April 05, 2008
GET IT OFF ME GET IT OFF ME
[Scene: An apartment in the Hollywood Hills. The afternoon of the Final Four. OUR HERO sits with his recently-sutured foot propped on the arm of the couch while OUR HEROINE selflessly arranges furniture for the six or seven guests arriving shortly.]
HIM: Hey, why don't you order us some pizza?
OUR HEROINE: Sure. Where from?
HIM: I'm not wasting money on [ALCOHOLICS REDACTED]. Get Domino's.
OUR HEROINE: Thin crust?
HIM: Sure. [tosses credit card]
[She types order into laptop. Several minutes pass.]
OUR HEROINE: ....um, [HIM]?
HIM: What's wrong?
[OUR HEROINE turns the laptop to face HIM]
HIM: WHAT DID YOU DO??
OUR HEROINE: I DON'T KNOW!! I ordered some pizzas and some Cokes and...IT JUST HAPPENED.
HIM: You associated my credit card information with NASCAR!
OUR HEROINE: You know, where I come from, that's actually--
HIM: YOU ASSOCIATED MY CREDIT CARD INFORMATION WITH NASCAR.
OUR HEROINE: I HAD NO WARNING! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?
HIM: Can't your hillbilly cortex sense its presence? Like a shark smelling blood a mile away?
OUR HEROINE: Oh, hush. Now c'mere and let me sear off those fingerprints. [brandishes flatiron]
Oak Ridge is in a valley.
Posted by: Stella at April 5, 2008 04:22 PMLetting him slide on the details for now--I'm still trying to break this one into sweet tea.
And YOU call me a hillbilly all the time.
Posted by: Holly at April 5, 2008 04:38 PMwell it's not like they are going to come slap restrictor plates on his car or anything... yet, anyway.
Posted by: kleph at April 5, 2008 04:39 PM"Fucking hillbilly" is still my favorite holler.
Posted by: Shea at April 5, 2008 04:53 PMIt does roll off the tongue, don't it?
Posted by: Holly at April 5, 2008 05:13 PMIf Mr.Incapacitated gives you too much fuss, just call him James Caan and threaten to go Kathy Bates on his ass {or his feet actually}.
Posted by: Kanu at April 5, 2008 08:08 PMHe has been roundly mocked for bloodying up the beach already. (Motherfucker stepped on a broken bottle during a moonlight stroll that went THROUGH his foot. It was awesome.)
Posted by: Holly at April 6, 2008 09:06 AMOh he's complaining now, but in a couple of weeks when he can only turn left and has an unavoidable urge to shoot at Toyotas, then he'll just have to accept that the damage is done.
Posted by: DC Trojan at April 6, 2008 11:27 AMHow can you possibly be a hillbilly if you're ordering pizza via the Internet? I didn't know people actually did that. As far as this Alabama goober is concerned, that practically makes you an astronaut.
Posted by: Doug at April 6, 2008 01:21 PMBe very, very careful how you toss around words like "astronaut", "cowboy", and "dinosaur" to me. It transforms me into a seven-year-old boy in 1955.
(I'M AN ASTRONAUT, Y'ALL)
Posted by: Holly at April 6, 2008 01:28 PM