Snarkastic

Rites of Spring: Footbawl Edition

I've got company in town. Here's Joan's draft analyses. Please, argue where you see fit.

Ah, spring; the dogwoods are blooming, the baby birds are chirping, and the warm winds blow gently with the smells of rank desperation, human growth hormone, and failure. In other words, it's NFL Draft time!

I've projected the top ten picks based on what I think *will* happen, not *should* happen. Then I'll assess some of the big name players, some of whom are destined for greatness, and some of whom are destined to become Pee-Wee coaches in Elko, Nevada (Go Desert Rangers!).

1. Miami Dolphins
WHAT THEY NEED: Everything.
WHO THEY'LL TAKE: Jake Long, apparently. Another awful pick by Miami. At least they're consistent.
WHY THEY'RE STUPID: With Jason Taylor now completing his long descent into madness and famewhoring on Dancing With the Stars, Miami needed to prepare for his inevitable departure by finding the next great pass rusher, WHICH IS WHY THEY SHOULD HAVE TAKEN CHRIS LONG. Big, big mistake. Also, seven words: "And now, starting at quarterback, John Beck!" Do they really believe this guy is their QB of the future, or have they just given up? It's nice to have a great pass rusher, but its also nice to have a quarterback of your OWN who can PASS. I am really confused why the owners don't seem to understand this. It's a mistake I won't be making when I take over the Washington Redskins.

2. St. Louis Rams
WHAT THEY NEED: Help. A lot of it. On offense. On defense. On special teams. On the coaching staff. In the stands.
WHO THEY'LL TAKE: Chris Long, DE. This is good news because their only marginally good player, Tennessee alum Leonard Little, is gonna be 34, which is positively ancient for a defensive end. Also, he plays for a shitty team that always gets rolled, so he's constantly exhausted. Why not bolster your D?
WHY THEY'RE STUPID: Because Orlando Pace is about twenty snaps away from melting into a puddle of liquid metal, like the T-1000; unlike the T-1000, he will not be able to pull back together, get up, and keep fighting like a badass. They should have taken the opportunity to get a good tackle in there now to learn from him before it's too late.Additionally--quick, name the Rams quarterback!!!....that's what I thought. (It's still Marc Bulger! Surprise!)

3. Atlanta Falcons
WHAT THEY NEED: It hasn't gotten a lot of press, but I think there may be some kind of problem at quarterback.
WHO THEY'LL TAKE: Matt Ryan, QB. See below.
WHY THEY'RE STUPID: Matt Ryan is the first (but not only) recipient of the Livia Harlowe Guaranteed Draft Bust of 2008 Award. Previous recipients include Matt Leinart and Brady Quinn (no, I'm serious, I actually called both of those. Check the archives). I completely fail to understand why he is consistently ranked so high. I wouldn't place him higher than tenth in this class of quarterbacks. Why, you ask? Look no further than his back-to-back losses to Florida State and Maryland. Maryland's mascot is the Terrapin, which is a turtle, which is about how fast Matt Ryan can move out of the pocket. That boy is slower than molasses in January. Also, Maryland's defense had a really rough year, yet they managed to reduce Matt Ryan to a quivering, weeping schoolgirl in the space of four quarters. That does not bode well for his NFL prospects. Atlanta needs to take a QB, but I don't feel that Matt Ryan is the reliable pick.

4. Oakland Raiders
WHAT THEY NEED: Defense, defense, defense.
WHO THEY'LL TAKE: Glenn Dorsey, DT. Warren Sapp's departure is a huge blow, and they need a superstar. Enter Dorsey, an abomination of nature who is 1/3 wolf, 1/3 great white shark, 1/3 demon from the hellmouth, and 100% SEC baller. He is to be praised with great praise.
WHY THEY'RE STUPID: Actually, they're not. This would be a good fit. And I'm sure Jamarcus Russell would be pleased to welcome a fellow Tiger ino the fold.

5. Kansas City Chiefs
WHAT THEY NEED: An offensive tackle, and badly.
WHO THEY'LL TAKE: If they can't trade for Jake Long (and I expect them to try), they'll take the best player left on the board, which is probably the superbly named Vernon Gholston. He'll give them a sorely needed pass rush, and they can pick up a cheaper OT in the next round.
WHY THEY'RE STUPID: They've found a WR with great potential in Dwayne Bowe, but take a look at their CB depth chart. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with dust, ash, and flame. Aside from an OT, a CB is their greatest need, but they'll be seduced by Gholston's reputation and forget their desperation until it's too late. They should take Aqib Talib or they'll live to regret it.

6. New York Jets
WHAT THEY NEED: Speaking of people who need cornerbacks...
WHO THEY'LL TAKE: Darren McFadden, RB. The Jets are notoriously poor drafters, but there's no harm in taking the best player left on the board.
WHY THEY'RE STUPID: Look, I hate the Jets. I hate them for what they did to Chad. But Darren McFadden CANNOT FALL TO THE PATRIOTS. THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO HAPPEN. Do your duty, Jets, and save us all from having to hear Bill Belichick's high, girlish, demonic laughter.

7. New England Patriots (from San Francisco)
WHAT THEY NEED: CB, OLB, OT
WHO THEY'LL TAKE: Aqib Talib, CB. They lost Asante Samuel and Randall Gay (thank goodness), and they'll need to replenish. Why is Talib a great fit? Three reasons: he is explosive, he is arrogant, and he clearly has some personality issues. Welcome to the New England Patriots!
WHY THEY'RE STUPID: Because Talib actually had the class to come clean about his drug use WITHOUT being caught and painted into a corner; this demonstrates the possible quality of character to be a decent human being on the inside. The Patriots don't like it when their players have a conscience. By the way, I'm really glad Roger Goodell had the courage to strip the Patriots of their 31st pick, while leaving them this 7th selection. Damn, he really showed them. It's nice to see that actions have consequences in the NFL, unless you're a coach. Or white.

8. Baltimore Ravens
WHAT THEY NEED: Hope, QB, CB, DL.
WHO THEY'LL TAKE: Mike Jenkins, CB. Samari Rolle cannot do this all by himself. With poor old McNair finally bowing to the inevitable (at least he has a Super Bowl ring to comfort himself with), and Kyle Boller continuing to be absolutely worthless in every conceivable way, it's time for Troy Smith to step up. Is he ready? Probably not. But they invested in him, and would be stupid to take another QB here.
WHY THEY'RE STUPID: They're Baltimore. Also, Ray Lewis owns that team; he is insane, but he is the only thing holding it together. If the Ravens wish to please him, they should just go ahead and sign his little brother, Keon Lattimore (RB, Maryland), so that Ray can bask in the entitlement he so clearly needs to keep the Ravens train running on time. It's the exact same principle of sacrificing to Zeus so he won't destroy your peninsula with his wrath.

9. Cincinnati Bengals
WHAT THEY NEED: DT, WR.
WHO THEY'LL TAKE: Sedrick Ellis, DT. He's not as tall as some other DTs on the board, but he is extremely competitive and a gifted reader of offenses, not to mention a beast at stopping the run.
WHY THEY'RE STUPID: Chad Johnson wants to get out of Cincinnatti the way Jack Shepard wants to get off the island: he will never stop until he gets away, regardless of the horrific acts he may have to perpetrate. Might as well take a WR to insure yourselves against hia defection.

10. New Orleans Saints
WHAT THEY NEED: LB, DT, CB.
WHO THEY'LL TAKE: Leodis McKelvin, CB. They need a franchise guy there, and newly acquired Randall Gay probably ain't it.
WHY THEY'RE STUPID: Their need at linebacker is dire. Drew Brees and Reggie Bush cannot succeed all by themselves, as they aptly demonstrated last season.

FEARLESS QUARTERBACK PREDICTIONS
1. Andre Woodson, Kentucky. Some people have concerns about Andre; I do not. He is a freaking beast, he can read defenses really well, he has a laser rocket arm, and he's extremely accurate. He has the best potential of any QB in this draft.
2. Dennis Dixon, Oregon. Right before Dixon got injured, people were speaking reverently about him in connection with the Heisman Trophy, the national championship, and the Presidency of the United States. Then he slipped right off the radar as his team imploded without his skill and leadership. Guess what? He's all better now, and eager to prove it to any team willing to take a chance on him. Dennis Dixon could be the next...you know what? Dennis Dixon is good enough to just be himself, with no comparisons to anyone else.
3. Joe Flacco, Delaware. I can't believe a player from Delaware is on my top ten list, but he's ten feet tall and extremely efficient on-field. His stats speak for themselves, and every bit of information about him bleats about leadership and intelligence.
4. Brian Brohm, Louisville. I am showing a lot of faith in him, considering his history of grotesque injuries. If he can stay healthy, he can be a calm and cool signal caller. Great arm strength, too, but he needs to be on a team that can protect him.
5. Chad Henne, Michigan. Chad "Can't Win The Big One" Henne might actually do okay if he has a decent team around him.
6. Erik Ainge, Tennessee. Erik Ainge is the tits. He has Manning potential (Eli, but still, that's pretty good).
7. John David Booty, USC. To be totally honest, I don't think Booty is that great, and don't really feel he'll be that successful...but I feel better about him than about any of these three losers coming up.
8. Colt Brennan, Hawaii. That Sugar Bowl really hurt; it remains to be seen if he can work in the NFL.
9. Josh Johnson, San Diego
10. Matt Ryan, Boston College

CONTROVERSIAL RUNNING BACK PREDICTIONS
1. Steve Slaton, WVU. People want to be all down on Slaton, but I still feel he's a pimp.
2. Darren McFadden, Arkansas
3. Rashard Mendenhall, Illinois
4. Jamaal Charles, Texas. TONS of potential.
5. Benjarvis Green-Ellis, Mississippi. Superb name, SEC speed and beastliness.
6. Felix Jones, Arkansas
7. Tashard Choice, Georgia Tech
8. Kregg Lumpkin, Georgia. I liked to call him Fatty Lumpkin. I'm glad he's gone.
9. Jonathan Stewart, Oregon
10. Keon Lattimore, Maryland. 'Sko Terps.
11. Lex Hilliard, Montana

BATSHIT CRAZY WIDE RECIEVER PREDICTIONS
1. Limas Sweed, Texas
2. DeSean Jackson, California
3. Devin Thomas, Michigan State
4. Malcolm Kelly, Oklahoma
5. D.J. Hall, Alabama.Will he be successful in the NFL? Ask any Tennessee fan, all of whom are still weeping about the way he lit them up during this year's game. (Weeping.) [Those who even believe he exists, since anyone wearing orange appears to be blinded to his presence. --H.]
6. Andre Caldwell, Florida
7. Early Doucet, LSU
8. Jordy Nelson, Kansas State
9. Earl Bennett, Vanderbilt

Posted by Nastinchka at April 23, 2008 07:36 AM