Snarkastic

The Technicolor Top 10:
NCAA Week 7--Oh save the speech, rummy.

I am proud to present the First Annual Movie Musicals Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 7 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of ill-advised step-ball-changes performed by Renee Zellweger. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include stunningly choreographed alley ballets betwixt grime-smeared delinquents, Maria Maria Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiia, rouged knees and rolled-down stockings, any number of people who reached for the gun the gun the gun oh yes the gun, plain yet kind postulants at a secluded Austrian convent, bratty children who should have been beaten before they were taught to sing the scales, and Coach Truly Scrumptious.

Then neither shall I tell you by what authority I do thethe thingth.

1) Texas
THE BARONESS SAYS:
COLT MCCOY: [giggling playfully] My coach is a silly watchdog!
MACK BROWN: [crooning gently] Ah, my quarterback is a precious jewel!
SAM BRADFORD: [embittered] What am I, cut glass?

Here come the Horns, like a bat out of hell - Someone gets in their way, someone don't feel so well. I knew Texas was good, but I freely admit that I thought the Sooners were better. Part of me still feels that Oklahoma is the stronger team, but you can't argue with results, and McCoy delivered when it mattered the most. He played very, very well, but I have to credit the defense for this win, because it takes a superhuman effort to stop Sam Bradford, and they managed to do it in the fourth quarter. I would love to see these teams meet again in a bowl matchup, because both these teams understand that if you give 'em a show that's so splendiferous, row after row will grow vociferous. It won't happen, but imagine the fireworks!

2) Alabama
THE BARONESS SAYS:
NICK SABAN: [writhing in jewel-encrusted flapper dress, gazing at his reflection in dozens of mirrors] Oooh, I'm a star, and the pollsters LOVE me... and I love them. And they love me for loving them and I love them for loving me. And we love each other. And that's because none of us got enough love in our childhood. And that's football... kid.

On behalf of everyone else in the SEC, let me be the first to say fuck you, Oklahoma--thanks a lot for enabling the most psychotic and dangerous fans in our conference to come that close to a #1 ranking. [HOOK 'EM WOOOOEEEEEEEE --H.] I actually believe that Texas is stronger than Alabama, and that they would win in a matchup. Sure, Texas has only beaten one ranked opponent, but it was THE NUMBER ONE TEAM IN THE COUNTRY! Additionally, Texas hasn't almost choked against duff games like Arkansas, Rice, or UTEP, whereas Alabama almost blew it against Tulane and Kentucky. The schedule will have their teeth for a necklace, and their eyes for earrings. They'll have to play a suddenly ferocious Houston Nutt, a desperate and bloodthirsty Tennessee team led by Shuke (half-shark, half-human) Eric Berry, a humiliated, infuriated, and embittered LSU squad IN DEATH VALLEY AT NIGHT, a Miss State squad that beat highly-ranked Vanderbilt, and a godless Auburn team with nothing to lose. At least one of those games is a gut-wrenching upset. Bank.

3) Penn State
THE BARONESS SAYS:
The Nittany Lions don't play. They march. Next weekend they're (probably) going to march right into Rich Rodriguez and wreak the kind of destruction not normally seen outside Michael Bay films.

BRETT BIELEMA: [as his quarterback limps off the field following a costly turnover] Allan, what happened to your finger?
ALLAN EVRIDGE: (wincing, holding back tears) It got caught.
BRETT BIELEMA: Caught in what?
ALLAN EVRIDGE: Josh Hull's teeth.

4) Texas Tech
THE BARONESS SAYS:
Play it cool boy, real cool. You've avoided the obligatory mid-season upset bid by a vastly inferior opponent--in overtime no less!--and escaped unscathed. Spend today falling on your faces in front of cornerback Jamar Wall and praising him with great praise for his timely pick of embattled Husker Joe Ganz. Spend the rest of the week preparing for the next five weeks, during which you will face five hated rivals, FOUR of whom are ranked. Get your groove back against the Aggies and pray it will be enough to carry you past Kansas (I think it will); then pray THAT can get you past Texas, OK State, and the Sooners themselves.

5) Oklahoma
THE BARONESS SAYS:
Boy, am I a victim of disappointment in you.

SAM BRADFORD: [Glaring hatefully at posed photo of Colt McCoy] First he steals my Heisman publicity. And now he steals my goddamn Red River Shootout!

Kansas, I'm really sorry for what's going to happen to you next Saturday. I wouldn't be surprised if Bradford actually did come out in Joker makeup, just to set the tone.

6) BYU
THE BARONESS SAYS:
Legitimate Top 10 Teams: What are we doin', poopin' around with these dumb broads for?
BYU: I and Utah ain't dumb! Are we, Utah?
UTAH: No thank you.
[snap]
UTAH: oo
[snap]
UTAH: Ooo-belee-oo.
BYU: And you can punctuate it...
UTAH: Ooo.

Congratulations; you defeated New Mexico, extending your win streak to sixteen over hapless opponents that your theatre department could beat with one lace-cuffed wrist tied behind their Oliver Twist-playing backs. I mean, Go Northern Iowa Cornfield Panthers, Home Of The 2008 Barack Obama Is A Godless Muslim Corn Maze And Pumpkin Patch!

7) Utah
THE BARONESS SAYS:
In 2007, the streets of Salt Lake echoed with the voices of Uties. On every corner you saw them carrying the banner. Bringing you the news of another Utah defeat for a penny a pape. Poor orphans and runaways, the Uties were a ragged army without a leader, until one day all that changed. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Asiata!!!

8) Missouri
THE BARONESS SAYS:
CHASE DANIEL: I ain't never gonna get married. Too noisy.
PATRICK LAVINE: You ain't never gonna get married. Too ugly. [picks him off with less than two minutes remaining] Pow!
CHASE DANIEL: Cracko Jacko! Down goes a teenage hoodlum.

He ain't no sheik, that's no great physique, and lord knows he ain't got the smarts. On Saturday, he didn't have the arm either, throwing three second-half picks leading to an inexplicable Mizzou defeat and a probable all-day binge-eating session full of kettle corn and pigs in a blanket on Sunday. That being said, I still think they're a strong team.

9) Florida
THE BARONESS SAYS:
My client Les Miles feels that it was a combination of liquor and jazz that led to the downfall. I feel that it was a combination of poor timing and stupid decisions. Poor timing: you never want to play Florida at The Swamp at night after they've had a humiliating home defeat, EVER. Stupid decisions: you never want to come out and say that you're looking to take a player out of the game, especially if he's the glue that holds that team together and everybody loves him, especially if he's just wept openly before the press and promised the fans that he will do better for them. STUPID. SO STUPID. As soon as that happened, I knew Florida was going to win, and told everyone so. I mean, if you want to take the guy out, DO IT, but don't tell people you're gonna do it! ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A DEBILITATING GROIN INJURY AND WON'T EVEN PLAY, YOU STUPID FOOL.

10) Vanderbilt
THE BARONESS SAYS:
BOBBY JOHNSON: This is for kids shinin' shoes in the streets with no shoes on their feet everyday. This is for guys sweatin' blood in the shop while the bosses and cops look away. This is to even the score. This ain't just Vandies no more. This ain't just kids with some pies in the sky, this is do it or die, this is WAR! Once and for all, we'll be there to defend one another. Once and for all, every kid is a friend, every friend a brother. Five thousand fists in the sky, five thousands reasons to try. We're going over the wall. Better to die than to crawl. Either we stand or we fall, for once, once and for all!

Vandy converted on one of nine third-down opportunities, and the Bulldogs held them to just over a hundred yards of total offense. When you got a million voices singing, who can hear a lousy whistle blow? And yes, I'm aware they lost, but I still feel they're better than Georgia, so deal with it. [Dear legions of Georgia fans poised for hatemail: We already have a history of pulling this kind of thing, we're not sorry, and if you think you can change Livia's mind on this, let the rest of us know so we can start the popcorn. --H.]

Misc.

SOUTH CAROLINA-KENTUCKY
STEVE SPURRIER: You know how some people have these little habits that get you down? Like Smelley. Smelley liked to throw picks. No, not picks. GAME-BREAKERS. So I come home from practice one night and I'm real irritated, and I'm looking for a little sympathy. And there's Smelley, lying on the couch, drinking a beer and playing NCAA 08 and thowing picks. No, not picks. GAME-BREAKERS. So I said "If you turn that ball over one more time..." And he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots... into his head. And ever since then, Garcia has been performing. Do not question me, or my methods. Ever.

COLORADO-KANSAS
All of you! You all killed Ralphie! Not with bullets, or guns, with hate, and doubt. Well now I can kill, too, because now I have hate!

USC-ASU

RUDY CARPENTER: So long, farewell, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen! I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne. Yes?
PETE CARROLL: No!

TENNESSEE-GEORGIA
When you're a Vol, you're a Vol all the way! From your first quarterback to your last dyin' day!

NICK STEPHENS: [lying on the turf after a last-minute failed fourth down conversion] I--I didn't believe hard enough.
ERIC BERRY: [bending over him] Loving is enough.
NICK STEPHENS: Not here. Not this season. They won't let us be.
ERIC BERRY: [stroking his hair] Then we'll run away. Back to Neyland. Back to the top of the polls!
NICK STEPHENS: Yeah, we can.
ERIC BERRY: Yes.
NICK STEPHENS: [eyes slipping closed] We will...
ERIC BERRY: [singing] Hold my hand and we're halfway there, hold my hand and I'll take you there. Somehow! Someday! Some...

MONTARIO HARDESTY: Cellophane. Mr. Cellophane shoulda been my name, Mr. Cellophane, 'cause you can look right through me, walk right by me and never know I'm there.

WHY AREN'T WE PLAYING MONTARIO HARDESTY? WHY? WHY? WHYYYYY? ARIAN FOSTER IS NOT PRODUCING! HE RAN THREE TIMES FOR THREE YARDS! PUT HARDESTY'S ASS IN WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHYWHYWHY! I can accept a lot of things about this season, but the stubborn refusal to try anyone but Foster at the position is BREAKING ME.

*Ed. note: I've never been happier that we don't do Blogpoll, because let me state for the record that I am LOST after this weekend. The two of us have never, ever diverged by any remotely significant margin before today, and I can't imagine what state the rest of y'all's lists are in. If we had to, my ten would probably look something like:

Texas
Alabama
Penn State
Oklahoma State
Florida
Oklahoma
Texas Tech
Georgia
Utah
BYU

But there's still a ton of questions. Namely, is it too soon to start bumping up one-loss teams (don't even start about Florida; they are BACK; run for your lives), is USC really that close to complete disaster, and when the hell will someone do something that will allow me to drop Penn State? --H.

Posted by Nastinchka at October 13, 2008 12:49 AM