Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
LIVIA: Oh, Sandra. I really don't know what to say about this nomination. You have brought me so much joy over the years, beginning with your bizarrely compelling performance across from a never-creepier Bill Pullman in While You Were Sleeping. You are glorious, and to be honest, I love you a little. However. That does not mean I will be endorsing you for Oscar gold. If they gave out Oscars for dyeing your hair blonde and acting like a bitch at football games, three ladies on my block would be Academy voters. Color me unimpressed.
NASTINCHKA: This is the only remotely relevant section in which I can point out that the Tuohy's real-life daughter is eons prettier than that tramp-stamped little minx they put in the movie. Who de-hots an Ole Miss cheerleader for filming purposes? If they were going to get one thing right about this festering delta puddle of an adaptation, that one seemed like easy money.
Helen Mirren, The Last Station
NASTINCHKA: Given half a chance and a romantic inclination towards ladyparts, I would totally date Helen Mirren. We could be the new Sarah Paulson-Cherry Jones Hollywood shecouple. But Livvy always has far more entertaining opinions re: Dame Mirren, so over to her.
LIVIA: Well, well, well, here we are again. Unlike my previous remarks about George Clooney, I will NOT be retracting my statements about Helen Mirren, and would like to quote liberally from them. Helen Mirren is a smug, preening boil on the face of Western civilization. Her entitlement is unbearable. Speaking her name three times will cause her to appear in your mirror and declaim in a regally bitchy tone about her prior achievements. Fuck Helen Mirren.
Carey Mulligan, An Education
LIVIA: Fun fact about An Education: Knoxville sucks, and so I haven't seen it. Fun fact about Carey Mulligan: she is dating Shia LaBeouf (or as Jesse and I like to call him, Shia No-Beard). I would also like to date Shia LaBeouf. Conclusion? I will be pleased if she manages some kind of stunning upset to win. (She won't.)
NASTINCHKA: This is the girl who's the new Hepburn, right? If A-Hep were making her bones in the movies today, think she'd turn out like Carey Mulligan or Lindsay Lohan? If Lindsay Lohan lives long enough to die of old age, what do you think she'll look like?
Gabourey Sidibe, Precious
LIVIA: Gabourey's performance is utterly fabulous, a pitch-perfect portrayal of struggle and darkness and hopelessness. To say she is compelling doesn't do her justice. If this award is supposed to go to an actress who gives an outstanding performance, no one in this category is more qualified than Gabourey Sidibe.
NASTINCHKA: For rills, Sandra Bullock getting the nod over this girl would be a cultural felony.
Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia
NASTINCHKA: Sweet wounded Jesus, stop making movies about the internet.
LIVIA: This grows tiresome. I loves me some Meryl, but of late she has sought out the most annoying film projects possible, starting with The Devil Wears Prada and most recently in "That Movie With Alec Baldwin That I Can't Be Bothered To Look Up". I'm not saying that she can only do "Out of Fucking Africa", but can we at least go back to "The River Wild"? Thanks, Meryl. I knew you would understand.
EGREGIOUS SNUB HORRIFYING IN SCOPE
NASTINCHKA: SPEAKING OF JULIAS: Where the blue hell is Tilda Swinton on this list?
ADDITIONAL AND STILL HORRIFYING SNUB
NASTINCHKA: OK, I'm not saying she should win any awards for this, but I feel she's being unfairly maligned and even though I'm not a fan I feel compelled to defend her in this section: Cameron Diaz's performance in The Box is totally underrated. She and James Marsden both have those matinee-idol looks, and if you've ever seen "Button, Button", the Twilight Zone ep that inspired the film, you can see how both of their theatrically wooden turns pair with their pretty faces just perfectly. It's so static and stilted and Richard Kelly is so neck-deep in ambience in every movie he makes that you cannot possibly argue they weren't directed to turn back the clocks with their acting. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
SHOULD WIN: Gabourey Sidibe.
WILL WIN: Sandra Bullock, even though All About Steve was released in the same year as The Blind Side.
Posted by Nastinchka at March 6, 2010 02:33 PM
Is it okay if I admit that as compelling as Sidibe and Mo'Nique were in Precious, I never, ever want to see that movie again and would not suggest it to anyone? As good as the performances were, I felt like I was wallowing in AWFUL while Lee Daniels reveled in it to an uncomfortable extent.
That said, her over anyone else by a wide margin in this category.
Posted by: Colin at March 6, 2010 03:01 PMLater on tonight, I make that very point while comparing Precious to Schindler's List, so you're pretty safe.
Posted by: Holly at March 6, 2010 03:04 PMHelpful instructions here on how to join the multitudes who are pledging to immolate themselves if Streep wins for being able to produce a grotesque array of hoots and caws with her mouth, hoots and caws, I might add, that have very little to do with one of the game changers of how we eat in the US of A.
http://thegurglingcod.typepad.com/thegurglingcod/2010/02/if-meryl-streep-wins-the-best-actress-oscar-for-julie-julia.html
In Mirren's defense, I will point out that in the Venn diagram consisting of the set of famous people I would relish motorboating, and the set of people who qualify for the Senior Breakfast at Denny's, the intersection consists of Helen Mirren.
Posted by: Fesser at March 7, 2010 12:10 PM