Snarkastic

NCAA Final Reckoning: The Smart Girl's Guide to Picking a Winner

In which Joan gives you everything you need to know about placing your bets tonight, before you sink into a drunken stupor.

Average Joan Poll Ranking
LSU: 1.4
OSU: 4.6

Weeks Spent at Top of Joan Poll
LSU: 8
OSU: 3

Strength of Schedule
LSU: 20
OSU: 38

Quality Wins
LSU: #9 Virginia Tech, #12 South Carolina, #9 Florida, #18 Auburn, #17 Alabama, #14 Tennessee
OSU: #20 Purdue (if you can consider a win against Purdue to be quality, regardless of their ranking)

Conference
LSU: SEC
OSU: Big 10

What Their Coaches Did Last Night
LSU: Drank hurricanes until the blood vessels in both eyes ruptured, then switched to hand grenades. Demanded that his coaching staff take him to Big-Ass Bottomless Nudes, then refused to leave until he got a lap dance from a woman wearing only a baseball cap. Freed his Lady Marmalade. Laughed hysterically for 45 minutes for no discernible reason. Shotgunned 4 dozen raw oysters, then ate a live alligator he pulled from the banks of the Mississippi. Wept hysterically, giggling and licking the salt off his teary face. Stumbled back home, unaware of who he was, where he was, or what the game of football was.
OSU: Drank a cup of decaffeinated coffee, then quietly cut himself under the table to atone for his partaking of the devil's cup. Adjusted sweater-vest. Placed pocket protector on sweater-vest, even though sweater-vest has no pockets, just in case. Took small bite of bread pudding to be polite, then unobtrusively spit it into his napkin and clenched his fists until his fingernails pierced the soft skin of his hands. Retired to the Hampton Inn no later than 6 p.m. Watched Desperate Housewives, then called self a whore and cried angrily until dawn.

What Their Quarterbacks Look Like
LSU: Matt Damon
OSU: A foot

Press
LSU:
* "They have only to remove those who oppose them. The power of the enemy is growing...For Miles will have dominion over all life on this Earth, even unto the ending of the world."
* "By foul craft, Les Miles has crossed Orcs with goblin men. He's breeding an army in the caverns of Death Valley. An army that can move in sunlight and cover great distance at speed. Miles is coming for the Championship Ring. Against the power of Baton Rouge there can be no victory."
* "This weekend in Tuscaloosa, an "LSU Pep Rally" was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here. I support them 100%."
* "I met Les Miles fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this football coach, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the *devil's* eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that man's eyes was purely and simply... *evil*."
* "Do not touch the glass. Do not approach the glass. Bring nothing into the stadium but soft paper - no pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in the paper. Use the sliding food carrier, no exceptions. If they attempt to pass you anything, do not intercept it. Do you understand me? Glenn Dorsey is a monster. Pure psychopath. So rare to capture one alive. From a research point of view, Dorsey is our most prized asset."
* "LSU is every nightmare you've ever had. They're your worst dream come true. They're everything you ever were afraid of."
* "Les Miles has made living biological attractions so astounding that they'll capture the imagination of the entire planet."
* "You still don't understand what you're dealing with, do you? Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility. I admire its purity. A survivor... unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality. I can't lie to you about your chances, but... you have my sympathies."
* "Baton Rouge protects us! We are her children! We pledge our devotion to her with an offering of flesh... and blood! The MTSU coach was heard screaming "If you think I'm going to play another SEC team at home, think again, buster! I'm going home to Middle Tennessee, where they never feed you snakes before ripping your heart out and lowering you into hot pits! This is NOT my idea of a swell time!"
* "You still don't get it, do you? They'll find you. That's what they do. That's all they do! You can't stop LSU. They'll wade through you, reach down your throat, and pull your fucking heart out."
* "It only took LSU one game to release their perennially unnecessary aggression against a helpless, inferior opponent, as I'm sure you have all seen by now on the internets. This leads me to believe that one or more of their players may be infected with the rage virus, playing so drunk that he thinks he is a Mack truck, or an emissary from hell sent here to teach us about pain before the trumpets sound. This does not bode well for Virginia Tech. Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when the Hokies arrive."
* "When in doubt, just picture the intimidating Tiger Stadium. As an old friend once said, "there was a building or something with flames coming out of it, and there were creatures writhing around, and they were growling and snarling. And there were flames, and I heard a voice say 'Zuul'! (Pointing at seemingly innocuous stadium) It was right here!"

OSU
* "The only reason Ohio State is still so high in the polls is because they started the season ranked higher than the other one-loss teams. I resent them. I hate them. And I do not want to see them back in that title game. Todd Boeckman is a tool."
* "What's this? A Buckeye, caught off his guard? I don't know how long they tortured Tressel, but through the endless screams and inane babble, they discerned two words: Juice Williams."
* "You wanna win? Put Boeckman on it. He's a sneaky little shit, just like Troy Smith was. At least until he sneaks into the national title game and gets his ass handed to him by an SEC team...also just like Troy Smith."
* "There's nothing wrong with you... except Todd Boeckman's hair. His hair is a train wreck."
* "Among the rugged peaks that crown down upon the Borgo Pass are found crumbling stadiums of a bygone age. This team isn't even as good as they were last year, and they weren't all that great then. Now, I know that every other poll has Ohio State at the top. I know we're in the Season Of The Upset, but seriously: YSU, Akron, Washington, Northwestern, Minnesota, Purdue, and Kent State? I could cobble together a team consisting of Teri Hatcher, Seth Rogen, and the Muppet Babies, quarterbacked by a patchwork quilt, and beat those teams by 140 points. Just because Ohio State is the last big-name unbeaten doesn't mean they should automatically rise to the top."
* "Savage! You think your win will allow you to move up? You are not in a position to ask for anything! We will take what we wish, and then decide whether or not to blow your ship from the water."
* "They move up not so much because they earned this spot, but because Texas showed that they did not deserve it."

Pick: LSU.

Posted by Nastinchka at January 7, 2008 05:00 PM