Snarkastic

Laff Riot 97: Cane sugar, bitches!

6:42:44 PM Swindle: Well, we all communicate for different reasons.
6:43:02 PM Swindle: Some people like to exchange information about ideas, their current status, and discover more about each other.
6:43:11 PM Swindle: Some people enjoy humor.
6:43:45 PM Swindle: And other talk in order to buffet tottling little personal castles of insecurity.
6:44:17 PM Nastinchka: blesshisheart
6:44:35 PM Swindle: (Mean!)
6:44:53 PM Nastinchka: (it's hardwired, lawya)
6:45:22 PM Swindle: Like the assassin, you didn't even realize you'd disarmed them and turned their own weapon against them.
6:46:23 PM Swindle: The maid's on the other end of the gun, screaming out "IT'S JUST A HAIRDRYER! IT'S JUST A HAIRDRYER!"

10:45:52 PM Nastinchka: That was pretty fun to watch
10:46:00 PM Nastinchka: In the name of falling undefeateds, natch
10:46:22 PM Swindle: i walked in, and I'm no predictor of asswhippings, but...
10:46:29 PM Swindle: It just felt like murder was in the air.
10:47:25 PM Nastinchka: You know what this is, right?
10:47:28 PM Nastinchka: You KNOW.
10:47:34 PM Swindle: WILLY KORN
10:47:34 PM Nastinchka: It's Willy Korn.
10:47:51 PM Nastinchka: The candy(korn) man, man
10:48:11 PM Swindle: He shows up, but he guts your enemies, not you

2:10:38 PM Nastinchka: one of my Yahoo commenters called me a soulless monster today for saying changing the name of the Red River Shootout was a stupid idea.
2:11:46 PM Livia: Well, he's right in that you are a soulless monster, but wrong about the reason.

I maintain that this, not the scoreboard, was the tipping point:
7:39:40 PM Nastinchka: Let me set the scene for what you just missed. Clemson-WF
7:39:50 PM Nastinchka: Worst game ever
7:39:51 PM Nastinchka: 3-0, end of the third
7:39:55 PM Nastinchka: still with -5 rushing yards for Clemson
7:40:02 PM Nastinchka: Clemson calls TO
7:40:08 PM Nastinchka: they cut first to the receivers coach yelling and hollering at his players
7:40:16 PM Nastinchka: ....and then to Tommy Bowden, petting Cullen Harper on the head.

12:22:27 PM Nastinchka: It just gets worse tomorrow
12:22:29 PM Nastinchka: I'm warning you now.
12:22:53 PM Barstoolio: if there's a sex scene I will never forgive you.
12:22:55 PM Nastinchka: NO
12:23:13 PM Nastinchka: But there's a hint of a dungeon.
12:23:38 PM Barstoolio: I like just a touch of dungeon.
12:24:00 PM Barstoolio: A smidgeon, if you will.
12:24:06 PM Nastinchka: A soupcon?
12:24:08 PM Barstoolio: Full disclosure is just gauche.

5:19:51 PM Nastinchka: NEED THIS SONG NOW
5:19:56 PM PB: I'll get it. Eventually
5:20:40 PM Nastinchka: ^please face
5:21:26 PM PB: Don't worry. I'll get it. Might take a lil time
5:21:32 PM Nastinchka: (in your copious free time)
5:21:41 PM PB: Much of which is spent hunting for beats!
5:21:53 PM PB: HUNT-HUNT-HUNT-CRAVE!
5:21:57 PM Nastinchka: HUNT AND GATHER

8:58:04 AM Nastinchka: Why don't baby costumes have feet? It's so SINISTER looking.
8:58:07 AM Nastinchka: Behold my pupa!
8:58:17 AM Nastinchka: Is that what we're trying to say here?
8:58:33 AM Swindle: Yes.
8:58:41 AM Swindle: They don't grow legs until later.
8:58:43 AM Nastinchka: Well...um...then it worked.

12:24:54 PM Barstoolio: My uncle fell while skiing, and was laying on the slope unable to move limbs, and a guy skiied up and said, "Are you okay?" and my uncle said, "I will be. A Gator could never die in this way in front of a Georgia fan." Like, he was laying there paralyzed and noticed the guy's stupid hat.

7:33:07 AM Nastinchka: halp
7:33:14 AM Swindle: yah
7:33:18 AM Nastinchka: I'm in a breakfast meeting.
7:33:24 AM Nastinchka: It looks like I'm taking notes but I'm not.
7:33:46 AM Nastinchka: Because the suit at the other end of the table just told me I need to rent, among other things, StepBrothers to get an idea of what's selling in Hollywood right now.
7:33:55 AM Swindle: !
7:33:56 AM Nastinchka: Could you hit me over the head with something heavy?
7:34:01 AM Nastinchka: through the internet?
7:34:02 AM Swindle: I'm calling in an airstrike
7:34:10 AM Nastinchka: yesplz. We don't deserve to live.
7:34:17 AM Swindle: I learned to do this in mercenaries
7:34:31 AM Nastinchka: suckatriedtoplayme'd
7:34:34 AM Swindle: Hold on. I have to download an app from the iPhone store
7:34:42 AM Nastinchka: But that shouldn't take long at all!
7:34:44 AM Swindle: "Airstrike Central 2.3"

6:01:39 PM Nastinchka: Also: Belmont?
6:02:06 PM PB: weird
6:04:14 PM PB: Yup, Belmont.
6:04:21 PM Nastinchka: What the hell kinda choice is that
6:06:36 PM Nastinchka: Did he just have a seizure?
6:06:46 PM PB: I think he passed a stone.
6:07:52 PM PB: He looks better in his coffin.
6:08:02 PM Nastinchka: PETER.
6:08:18 PM PB: I just mean "not walking around"

12:32:42 PM Spawn: i hate it when really accomplished people that I want to admire use $.25 words incorrectly, and when a $.01 word would do.
12:32:46 PM Spawn: JUST saying.
12:32:49 PM Nastinchka: Word.
12:32:51 PM Nastinchka: (sorry)
12:33:09 PM Spawn: (the president of the fourth year class just edited a letter I wrote to invite a speaker for graduation. and her edits are making me vomit)
12:33:49 PM Nastinchka: pare down. not up.
12:34:37 PM Spawn: Yes.
12:34:59 PM Spawn: I gave her a letter that was pretty coherent, with maybe a few unnecessary bells and whistles
12:35:08 PM Spawn: She should have returned to me something sleek and smooth.
12:35:14 PM Nastinchka: like a plush seal.
12:35:21 PM Nastinchka: (arp)
12:35:31 PM Nastinchka: [seal clap]
12:35:34 PM Spawn: It is, instead, covered in lace, ribbon, hawaiian leis, and little plastic seal figurines.
12:35:37 PM Spawn: Not what I had in mind.
12:35:39 PM Nastinchka: No, indeed.
12:36:24 PM Spawn: I think the "arp" is my favorite part of this conversation
12:36:29 PM Spawn: I'm just playing it over and over again in my head.
12:36:32 PM Nastinchka: arp!
12:36:33 PM Spawn: I have a job interview in 24 minutes.
12:36:35 PM Spawn: I may arp.
12:36:44 PM Spawn: That'll make them hire me!
12:36:50 PM Nastinchka: ARP
12:37:06 PM Spawn: AWWWW WANT
12:37:15 PM Nastinchka: [nods] arp
12:37:24 PM Spawn: arp! arp arp!

6:49:29 PM Nastinchka: MAKE HIM STOP CALLING ME HIS FRIEND
6:49:54 PM PB: Was about to say that too
6:54:31 PM Nastinchka: How long is this supposed to go on again?
6:57:33 PM PB: Make McCain stop.
6:57:48 PM Nastinchka: [velociraptor noise]
6:58:10 PM PB: (My coffin suggestion doesn't sound so bad, does it.)
6:58:16 PM Nastinchka: (not really, no)
6:58:26 PM PB: (it's for the best)
6:58:56 PM Nastinchka: He's my corrupt candidate, Pa. I'll do it.
7:02:39 PM PB: Game, Set, Match. To your coffin, Spiney.
7:02:44 PM Nastinchka: SPINEY

6:58:07 AM Nastinchka: Haaaaay
6:58:14 AM Swindle: HAAAAAAYYYYY
6:58:40 AM Swindle: Who's rockin' Maroon 5 and can't feel his hands from the gym? THIS FAG.
6:59:52 AM Nastinchka: [penny drops] MAROON 5?
7:00:00 AM Nastinchka: It's like I don't even know you
7:00:13 AM Swindle: BTW, my Adam Levine imitation is unreal.
7:00:20 AM Swindle: It's muppetesque
7:01:12 AM Swindle: I have to have something to bond with the Ann Taylor girls!
7:01:25 AM Swindle: They're everywhere here.
7:01:53 AM Nastinchka: Try a head tilt and asking them thoughtfully about the difference between Ann Taylor and Ann Taylor Loft.
7:02:07 AM Swindle: It's like a completely different world! Please.

9:14:55 PM PB: Selfish
9:15:15 PM Nastinchka: Yes. Because you are by yourSELF, and....yeah, I'm reaching.
9:15:57 PM PB: That was brave of you to hit ENTER there
9:16:11 PM Nastinchka: I'm so ashamed.

12:24:52 PM Nastinchka: I thought "tentacle porn" was just a figure of speech until very recently.
12:24:53 PM Nastinchka: it's not.
12:25:19 PM Swindle: No, ma'am.
12:25:28 PM Swindle: If it wriggles, it appears in J-porn.
12:25:47 PM Swindle: Don't drop a nuke on people and expect them to be normal afterwards.

11:47:30 AM Swindle: I'm just fatigued with the whole "shoot zombies in trashed utopian" scenario in video games.
11:48:44 AM Nastinchka: I hate that this whole phenomenon is going to run its course before I learn enough composite animation to make my master film, "ZomBees".
11:48:57 AM Swindle: no, you can catch it on the retro side.
11:49:07 AM Nastinchka: It's pretty fucking tricky to decapitate a bee.
11:50:15 AM Swindle: that's why you use a flamethrower.
11:50:18 AM Swindle: (duh)
11:50:34 AM Nastinchka: Smashing them doesn't sever the head from the body.
11:50:44 AM Nastinchka: perhaps lasers are in order.
11:50:54 AM Swindle: Fire. Don't take this away from me.
11:50:56 AM Nastinchka: (I have given this inordinate amounts of thought.)
11:51:10 AM Nastinchka: I'm just wondering whether it's hot enough to crumble an exoskeleton.
11:51:15 AM Nastinchka: Just thinking out loud here.

I took the trouble to email this to myself and I still don't know why:
Nastinchka: AAAAAHHHHHH
8:42:02 PM Nastinchka: THINGS THAT CRAWL

11:56:18 AM Swindle: Good for the sailor, and well, other sailors.
11:56:19 AM Nastinchka: It sounds like WWII resistance code.
11:56:23 AM Nastinchka: The ram has curly horns.
11:56:34 AM Swindle: Good for the lonely sailor.
11:56:35 AM Nastinchka: the frost is on the pumpkin. Stonehenge. stonehenge.
11:56:43 AM Swindle: Good evening Jean-Francois.
11:56:46 AM Swindle: How fares Lille?
11:57:00 AM Nastinchka: The tulips are red.
11:57:15 AM Nastinchka: But the north wind is coming.
11:57:20 AM Nastinchka: [bang]
11:57:27 AM Swindle: WHYYYYYYYY
11:57:30 AM Swindle: (dies)
11:57:38 AM Nastinchka: Sorry, i just watched The Good German.
11:58:00 AM Swindle: I would have at least six scenes in my movie of someone grabbing their gut and saying "WHHYYYYYYY"
11:58:16 AM Swindle: Even if I was making a musical about 1960s education reform.
11:58:42 AM Nastinchka: Hey, forced integration can be maudlin.

12:54:07 PM Barstoolio: I did offer it to him once!
12:54:12 PM Nastinchka: ...
12:54:21 PM Nastinchka: offer WHAT?
12:54:25 PM Barstoolio: (the corn dog debacle)
12:54:36 PM Nastinchka: We need to be very, very specific with our object pronouns where he's concerned
12:54:39 PM Nastinchka: Ohhhhh, right.
12:54:41 PM Nastinchka: The Incident.
12:54:51 PM Barstoolio: While listening to Kid Rock.
12:54:53 PM Barstoolio: SHUDDER.
12:55:04 PM Barstoolio: [air kisses]
12:55:04 PM Nastinchka: That's my girl.

1:31:30 PM Swindle: I'm sorry, everything in my life just got more dramatic.
1:31:36 PM Swindle: I'M IN THE SITUATION ROOM
1:31:46 PM Nastinchka: My fervent hope
1:31:49 PM Nastinchka: every election
1:32:01 PM Nastinchka: is for that little hobbit to fall backwards into the nine screens and be electrocuted live.
1:32:29 PM Swindle: I'm Jack Cafferty, and I drink pure sorrow.
1:36:14 PM Nastinchka: He has bassett hound eyes.
1:36:46 PM Swindle: He always looks like he's about to tell me that my license will be ready when my number is called.
1:37:00 PM Swindle: John King is already fucking with the touch screen map
1:37:20 PM Nastinchka: I was ENTRANCED by that thing this morning. If I worked at CNN I'd sleep in front of it.

2:16:57 PM Nastinchka: RIC FLAIR CHARTER SEA CAPTAIN
2:16:59 PM Nastinchka: sitcom!
2:17:16 PM Swindle: Off the top rope and ONTO THE SHARK!!!

12:26:12 PM Barstoolio: This reminds me, I was at the dentist yesterday and when describing how I think the hygenist just chipped a tooth with the agressive style of his cleaning, he says, slowly and accidentally meaningfully, "Guide me with your tongue."
12:26:23 PM Barstoolio: We both paused, thought about laughing, and quickly moved on.
12:26:40 PM Nastinchka: My dentist is this chain smoking, gold-chain draped NASCAR grandfather type who hits on me
12:26:47 PM Nastinchka: but it's OK, because he's known my mom since college.
12:26:53 PM Nastinchka: (i really did just type that, didn't i.)
12:27:00 PM Barstoolio: HELLO!
12:27:11 PM Nastinchka: He reminds me a lot of Schnelly, actually
12:27:19 PM Barstoolio: A smoking dentist is the sort of awesome human who can be excused from most things.
12:27:48 PM Barstoolio: Grope my butt? Fine. You're a chain-wearing smoking dentist. You make the world a better place.

11:36:37 AM Swindle: I like the idea of the 1987 Miami coaching staff being a salon of deep intellectual discussion
11:37:03 AM Nastinchka: And Gloria Estefan as the first lady of Miami's answer to Comedie Francaise.
11:38:23 AM Swindle: ohyashakeamonkeybankatothatahyoushakamonkeykickatohatcongabeeeee

1:38:30 PM Nastinchka: He's such a neurotic that he believes whatever I tell him as long as it involves germs or a commmon household product that could kill him. So that's where I get most of my entertainment.
1:38:41 PM Nastinchka: That and math.
1:38:44 PM Nastinchka: He's bad at math.

7:26:00 AM Swindle: It's the equivalent of one of those nights where an immortal viking possesses your liver and you simply cannot be outdrunk
7:26:30 AM Swindle: O'Toole's in the gutter. Britney's passed out in bushes. Henry Kissinger is dead.
7:26:37 AM Swindle: But you're still drinking.
7:26:55 AM Swindle: And Pete Doherty just bought five shots with a look of fear in his eyes.
7:27:08 AM Nastinchka: ...or, it's like that.

9:38:33 PM Nastinchka: oh, god, it's dan hedaya
9:38:42 PM PB: oh my
9:41:02 PM Nastinchka: I am calling the next person who pisses me off a bait bucket.
9:41:32 PM PB: i like it
9:42:32 PM PB: Will you promise to stab me with an icicle if I ever grow a mustache?
9:43:27 PM Nastinchka: unequivocally.

8:47:47 PM Nastinchka: OK, you're invisibled.
8:47:53 PM Nastinchka: Now you can IM me all the time.
8:47:54 PM 'Box: yayayayayy! stealth
8:47:55 PM Nastinchka: ALL THE TIME.
8:48:04 PM 'Box: LET YOU LOVE ME?
8:48:11 PM Nastinchka: LET ME CALL YOU SWEETHEART
8:48:21 PM Nastinchka: LET ME EAT YOUR TEARS
8:48:24 PM 'Box: I WILL PUT GARLANDS IN YOUR HAIR
8:48:24 PM Nastinchka: YOU'RE SAFE
8:48:28 PM 'Box: yours is weirder
8:48:28 PM Nastinchka: NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU
8:48:43 PM Nastinchka: OH, LOOK, A CLOWN'S BEHIND YOU
8:48:47 PM Nastinchka: (Love doesn't have to rhyme.)
8:48:50 PM 'Box: certainly not all the one night stands I've stupidly befriended over AIM
8:48:58 PM 'Box: what?
8:49:00 PM 'Box: AHAHGHGGHG
8:49:03 PM Nastinchka: If you weren't such a TRAMP
8:49:10 PM 'Box: Trampin' ain't easy
8:49:11 PM Nastinchka: your sodomite ways killed the Laff Riots.
8:49:11 PM 'Box: wait.
8:49:29 PM Nastinchka: I think I may disapprove more than the church
8:49:33 PM Nastinchka: just based on that.
8:49:25 PM 'Box: so long as my sodomy doesn't kill me
8:49:46 PM Nastinchka: Ah yes, the "just the tip" of comedy writing.
8:49:49 PM Nastinchka: That's what we're after.
8:50:09 PM 'Box: for the purely laff-based initiatives that my sodomy has put asudner
8:50:11 PM 'Box: asunder
8:51:57 PM 'Box: I can, apparently, promise you unusual word choices

7:40:28 AM Nastinchka: Also, no one appreciates Hays code humor.
7:40:37 AM Swindle: Natch
7:40:37 AM Nastinchka: My other discovery this morning.
7:49:05 AM Swindle: It's okay. I just had to drop a "hans morgenthau and adam smith got my back"
7:49:23 AM Nastinchka: EDSBS: Putting the "guns" in "guns and butter" since 2005.
7:49:54 AM Swindle: Don't make me flex my realist muscles.
7:50:16 AM Nastinchka: WTF is an SDF fan?
7:50:26 AM Swindle: Kissinger in the booth, spinning "Holiday in Cambodia" and pouring Cris out for me.
7:50:56 AM Nastinchka: Putting the Diplo in diplomacy?
7:51:01 AM Nastinchka: [reeeeeach]
7:51:19 AM Swindle: No, you just bombed Laos while aiming for Vietnam. Well done.
7:51:27 AM Nastinchka: What could be more American?

Posted by Nastinchka at October 14, 2008 12:26 AM