Snarkastic

The Technicolor Top 10:
NCAA Week 2--The Bat, The Cat, and The Purple Pirate

Our cracked top ten poll, heavy on spite and light on logic, returns by popular demand mob decree for a second year.

We're back, motherfuckers. Written by Livia, illustrated by Nastinchka, all money and no class.

I am proud to present the First Annual Batman Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 1 & 2 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of puns so awful they make you want to put a razor and your mouth and swish it around. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Harvey Harvey Harvey Dent, Passive-Aggressive Secretaries Wearing Black Vinyl, Nicole Kidman, British character actors who do better Brooklyn Mafia accents than actual members of the Brooklyn Mafia, hot villains that you totally want to bed despite knowing that makes you a probable pyschopath, And Coach Anatomically Correct If Creepy Bat-Nipples.

If you harbored any thought that we would dispense with The Perpetual Head Of Lou Holtz this season, well, just go on and put that out of your mind.

I could tell you that the reason the poll wasn't released until Week Two is that I feel the preseason polls are the most damaging aspect of college football, placing inferior teams in arbitrary rankings and spoiling the chances of those with legitimate talent. I could tell you that the first week alone often isn't enough to make a complete and in-depth assessment of a team's potential. So I will; I will tell you both of those things. Welcome back!

1) Oklahoma
LT. GORDON SAYS:
The pollsters wouldn't put Oklahoma on a pedestal, so they're layin' their opponents on a slab! They look better than anyone else in the country...stronger, faster, more homicidal. Right now the name of their game is Sam Bradford, who threw for 395 yards and 5 touchdowns against Cincy. Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint. No other alias. He simply...is. Mammals, a day of reckoning is coming! The same Big 12 team that saw you crawl from the primordial soup will reclaim the planet. And there will be no one to protect you!

2) Missouri
LT. GORDON SAYS:
JUICE WILLIAMS: Okay, go ahead. Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean, it's not like you can just kill me.
MISSOURI DEFENSE: Actually, it's a lot like that.

The Tigers may have played a candy-ass opponent this week in Southeast Missouri State (actual school!), but their opener against the Fighting Illini was equally impressive. I hate to rank a team whose quarterback appears to be a 46 year old man fresh off the couch, still brushing the potato chip crumbs out of his neckbeard and burping the alphabet, but Missouri has left me no choice. Unlike some other teams in this countdown, their schedule still includes some legitimate foes, so the honor goes to them.

3) USC
LT. GORDON SAYS:
PETE CARROLL: Are you really the coach of the most dangerous program in the country?
AL GROH: (Voice breaking) No.
PETE CARROLL: No? Then why do you act like him?
AL GROH: He's a symbol... that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.
PETE CARROLL: Yeah, you do, Al. You *really* do!

Full disclosure: I actually like Mark Sanchez, which is important because it's the first time in recorded history that I have looked at a USC player and not wanted to make a pencil disappear into his orbital socket. He is a great athlete, and his earnestness is appealing. That pleasant little surprise aside, you can't possibly expect me to reward USC for opening their season with a hopelessly mismatched trip to Virginia. It also wasn't fair of them to make sure Tiki Barber would be on campus to ensure a negative attitude in the Cavalier locker room. All in all, don't open your season with a cupcake and a bye and think that this automatically makes you the best team in the nation. Overrated teams thrive on the indulgence of society's understanding. I look forward to your inevitable downfall. Thanks so much!

4) Texas
LT. GORDON SAYS:
Colt McCoy is looking good, but if we learned anything last season, it's that Texas will crumble like a sweet muffin without him. That offensive line needs to make sure they are prepared for Arkansas, because Bobby Petrino has personally equipped the defense with a weaponized hallucinogen designed to make McCoy see horrible demons with flaming eyes.

Colt can be destroyed, or locked up. But if he makes himself more than just a man, if he devotes himself to an ideal, and if they can't stop him, then he becomes something else entirely. A legend. I'm not counting Texas out.

5) Florida
LT. GORDON SAYS:
Know your limits, Master Meyer. Florida may have dominated Hawaii, and pulled away from Miami, but the Gator offense has looked sluggish in the first half of both games. Sometimes (Hawaii) you can get away with that. Sometimes (SEC opponent) you cannot. You should have learned this last year, at LSU, and then again at the Cocktail Party. Didn't you get the memo?

6) Auburn
LT. GORDON SAYS:
Gentlemen of the SEC West, it's time to spread the word. And the word is...panic. This offense looks terrifying, and Tommy Tuberville is clearly the Ra's al-Ghul of the conference. Keep your eye on Auburn.

7) LSU
LT. GORDON SAYS:
Some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn. Les Miles is one of these men. The fact that his most explosive playmakers have made the jump to the NFL will not make a damn iota of difference to this man. He will still run impossible trick plays and make the ballsiest calls in football. He just doesn't care. Don't overlook LSU because you think they've lost their power. Miles is their greatest strength, and he remains.

8) Wisconsin
LT. GORDON SAYS:
Surprise, Ohio State! I am your new cell mate in the Big Ten. And I'm here to make your life a living hell. Prepare for a bitter harvest. Winter has come at last. QB Allan Evridge has the unenviable task of replacing cyborg Tyler Donovan, but is off to an impressive start.

9) Georgia
LT. GORDON SAYS:
I hate to disappoint you, Georgia, but my rubber lips are immune to your charms.

Perhaps you're asking yourself how I can justify ranking Georgia ninth when the AP poll has them second. The reasons are legion, but here are the big two.
1) I believe Matthew Stafford to be the most overrated player in college football. He is surrounded by talent, but lacks any real It Factor of his own.
2) I've witnessed what happens to Georgia the first time something goes wrong. The wheels come off. The fans turn against them in seconds. The coaches become so frustrated that they can't function. The players make stupid mistakes and try to force big plays, which results in manifold turnovers. Georgia does not make it through this season unscathed...I guarantee you. And the first time they lose, there won't be a comeback like the one they made after the Tennessee game last year. Last year, they were just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen. THIS year, the high expectations will slowly break them. Mark me. MARK ME.

Just in case you still think my logic is biased, allow me to remind you that I have no reason to be bitter: 35-14.

10) East Carolina
LT. GORDON SAYS:
Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.

LEE CORSO: You know what they say? They say West Virginia can't be killed. They say Pat White drinks blood. They say...
SKIP HOLTZ: I say... you're full of shit, Corso. Oh, uh, you can quote me on that.

We are living in a world where a team like East Carolina, heretofore known primarily for their badass purple uniforms [and pirate mascot! --H], can deliver back-to-back upsets of presumably superior teams. I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but suddenly I feel so...much...yummier about this season. They've introduced a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. Skip Holtz is an agent of chaos. [Can we drop the WV AD's office into a vat of acid for hiring Bill Stewart? Thank you. --H.]

Misc.

TENNESSEE
Why so serious, Vols fans? The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming. Sure, our new offense looked like shit. Sure, Crompton looked like a Pee-Wee third-stringer. Sure, we lost to an inferior opponent. Put all that aside; it is of no consequence. We lost some humiliating games last year and still won the SEC East, where we almost beat the 2-loss national champions. I believe that what doesn't kill you makes you...stranger. And stranger things have happened than Tennessee making an unbelievable turnaround. Go Vols!

JONATHAN CROMPTON [confusedly]: The receiver goes out, and then I throw the football. No-no, wait, wait, wait, wait. I throw the football and *then* the receiver goes out...no, WAIT!

COLORADO
Joygasm! The majestic Buffs are 2-0! And I thought MY jokes were bad. They actually look better than anyone has a right to expect.

WEST VIRGINIA
Morgantown's time has come. Like Constantinople or Rome before it, the city has become a breeding ground for suffering and injustice. Somebody needs to give Pat White one of those blue flowers that grow near the League of Shadows' headquarters, and hope it will freak him out enough to wake his ass up. [I would like to point out at this time that Pat White can neither block for nor pass to himself. WFV's players are no longer afraid of their coach, and that's a real problem. --H.]

ALABAMA
NICK SABAN: Look around you, Bowden: you'll see a referee, a line judge, a head linesman, and a field judge. Now, I wouldn't have a second's hesitation of blowing your head off right here and right now in front of 'em. Now, that's power you can't buy! That's the power of fear. Perhaps you'll think twice next time before daring to tackle Julio Jones.

For if knowledge is power, then a GOD AM *I*! [pauses] Was that over the top? I can never tell.

We all know that Alabama looked faster than a black Tumbler in their opener against Clemson; however, they struggled against a feisty Tulane team this weekend. Their problems with consistency will come back to haunt them later in this season, but I foresee some big wins for them.

BYU-WASHINGTON
You thought we could be a decent team in an indecent time. But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance. The kind of chance that would allow for an amazing last-minute touchdown, but also for a completely ridiculous celebration penalty that ending up costing you the game. There's nothing for me to do but say I'm sorry.

OHIO STATE
Ohio State: the most overrated team in the nation::
a) Chris O'Donnell: the ruination of the Batman franchise
b) Neon paint and strobe lights: Tim Burton's franchise vision
c) All of the above.

MARYLAND
If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It's time to feast! Maryland looked good in the opener, and it was great to have Steffy back. But then, just like last year, Steffy got sidelined with a pesky minor injury just persistent enough to cause real problems. And also just like last year, Chris Turner: Hobbit of College Park stepped in. I loves me some Chris Turner, but I understand that he needs time to get back into the rhythm of leading this team. I still think Maryland can be damn, damn good this year. You'll see. Jordan Steffy is the QB Maryland deserves, but not the one it needs right now. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector...a dark Terp.

Posted by Nastinchka at September 8, 2008 12:02 AM