Snarkastic

Love is blind, barefoot, and pregnant.

For those of you who weren't around for this, let me lay a few things out. I love Jeremy Shockey to distraction. He's my favorite non-Colt NFL player by a light-year. He is, as near as we can tell, an utter bastard, a complete fucking lunatic, and a monstrous human being, and "human being" is pushing it, but my affection for him is as strident as it is inexplicable. Seeing him leave New York with a Super Bowl ring is second in pure satisfaction only to seeing Peyton with one.

I can't stop thinking about this trade. NEW ORLEANS?? It'd be television enough to send him home to MIA or out to Oakland, but let's set aside his proximity to Bourbon Street for a second. To put him in a dome with an offensive coach like Sean Payton and have him catching passes from Drew Brees? There is a better than legitimate chance here for Shockey to become a huge fucking star. God bless America.

In honor of this eventuality, just to get us in the mood, I have collected a year's worth of pertinent Laff Riot excerpts below, chronologically.

5:38:43 PM Livia: This is a distraction. This is a fire in a barrel. This is a distraction in a fire in a barrel. Any questions?
5:39:38 PM Livia: (Jeremy Shockey voice) DUCKS FLY TOGETHER!
5:39:58 PM Livia: I think Jeremy Shockey watches those movies weekly. It would help explain the insane light in his eyes.
5:40:40 PM Nastinchka: I bet he has a Gordon Bombay jersey and a Fathead of Lane Smith.
5:40:48 PM Livia: And I think when he savagely hits someone, he gets up in their face and screams GOLDBERG.
5:41:04 PM Livia: I want a Gordon Bombay jersey for my wedding gift.
5:41:06 PM Livia: Make a note of it.
5:41:12 PM Livia: I don't care what you have to do to get it.
5:41:32 PM Nastinchka: That last part goes without saying.
5:42:37 PM Livia: We're team USA, and we're going all the way. I'M FROM THE U, BABY! THE U! (Insane Shockey face)
5:42:51 PM Livia: I adore him.
5:42:59 PM Livia: He's a fucking lunatic.
5:43:29 PM Nastinchka: He's on my all-hottie keeper team
5:43:33 PM Nastinchka: the other girls were scandalized
5:43:58 PM Livia: We only find him attractive because we think he might take us hostage
5:44:17 PM Nastinchka: I'm not seeing the problem here.
5:44:31 PM Livia: Oh, I didn't mean to imply that it was a problem.

2:59:31 PM Livia: they just showed jeremy shockey standing next to a shaken-up Cowboy, then looking disappointed when he managed to get up.
2:59:47 PM Nastinchka: [swoon]
3:00:07 PM Livia: I know.
3:00:37 PM Livia: I wish he could be a Viking. It just seems like a really good fit.
3:01:39 PM Nastinchka: He could pillage me.
3:01:43 PM Nastinchka: For practice.
3:01:53 PM Nastinchka: ...or did you mean the football team?

2:17:21 PM Livia: Freedom isn't free. (I'm from the U, baby!! The U!!!!"
2:17:33 PM Nastinchka: Last Orange Bowl game today!
2:18:04 PM Livia: I can promise you Shockey is there
2:18:11 PM Livia: He has probably chained hiimself to the stadium
2:19:16 PM Nastinchka: Will you stand with him?
2:19:50 PM Livia: Just telllllllllll me what we're fiiiighting for
2:20:08 PM Livia: I want Jeremy to know that it's true, that everything I do, I do it for you.
2:24:46 PM Livia: If I could choose just one person to watch Lord of the Rings for 11 hours with, it would be you. If I could choose two, it would be you and Sean. If I could choose three, it would be you, Sean, and Jeremy Shockey. I imagine him in full Rohan garb, screaming along with Theoden and re-enacting the Battle of Helm's Deep with marshmallows and gummi bears and real human blood.

6:46:07 PM Swindle: holy fuck offsides for breakfast
6:46:10 PM Nastinchka: Jimmy Johnson looks like my mom in Aspen from the forehead up.
7:00:23 PM Nastinchka: JEREMY SHOCKEY'S GOIN
7:00:26 PM Nastinchka: TO THE SHOW
7:00:28 PM Nastinchka: (ON CRUTCHES)
7:00:45 PM Swindle: He'll be hammered and falling off his crutches all night
7:00:55 PM Nastinchka: Just how I like him best. Easy pickins.
7:01:01 PM Nastinchka: Eli, just don't faint.
7:01:33 PM Swindle: Tom Coughlin looks like he slept in a kiln
7:04:14 PM Nastinchka: WOOOOWEE PACKERS WIN THE TOSS AND THE HEART OF AMERICA
7:04:23 PM Swindle: YEAH PASCAL!
7:04:29 PM Swindle: PROBABILITY IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!
7:10:18 PM Nastinchka: Wow, he gunslingered the hell out of that INT.
7:10:32 PM Swindle: See the running back right there? With an easy five yard catch?
7:10:41 PM Nastinchka: That was the clutchest OT miscue I've ever seen.
7:10:51 PM Swindle: Tom Brady would have positively impregnated that for an easy first
7:13:09 PM Swindle: "Well, we win as a team, and we lose because of Bret Favre."
7:13:10 PM Nastinchka: Tom Coughlin: "GET OFF MY LAWN!"

11:29:06 AM Livia: Also, I need to tell you something.
11:29:21 AM Nastinchka: ...
11:29:31 AM Livia: You know how I've always preferred Matt Saracen as a dumber, less attractive Pacey, with better friends and arm strength?
11:29:40 AM Nastinchka: oh, dear.
11:30:05 AM Livia: After you posted those side by side photos of Shockey and Riggins, I watched Friday Night Lights, and I was OVERWHELMED by just how sexy Tim Riggins is.
11:30:11 AM Nastinchka: THANK YOU.
11:30:17 AM Nastinchka: But I saw him first.
11:30:25 AM Livia: Like, I used to think he was just dirty hot, but now I realize he is HOT DIRTY HOT HOT.
11:30:37 AM Nastinchka: I honestly feel you have grown as a person.

11:10:13 AM Nastinchka: I've never had a meteor strike NFL game before.
11:11:52 AM Livia: AND a game between two teams that I don't really want to root against.
11:12:19 AM Livia: I mean, how do you not root for Favre? Or Eli? Because let's be honest: it is the only chance either of them is ever going to have.
11:12:48 AM Nastinchka: I'm finding it pretty damn easy not to root for Favre, just so I don't have to hear the word "gunslinger" ever again. I just want his boyish heart of a champion to go live on a farm and chase squirrels.
11:14:48 AM Livia: It's not his fault people love him, just like it's not our fault people hate us.
11:15:14 AM Nastinchka: Meh. I've made my choice. And I choose a world in which Jeremy Shockey gets a Super Bowl Ring.
11:16:11 AM Livia: He won't accept it. Kind of like hunters have to make the actual kill before they eat the squirrel.
11:16:43 AM Nastinchka: But maybe he thinks if he kills Tom Coughlin with his bare hands and eats his still-beating heart, he gains one transitively.
11:16:46 AM Nastinchka: Everyone wins.
11:18:10 AM Livia: That is true.

8:53:36 PM JHC: It can wait. It's fine.
8:53:48 PM Holly: fine like when a girl says it?
8:53:50 PM Holly: or actually fine?
8:54:15 PM JHC: Fine like when men say it.
8:54:37 PM Holly: JEREMY SHOCKEY SAID IT WAS FINE?
8:54:58 PM JHC: It is no longer fine.

7:07:38 PM Joan: don't you think jeremy shockey would be great in the remake of the cutting edge? he'd be such a perfect dorsey.
7:07:53 PM Holly: Like a cross between cutting edge and beastmaster.
7:08:21 PM Joan: Except, when Kate tells him to button the goddamn button, he would grin that joyful blank grin and then rip her jaw off with his teeth
7:08:33 PM Joan: "Button your JAW back up!"
7:08:36 PM Holly: If it actually happened to Moira Kelly I'd be fine with this.
7:09:58 PM Joan: WAIT
7:10:02 PM Joan: IF JEREMY IS DOUG
7:10:08 PM Joan: THAT MEANS ELI MANNING IS HALE.
7:10:14 PM Holly: jhbjbb
7:10:19 PM Joan: imagine it!!!!
7:10:26 PM Holly: oh, I am.
7:12:17 PM Joan: (sad, forlorn, shocked voice) "Foreplay."

3:14:28 PM Joan: i think its time to bring back nfl draft haiku
3:16:24 PM Joan: I don't know this guy/ Why are you a first-rounder/ That's my purse, DE!
3:19:26 PM Holly: paging Matt Ryan/D-lines will march through you like/Sherman to the sea
3:19:42 PM Joan: WHO IS KENTWAN BALMER
3:19:58 PM Holly: There is no way you spelled that right.
3:20:16 PM Joan: that's what it says on the screen
4:09:56 PM Joan: If Shockey goes to the Saints, I am moving to New Orleans, TOMORROW. Imagine him rampaging through the Quarter.
4:10:09 PM Holly: Yeeeew shall not paaaasss
4:10:24 PM Joan: CHRIS BERMAN CAN HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING
4:10:38 PM Joan: HE JUST SAID "Jeremy Shockey on Bourbon Street", made a face, and trailed off suggestively
4:11:18 PM Joan: Jeremy Shockey traded to New Orleans: Escaped, or Set Loose?

Get fired up, campers--the awesomepocalypse is nigh. And it smells like Brut, Old Milwaukee, and all of God's creatures of the forest in heat.

Posted by Nastinchka at July 22, 2008 05:18 PM