Snarkastic

The Technicolor Top 10:
NCAA Week 5--Relax, Justin; it's just a cutout.

We very nearly gave up on this after Florida, but where Week 4 knocked us down, Week 5 hardens our hearts. Welcome back. We hate the new clock rules (isn't that convenient for us? And the clock!); we hate Sam Bradford and his -azer O-Line, and we've steeled our resolve to keep on laughing right through the looking glass. Presented by ESPN8: The Ocho...let's dance. ~H.

Written by Livia
Illustrated by Nastinchka

I am proud to present the First Annual GloboGym Purple Cobras Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 4&5 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of highly-trained, quasi-cultural personal alterational specialists. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include blown-glass unicorns, fuckin' Chuck Norris, Ouchtown Population You, poopy-flavored lollipops, low-grade beaver tranquilizers, and Coach Fitness Consigliere Me'Shell.

It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.

1) Oklahoma
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: Here at SoonerGym, we're better than you, and we know it. Bradford's 411 yards and four touchdowns put him at the front of the Heisman race (for now). I saw his face for the first time this weekend, and even though he looks like a 46 year old anesthesiologist from South Dakota, I still think he is a QB to be respected and feared. He's the face for this team, but make no mistake: he is surrounded by ferocious talent. They ARE the Oklahoma Purple Cobras, and they will--they WILL--rock you!! (clap-clap-HISSSSSS)

2) Missouri
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: The AP has Alabama in front of Mizzou? That is pure poppycock! Chase Crawford might not be as svelte and sexy as John Parker Wilson, but all I know is, that dyke can play!

3) Alabama
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: Okay, I admit it; Alabama looks damn strong...for the big games. But they are just as vulnerable to the phenomenon known as overlooking as any other team in the country. They did it in week 2 after dominating Clemson and almost lost to Tulane. TULANE, aka the child the SEC collectively gave up for adoption. (Go Green Wave!) I don't think they're stupid enough to make this mistake against Tennessee in a few weeks, nor do I think we could capitalize even if they did, but it's nice to think about, isn't it? Regardless, that LSU-Bama game looms like the Death Star on the horizon.

NICK SABAN: [gazing towards Death Valley] In thirty days I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap you call a stadium into permanent nothingness. And I can only hope that you, and the mongrel race that comprise your fan base, are inside it when I do.

4) Texas
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: Dignity, pride, athleticism...you name it, the Texas Longhorns took it from the Arkansas Razorbacks this weekend. Colt McCoy gave Bobby Petrino exactly the kind of welcome back to the NCAA that he deserves. With the Horns outscoring opponents 198-36 this season, I think it's appropriate to afford them this number four spot.

5) LSU
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: Let's give Croom some credit; the man went into one of the most hostile environments in college football, coached against a man most closely resembling Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and managed to have his struggling team play the LSU Tigers very closely for sixty minutes. Well done.

LES MILES: This is it, La 'Loser.' You ready for the, whoo, hurricane?
SYLVESTER CROOM: Just don't go cryin' to your mommy when I spank you in front of all these people, Les.
LES MILES: [insanely, gutturally] You don't go cryin' to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face.

6) Penn State
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: I am no fan of the Nittany Lions after the righteous beat down they put on Tennessee a few years ago, and I regret to inform you that JoePa&Co are making a bit of a comeback. This is largely due to Derrick Williams, who is like some kind of touchdown-scoring robot sent back from 2087 to save the inventor who will one day create the titanium-enforced trampoline legs that he runs on. Penn State should be producing nerd biochemists and violin prodigies, not men who score touchdowns three different ways in one game (kickoff return, TD reception, TD run).

JOE PATERNO: Are you reading the dictionary?
DERRICK WILLIAMS: Oh, you caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.

7) Texas Tech
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: The College Football Fates like the freaky stuff, huh? That's cool. I can be naughty, too. Real, freaky naughty. With a winnable schedule ahead (KState, Nebraska, A&M), Tech could be staying here for awhile. They're a bit boring, though, so here's hoping for a galvanizing upset in the next few weeks.

8) BYU
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: You're adopted! Your parents don't even love you! Clearly, BYU does not quite fit in with the other teams in this poll, in terms of talent (Bronco Mendenhall, awesome name notwithstanding, is no Pete Carroll) or atmosphere (Lavell Edwards Stadium does not Death Valley make). I cannot wait to drop them out of this poll, back into the obscurity they so richly deserve...I mean...Go Cougars! (You're going down like a sweet muffin.)

9) South Florida
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: Last I heard, most football teams make money. Your team doesn't. Most teams are worth over $4 million. Your team isn't worth $4. We have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders. I honestly didn't even know Matt Grothe was still at South Florida, but know that I do, I guess I think they have a legitimate chance to do this year what they did last year? I guess? (LIKE A SWEET MUFFIN.)

10) Utah
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: Utah in the Top 10? That guy making the polls must be crazy! Well, I ain't crazy, and I ain't a guy. Utah--no losses, some impressive wins. USC--ridiculous loss. Florida--ridiculous loss at home. Georgia--blowout loss at home. Utah it is!!

MISC.

USC
This was a SHOCKING upset! I feel SHOCKED!

KIRK HERBSTREIT: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a humiliating upset.
PETE CARROLL: [laughing, smiling] What?
[Herbstreit throws wrench at Carroll; it hits him full in the face]

I wouldn't put them back in the polls this week for all of King Midas' silver! Of course, they'll still be USC in a legal sense...still lauded without any merit by the National Sportscasters Named Chet Association, still overrated and allowed to stay in the TOP TEN even after a ridiculous defeat to a clearly inferior team. But you're not quite the same team that was guaranteed a BCS Title Bid, are you? Well, good luck to you, Pete. I'm sure this decision to play the team that upset you so memorably a season ago won't haunt you forever.

Florida
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been to the Great Wall of China, I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt, I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here today! HOUSTON NUTT CAME INTO THE SWAMP. AND WON. AGAINST TIM TEBOW.

LEE CORSO: If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a humiliating upset.
TIM TEBOW: [nervously, but willingly] Here I go!

Your "team" is a skidmark on the underpants of society. That being said, I feel very conflicted about this game. While it obviously pleases me deeply to see a beaten-down team like Ole Miss reap the karma whirlwind that is Houston Nutt, and it makes my soul glow to see the Swamp silenced and made to despair, it also really pains me that I wish OUR quarterback would come out of the locker room after a loss like that with tears in his eyes and guarantee the fans that this will only motivate them and make them stronger, and then APOLOGIZE to them. I hate and love Tim Tebow for making me feel this.

HOUSTON NUTT: I really believe that we can win this game. I'm not intimidated.
URBAN MEYER: Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of sucking with these suckers in the Swamp.
HOUSTON NUTT: Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the SEC.
URBAN MEYER: Yeah, you will take your chances.
HOUSTON NUTT: I know. I just said that.
URBAN MEYER: I know you just said that.
HOUSTON NUTT: Okay, I'm not sure where you're going with this.
URBAN MEYER: Well, I'm not sure where *you're* going with this.
HOUSTON NUTT: That's what I said.
URBAN MEYER: That's what I'm saying to *you*.
HOUSTON NUTT: All right.
URBAN MEYER: ...Touche.

Georgia
Suck failure, freaks. Prepare to be humiliated on cable television!

CHRIS FOWLER: I'm being told that Georgia does not have enough quality players and will be forfeiting the match.
KIRK HERBSTREIT: It's a bold strategy, Chris. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.

Everything I have been predicting since the Sugar Bowl has come to pass. Georgia fell behind and immediately became so frustrated that the Dawgs dug themselves into a 31 point hole at halftime. One thing I will say, though, is that the Georgia fans really shocked me by staying to the end. When they were losing by 6 in the fourth quarter of the Cocktail Party two years ago, they were leaving in droves and telling those of us still cheering to give up because it was over. This is a pleasant, if brief, change of pace. I expect them to return to normal during their next loss. Unfortunately, I am pretty sure I won't be next weekend when Tennessee travels to Athens. Still, CRAM IT UP YOUR CRAMHOLE, GEORGIA.

STAFFORD: Look on the bright side, at least we've still got Knowshon!
GREEN: Yeah, but Saban's got guys named Laser, and Blazer, and Tazer, and all kinds of "azer's"! We're going to get our taints handed to us, that's what!
STAFFORD: [Whispers to Moreno] What's a taint?
MORENO: I don't know, but it sounds *bad*!

Maryland
My sweet dick, it's magic! Maryland has completed TWO beautifully stunning upsets against Top 25 opponents, and it's not even October yet! As a matter of fact, we'd be undefeated right now if Jordan Steffy hadn't been knocked out of the MTSU game and an unprepared Chris Turner hadn't been forced back under center. Now that he's settled in, it is glorious!! Just so we're clear: Tommy Bowden--Frankenstein, Chris Turner--FrankenFINE.

Clemson put up much more of a fight than they did against the Tide, and scared the jeepers out of me in the process. I feel sorry for Clemson, but still...FEAR THE TURTLE.

CHRIS TURNER: [outside his house] Livia? What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?
ME: It's called the Freedom of Information Act, Chris. The hippies finally got something right! Ha-ha! Just kidding. But not really.

Colorado
ME: Ralphiiiie! I love you!
BOBBY BOWDEN: [viciously] JOANIE LOVES CHACHI!

Okay, so THE MAJESTIC BUFFALO dropped one. It's not the end of the world. It will, however, be the end of the world if they lose against Texas and Oklahoma in the coming weeks.

Tennessee
NICK STEPHENS: You need some help leaving, Crompton?
JONATHAN CROMPTON: This doesn't concern you, Stephens.
NICK STEPHENS: Not nearly as much as your passing does, that's for sure, but uh, I believe the fan base asked you to leave.
JONATHAN CROMPTON: (turning towards fans) I get it, you caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils. Pity. To be continued.

I don't even know what to say about the way our season has imploded, except that the entire fan base (including me) believes it to be Crompton's fault. Even if you remove your own emotions from it and do the math, it sill rings true. EVERYTHING comes back to his poor decision-making capacity. Inevitable turnover inside your own 5? Check. Inevitable turnover in the red zone? Check. Inevitable fewer than 40% of passes completed? Check. And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there! I'm curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life? Come on, Foster, I got better runs in my shorts!

FULMER: Yeah, uh, Clawson... are you sure that having Crompton throw on third and ten is completely necessary?
CLAWSON: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
FULMER: Probably not.
CLAWSON: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
FULMER: ...Okay.

Don't think you're getting off the hook here, Clawson. Your offense might have worked for the Richmond Spiders. The 2008 Tennessee Volunteers are not the Richmond Spiders. I mean this as a compliment toward the Richmond Spiders. Richmond Spiders.

Sure do like pumpkin, Cotton.

Posted by Nastinchka at September 30, 2008 09:50 PM