Snarkastic

Laff Riot 59: E Pluribus Shmoonum (Out of Many, Shmoo)

11:10:13 AM Nastinchka: I've never had a meteor strike NFL game before.
11:11:52 AM Livia: AND a game between two teams that I don't really want to root against.
11:12:19 AM Livia: I mean, how do you not root for Favre? Or Eli? Because let's be honest: it is the only chance either of them is ever going to have.
11:12:48 AM Nastinchka: I'm finding it pretty damn easy not to root for Favre, just so I don't have to hear the word "gunslinger" ever again. I just want his boyish heart of a champion to go live on a farm and chase squirrels.
11:14:48 AM Livia: It's not his fault people love him, just like it's not our fault people hate us.
11:15:14 AM Nastinchka: Meh. I've made my choice. And I choose a world in which Jeremy Shockey gets a Super Bowl Ring.
11:16:11 AM Livia: He won't accept it. Kind of like hunters have to make the actual kill before they eat the squirrel.
11:16:43 AM Nastinchka: But maybe he thinks if he kills Tom Coughlin with his bare hands and eats his still-beating heart, he gains one transitively.
11:16:46 AM Nastinchka: Everyone wins.
11:18:10 AM Livia: That is true.

12:16:02 PM JHC: I fucking hate officials.
12:16:14 PM JHC: I wish we could replace them with London's public cameras.
12:16:18 PM JHC: What are they called?
12:16:21 PM JHC: Bobbie cams?
12:16:25 PM JHC: I mean, Bobby cams?
12:16:42 PM Nastinchka: I should ask Momma. She almost got arrested outside their intelligense (sp?) bureau for photographing them for Birds On Things (it had a bird on it).
12:16:56 PM JHC: She could be the replay official.
12:17:01 PM JHC: Quick and decisive.
12:18:06 PM Nastinchka: And irretrievably biased.
12:18:19 PM JHC: I... think that is the greatest idea I've ever had.
12:18:34 PM Nastinchka: "After review, San Diego's pants clash with their helmets. The ruling on the field is overturned."

4:54:44 PM Nastinchka: PLAY WITH ME.
4:56:04 PM Momma: ok but only for 5 more minutes. then I have to concentrate of the marvelous offering that is HSM2.
4:56:11 PM Nastinchka: I can't believe you're watching that.
4:56:58 PM Momma: well, like I said, I need a topic to discuss with my grils next week; they were all gaga today. bless their hearts.
4:57:16 PM Nastinchka: It's hard to be the smartest AND the prettiest girl at the fair.
4:57:43 PM Momma: or on the playground
4:58:03 PM Nastinchka: It's your cross to bear.
4:59:16 PM Momma: ayup
5:00:29 PM Nastinchka: that baton
5:00:31 PM Nastinchka: was ON FIRE
5:00:53 PM Momma: oh. I didn't know.
5:01:00 PM Nastinchka: Well now, you do.

4:56:22 PM 'Bus: FALLING in a bar and slicing an artery?
4:56:25 PM 'Bus: Likely story
4:56:49 PM Nastinchka: He could've fallen on a dude holding a shiv, Nick, c'mon.
4:57:11 PM Nastinchka: I think the more likely explanation is he was thrown through a window.
4:57:27 PM Nastinchka: That qualifies as falling, right?
4:57:33 PM 'Bus: And an accident, right?
4:57:48 PM 'Bus: I mean, he didn't mean to get thrown
4:57:48 PM Nastinchka: Well, I'm sure he didn't MEAN to fall through the window, so, I guess so, yeah.

10:18:25 AM PB : My ex-girlfriend has her away message as "working girl," meaning she's at work. But I really just want to IM her: "whore."
10:20:17 AM Nastinchka: PLEASE DO
10:21:01 AM PB : HA - just did it. Her reply: "fuck you."
10:21:26 AM Nastinchka: "How much?"
10:21:33 AM PB : done
10:21:50 AM Nastinchka: Ten points to Gryffindor!

11:13:31 AM JHC: Marvin's fumble was particularly brutal.
11:14:14 AM JHC: The minute Norv gets down 2 TDs, he stops running the ball. That would have been nice.
11:17:04 AM JHC: i wish he'd wear turtlenecks
11:17:10 AM Nastinchka: I don't know if I'd call it "livid"
11:17:14 AM Nastinchka: as much as "befuddled"
11:17:29 AM Nastinchka: "And Norv has changed color"
11:19:17 AM JHC: He's like a disfigured Al Gore over there.
11:19:24 AM JHC: sorry, but he is
11:22:00 AM JHC: Seriously. If Al Gore was a bumbling, hapless, scarred, perpetually insignificant football coach he would look like Norv.
11:22:05 AM Nastinchka: stooooop
11:22:10 AM Nastinchka: don't make me think about his neck.

12:01:40 PM Nastinchka: gingersnappage
12:01:43 PM Nastinchka: gingersnappage
12:01:54 PM Momma: later, baby
12:01:59 PM Nastinchka: hissssssss
12:02:03 PM Momma: I'm making Pray-Leens
12:02:10 PM Momma: which I have NEVER made before
12:02:15 PM Nastinchka: What could go wrong?
12:02:39 PM Momma: what could go wrong?
12:02:47 PM Momma: with boiling water and Karo syrup?????!!
12:02:58 PM Nastinchka: oh, dear.
12:04:57 PM Momma: ok, I'm off to make a HUGE mess in the kitchen
12:05:07 PM Nastinchka: Have fun storming the castle!
12:05:33 PM Momma: this really will take a miracle

7:17:29 PM Swindle: Did you see that Hardee's commercial?
7:17:36 PM Nastinchka: No, we don't have them out here.
7:17:52 PM Nastinchka: well, we do, but it's Carl's Jr, but at any rate, no, i didn't. *hic*
7:18:01 PM Swindle: It shows someone grabbing ALL of the napkins out of a napkin dispenser
7:18:05 PM Swindle: Violently.
7:18:26 PM Swindle: Then: "Bacon Cheese Fries. At Hardees"
7:18:29 PM Nastinchka: "We threw our hearts over the wall"??
7:18:37 PM Nastinchka: Plaxy, I think it's "hats".
7:18:42 PM Swindle: First thought: "Explosive diarrhea? Vomiting?"
7:18:46 PM Nastinchka: But that might have been the way Coughlin told it.
7:18:53 PM Nastinchka: laced with crushed glass?
7:19:08 PM Swindle: Actually, his pregame speech was:
7:19:22 PM Swindle: Gentlemen, throw yourselves over a wall.
7:19:28 PM Swindle: The wall at the top of the stadium
7:19:31 PM Swindle: I hate you all.
7:19:40 PM Swindle: I would rather forfeit than play this game
7:19:49 PM Swindle: Because I have football more than life itself
7:19:52 PM Swindle: hat
7:19:54 PM Swindle: hate
7:20:02 PM Nastinchka: That's verbatim, I assume.
7:20:08 PM Swindle: Yes
7:25:24 PM Nastinchka: Oh my god please tell me you are still watching
7:25:43 PM Nastinchka: please tell me you are watching Michael Strahan say "SEE! You Don't NEED TRAINING CAMP!"

11:29:06 AM Livia: Also, I need to tell you something.
11:29:21 AM Nastinchka: ...
11:29:31 AM Livia: You know how I've always preferred Matt Saracen as a dumber, less attractive Pacey, with better friends and arm strength?
11:29:40 AM Nastinchka: oh, dear.
11:30:05 AM Livia: After you posted those side by side photos of Shockey and Riggins, I watched Friday Night Lights, and I was OVERWHELMED by just how sexy Tim Riggins is.
11:30:11 AM Nastinchka: THANK YOU.
11:30:17 AM Nastinchka: But I saw him first.
11:30:25 AM Livia: Like, I used to think he was just dirty hot, but now I realize he is HOT DIRTY HOT HOT.
11:30:37 AM Nastinchka: I honestly feel you have grown as a person.

1:36:24 PM Nastinchka: I feel I will have a problem disciplining kids when they've done something bad that's also funny.
1:36:39 PM PB : The temptation to fuck with them must be hard to resist.
1:36:41 PM Nastinchka: Scratch that, I feel it will be impossible.
1:37:15 PM Nastinchka: Tied helium balloons to the neighbors' cat's tail to make it walk on its front legs? they deserve a medal, not a time out.
1:37:37 PM PB : I would undoubtedly blame the neighbor.
1:38:09 PM Nastinchka: Points will be subtracted from whatever punishment for creativity, originality, and moxie.
1:38:25 PM PB : "Lighten up, Bob. It's a fucking cat. Haven't you always wanted to know if it could fly? And barring that, if it would land on its feet when the balloon popped at 150 meters?"

11:23:26 AM Nastinchka: Oh my god, Tedddddy Bruschi
11:23:42 AM Nastinchka: While it may be true for you, the New England Patriots are NOT A TEAM ABOUT OVERCOMING ADVERSITY
11:23:58 AM Nastinchka: unless "overcoming getting caught cheating by not giving a damn" counts as adversity.
11:25:33 AM Livia: Yeah. His own experience does not translate to the team as a whole.
11:27:46 AM Livia: Will it make it better if I kill Caesar, so that you can have your birthday all to yourself?
11:28:02 AM Nastinchka: eh. Who will get us guns?
11:28:20 AM Livia: If you can't kill without a gun, you don't deserve to kill at all.
11:28:36 AM Nastinchka: Fair.
1:54:06 PM Nastinchka: Tonight will be better.
Tonight I can pray for one of Charles Woodson's legs to just snap off in the cold.
1:54:45 PM Livia: Please hold for Ryan Perriloux's future.

6:46:07 PM Swindle: holy fuck offsides for breakfast
6:46:10 PM Nastinchka: Jimmy Johnson looks like my mom in Aspen from the forehead up.
7:00:23 PM Nastinchka: JEREMY SHOCKEY'S GOIN
7:00:26 PM Nastinchka: TO THE SHOW
7:00:28 PM Nastinchka: (ON CRUTCHES)
7:00:45 PM Swindle: He'll be hammered and falling off his crutches all night
7:00:55 PM Nastinchka: Just how I like him best. Easy pickins.
7:01:01 PM Nastinchka: Eli, just don't faint.
7:01:33 PM Swindle: Tom Coughlin looks like he slept in a kiln
7:04:14 PM Nastinchka: WOOOOWEE PACKERS WIN THE TOSS AND THE HEART OF AMERICA
7:04:23 PM Swindle: YEAH PASCAL!
7:04:29 PM Swindle: PROBABILITY IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!
7:10:18 PM Nastinchka: Wow, he gunslingered the hell out of that INT.
7:10:32 PM Swindle: See the running back right there? With an easy five yard catch?
7:10:41 PM Nastinchka: That was the clutchest OT miscue I've ever seen.
7:10:51 PM Swindle: Tom Brady would have positively impregnated that for an easy first
7:13:09 PM Swindle: "Well, we win as a team, and we lose because of Bret Favre."
7:13:10 PM Nastinchka: Tom Coughlin: "GET OFF MY LAWN!"

Posted by Nastinchka at January 23, 2008 10:57 AM