Snarkastic

The Technicolor Top 10:
NCAA Week 6--Nice night for it.

I am proud to present the First Annual Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 6 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of horrifically botched page-to-screen adaptations, brought to you by Chris Columbus. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include mischievous redheaded British twins, Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, Helena Bonham Carter as herself, books that try to eat you, mentally challenged half-giants with disturbing monster fetishes, rampant Francophobia, and Coach Richard Harris Is The Only Dumbledore As Far As I'm Concerned.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

1) Oklahoma
SCABBERS SAYS:
ART BRILES: For God's sake, pull yourself together man. You're going against Oklahoma after all. Got to have your wits about ya...
ROBERT GRIFFIN: The SOONERS? I thought that was a JOKE! We can't play them. We're Baylor! We'll get savaged! And there are...[a howling noise is heard] ...werewolves.
BRILES: Oh, there's more than werewolves in those uniforms, you can be sure of that. Nighty night.

Sam Bradford is brilliant, isn't he? Completely demented, of course. Terrifying to be in the same room with him. But he's really been there, you know? He's looked evil in the eye, and passed to it for 1,665 yards and 18 touchdowns! Attention, Texas: something wicked this way comes. We are living in the golden age of parity*, and it's risky to say that Oklahoma can go unbeaten, but I think if any team in the country can, it's these Sooners.

*87% less golden for Tennessee.

2) Missouri
SCABBERS SAYS: Chase Daniel is a man? Is that what they told you? It looks more like a pig with hair if you ask me. A word of caution: these Tigers are vicious creatures. They will not distinguish between the one they hunt (Texas) and the one who gets in their way (Nebraska). Therefore I must warn each and every one of you remaining on their schedule to give them no reason to harm you. It's not in the nature of a Tiger to be forgiving. But you know happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light. For me, the light is Missouri's hate-filled odyssey against perennial bitch-slapper Nebraska finally ending in a victory after thirty years of nightmarish blowouts and dreams deferred. This loss was humiliating enough to make a normal person feel bad for Nebraska, but as I am still nursing a vitriolic grudge dating back to the forty-year old jobless loser in red body paint and a corncob hat at the 1997 FedEx Orange Bowl in Miami telling me that Peyton Manning was a talentless jackass while I sulked mightily and threw a Defcon Five tantrum, I merely giggled to myself when I saw the final score and enjoyed the wheel of football karma coming back to crush Cornhuskers nationwide.

3) Alabama
SCABBERS SAYS: Five points will be awarded to you for sheer dumb luck. If Kentucky hadn't done a breathtaking impression of Tennessee's offense, down to a young quarterback's heartbreaking and inexplicable errors, Alabama might have lost this game at home instead of holding on to win by 3. Leigh Tiffin is not a good kicker, and Alabama really deflates in the second half. Make no mistake, they are beatable. Just not by Kentucky. And probably not by us. ("Probably"...aren't I cute?)

JOHN PARKER WILSON: [Watching game tape, wincing] Is that really what my hair looks like from the back?

Joker Philips can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. He can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death. Apparently, the one thing he cannot teach Matt Hartline is HOW TO HOLD ONTO THE BALL WHEN BRINGING HIS ARM BACK TO PASS INSTEAD OF THROWING IT BACKWARDS. Disgusting.

REPORTER: Coach, how do you plan to prepare your kicker for big games in the future?

SABAN: [Coldly, madly] Voldemort IS my past, present, and future.

4) Texas
SCABBERS SAYS: There is no good and evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it. Clearly, in a world where good always triumphs, Colorado would have won this series handily. Instead, they were made to look like foul, loathsome, evil little cockroaches who had never even seen a football before in their miserable little lives, MUCH LESS played an actual game with one. This saddens me, because the Buffs truly are a much better team than the one we saw last night. And now Ralphie has to spend a year feeling inferior to a glorified cow that doesn't even know how to rampage and trample people properly. Ugh. McCoy still looks great, but honestly, I don't see them beating Oklahoma next weekend.

CHRIS OGBONNAYA: I'm going to kill you, Buffalo defenders. I'm going to destroy you. After tonight, no one will ever again question my power. After tonight if they speak of you, they'll only speak of how you begged for death. And how I being a merciful Lord... obliged.

5) LSU
SCABBERS SAYS: It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices. And LSU wisely chose to take a bye week in between Mississippi State and a truly formidable stretch of SEC opponents (and Tulane) (go Green Wave!). I think the wheels will come off sometime in the next few weeks. I only hope they decimate Florida before that happens.

6) Penn State
SCABBERS SAYS: Enemies of the Nittany Lions, beware! You'll be next, Mudbadgers. Poor Purdue really looked helpless against a ferocious Penn State defense. This is the second time this season Penn State has won by only fourteen points; all other victories have been by much wider margins. If I were Rich Rodriguez, I would be hiding in a coal mine somewhere. [Back in West Virginia. WHERE HE BELONGS. --H.]

7) Texas Tech
SCABBERS SAYS: I must tell you that this year, attempting to stifle Graham Harrell defensively is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a most painful death. SEVEN TOUCHDOWNS? I mean, I know he played KState, but wow.

Mind your heads.

8) BYU
SCABBERS SAYS: TROLL!!! TROLL IN THE RANKINGS!!!!

Thought you ought to know.

9) Utah
SCABBERS SAYS: What do you want me to say? Half of my top ten is comprised of teams that I am pretty sure some high school teams could beat. Thanks again for everything, Appalachian State!

10) Vanderbilt
SCABBERS SAYS: Although I am contractually obligated to hate Vanderbilt with the fury of a thousand bellowing demons, I am actually a little happy to see them excelling this year. Why? Well, it's cute when fate reverses itself and lets Vandy feel good for once, and it's also fun to see them mopping the floor with their SEC betters. They certainly snatched victory from the jaws of a shutout last night, and I'm happy for them. And I'll be even happier if they go undefeated and then fall to us, their rightful masters.

SORTING HAT: Hmm, difficult. VERY difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad arm, either. There's talent, oh yes. And a thirst to prove yourself. But where to put you?
MACKENZI ADAMS: Not Tennessee. Not Tennessee.
SORTING HAT: Not Tennessee, eh? Are you sure? You could be great, you know. It's all here in your head. And Tennessee can help you on your way to greatness, there's no doubt about that. They love your kind of offensive strengths, and they could really use a strong pocket passer. They're going to recruit you heavily. No?
MACKENZI ADAMS: Anything but Tennessee, anything but Tennessee.
SORTING HAT: Well if you're sure, better be... A COMMODORE!!

[Seriously, loving the hell out of the Vandy ascendancy. Because where else could a guy named "Mackenzi" ever belong? The universe provides. --H.]

MISC.

Florida
He will return tonight! He who betrayed his fans by losing to Ole Miss - whose heart rots with murder! Innocent blood shall be shed and servant and master shall be reunited once moooooooore! [Deep breath] Yeah, Tebow is back in fine form, and (eventually, kinda) gave Arkansas the whompstomping it so richly deserves for booting Houston Nutt and hiring Sauron the Deceiver. (Note to Arkansas fans: Houston Nutt can beat Florida; you can't. Enjoy your season!) Will this be enough to beat LSU? We'll see.

Notre Dame
SEAN WISER: Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask you yours. Square head... and a hand-me-down jersey... you must be a Clausen.

Arkansas
CASEY DICK: Professor, why do the Gators affect me so? More than anyone else, I mean?
BOBBY PETRINO: Listen, Gators are among the foulest creatures to walk this earth. They feed on every good feeling, every happy memory until a person is left with nothing but his worst experiences. The Gators affect us more than others because there are true horrors in our past seasons, horrors your SEC comrades can scarcely imagine. You are not weak, Casey. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

DICK: I'm scared, Professor.
PETRINO: Well, I'd consider you a fool if you weren't.

Kentucky
Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't a great time for Kentucky to have a house elf as a quarterback

RICH BROOKS: Let's have a pair get up and practice. Hartline, how about you?
JOKER PHILLIPS: [coldly] Hartline's passes cause devastation with the simplest routes. We'll be sending what's left of the receiver to the hospital wing in a matchbox.

Maryland
It does not do to dwell on dreams, Chris Turner, and forget to live. If you had simply read the comment thread yesterday, in which I implored you not to get cocky and look past sniveling rat-faced Virginia, maybe you wouldn't have been SHUT OUT 35-0. I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I'm not angry. It just...hurts so much. Shhhhh. Shhhhhhhhhh. Go to sleep now.

I honestly have no idea what happened to make the Terps completely self-destruct yesterday, especially since they have shown nothing but great promise almost all year. When I expressed this to my dad, a proud Terp alum and loyal fan, he just started laughing and said "Honey, that's Maryland football. They can beat anyone and lose to anyone." I think this is the most eloquent and accurate description of the program I have ever heard, and I also think that the athletic department should print this up on t-shirts. Still, I am no fair weather fan. FEAR THE TURTLE. We'll be back.

Auburn
Brilliant, Tuberville - once again you've put your keen and penetrating mind to the task and as usual come to the wrong conclusion.

BOBBY JOHNSON: Do I detect a flicker of fear, Tommy? Ah, yes. The Commodore's Kiss. One can only imagine what that must be like to endure. It's said to be nearly unbearable to witness, but I'll do my best.

South Carolina
HOUSTON NUTT: [commenting on Spurrier's ragged looks] Finally, the flesh reflects the madness within.
STEVE SPURRIER: Well, you'd know all about the madness within, wouldn't you Houston?

Tennessee
A pity they let the old punishment die... Was a time when offensive stagnation found you hanging by your thumbs in the dungeons... God, I miss the screaming. As to the benching of Jonathan Crompton...it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends, and I'm glad Mike Hamilton forced Philip Fulmer to stand up and bench his ass.

PHILLIP FULMER: Nick, where will you be Saturday?
NICK STEPHENS: I'll be waiting to direct the offense.
FULMER: Excellent. And you, Crompton?
JONATHAN CROMPTON: [tonelessly] I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending I don't exist.

DAVE CLAWSON: [sitting bolt upright in bed] Spiders... the Richmond Spiders... they want me to throw on third down. And I don't want to throw on third down! It doesn't work here!
FULMER: You tell those Spiders, Dave.
CLAWSON: Yeah, tell them... I'll tell them...[falling back asleep]...tell them...

Kenny Chesney
Messrs Williams, Corso, Herbstreit and Fowler offer their compliments to Professor Chesney and request that he keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.

Posted by Nastinchka at October 6, 2008 01:14 PM