September 07, 2008

Introducing a Grand Experiment

So this is an idea that I've been kicking around for a couple years now and just never got around to, that breaks down the tricky intangible issues inherent in any quality fantasy draft. It's an experimental league with three teams: The All-Hair, All-Name, and All-Felon All-Stars. The teams are small, the league is of the keeper persuasion, and we'll be charting their progress throughout the course of the season to determine, scientifically, whether it's more to your advantage to draft, say, a drunk driver over a guy with a wicked fu manchu.

Meet the teams:

    The All-Name All-Stars

    All-Name All-Stars

  • QB John David Booty
  • RB B.J. Askew
  • RB Madison Hedgecock
  • WR Jerricho Cotchery
  • WR Chad Ocho Cinco*
  • TE Jeb Putzier
  • K Shaun Suisham**
  • D Atari Bigby
  • D D'Qwell Jackson
  • D Lawyer Milloy
  • D Madieu Williams

    • *Replacing the tragically cut Craphonso Thorpe
    **Replacing the tragically cut Jay Feely
    The All-Felon All-Stars

    All-Felon All-Stars

  • QB Colt Brennan
  • RB Jamal Lewis
  • RB Larry Johnson
  • WR Chris Henry
  • WR David Tyree
  • TE Jerramy Stevens
  • K Sebastian Janikowski
  • D Leonard Little
  • D Tank Johnson
  • D Ray Lewis
  • D Joey Porter
How This All Works:
  • Draft: We scrolled through all players projected to score any number of points this season to make our initial drafts. Where cuts had to be made, we took the higher-projected player in the interest of the experiment. (So, in order to skew this towards players whom you might actually draft, a better-ranked player with a credit card fraud record will take precedence over a benchwarming murderer.)
  • Keepers: Injured players will not be replaced. We're looking for longevity as well as point production. Every effort was made to draft only players that are actually going to see the field this season, but at some positions there was just no choice but to draft a third-stringer to fill the roster. That's science. The Felons team has multiple players serving suspensions to start the season. They will not be replaced, because that's the danger of drafting a felon, natch.
  • And speaking of Team Skid Row: The team might be better-named "All-Felony Arrest All-Stars", because we had to fudge a little as far as actual convictions to fill our team. There's an alarmingly low number of actual convicted felons on active rosters. (There's also no comprehensive list to be found anywhere on the internets. Is this America??)
  • Thing We Learned: Defensive players, as a group? Way, WAY more likely to get arrested for something really bad than offensive players. Or does a profession where your sole job is to hit people, as opposed to catching/throwing/kicking a ball, attract more of a criminal element? Theories welcome.
  • Hair team: Also fudged, a little, because a large proportion of the league starts the dog days of August freshly shorn. Where you are puzzled by a choice, be assured that they were selected for their proven propensity for either feathered-and-lethal raven's manes when grown out (David Carr), off-field wig choices (Clinton Portis), or outstanding achievements in late-season beards (George Wilson). Players in any stage of threatening to sprout mullets were given priority consideration.
  • Consideration was given to adding a fourth team, the All-Vol All-Stars, but it was scrapped when we realized it would have decimated the felony arrest lineup.

    • I'm legitimately excited to see where this goes, which I suppose says nothing good, but too late now: The season is upon us. Now let us have it: Who'd we miss? What other All-Star teams are worthy of inclusion? Let's make some science.

    Thanks to Peter, Janie, and Colin for their draft day assistance.

    Posted by Nastinchka at September 7, 2008 11:34 AM

    Comments

    This is the funniest thing you have ever done, including the time you strangled yourself falling out of the hammock.

    Posted by: Stella at September 7, 2008 01:37 PM

    Craphonso Thorpe's disappearance from the roster is not a tragedy. It's a crime.

    Posted by: Shea at September 7, 2008 02:44 PM

    Question for future years: If J Leman ends up good enough to make one of these teams, does he make the all-name or all-hair team?

    Posted by: SpartanDan at September 7, 2008 04:00 PM

    How can you even THINK of having an All Felon team and leave off Michael Vick?

    Posted by: yardman5508 at September 7, 2008 04:31 PM

    Because he's not...playing...football?

    Posted by: Holly at September 7, 2008 04:33 PM

    Shaun Rodgers' mohawk could be considered for any All-Hair team defensive squad in the future.

    Posted by: Signal to Noise at September 7, 2008 05:05 PM

    Once again we all feel the terrible pain caused by Taco Wallace not being a decent enough receiver to even make a team (even in Canada!).

    Posted by: Jef at September 7, 2008 06:24 PM

    I'm disappointed that Quadtrine Victavian Hill didn't make the Names team.

    Posted by: Bus at September 10, 2008 03:25 PM
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