your blood into the Rose Bowl
9:24:49 PM Nastinchka: I love you too.
9:25:01 PM Livia: I'm not saying it back.
9:25:09 PM Nastinchka: BUTTON THE GODDAMN BUTTON
9:25:53 PM Livia: I don't have time for this. I have to work on the GPS bug I plan on baking into your Christmas cookies so I know where he's hidden you.
9:26:16 PM Nastinchka: I'll ask him to poke some holes in the lid.
9:26:34 PM Livia: Yeah, I'm sure he'll be accomodating like that. What a prince!
9:26:44 PM Nastinchka: GO TO SLEEP, HOOR.
9:27:05 PM Livia: (I'm 60% sure he's not a killer, but I can't let this joke go, and more importantly, I'm 40% sure that he actually is a killer)

Posted by Nastinchka at December 10, 2007 09:34 AM