Snarkastic

Laff Riot 91: GOD, WE AIN'T PLAYIN'

In chronological(ish) order, our impressions of the first two fall Saturdays, and crab people hell panic.

4:39:49 PM Nastinchka: BEST OF LOU HOLTZ PEP TALKS ON ESPN
4:40:08 PM Swindle: RECORD
4:40:11 PM Nastinchka: RECORDING
4:40:17 PM Nastinchka: I missed some of it
4:40:44 PM Nastinchka: "The only difference between champ and chump is u"
4:40:46 PM Nastinchka: NO!
4:40:51 PM Nastinchka: Lou's pep talk put to bed!
4:40:55 PM Nastinchka: They said they aren't doing it anymore
4:41:03 PM Swindle: !!!!
4:41:06 PM Swindle: NOOOOOOOO
4:41:06 PM Nastinchka: ...um, and they
4:41:11 PM Nastinchka: are replacing it
4:41:16 PM Nastinchka: with something called "ask dr. lou"
4:41:19 PM Nastinchka: THERE IS A JINGLE
4:41:36 PM Nastinchka: IT'S AN ADVICE SEGMENT AT HALFTIME
4:41:38 PM Nastinchka: YOU HAVE TO GET ON THIS
4:41:46 PM Nastinchka: It will also come with a thought for the week
4:42:05 PM Swindle: ARE WE GOING TO BE TYPING IN ALL CAPS ALL SEASON LONG?
4:42:13 PM Swindle: I AM FINE WITH THIS
4:42:24 PM Nastinchka: AS LONG AS LOU IS ON THE SCREEN IT SEEMS TO MAKE SENSE

10:44:24 PM Nastinchka: CRAAAAAB PEOPLE
10:44:33 PM 'Box: Goood effin' lord can the world get any stranger?
10:44:46 PM Nastinchka: This is almost as much fun as Lieberman
10:44:49 PM Nastinchka: which is saying something
10:45:05 PM 'Box: Republicans are FUNNY
10:45:08 PM 'Box: I never knew
10:45:16 PM Nastinchka: This is gonna be great television
10:45:31 PM 'Box: I want Joe Rogan to moderate
10:45:35 PM Nastinchka: gross.
10:45:43 PM 'Box: and I want them both lowered into vats of LIVE CRABS
10:45:53 PM 'Box: ......
10:45:58 PM Nastinchka: HAAAAA
10:46:15 PM 'Box: I didn't say I wanted Joe Rogan to talk
10:46:24 PM 'Box: I just want him to push the CRAB VAT Button
10:46:35 PM 'Box: That's all, and pay him $100,000
10:46:51 PM 'Box: In suitcases.

7:09:48 PM Nastinchka: OK, upon first impression, the Dr. Lou experience is like something you and I would come up with as a joke, then scrap 10 minutes in.
7:09:55 PM Nastinchka: Only they ran with it, and they have a national TV network.

11:06:17 AM PB: Did you see that Colt photo?
11:06:50 AM Nastinchka: I was all set to bust out a + million cocktails for use of the word "giddyup" (a personal favorite) AND THEN I SAW THAT PICTURE AND WENT BLIND, the end.
11:07:44 AM Nastinchka: I managed to convey my disgust through a Flashdance joke, though
11:07:47 AM Nastinchka: I'm sure you're relieved.

9:40:42 AM Swindle: I reserve the right to use the term "Goober Grape" syndrome to describe the flaw in combining in-conference games with head.
9:41:08 AM Swindle: The mixed PB&J that comes in a jar.
9:40:50 AM Nastinchka: ...
9:40:57 AM Swindle: Two good things that should not be combined in a single entity.
9:41:11 AM Nastinchka: And often ends in broken glass and sticky puddles
9:41:18 AM Nastinchka: Oh, I know what it is. Ever drop one of those?
9:41:25 AM Swindle: No.
9:41:24 AM Nastinchka: You might as well move.
9:41:27 AM Nastinchka: It never comes out.

6:50:53 PM PB: Is it just wrong to name my team Vince Young's Cock?
6:51:26 PM Nastinchka: There are teenagers in our league
6:51:30 PM Nastinchka: in Catholic school.
6:51:33 PM PB: There you have it.
6:51:50 PM PB: (Their minds will be blown when they get to college and learn that VY can cut diamonds with that thing.)
6:52:10 PM Nastinchka: Ah, fall.
6:52:13 PM Nastinchka: Leaves are turning
6:52:21 PM Nastinchka: Animals grow shiny winter coats
6:52:29 PM Nastinchka: and Peter turns once again to waxing poetic on VY's dong.
6:52:36 PM PB: [slurp]

11:54:20 AM Nastinchka: Bruins Nation just crashed Firefox.
11:54:32 AM Nastinchka: Joke goes here ---> ....loading....loading....
11:54:53 AM Nastinchka: LIKE MY BROWSER WAS ANY OF THE THREE STARTING QUARTERBACKS THEY'VE ROLLED THROUGH THIS CALENDAR YEAR
11:55:04 AM Swindle: LOLsen'd
11:55:15 AM Nastinchka: Also:
11:55:17 AM Nastinchka: "please be respectful of our community and our school. You can bet we will return the favor. "
11:55:20 AM Nastinchka: NESTOR MADE A FUNNY

:03:18 PM Nastinchka: I just noticed I put Musberger's head on a black dude
1:03:22 PM Nastinchka: (it was late)
1:03:24 PM Swindle: That's the best part
1:03:35 PM Nastinchka: I had no idea
1:03:46 PM Nastinchka: it was 4 AM or whatever and I was up googling MAN IN GUTTER and it was the largest image file I could find that was angled the right way
1:03:49 PM Nastinchka: which, don't ever google that.
1:03:59 PM Nastinchka: Or "girls and snakes"
1:04:02 PM Nastinchka: Trust me.
1:04:08 PM Swindle: LOL
1:04:16 PM Nastinchka: IT WAS FOR A CALENDAR
1:04:19 PM Nastinchka: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HOT

9:14:02 PM Barstoolio: I WATCHED A FOOTBALL GAME!!!!
9:14:16 PM Barstoolio: And then I almost went to jail
9:14:32 PM Barstoolio: but fortunately the fact I forgot all my pants meant I was in a low-cut dress
9:14:56 PM Barstoolio: and I got off scott-free despite having only one working headlight
9:15:03 PM Barstoolio: no proof of insurance
9:15:07 PM Barstoolio: an expired tag
9:15:12 PM Barstoolio: no registration
9:15:21 PM Barstoolio: a passenger out of a seatbelt
9:15:34 PM Barstoolio: and an open container in the backseat (they didn't see that one).
9:15:57 PM Nastinchka: ...
9:16:16 PM Barstoolio: This is an omen for the season.
9:16:18 PM Barstoolio: I know it.
9:16:19 PM Nastinchka: You're a hero.
9:16:45 PM Barstoolio: Did I miss anything?

10:01:36 AM Nastinchka: Help me name my Yahoo tailgate column thing something uncringeworthy?
10:01:45 AM Swindle: What's your angle?
10:02:00 AM Nastinchka: Travelogue-y
10:02:05 AM Nastinchka: pretty straightforward
10:02:12 AM Swindle: Okay.
10:02:21 AM Swindle: The Fanterbury Tales
10:02:27 AM Nastinchka: LOLwaitNO.
10:02:28 AM Swindle: [shoots self in head]
10:03:52 AM Swindle: (Buffalo) Wings of Desire!
10:04:01 AM Swindle: Now I'm in no-man's land.
10:04:02 AM Nastinchka: Sie seht uns nicht. Sie chompt uns nicht
10:04:07 AM Swindle: tadlskafjlhbva;lsdkf
10:04:48 AM Nastinchka: and the crappy sequel, just for the UT UF game. Far Away, So Close
10:05:01 AM Nastinchka: starring Jimmy Ray Stephens as Natassia Kinski
10:05:13 AM Swindle: German Postmodern Expressionism, or Holly's Tailgate Review.
10:05:21 AM Nastinchka: That has possibilities

11:36:34 PM Nastinchka: I love my Yahoo commenters already.
11:36:41 PM PB: Oh?
11:36:42 PM Nastinchka: Exhibit A: "she's so funny!! hhahaa!! sec speeeeed whoooooooo!!!!!! go big organe"
11:36:53 PM Nastinchka: Exhibit B: "hey cvilleone, Jefferson nailed your mother right after Sally Hemings. "
11:36:56 PM Nastinchka: LOVE.
11:37:03 PM PB: lol - awesome!
11:37:10 PM Nastinchka: I feel so welcome!
11:37:16 PM PB: You are!
11:37:16 PM Nastinchka: I'm not even kidding a little bit

4:32:55 PM Swindle: GT: New unis!
4:33:24 PM Nastinchka: ARE THEY BEE STRIPED?
4:33:35 PM Nastinchka: I would buy season tickets if they wore yellow and black striped socks
4:33:40 PM Swindle: That's such a better idea than what they are.

6:39:06 PM Swindle: I'm taking Oregon State over Penn State because I'M BORED AND WANT PENN STATE TO LOSE
6:39:13 PM Swindle: IRRATIONAL
6:39:20 PM Nastinchka: No, that's completely sane.
6:39:33 PM Swindle: I've talked myself into it.
6:39:37 PM Swindle: I know it's bullshit.
6:39:40 PM Nastinchka: I picked GaTech
6:39:53 PM Nastinchka: and my rationale was that it's really really fun to yell BEEEEESSS on a crowded sidewalk.
6:40:03 PM Swindle: Rationally speaking, that is not a bad pick.
6:40:07 PM Nastinchka: right?
6:40:20 PM Swindle: Boston College won't see the ball.
6:40:31 PM Nastinchka: (Seriously, try it sometime. Or "SHARK!" On land.)
6:40:43 PM Swindle: BEEEEEES
6:40:45 PM Swindle: That felt good.
6:40:55 PM Nastinchka: First step, larger world.

5:29:28 PM WorstFan: maam, you are in the stage of crippling addiction where by which the use of alcohol and/or drugs and/or college football starts to cause the user problems (i.e. employment, relationships, legal, physical)
5:29:28 PM Nastinchka (Autoreply): Navy @ Ball State / nap
5:30:10 PM WorstFan: navy-ball state is truly a resin hit in its ashiest state
5:33:31 PM Nastinchka: Oh, no no no
5:33:41 PM Nastinchka: You misunderstand
5:33:49 PM Nastinchka: I was putting the game on, then taking a nap.
5:34:14 PM Nastinchka: But thanks for waking me up right in time for Dr. lou!
5:34:30 PM WorstFan: ahh.. the college football golf nap. that's a whole other entity in and of itself
5:34:37 PM Nastinchka: (That's just as bad, that I find it soothing to sleep to, isn't it.)
5:36:09 PM Nastinchka: I can't even see it, it's around the corner
5:36:24 PM Nastinchka: but just the hum of crashing helmets in the background is nice.
5:37:12 PM WorstFan: amen to that sister... i lost 30 minutes of real time during UK-louisville, came to and had missed punt-turnover-fumble
5:37:20 PM WorstFan: it was just like time travel
5:37:27 PM Nastinchka: SEE?

:27:59 PM Nastinchka: Thank you, Noel.
2:28:26 PM Swindle: Goddamn. What's his body fat?
2:28:38 PM Nastinchka: What body fat?
2:28:38 PM Swindle: Nacho lightning flavored
2:28:52 PM Nastinchka: He's got this third step that's like luigi in super mario 2
2:29:06 PM Swindle: the floaty step
2:29:48 PM Nastinchka: where his widdle legs just run back and forth on the air, yes

12:33:12 PM Nastinchka: Notre Dame's intro doesn't seem to have a lot to do with football.
12:33:38 PM Nastinchka: There's grass. And lights. but no one making a pass or tackle or anything...oh.
12:33:39 PM Nastinchka: Right.

6:10:57 PM WorstFan: MiQuale Lewis is my new second favorite vertically challenged person
6:11:04 PM WorstFan: (#1 is Spurrier's uniformed ball boy son)
6:12:02 PM Nastinchka: I could fit him in my pocket.
6:12:53 PM WorstFan: HOLY SHIT.. what do you think they do to them in Muncie?!?!
6:13:18 PM Nastinchka: Is there sunlight there? Maybe they're raised under grow lamps
6:15:42 PM WorstFan: it's that same scared of the world look, knowing not only are you smaller than 4 vertically stacked 2-liter bottles, but that you could only put up 122 yards on one of the most hilarious nebraska defenses of the last hundred years
6:16:03 PM Nastinchka: Everyone has a skill.

12:30:58 PM Nastinchka: OH, GOD
12:31:07 PM Nastinchka: Tune in for at least the first of ND-SD STate
12:31:11 PM Nastinchka: Jimmy grew his hair out
12:31:13 PM Nastinchka: WAY out
12:31:19 PM Nastinchka: he looks like Hayley Mills

12:39:12 PM Nastinchka: "Jimmy Clausen took some lumps, literally and figuratively". .....
12:39:27 PM Nastinchka: What's figurative about 40 sacks?

12:47:10 PM Swindle: Can you take a picture of Clausen's hair?
12:48:05 PM Nastinchka: I got it from the back
12:48:10 PM Nastinchka: I really need him with his helmet off
12:49:31 PM Nastinchka: Got it
12:49:36 PM Nastinchka: it's his OFFICIAL HEADSHOT
12:49:47 PM Nastinchka: It's....um...a little Shockey-ish.
12:49:50 PM Nastinchka: I'm conflicted.
12:49:54 PM Nastinchka: Like, sexually conflicted.
12:50:19 PM Swindle: Just think of the spindly manframe and weak, colorless mind that lie beneath that mane.
12:50:24 PM Nastinchka: Oh, yes.
12:50:29 PM Nastinchka: But from the forehead up, I'd hit that.
12:50:38 PM Nastinchka: It's the reptilian cortex talking.
12:50:53 PM Swindle: Also, you know that Shockey's got a five-inch thick cock that smells like gunpowder and cookies.
12:50:57 PM Nastinchka: The forehead down, I would hit with my fist.

12:18:02 PM Nastinchka: Interesting, foreboding: All GT's points scored by freshman or sophs
12:18:18 PM Swindle: FUCK YEAH
12:18:25 PM Nastinchka: BEEEEEEEEEEEEES
12:18:28 PM Swindle: You fumble three times, and win on the road? BEEEEEEES
12:18:45 PM Nastinchka: (say with arms flailing like a scared ET.)

12:31:33 PM Swindle: GIGGITY!
12:31:38 PM Swindle: Nutt versus Grobe!
12:31:44 PM Swindle: This is exciting?
12:31:49 PM Swindle: I mean, this is exciting!

9:55:24 AM Swindle: I have to get a screen cap of the Auburn coaches sending their signals in
9:55:35 AM Swindle: It looks like they're auditioning for Grease.
9:56:48 AM Nastinchka: go go go gogogogoogog...funble.
9:56:57 AM Nastinchka: That's a typo, but I'm calling it "funble" when it's Auburn.

10:57:15 AM Nastinchka: Um, fumble for a touchdown
10:57:17 AM Nastinchka: Ohio (the little one)
10:57:19 AM Swindle: DIE BUCKEYE DIE
10:59:47 AM Nastinchka: It's like the Buckeyes are trying to out-inept Michigan
10:59:51 AM Nastinchka: and, as usual, "winning"

9:58:08 AM Swindle: Marshall up 14-7 over Wisconsin in Camp Randall.
10:01:03 AM Nastinchka: !
10:01:20 AM Nastinchka: Remind me why I was bullish on Wisconsin 2 weeks ago?
10:01:38 AM Nastinchka: Oh, yes. Here it is. "Coach's head = perfect trapezoid." Bad idea.
10:01:58 AM Swindle: That's perfectly sound reasoning: he just let you down.
10:02:08 AM Nastinchka: ....you're RIGHT.

11:39:22 AM Nastinchka: Frank. Solich.
11:39:29 AM Nastinchka: Just wanted to throw that out there.
11:43:08 AM Swindle: This is why tOSU if failbound
11:43:22 AM Swindle: They should have the ability to end this game. Right now.
11:43:29 AM Swindle: Instead, punt, keep 'em in it.
11:43:34 AM Nastinchka: I no longer believe they're just hiding the playbook from Pete Carroll.
11:43:57 AM Swindle: Spielman is going to choke himself.
11:44:31 AM Nastinchka: On TV!
11:45:40 AM Nastinchka: Did they de-redshirt Tyrod Taylor?
11:46:03 AM Swindle: Yes. And he really did lead them down to the Furman 5, and then Glennon came in and threw a pick.

11:22:33 AM Nastinchka: Kellen would be proud
11:22:47 AM Barstoolio: He SO would. He should do a diet plan.
11:22:58 AM Nastinchka: We should release a series of Canes diet plans
11:23:10 AM Nastinchka: Irvin = Coke, Shockey = sex with twins, Kellen = The Law
11:25:03 AM Barstoolio: Dorsey: White Bread only
11:26:32 AM Barstoolio: McGahee - sympathy lactating burns soooo many calories

11:47:56 AM Nastinchka: How much do I love a MAC quarterback named Boo?
11:48:02 AM Nastinchka: Numbers just don't cover it
11:48:33 AM Swindle: Does this help?
11:48:41 AM Nastinchka: THAT MUCH
11:48:48 AM Nastinchka: I love him as much as his hair is fuzzy.

10:18:30 PM Nastinchka: OH MY GOD
10:18:34 PM Nastinchka: DOES DAVIE NOT HAVE A PRODUCER
10:18:44 PM Nastinchka: TO TELL HIM HOW TO PRONOUNCE BASIC CONSONANT SOUNDS OF WELL-KNOWN COACHES
10:18:48 PM PB: Unreal
10:18:51 PM PB: All night
10:18:58 PM PB: No one has fucking corrected him
10:19:45 PM Nastinchka: I bet Bob misses Achina.
10:19:52 PM Nastinchka: (seewhatididthere)
10:20:33 PM PB: though i would not want my own daughter to marry muschamp, i would want someone in my family to have their daughter marry him
10:23:02 PM Nastinchka: Yeah, Bob, you're right. "These fans stick around", because if they leave in groups of less than 12 they'll be dragged across the border and sold for kindling

10:47:12 PM Nastinchka: I am so happy right now
10:47:16 PM Nastinchka: except for the CRAB EYES which took me five minutes of laughing to notice and which now have me cowering from the laptop
10:47:22 PM 'Box: Goddamn
10:47:35 PM 'Box: It was the firs thing I noticed. A crab person would make an interesting nominee
10:47:56 PM 'Box: Presidential Debates, directed by Guillermo Del Toro
10:48:06 PM Nastinchka: STOOOOOOOP
10:48:09 PM 'Box: We'll move on
10:48:10 PM Nastinchka: [whimper]
10:48:14 PM 'Box: sorry sorry
10:48:19 PM Nastinchka: I'm going to need all his f'ing movies screened for me from NOW ON
10:48:31 PM Nastinchka: like there weren't enough misplaced eyeball terror in Pan's Labyrinth
10:48:33 PM 'Box: You're going to need his trailers screened for you
10:48:38 PM Nastinchka: DO NOT LIKE.
10:48:42 PM 'Box: we know
10:48:45 PM Nastinchka: (demonstrably)
10:48:47 PM 'Box: we'll talk about anything else
10:49:03 PM Nastinchka: shoeth and shipth and thealing waxth

12:34:47 AM PB: If only Mike Vick were draftable
12:34:55 AM Nastinchka: I've been through everyone I can think of, and most of that document Pacman Jones' lawyer made up with every arrest in the past few years
12:35:02 AM Nastinchka: but I think Tyree and LJ are my best chances
12:35:14 AM Nastinchka: I just can't figure out whether they were convicted as actual felons
12:35:30 AM PB: I think you're far too creative to let that get in the way. Morph the category
12:35:37 AM Nastinchka: [sigh]
12:35:49 AM PB: (Sorry; we're trying to help.)
12:36:08 AM Nastinchka: [no, you're telling me to COMPROMISE MY PRINCIPLES]
12:36:11 AM Nastinchka: THIS IS AMERICA
12:36:23 AM Nastinchka: I SHOULD BE ABLE TO CONSTRUCT AN ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAM FROM CONVICTED FELONS
12:36:34 AM Nastinchka: I should be able to do this from the Ravens, Raiders, and Dolphins alone
12:36:44 AM PB: It is felonious that two otherwise beautiful Tennessee girls would drop their skirts for a neanderthal like Jeremy Shockey
12:37:05 AM Nastinchka: Nice segue. We wouldn't have to drop our skirts.
12:37:11 AM Nastinchka: They would melt off.
12:37:28 AM Nastinchka: (You're never going to talk me out of this, or convince me it's gross.)

9:02:49 AM Nastinchka: Also, on the way in to work today I invented something called LOLpuncturewounds
9:03:05 AM Nastinchka: which is just a picture of a gunshot hole that says OHAI.

Posted by Nastinchka at September 9, 2008 01:23 AM