February 01, 2008
A Modest Propsal
America stands at a crossroads.
The country is divided. Slipping into recession. Fighting two unwinnable wars. Our very planet's future hangs in the balance.
But hope is on the horizon: Election season is upon us. A season of change. A season of possibility. A season of choice.
Brothers and sisters, come together. You are cordially invited to the one true American way:
- Abortion. Under the Shockey Administration, not only will abortions be legal, they will be mandatory. If any man besides Shockey impregnates a woman, the pregnancy will immediately be terminated, kind of like what happens when a new lion takes over the pride. Jeremy Shockey stands for his children.
- Gay Marriage. Under the Shockey Administration, all couples regardless of gender will be encouraged to express and formalize their love and union in any manner they see fit (except as noted above). Jeremy Shockey stands for more sex--for everyone.
- The War. The Shockey Administration will order an immediate return of all troops to American soil. Jeremy Shockey stands for more drinking buddies.
- Protecting Our Environment. The Shockey Administration will work aggressively to preserve the security of all American wildlife habitats, ensuring a bounty of huntable critters for generations to come. Jeremy Shockey stands for animal rights and gun owners.
- The Economy. No one can stimulate the American economy like Jeremy Shockey. His HGH and rage virus transactions alone will keep America swimming in new trade relationships. Jeremy Shockey stands for financial security.
- National Defense. With Jeremy Shockey as our president, our borders will be the safest they have ever been. Shockey himself will patrol the fences and manually decapitate anyone trying to cross in either direction, even legally, even to and from Canada. Jeremy Shockey stands for secure borders.
- Crime. See above. Jeremy Shockey stands for safe streets.
- Patriotism. His arm looks like the rear window of a Ford F-150. What could be more American? Jeremy Shockey stands for freedom of artistic expression and love of country.
The Platform
This election season, cast your vote for America's gun-totingest, boat-jackingest, throat-stompingest hero. Vote for 200-proof leadership. Vote Shockey '08.
Posted by Nastinchka at February 1, 2008 12:02 AM
Due to overwhelming demand, full-size wallpaper version available here.
Posted by: Holly at February 1, 2008 12:11 AM
I'm getting all kinds of misty-eyed here just looking at it...
Posted by: Signal to Noise at February 1, 2008 12:59 AMNew screensaver!
Posted by: The Great Barstoolio at February 1, 2008 04:57 AMShockey '08: You don't change horses in midstream. You rope eight together and make a horse-raft.
Shockey '08: Because a Jets Veterans for Truth campaign will be hilarious.
Shockey '08: It's what the world thinks of us anyway.
I'm Jeremy Shockey, and I approve of sex in the back of a truck. With twins.
Posted by: Bobo at February 1, 2008 05:10 AMTrue facts:
Shockey used to shoot his older brother with a BB gun.
Shockey owns a 1969 Charger painted like the General Lee.
Shockey called Bill Parcells a homo.
And finally, this pull quote: "Playboy Bunny Jennifer sidles up to Shockey. Would the tight end like to squeeze her tail? He would."
Y'all have a good day now.
Posted by: Bobo at February 1, 2008 05:25 AMWould he appoint fellow Da U *makes Da U hand gesture* Kellen Winslow Jr. as Secretary of Defense? I heard he was a fuckin' soldier.
Posted by: Alex at February 1, 2008 07:16 AMIs this a "Shockey and Awe" campaign?
Regardless, if it means more sex and gunplay, I'm in. I'll call the missus and tell her I've off to get some KY and gun oil so we can be ready for the brave new tomorrow of President Shockey.
Posted by: DC Trojan at February 1, 2008 07:28 AMThis is conclusive proof that steroids do, in fact, pay. Perhaps the only more ridiculous presidential candidate than Jeremy Schockey would be Barry Bonds.
Who is my hero.
Bust out those needles, kids!
Posted by: PB at February 1, 2008 07:48 AMAlex--I hadn't thought much beyond Strahan for Secretary of Soft Serve, but I like your thinking.
Posted by: Holly at February 1, 2008 07:53 AMMust... not... make Osi/"soft serve" joke....
Posted by: OPS at February 1, 2008 09:02 AMOK, I meant actual ice cream. Tell me you can't see him lobbying for a dispenser on every street corner.
Posted by: Holly at February 1, 2008 09:09 AMPresident Shockey would only need to appoint fellow alum of da U, Clinton Portis, to his cabinet in a general role, and several cabinet positions would be filled.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Sheriff Gonna Getcha
Director of National Intelligence: Inspector 2-2
Secretary of Commerce: Dollah Bill
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Dr. Don't Know
National Security Advisor: Southeast Jerome
Secretary of Education: Coach Janky Spanky
Secretary of State: Southeast Jerome
(Southeast Jerome obviously models himself after Kissinger.)
Posted by: Signal to Noise at February 1, 2008 09:49 AMSuper Tuesday, here I come. SHOCKEY SMASH.
Posted by: j at February 1, 2008 10:56 AMMy favorite President Shockey memory is... well, it's this.
Posted by: OPS at February 1, 2008 02:13 PM