Snarkastic

Men are from Athens, women are from Knoxville: Better living through football/relationship ground rules.

So about a year ago, Swindle and I sat down to discuss the intricacies of makin' love out of college football season. At the time, I was dating a Lakers fan who had no interest in college ball. That didn't end well, you'll recall, but I scored a pretty sweet upgrade a few months later. And now that our relationship is more of a relationship and less of an elaborate inside joke, I find I've grown somewhat attached to the guy and I'd kinda like to keep him around. So, we have here two parties, both feverishly invested in the game, but with cheering interests that diverge and converge with equal passion. For our benefit and yours, this will be our survival guide from the bedroom to the stadium for 2009.

Holly: Can we get through the next few months without killing one another or sleeping on the metaphorical couch for the entirety of bowl season?
Doug: That would be the goal, yes.
Holly: So, ground rules. Go.
Doug: First, basic courtesy: whoever's house we're watching the game at gets to decide what we watch.
Holly: Agreed. With the understanding that as fans of the game, we know good football from not-good football. Which is why, at my place this weekend, we will shun WKU/UT in the interest of Georgia-OSU. Spite should not come into play here.
Doug: Can you even WATCH WKU/UT on anything other than PPV?
Holly: No, and the radio's always better than whoever they drag off the bottom of the river for the local TV coverage, so if it's all right with you I'll just keep the audio braodcast handy and we'll have the Dawgs up on the plasma.
Doug: Moving on: All secondary allegiances/biases must be laid out in full before the season starts.
Holly: As previously agreed, with regards to secondary biases, I have adopted a virulent hatred of Georgia Tech for this season. And given your personal reasons of affection for my primary OOC target of Michigan, you will pull mightily against Pitt and Oklahoma in honor of my devotion to Texas and West Fuckin' Virginia.
Doug: And just as you can't ask me to root against Michigan, I can't ask you to have any affection whatsoever for Rick Neuheisel, even when he's not playing UT.
Holly: Secondary allegiances, on the other hand, are less important than biases, and as such are to be determined on a case-by-case basis, such as "UAB has a dragon mascot, and those are awesome".
Holly: Which leads us to non-conference rivals. Unless an established secondary allegiance already exists, proper scorn is to be shown to all non-conference opponents of the other's team, regardless of importance.
Holly: By which I mean I hexed Stillwater while driving through Oklahoma day before yesterday, and you have to get me some water when I wake up screaming with Big Red night terrors.
Doug: But of course.
Doug: As a dude, and a not-particularly-evolved one at that, I reserve the right to claim a bias for certain schools just because their coeds are hot.
Holly: As a secondary Texas fan, I have no problem with this. I also reserve the right to hoist myself up to Stephen Garcia's dorm window in a basket for purposes nefarious, should the opportunity arise.
Doug: If you can get Stephen Garcia to agree to let you do naughty things to him, then I really can't stand in the way of that (falls under what shall henceforth be known as the Erin Andrews Rule).
Holly: It's only fair.
Holly: OK, moving to conference matters:
Holly: Non-con agreements are one thing, where my investment in your personal happiness easily outweighs my loathing for your football team and whatever interest I might have in a team like OSU. A few weeks in, things will get dicey, though.
Doug: This is true.
Holly: Florida is easy enough. But say someone's trip to Atlanta is riding on something ridiculous like South Carolina winning a game. It would be totally unfair to ask either of us to cheer for Spurrier outright. So I'm proposing a "Long As You're Happy" rule, which is a carefully delineated state of neutrality wherein we focus not on the actual game, but on what will transpire if it goes our way. This way weekends go smoothly and our consciences are clear.
Doug: That sounds like a mature way of handling things.
Doug: Which explains why I didn't come up with it.
Holly: It'll last about three hours.
Holly: Now, say Tennessee somehow scrapes through with a respectable W-L record, Georgia and Florida stumble, and we end up in the traditional 3-way roundelay for the SEC East. No quarter expected or given in this case, with the understanding that while we are not exactly ABOVE petty meanness and rude asides, we would also like to get laid this decade.
Holly: By which I mean, no sulking.
Doug: Right. And nookie can be withheld as the withholder sees fit.
Holly: Although everyone should be open-minded about the healing powers of third base and beyond.
Doug: Of course.

To be continued: Read the thrilling conclusion to our landmark summit, covering postgame sex, proper stadium decorum when you absolutely want both teams to die, and what I have to wear for Halloween if Tennessee loses to Georgia, right'chere.

Posted by Nastinchka at September 2, 2009 11:34 AM