April 26, 2008
"And the seventh seal was opened, and Matt Ryan appeared"
I'm wandering through a poppy field in Antelope Valley fighting off Mojave green rattlesnakes (not a metaphor). Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Joan's Draft Day observations follow...
I just realized that the draft is being shown concurrently with The Cutting Edge on ABC Family. My afternoon just got a lot brighter.
I love how everyone talks about taking McFadden as a "risky pick". News flash: every pick in the draft comes with risk. Just ask the San Diego Chargers and Ryan Leaf. I hate to keep bringing that up, but come on. Every pick is a shot in the dark. You never know what the hell is going to happen. If something had happened to Peyton's already fragile leg during his first season in Indy, we'd be calling him a draft bust right now. You just never know.
I knew I hated Matt Ryan when I read that he asks his teammates to call him "Matty Ice", but hearing it actually come out of his mouth intensified that hate a thousand fold. He looks like a future correspondent, but not one who had an illustrious football career; more like one who was a failure in the league and had to beg ABC Sports to give him a pity job. He looks FORTY-FIVE YEARS OLD.
Jake Long is from Michigan, and I am therefore contractually obligated to refer to him as the devil, but he is kind of cute. I don't approve of the camel colored blazer, which makes him look like an overcooked pancake with no delicious Aunt Jemima, but his face is moderately attractive.
WHAT IS THIS COMMERCIAL, NFL? You don't really have a secret underground base with touch screens that looks like the 24 set, do you? Actually, now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense for Roger Goodell to have a subterranean surveillance lair.
Sign: "The Jets Draft Blunders End Today". Awww, their unfounded hope is cute.
Chris Long looks more like Chad Pennington and Samwise Gamgee's baby than Howie Long's. I mean this as the highest compliment.
I love how they refer to Keyshawn Johnson almost embarrassedly as a former number one pick. How did that work out, Keyshawn?
"I'm Roger Goodell! I am now enforcing time restrictions on the draft! If you don't like it, you can go to hell! I'll ask ze questions! Sign ze papers!' I actually like the streamlined draft times, but that is outweighed by Goodell's obvious douchiness.
It's unclear why they are booing the Dolphins...is it because they have the first pick, because they already publicized who it would be, or because they continue to exist? I have a guess.
They've had all week to make Jake Long's jersey. It's sad that they had to pick up what appears to be a poodle-sized one from TeamPets.com. (I totally just made that site up. Look for it by noon tomorrow.)
First commercial break. Meanwhile, on The Cutting Edge: The New Year's Eve party where Kate and Doug get really close, kiss uncomfortably, and then almost burn each other's faces off with sparklers.
I resent St. Louis taking so long to make their pick. It's not like they haven't known all week that Jake Long was going to go first. They're just toying with New Orleans at this point. They're not going to trade.
Chris Berman is struggling to find a nice way to say that the Rams blow. Steve Young stupidly suggests that what they need is heart. Silly me, I thought they needed talent.
WHAT IS KEYSHAWN WEARING? It appears to be a green and white gingham shirt under a gray blazer, with a salmon tie with black polka dots, and a puce handkerchief in his breast pocket. He looks like he was dressed by a gay Muppet.
Chris Berman asks what the panel thinks of Matt Ryan's potential. There is a ten-second pause of excruciating awkwardness. Then someone finally says that Atlanta needs a quarterback. Ouch.
SERIOUSLY, ESPN? Do we really need to rehash this Vick propaganda? The guy is stupid and he's a dick for abusing animals, but he's serving his time, and we don't need to crucify him all over again.
Oh, HELL NO. I know they didn't just refer to Peyton Manning and Matt Ryan in the same breath.
Matt Ryan is smiling like a vacant-eyed serial killer and pretending to talk on his cell phone, which appears to be a Nokia from 1997.
Oh, now it's smiling. Atlanta's about to make the biggest mistake in their history, besides the time when they thought they could defend themselves against a siege by Sherman. And the wind swept through Georgia...MATTY ICE!
O-ver-ra-ted! You'll regret this, Falcons front office. On the bright side, I'm now 3/3.
MATT RYAN WON THE MANNING AND UNITAS AWARDS? That is a travesty of gargantuan proportions. Hey, how did that Maryland game turn out?
..and now they're calling him a gunslinger. Well, it's good that he doesn't have any high expectations to live up to.
"Winning games" is the first thing that comes to Matt's mind when he thinks Atlanta? That's..curious.
Meanwhile, on The Cutting Edge: Doug vomits all over Nationals in pre-short program nerves. Don't worry, he recovers and they nail it.
And the Raiders surprise me by taking McFadden. It's an interesting choice, and sure to be controversial, but I actually don't hate it. Three reasons it pleases me: the Patriots won't get him, he will have a real chance to shine in Oakland, and he got the high pick he deserved despite the stupid questioning of his character. I think it's a mistake for ANYONE to pass on Dorsey, but McFadden's selection here is understandable, and I am happy for him.
Darren McFadden's nephew/son/whatever is impeccably dressed. He is dapper.
Dorsey looks politely confused. Don't worry, Glenn, your moment is coming. I'll say that the Chiefs take Glenn Dorsey, and Gholston falls to the Jets (or further). I don't think Gholston is that good a pick, aside from his name being really fun to say, and that should ensure that the Jets take him. Hey, that reminds me...say hi to D'Brickashaw Ferguson for me!!
Meanwhile, on The Cutting Edge: Doug and Kate do tequila shots, then he carries her back to the room piggyback while she wears a fur coat, a shot which was conceived when Moira injured her ankle and had to wear a cast. Hell yeah, I've watched the cast commentary.
AWWWW, GLENN DORSEY SHOWS HUMAN EMOTION. He is ADORABLE. Five years from now, I can think of at least two teams that are going to REALLY regret passing on Dorsey. Great pick by Kansas City.
Fifty seconds remaining for the Jets to agonize over a pick and inevitably make the wrong decision.
Wow, awesome job, Jets!! You took a player from a team that can dominate a schedule full of pansies, then completely fall apart against a team with even marginal talent...TWO YEARS IN A ROW! (Actually, Gholston is good, but I just needed to throw that in. SEC!! SEC!!)
Meanwhile, on The Cutting Edge: "BUTTON THE DAMN BUTTON!"
Apparently, the Saints are trying to trade with the Patriots, presumably to get Sedrick Ellis. The Patriots don't want him, but now they'll probably take him, just out of spite. Once more, GREAT JOB PUNISHING THE PATRIOTS WITH A NUMBER SEVEN PICK, ROGER.
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ED ORGERON!!!! Hell yeah, represent for da Coach O.
Oh, wow, the Pats actually traded the pick to New Orleans. What the hell did they have to do to get this? I don't even like to imagine. Good choice, New Orleans; Sedrick is a great fit for you.
Ravens on the clock. I don't understand why everyone thinks they should take a high-dollar QB. They have Troy Smith!! They JUST got him! He's going to get his shot now! If Baltimore wastes a pick on a QB without even trying Troy as QB1, I'm going to be really, really angry.
...and as soon as I say that, the Ravens trade their pick to the Jaguars. Now THAT is interesting. I wonder who is tickling their fancy so much that they would sell their souls to Baltimore to get him? Here's hoping it's Jerod "I'm a TOTAL STEAL, BABY" Mayo.
Why is it taking so long for Jacksonville to pick? Did they just trade with Baltimore for no reason?
I do not want to hear Chris Berman opining on "what sweat is", EVER.
DERRICK HARVEY? FORSERIOUS? Worst pick so far. Well, not worse than Matt Ryan. Derrick Harvey is NOT a top ten draft pick. I am agog. What a waste of a trade.
Meanwhile, the Ravens made out like BANDITS, receiving four picks. And for what? Nothing. Nice job, Jacksonville. (Violent rolling of eyes)
Keith Rivers is awash in a sea of grinning family members, so it appears he's the newest Cincinnati Bengal. My condolences to him, but congratulations on the team to a good pick.
This is totally selfish, but I get bored when the top draft picks are all linemen, defensive players, etc. I want a high-profile QB/RB/WR shootout.
That was the most hilarious shot I have ever seen; they cut to the Bengals Draft Party, and the room was totally silent; no one was clapping or smiling, and the general atmosphere was one of quietly confused rage.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONONONONONONONONONOOOOOO
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NO
...I'm torn between my delight that Jerod Mayo is a top ten pick, and my sad disgust that I will never, ever be able to cheer for him again.
Update from Holly: I JUST GOT HOME AND FLIPPED ON ESPN AND THE MUSIC THEY'RE PLAYING BEHIND THE TALKING HEADS IS THE SONG FROM KATE AND DOUG'S FINAL ROUTINE IN THE CUTTING EDGE. THE UNIVERSE IS FOLDING IN ON ITSELF.
Posted by Nastinchka at April 26, 2008 02:00 PM
"AWWWW, GLENN DORSEY SHOWS HUMAN EMOTION. He is ADORABLE."
Being adorable is a Louisiana thing.
The only worthwhile moment of the whole damn broadcast for me was Dorsey saying he was "happy as all outdoors".
Ryan Leaf wasn't 100% bust. He still holds several NFL 1st half quarterback rushing records for preseason games.
Andre Woodson=a steal right now. He's a great player. Just because Martz ruined his Senior Bowl doesn't mean he won't succeed in the NFL.
Dorsey had a diamond casio digital watch.
I was stunned.