Snarkastic

Fuck the Year in Review: Year Four

That was then:

I rang in 2004 with my best and brightest, had a few days with the brain triplets and Black Lightning, then bolted for the Frozen Northlands and Clark '04. Met Michael Moore, and the General himself, and more Yankees than was probably healthy or beneficial. My birthday was the Worst Ever, hands down, as people tend to forget you when you're a thousand miles away (not that the ones who were closer made it appreciably better, but that's water under a skinned cat). Then Nashville, and even with the way things turned out, I wouldn't have changed a thing, wouldn't have traded total immersion in such a dedicated and cerebral culture for any conceivable prize. Best Valentine's Day Ever. Monkeydash. The Return Of The Snark. Boozin' on the Brine '04. A new domain, a new site, and our little interweb empire grew just a little more. Zobo Eve. My three darlingest boys gone before I really knew what was happening. The easiest breakup I ever had...for about nine days. The Great Schism. Pocket Armageddons and Whack-A-Meltdown. May sweeps. High Adventure at the Boyd Bridge, Krystal, and Boeing. Into the Woods, delivered into our hands and taken away. REK. Wisdom teef. Whorehouse, which deserves more than a sentence, but for once we all said what we needed to say when we needed to say it, and anyway, it's not like we'll forget. The Fab Four/Five and our offstage hilarities. Secrets and lies. Hive 2.0. Power struggles and Prom Redux. Playhouse Academy. Drunk & Drown. Movies again. Killer instincts proving out for worse. Operation Pompeii: The Assault on Mount VeShrewvius. Summer at the hotel with Caesar. Jesse and I coming through, in a fourth-quarter Hail Mary on a summer night in the middle of the street. The Shower Snark game. The Worst. Movie. Ever. The end of a dark summer. The move to Tor2ga. The Shark Abyss, the Octopus Gardens, MooMoo Farm, and Ian McKellan's Eagle Ranch. A bumper crop of new freshmen, and all our sophomores back in fighting shape. August doing what it does. The best classes and professors I've ever had at the same time. Getting Defamed. Labor Day at the new beach crib with Hurricane. Sky Captain. The Florida game. WASP. The Georgia game. The debates. The Alabama game. Halloween, and Show Us Your Teeth 2K4. Getting my heart broken by an American institution, and learning forserious that a good man can't get elected President, at least not now, not yet. Working ItW. CUT. My site broke the internet. "I just lost, like, four bets." Confidentials and aliasing. All in all, a Fairly Wretched holiday season. Eleven months summed up in the shriek/sob/smile routine that we're way too good at. Joan and I, one year closer to holding all of Western civilization in the palms of our pretty, entitled little hands. And, just in time to end the year in the stratosphere...gatherings and laughter with True Minds, and a brand-new eucalyptus tree in the unlikeliest of places and times.

So. Annus mirabilis? Far from it, save in the academic sense of the word, but guess what? We're about to get another shot. You may now ask questions.

Is gravitas enough for the American people?
Apparently not, but it'll do me just fine.

Is this over?
No, no it is not.

Will you ever be able to let go of those who return your love with nothing but poison?
I haven't yet managed to, not really, but who's to say? Perhaps even more than their love, I am grateful for the perspective I gain from those closest to me. Maybe this will be the year.

What is this?
It's St. Elmo's fire. It's our time on the edge.

What have you learned?
That while I'd give a great deal to have skipped over most of the head/heartaches of the year, the lessons gleaned therein are vital. The most crucial being that I'd never put anyone I loved through what I've been confronted with these past months, and that somewhere upstairs that's got to count for something.

What are you grateful for?
True Minds. My Hivemates. My eucalyptus tree. My daughters. West Coast offense. Tang. The ocean and the stars. Rhythm. Cadence. Communion.

What'll you do now?
In the immediate: Ring out the year the way I rang it in...with more than a few of the entities listed above. After that? Commence to doing to Them What Done Us Wrong what the ice age did to the sabretooth tiger. After that? Keep on keepin' on.

What other reply could I make, really, after this year of trials and treachery and love? What else but, "What's next?"

Farewell and goodnight to 2004, the Year of the Yellow Rose.

I'll be right here.

In Excelsis Crunk

Holiday Highlight Reel:

• Knocking out all my Christmas shopping (and the shopping of most everyone I know) here and here.
• When Joan and I opened our presents from my mother, and found B&BW lotion, edible lip gloss, and these. We think she may know us better than we suspected.
• The song "All I Want for Christmas is to Get Crunk", a little slice of filthy genius to ghetto up your holiday season.
• This. Not so much caring about the Seinfeld nonsense, but I'd pay good money to see the Zoroastrian display.
• Not having to decorate the Christmas tree. I had to do it by myself the last few years, and if you've ever seen my mother's armada of ornaments you know this is no small feat. Putting off coming home till the 22nd got me out of this one. Downside: my baby ornament, to which I have an irrational attachment, got lost in the whirlwind and never made it onto the tree. Hope I find it.
• Going to all the trouble of being sneaky about spiking my eggnog while cooking, only to have my father walk up, take a sip, and start dancing around the kitchen to 'out' me to my mother. Magnificent bastard.
• The satisfaction of running into my ex's mother, whom I adore, in the grocery store, and in the course of the conversation, having her lean in and whisper to me, "You know, I don't much care for his new girlfriend", augmented by the fact that said girlfriend is, in fact, a Heinous Wretch.
• We always open one present on Christmas Eve, with what I think is an unnecessary amount of pagenatry, since mine is always pajamas. This time I got a red top and blue pants with these mod little stars all over them, and I would not bet against me wearing them for the next week.
• Having five kids in the house under the age of five, including two newborns, has turned out to be an unexpected bonus. No one yells at you when there's an infant balanced on your hip. "I'm sorry, Auntie, I can't listen to you criticize me right now. Ssssshhhh....you'll wake the baby." Bitchin'.
• Two perfectly clear and cold nights in a row, with a brilliant moon and the wind blowing hard enough to stir all the chimes on the back porch.

Holiday Lowlight Reel:

• Yeah, so my mom may've wanted to name me Emily so my initials would be ERA, but come Christmas Eve I better have my pearls around my neck and my sweet ass in the kitchen, is all I'm sayin'.
• The accents of my extended family. I thought my baby cousin Riley was named Rowley for close to a year.
• The perennial ridiculosity of my mother refusing to put presents under the tree to everyone can see her beautiful wrapping skills on rightful display.
• Having a fight with my brother that reduced me to remarking, "Yeah, so how's flunking out of state school working out for you?" (He so started it.)
• The song "We Wish You a Merry Christmas". What carols absolutely dance the tarantella on your last goddamned nerve? "Little Drummer Boy" was another one until Sorkin got hold of it.

Overheard in the last 24 hours within these walls:

• "My computer isn't as cuddly as a cat, but it sure keeps my lap warm like one."
• Mike: "I've got bulimic Alzheimer's. I binge and forget to purge."
• "Dominic, who's that?"
  "That's my new toy, Baby Get Off Me." (while pointing at his new baby sister)
• "I wanna be a Powerpuff Girl." (Uttered by my four-year-old cousin, to the abject horror of his father and grandfather.)
• "Oh, Erin, I love the baby's dress!"
  "Yeah, I don't think it's that comfortable for her, but she's gotta learn sometime."
• "Josh, get a haircut."
  "Debbie, do you think I need a haircut?"
  "No, honey, you could model in one of those women's magazines."
  "I need a haircut."
  "Seriously. You look like Mom from the back."
• Mike on babies: "The first one gets held like this," (holds baby gingerly), "the second one gets held like this," (perches baby on hip), "and the third one gets held like this" (holds baby by neck).
• "I want to go home."
  "You are home."
  "Well, I want to go back to school."
  "Holly, it's Christmas."
  "Exactly."

Things have settled down for the afternoon. Dad's at the golf course; Mom's in the bath; Josh has taken over the living room with his boarding gear and Bruckheimer movies, and I'm in the den, juggling my gadgetry and watching football and yelling at him to turn down the suck, please. (Actually, he got me Arrested Development on DVD, so I've got to play nice for a week or so.) Life Aquatic with the crew tonight, then off to Snowshoe and Silvercreek for a few days. I'll be back just in time for NYEE, and y'all will be in my thoughts with every wrenched joint, bruised limb, and sucking chest wound I'm about to incur.

And because it wouldn't be the holidays without the imminent threat of death at the hands of an evil clown...I've gotten four hits from Derry, New Hampshire. 'Fess up.

[edit, 14:23: My dad just walked in with my baby ornament. Merry Christmas, forserious.]

Other troops looked on with puzzlement when candy canes were tossed at their feet with shouts of "incoming!"

Two Days, Eight Minutes

As ever, Jesse has gone and said it best, A Lot. And of course, he's right:

22-12-04 There are things that should never change:

H,
By the way, WAR OF THE FUCKIN' WORLDS! Oh God, have you OH God seen that Oh God TraOHGODiler? Have you? Sweet sassy molassy! People LOOKING! I'm so Psyched! Oh, and I'm seeing Dieselboy in a few hours. Love you, dearest.
Love,
J

J,
OMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!! I JUST SAW THE TRAILER IN FRONT OF LEMONY SNICKET NOT THREE HOURS AGO AND SPENT AT LEAST HALF OF IT WISHING YOU WERE THERE TO SEE IT WITH ME!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! SCENES OF PEOPLE LOOKING!!!!!!!!!!
Mad love,
H

See y'all tonight. And tomorrow.

May you shred in Heaven, sweet cowboy from Hell

Laff Riot 16: Ill-Advised Spinoff

I find recently that I've been telling the same stories over and over again (no, more than usual) to the same people (no, more than usual), leaving me with not a great deal of time to place them here in their proper contexts. So in lieu of an Actual Update, and in no particular order, I'm going to relate some recent history and announcements through Snarkage. It's not all funny, but it's all true. Also, a lot of them are about Giant Microbes, your one-stop Christmas shopping destination. Fair warning.

[Note to The Faithful: Effective immediately, it will be Snarkastic policy to employ only initials, asterisks, and microversally accepted nicknames when referring satirically to those moving without Our Immediate Sphere. We hope our Dear Readership understands that we are undertaking these actions not in acquiescence to The Terrorists uppity overreactive Yankees with inflated senses of their own positions within/out said Sphere NOKD, but in recognition of the fact that, lamentably, there walk among us creatures who Cannot Take A Joke. And though we would much prefer to Round Them Up And Set Them On Fire, we must gracefully accede to our breeding and take the High Road (where "high road" denotes "road upon which we mock them to their unfortunate faces with More Impunity Than Before"). Thank you for your understanding. Y'all come back, now. -Ed.]

When we last saw our heroes.....

Previously on Snark Night:
Nastinchka (15:02:16): The girls seem to have taken over. It's all you and Kaitlin and Cara.
jangel139 (15:02:37): As it should be.
Nastinchka (15:02:45): That's what I'm saying.
jangel139 (15:04:54): I have never seen anyone have a more passionate love affair with the : key than Jesse.
Nastinchka (15:04:59): ROTFL
jangel139 (15:08:04): Also, picturing Nick playing a piccolo? Best. Thing. Ever.
Nastinchka (15:08:15): Yeah, tweets to the twee.

Tidings:
Allais500 (22:39:05): Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god!!!!
Allais500 (22:39:10): Anna
Allais500 (22:39:11): Randy
Allais500 (22:39:13): Getting
Allais500 (22:39:15): Married
Allais500 (22:39:33): YAY!!!!
Nastinchka (22:42:16): OMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nastinchka (22:42:24): EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Allais500 (22:42:34): I KNOW RIGHT?????
Nastinchka (22:42:51): SHUT UP THAT IS SO HOTTTTTT!!!!!

Nastinchka (22:45:25): So Cara just told me Anna and Randy are getting married. How cool is that?
DJWanaBling (22:45:40): right now?

Allais500 (23:03:36): I just finished Dawn of the Dead, like just now.
Nastinchka (23:03:40): Rock.
Allais500 (23:03:41): the credits are still rolling
Allais500 (23:04:03): Forever I will remember that I found out Anna and Randy are getting married during a zombie flick
Nastinchka (23:04:15): It's so Us.

Tidings again:
jangel139: So, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology is proud to offer me admission to the Class of 2009
jangel139 (18:08:50): I feel a sort of deep peace and satisfaction for having tied Nick, as it were.
Nastinchka (18:10:04): Heh. Atta girl.
jangel139 (18:10:45): Aww, he's being no fun.
jangel139 (18:10:50): Just congratulatory.
jangel139 (18:10:54): I obviously played it wrong.

Auto response from kaitlinwithani (02:08:23): "Today we salute you,FaceBook addict. You thought you could just log on once, but little did you know it would consume your life. Joining one pointless group was just not enough. Adding every person you never spoke to in high school just to be "virtually" popular. As if IM wasn't enough to feed into your stalker-ish behavior. Oooo look at you with your 340659 "friends". So go ahead, crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Compulsive Away Message Checker Turned Face Book Psycho. It's too bad that you're not too popular at the bar, but in virtual reality, you'd be the life of the cyber party."

LiviaHarlowe (14:54:47): I JUST GOT MY SCORE AND SCRIPT
Nastinchka (14:54:57): I GOT AN A FROM WHEELER
Nastinchka (14:55:03): SO WE'RE HAVING A PRETTY GOOD DAY.
LiviaHarlowe (14:55:19): HOTT

Nastinchka (01:27:11): That's why I know what I'm doing this weekend.
Big Evil (01:27:38): Hunh. But with all that football, how could you _possibly_ have time?
Big Evil (01:27:40): *ducking*
Nastinchka (01:27:52): *anticipates duck and strikes correctly*
Nastinchka (01:28:06): *with not a hair falling out of place*
Big Evil (01:28:13): *falls onto floor with a dull thud*
Nastinchka (01:28:21): You're a dull thud.
Nastinchka (01:28:24): *duck*
Big Evil (01:28:39): *sees Anaconda approaching from behind, and tries to warn her with eye flickering*
Big Evil (01:28:47): *sadly, the warning is ineffective*
Nastinchka (01:28:47): Kitty!
Big Evil (01:28:54): *and she's grabbed*
Big Evil (01:28:58): *sigh*
Nastinchka (01:29:03): ....by the snake?
Big Evil (01:29:16): That, gentle reader, is left to your imagination...

Nastinchka (17:52:50): Yeah, the game's about to start.
nicodemus055 (17:53:18): Ok. Who's playing?
Nastinchka (17:53:25): Um. SEC Champoinship.
nicodemus055 (17:53:43): K.
nicodemus055 (17:53:50): I shop. Enjoy your smashy men.

Bawwwww:
CrazyRed1984 (22:37:11): I hope that your Shakes final went well. I know that you were perfectly glorious, but I hope that you felt that in your being.

jangel139 (15:14:01): KEIRAN GOT A CELL PHONE
Nastinchka (15:14:10): I KNOW, RIGHT?
jangel139 (15:14:20): OH MY GOD
Nastinchka (15:14:27): You weren't supposed to tell me.
jangel139 (15:14:32): I just realized that.
Nastinchka (15:14:33): It was suppoosed to be a surprise.
jangel139 (15:14:39): but you said I know right
jangel139 (15:14:41): so you knew already
jangel139 (15:14:48): Because that's the only correct usage of that phrase.
Nastinchka (15:15:07): No. I decided not to make you feel bad, then thought better of it.
Nastinchka (15:15:20): Nastinchka (15:14:42): Joy just spoiled my surprise!!
Nastinchka (15:14:46): Let's kill her.
KeiranOHara (15:14:49): damin it
KeiranOHara (15:14:53): yes
jangel139 (15:15:22): Damn you.
Nastinchka (15:15:36): DAMN YOU AND YOUR BIG MOUF
jangel139 (15:15:44): Hm.
jangel139 (15:15:47): This is when I leave, I think
Nastinchka (15:16:02): That's right. Scuttle away.

Auto response from M******** (18:43:03): GOOD: Sexual acrobatics.
BAD: Headache.
UGLY: Limping to drugstore for ice pack and Aleve to speed healing of grievous head wound sustained during sexual acrobatics. No, I'm not fucking joking.
H******** (18:43:03): GOOD: delicious, satisying dinner.
BAD: Lots of stained dishes to wash.
UGLY: Dishes are stained with bloody scraps of Current Love's Ex-Girlfriend.

These next few sum up the drama of the past few weeks better than any of us ever could. You can take the kids out of junior high....
nicodemus055 (12:12:09): Haha
Nastinchka (12:12:12): ?
nicodemus055 (12:12:20): I like the comments you left Chris.
nicodemus055 (12:12:24): What a dick.
Nastinchka (12:12:30): I know, right?
nicodemus055 (12:12:36): I also note that he had to take the SAT more than once. Loser.
Nastinchka (12:12:47): Yup. I feel superior.
nicodemus055 (12:12:52): Even my brother got a 1600 on the first go.
Nastinchka (12:13:40): That's what I"m saying. I was too mad to be elegant, but I feel I made my point.

nicodemus055 (12:15:57): I remember a conversation I had with **** about how icky she thought sex was.
nicodemus055 (12:16:10): This was her senior year.
Nastinchka (12:16:14): HAHAHAHAHA
nicodemus055 (12:17:59): He sounds like the type of person I would throw popcorn at while drinking beer and laughing.
Nastinchka (12:21:18): I wish I'd thought to use the word 'calumny'. I've always been fond of that.
Nastinchka (12:21:29): (In word and action form.)

Nastinchka (10:29:44): That comment thread is really getting out of hand.
KeiranOHara (12:01:25): yeah, they cant handel tje sutble newances of the overs use of the word fuck

Nastinchka (12:35:50): grudging compassion. THat's you.
nicodemus055 (12:35:58): I know.

Nastinchka (12:36:18): I'm saving all these in case he deleted them, so I can post them.
nicodemus055 (12:36:23): Ok.
Nastinchka (12:36:26): It'll be like a Stupid Museum.

Nastinchka (12:37:08): I got a popup frmo his site advertisign "Ugly Dolls"/!!!?!
Nastinchka (12:37:18): laughing so hard i can't type

Nastinchka (15:26:09): "What? You say I crossed a line somewhere?? Well, HERE'S a line, and on this side of it, WE DON'T CUT OURSELVES FOR ATTENTION."
LiviaHarlowe (15:26:18): thats a good one!
Nastinchka (15:26:22): I know, right?
Nastinchka (15:26:27): That'll be my other away message.
Nastinchka (15:26:52): And the typos are almost worse than the sentiments. Undereducated wretch.

But enough about us. On to General Nonsense:
Nastinchka (15:42:16): Oh, she was here last night when I was railing against your asshattery.
Nastinchka (15:42:21): (asshaberdashery?)
nicodemus055 (15:45:10): The disabled children part is my favorite.
nicodemus055 (15:45:14): It's warm and sunny here.

'Tis the season:
Nastinchka (15:49:37): I am doing all my Christmas shopping here: www.giantmicrobes.com
CrazyRed1984 (15:51:32): omg
CrazyRed1984 (15:51:38): i am the common cold
Nastinchka (15:51:51): Look at Flesh-eating! It's so cute!!
CrazyRed1984 (15:52:52): i enjoy kissing diseanse
CrazyRed1984 (15:52:58): but then again I am a hopeless romantic
Nastinchka (15:53:21): I actually own that one. Joan got it for me for Christmas last year. It's SO CUTE. It has eyelashes!!
CrazyRed1984 (15:53:39): that is hilarious
Nastinchka (15:53:50): I also have Black Death, which is cute, if a little cree-pay.
CrazyRed1984 (15:54:05): ooo
CrazyRed1984 (15:54:08): very ominious
Nastinchka (15:54:22): yesh.
CrazyRed1984 (15:54:30): i cna't type
CrazyRed1984 (15:54:47): the wormy looking ones are my least favorite
Nastinchka (15:55:00): yeah, sleeping sickness is a leetle scary.
CrazyRed1984 (15:55:42): and ebola
Nastinchka (15:56:00): Yeah, Joan loves that one beyond all reason.
CrazyRed1984 (15:56:07): y?
Nastinchka (15:56:30): You'd have to ask her.
CrazyRed1984 (15:56:56): duly noted

jangel139 (15:45:38): Yes. I just wrapped my brother's present (a DVD) in a massive box with plenty of styrofoam peanuts and duct tape, UVa sent me a letter about my Jefferson interview, and my giant microbes will be here this week. It is indeed a magical time of year.

H**** (14:55:27): I HAVE STRAIGHT AS
H**** (14:55:35): AND MY BROTHER IS DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL
H**** (14:55:39): CHRISTMAS IS GONNA ROCK

LiviaHarlowe (15:16:42): i am both filled with christmas cheer and filled with the cold desire to watch *****'s bone marrow leak out of her crumpled body. I'd like to trim the Christmas tree....with her BONES.
Nastinchka (15:17:11): I'll help.
Nastinchka (15:17:17): We can put her vapid skull on top.
Nastinchka (15:17:26): I bet no one ever said "vapid skull" before.
LiviaHarlowe (15:17:32): No, it won't be in one piece anymore.
LiviaHarlowe (15:17:56): I kind of thought we could make an advent wreath, except instead of candles, it would be her organs.

LiviaHarlowe (15:45:24): I'm sorry, Ukariah. I don't mean to kill you. It will just happen.
Nastinchka (15:45:36): One more sleep till the big sleep.
LiviaHarlowe (15:46:28): GIANT MICROBES
LiviaHarlowe (15:46:31): DO THEY HAVE NEW ONES
Nastinchka (15:46:58): No idea.
LiviaHarlowe (15:47:25): WOW.
LiviaHarlowe (15:47:53): HIV and Hepatitis. That seems to be in poor taste until you see that the HIV Microbe is WEARING A RED RIBBON
Nastinchka (15:48:57): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Nastinchka (15:49:08): .....and then it's beyond any sort of taste a'tall.
LiviaHarlowe (15:49:21): Hepatitis has a ribbon too.
Nastinchka (15:49:54): yeah, but that's not nearly as funny.
LiviaHarlowe (15:49:57): LOOK HOW CUTE FLESH EATING IS! Merry Christmas Stewart.
Nastinchka (15:50:06): I know, right?
Nastinchka (15:50:41): Why are HIV and hepatitis listed as "professional"? Like, The Oldest Profession?
LiviaHarlowe (15:51:05): i think it means they are intended for use by school teachers instead of, you know, to cuddle with in bed.
Nastinchka (15:52:13): Or does it mean that streetwalkers can't contract ebola? Bigots.
Nastinchka (15:55:22): I WANT THE HAT
Nastinchka (15:55:25): I MUST HAVE THAT HAT
LiviaHarlowe (15:55:26): i bet.

Nastinchka (15:07:16): So Jay was all, "I should've pulled a Stewart."
LiviaHarlowe (15:07:24): what the fuck.
Nastinchka (15:07:27):
And been all "AWWWW, IT'S OUR TREASURE. WE GOTTA BURY IT. "
Nastinchka (15:07:34): "SANTA CAME AND LEFT ME A BIKE AWWWWWWW. "
Nastinchka (15:07:41): "WHADDAYAMEAN IT'S YOURS?? SANTA WAS HERE!! AWWW!!!!"
Nastinchka (15:07:54): I laughed for, like, twenty minutes. I was paralyzed with hilarity.

jangel139 (03:45:23): It would be ungrateful for me to be anything less than full of love for my life, after considering you, Ben, Ashley, Sewell, and 36

LiviaHarlowe (15:28:17): i just made two away messages entitled "happy holidays *****" and "happy holidays ****" comprised of our cruelly witty commentary
Nastinchka (15:28:40): Awesome. let's see 'em.
LiviaHarlowe (15:30:02): *****'s I cant put up yet. ****'s is basically a compilation of my peanut butter cup remark and your arm-cutting montage, with a dash of rancor and howling disgust thrown in for flavor

rhysfeezled (15:46:41): man, i can see the christmas carols now: Deck the halls and disembowel, fa la la la la, let's kill that bitch!
Auto response from Nastinchka (15:46:41): JOAN: i am both filled with christmas cheer and filled with the cold desire to watch *****'s bone marrow leak out of her crumpled body. I'd like to trim the Christmas tree....with her BONES.
HOLLY: We can put her vapid skull on top.
JOAN: No, it won't be in one piece anymore. I kind of thought we could make an advent wreath, except instead of candles, it would be her organs.
rhysfeezled (15:48:16): it puts the presents in the stocking, or ends up like steven hawking...

jangel139 (15:43:04): You've blushed twice in 24 hours, you realize that, right?
Nastinchka (15:44:14): *fingernail tap*....I know......
Nastinchka (15:44:27): It's the fucking holidays.

And just to show we haven't completely lost our sense of humor.....Brain-Twin funny:
LiviaHarlowe (16:13:37): Holly, volience breeds volience.
Nastinchka (16:13:42): ROTFL
Nastinchka (16:13:49): I forgot about that shit.
LiviaHarlowe (16:15:01): I didn't.

LiviaHarlowe (15:08:31): Stewart, on his fear that he will die while getting teeth removed: " picture me riding a pony, thats how i want to be remembered"
Nastinchka (15:08:37): ROTFL
Nastinchka (15:08:43): Does he have to have his wisdom teef out?
LiviaHarlowe (15:08:54): just one. but its the day before new years eve
Nastinchka (15:08:57): CAN WE GO TO MACON DRESSED LIKE BATS???????????
Nastinchka (15:09:02): PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE
LiviaHarlowe (15:09:20): NO
Nastinchka (15:09:49): *sniff* 'kay.
LiviaHarlowe (15:11:01): my sweet dick, it's magic
Nastinchka (15:11:10): That is SO much creepier in text.

LiviaHarlowe: Tuh...Tuh....Tooooooo....Tooooooonuhhhhh....TUNA MELT! TUNA MELT!
stewball103183: oh sure... sure sure sure sure... kick a guy when hes in macon, well thats alright ill just go beat my wife i never tell any of yall about and then ill drink myself stupid and do it again, ill tell betty you said hi.
LiviaHarlowe: Poor Betty. She made her bed and now she has to eat her cake through the mouthful of broken teeth you gave her
LiviaHarlowe (15:34:02): i am rolling.
Nastinchka (15:34:04): I like how "Macon" substitutes for "down" in that sentence.
LiviaHarlowe (15:34:24): Me too

stewball103183: naw i just beat her with a sack of oranges... keeps her from getting too bruised up
LiviaHarlowe: and then you make her bake you a cake with the oranges.
stewball103183: cake, you think she gets cake? Hell no, i dont want no fat wife weighing me down shes gotta be skinny so i can throw her around!
stewball103183: cake is for wives that dont get themselves pregnant
Nastinchka (15:39:27): JESUS.
LiviaHarlowe (15:40:02): I KNOW

LiviaHarlowe (18:50:56): joan and k*** re: Batboy
LiviaHarlowe (18:51:00): T*********: travis has a copy. normal one not freaky rape young girls travis
LiviaHarlowe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
LiviaHarlowe: i want that to be my new voicemail greeting. "hi, this is joan, not freaky rape young girls travis"
Nastinchka (18:51:12): From the mouths of babes. Lit'rally.

LiviaHarlowe (15:01:25): AHHH
LiviaHarlowe (15:01:31): I WENT TO THE RUSH IN FARRAGUT LAST NIGHT
Nastinchka (15:01:36): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Nastinchka (15:01:40): jennifer s********?
LiviaHarlowe (15:01:43): AND AS I WAS LEAVING, WITH MY HEADPHONES ON LISTENING TO BATBOY....
Nastinchka (15:01:46): Anna?
LiviaHarlowe (15:01:49): I WAS TAPPED ON THE SHOULDER BY....
LiviaHarlowe (15:01:52): NONE OTHER THAN....
Nastinchka (15:01:54): pennywise?
LiviaHarlowe (15:01:56): R**** EFFING D****
Nastinchka (15:02:01): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LiviaHarlowe (15:02:07): sweating like a greased monkey
Nastinchka (15:02:12): Did you get drunk from inhaling?
LiviaHarlowe (15:02:23): my skin went from a healthy girlish glow to puce in like 2 seconds
Nastinchka (15:02:34): Heh. Puce.
LiviaHarlowe (15:03:38): It was so, so awkward. I thought about screaming "Look! It's Jack Daniels!" and then running.
Nastinchka (15:03:54): THAT WOULD TOTALLY WORK.
LiviaHarlowe (15:04:03): i know, right?

LiviaHarlowe (14:56:23): so ryan and i went to buy the EE at midnight but i have yet to watch it because i promised sean we would watch it alone together and we cant until 6
LiviaHarlowe (14:57:10): but it is beautiful
LiviaHarlowe (14:57:13): and smells nice
Nastinchka (14:58:14): EEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Nastinchka (14:58:30): And is good-looking in a non-threatening way.
Nastinchka (14:58:34): Is it bloo?
Nastinchka (14:58:37): They say it's bloo.
LiviaHarlowe (14:59:22): and indeed it is
Nastinchka (14:59:53): I'm taking that as a personal shout-out.
LiviaHarlowe (15:00:13): alright.
Nastinchka (15:00:20): Because if you can't usurp an entire color family for your own self-edification, you're not having enough fun in show business.
LiviaHarlowe (15:01:23): gotta dance....

Nastinchka (15:25:31): Who else can we use for that example?
Nastinchka (15:25:35): Danny?
LiviaHarlowe (15:25:40): that was my first thought
Nastinchka (15:25:43): Of course.
LiviaHarlowe (15:25:44): JOEL OSTEEN
Nastinchka (15:25:49): YES.
Nastinchka (15:25:51): DONE AND DONE.
LiviaHarlowe (15:25:56): i miss you.
Nastinchka (15:26:12): I miss you too.

Nastinchka (17:06:24): Cause we were really trying to be coy, all of us. If we wanted to be hidden we would've been. We left a trail because we can. They can't touch us.

Nastinchka (12:20:00): Yeah, but we're on the side of the angels.

I've looked on tempests and not been shaken

It's called a changeover.

It's the end of the semester and I haven't done a straight-up Post since This One. Well, no sense breaking that streak now. The movie keeps going, and no one in the audience has any idea.

Confidential to Cara: You were righter than you knew about "Sorry or Please".

Confidential to My Favorite: You, my dear, were righter than Cara, if that's possible.

Confidential to NY: You sure are compulsive about reading this thing. Scared?

Confidential to Hurricane: Break a leg, baby.

Confidential to Joy: Thanks.

I want you to hit me as hard as you can

Laff Riot 15: Laff in the Time of Cholera

Monday got away from me, somehow.

Rejoice, ye multitudes, for man ALIVE did we ever land some screamers:

Once Upon A Time.....later:
Nastinchka (00:31:11): Y'all got drama?
Allais500 (00:31:14): Never.
Nastinchka (00:31:20): *sad smirk*
Allais500 (00:31:26): I haven never been involved in drama in all of my life, H____ A_______.
Nastinchka (00:31:34): Me neither, C___ C__.
Nastinchka (00:31:42): Now we're both ID'd. FUck.
Allais500 (00:31:44): I do not even know the meaning of the word.
Allais500 (00:31:47): Shit.
Nastinchka (00:31:49): Hello, Echelon.
Allais500 (00:31:55): Erase! Abort!
Allais500 (00:32:22): Everything is drama, are you kidding me?
Nastinchka (00:32:23): I'll delete this transcript when we're done, methinks.
Nastinchka (00:32:29): It's getting loadeder by the minute.
Allais500 (00:32:43): Me too, thank god for secure trash emptying...you on Desdemona?
Nastinchka (00:32:48): I delete all of them after they're purged for Snarks.
Nastinchka (00:32:55): No, my Dell-baby, so much the better.
Allais500 (00:32:59): Of course, because I don't think I've mentioned booze once.
Nastinchka (00:33:05): HAHAHAHAHA
Allais500 (00:33:16): So I have no idea what you'd post from this.
Nastinchka (00:33:23): ...Well, that.

Yeah, it's finals week:
Nastinchka (07:05:08): I'm so bored with my presentation I'm trying to figure out ways I can plug my own website in it.
Auto response from kaitlinwithani (07:05:10): i have reached the point where i dont know what this paper is about anymore

And what kind of week has it been?
KeiranOHara (23:55:31): we need to start a clinic
Nastinchka (23:55:37): No. Kidding.
KeiranOHara (23:56:09): i dont understand how women can let us go on living
KeiranOHara (23:56:18): i've been my share of asshole
Nastinchka (23:56:32): yeah, but not like this.
Nastinchka (23:56:35): Or I'd've killed you.
KeiranOHara (23:56:39): i've even used the girl trick
Nastinchka (23:56:48): So've I
KeiranOHara (23:56:54): but not in public, not on the internet, you either
Nastinchka (23:58:56): I'm going to kill him in the face.

The same night:
Allais500 (00:25:09): That's it, I already told Jesse I was putting the kibosh on relationships, worldwide, effective immediately. Someone has contaminated the pool and we must all get out or perich.
Nastinchka (00:25:20): NO. KIDDING.
Allais500 (00:25:25): That was perish.
Allais500 (00:25:31): For those of you playing at home.
Nastinchka (00:25:36): I speak Tormented Typist, no worries.
Allais500 (00:25:51): The stars are fucked up or something.
Nastinchka (00:26:29): THe stars are on their eighth margarita.
Allais500 (00:26:40): ROTFL
Allais500 (00:26:53): The stars are on another coke binge.
Nastinchka (00:27:13): YES.
Allais500 (00:27:20): Love is in the air, everywhere, just always for OTHER people.
Nastinchka (00:27:21): ROTFindespairbutlaughing
Allais500 (00:27:33): Right there next to you.
Allais500 (00:28:02): Everyone on the planet is THAT guy/girl right now.
Allais500 (00:28:10): I'm dead serious.
Nastinchka (00:28:38): I KNOW!!!!
Allais500 (00:29:00): I told Jesse he needed to bring his moral grounding back, because we're just running wild in the street, booty shakin', ain't nobody readin'.....
Nastinchka (00:29:32): Can we have a civilization?

Immediately following the World Series:
Nastinchka (00:14:12): HAHAHAHAHA.....all this talk of 'keeping the faith' cracks me up.
Nastinchka (00:14:21): It's more like "nowhere to go but up".
nicodemus055 (00:14:32): Heh
Nastinchka (00:14:36): Boston fans, despair. Finally, it CAN get worse.

Circa Halloween:
Nastinchka (20:45:12): So I left my building to walk to the party.
Nastinchka (20:45:32): And found myself behind these five gentlemen who, as it happened, were going to the same party.
Nastinchka (20:45:52): And they were all wearing body tights and sandwich boards cut out and colored to look like tetris blocks.
Nastinchka (20:46:17): And there was a guy with them carrying a boom box that was playing a techno remix of the Tetris theme.
Nastinchka (20:46:22): And they danced in formation.
Nastinchka (20:46:31): It was Fucking Glorious.
ORtwaddle (20:46:48): holy shit. if i were gay, i would make out with all of them at the same time just for that. thank goodness i'm straight.
Nastinchka (20:47:09): I gave it very serious thought, I don't mind telling you.

Nastinchka (22:16:23): The smack-talk doth flow. Our mouths are as loose as our morals.
Big Evil (22:16:25): Hmmm... there's a video there, somewhere. Grad school, here I come!

Right after we got home from watching Raise Your Voice, totally wasted, at the Dirty Dollar:
nicodemus055 (23:43:36): You Ok?
Nastinchka (23:44:06): <---drunk.
Nastinchka (23:44:14): <---pretty
nicodemus055 (23:44:29): Lol
nicodemus055 (23:44:32): <---sober
Nastinchka (23:44:36): WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
nicodemus055 (23:44:42): I had nightmares about my physics test during my nap.
Nastinchka (23:44:45): I thought "there is not enough alcohol in the world to make me keep watching this movie."
Nastinchka (23:44:52): But I was wrong.

Funny only to a few, but enough to make it worthy, and a lovely image besides:
jangel139: Oh, Mrs. Peterson is the Devil in a Christmas vest.

Ladies and gentlemen, the return of Lunchbox:
Eegah820690903 (13:18:19): I'll go out on a limb then, considering newfound sudden validation of my superior relationship counseling skills: Here Goes: Ok: Coming Soon: Relationship Advice: From A Freakish-Manchild Grandeur of Delusional Man. Ok.
Eegah820690903 (13:18:24): ...Gimme a minute.

jangel139: You better be at my graduation. You and Holly. With bells on. And nothing else.
KeiranOHara: i'll need a rather large bell
KeiranOHara: can i wear the frendship bell?

During the Colts-Chiefs game:
Nastinchka (16:16:27): PEYTON HAS THROWN FOR 441 YARDS TODAY, WHICH IS A CAREER HIGH FOR HIM.
Nastinchka (16:16:41): HE HAS THROWN FOR FIVE TOUCHDOWNS, BUT IT WILL NOT SAVE THE COLTS.
Nastinchka (16:16:51): THE WHOLE FUCKING DEFENSE NEEDS A SPANKING.
Nastinchka (16:16:54): AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.
Nastinchka (16:17:06): GOD FUCKING CHRIST.
nicodemus055 (16:17:31): The Patriots are about to school Pittsburgh.
Nastinchka (16:17:34): I KNOW
Nastinchka (16:17:39): I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS GAME
Nastinchka (16:17:50): BUT RIGHT NOW THE COLTS ARE DOWN BY TEN WITH 2:17 LEFT.
Nastinchka (16:18:14): FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Nastinchka (16:18:15): FUCK.
Nastinchka (16:18:31): HE CAN'T BEAT AN ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAM BY HIMSELF.
Nastinchka (16:18:39): THOUGH THE DEFENSE SEEMS CONTENT TO LET HIM TRY.
nicodemus055 (16:21:41): Your fucking Colts are delaying my Patriots. CBS is playing your crappy game.
Auto response from Nastinchka (16:21:41): Come on, now, Stokely. Justify my love. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, COLTS DEFENSE, PEYTON CAN'T DO EVERYTHING HIMSELF. WHY ARE YOU MAKING HIM CARRY YOUR GREEN ASSES??
Nastinchka (16:22:20): THEY ONLY CUT IN FOR THE LAST THREE MINUTES OF THE GAME. THIS IS THE SECOND WEEK IN A ROW THE COLTS HAVE BEEN PREEMPTED FOR THE FUCKING TITANS.
Nastinchka (16:22:35): EVERY TIME I HAVEN'T SEEN A COLTS GAME THIS SEASON THEY'VE LOST.
Nastinchka (16:22:45): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
nicodemus055 (16:22:47): Heh.
nicodemus055 (16:22:59): But if I miss a Patriots touchdown I shall be most displeased.
Nastinchka (16:23:09): THERE WILL BE MANY, MANY PATRIOTS TOUCHDOWNS.
Nastinchka (16:23:20): TOM BRADY'S WINNING SMILE IS NOTHING NEXT TO THE MAJESTY OF PEYTON.
nicodemus055 (16:24:26): Now they're talking about showing San Diego instead of the Patriots.
Nastinchka (16:25:07): NO, THEY WON'T. IT GOES BY TIME ZONE.
Nastinchka (16:24:52): FUCKING REPROBATES CAN'T STOP A KITTEN, LET ALONE THE KC LINE.
Nastinchka (16:25:23): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
nicodemus055 (16:25:26): Pick for Peyton. Sorry. [As if I weren't watching. Bastard.]
Nastinchka (16:25:26): AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Nastinchka (16:26:09): HE CAN;T DO EVERYTHING.
Nastinchka (16:26:17): FUCK FUCK FUCK ,
Nastinchka (16:26:21): BARBRA STREISAND
Nastinchka (16:26:22): FUC,K

No, I don't know either:
Allais500 (20:12:25): Green means go.
Nastinchka (20:12:30): VROOM.
Allais500 (20:12:40): Chugga-chugga.
Allais500 (20:12:45): Sputter.
Allais500 (20:12:47): Cough.
Nastinchka (20:12:50): Wheeze
Allais500 (20:13:33): Well, that was a bust.
Nastinchka (20:14:26): You're a bust.
Allais500 (20:14:31): I have a bust.
Nastinchka (20:14:37): Don't I know it.
Allais500 (20:14:46): Pot. Kettle. Black.
Nastinchka (20:14:51): What's up.

anonymous (20:37:17): I asked two perfectly-phrased and thought-provoking questions in MEH today after having slept through half of the lecture and having 6 shots of vodka for lunch. I Am Untouchable.
Nastinchka (20:59:43): Good for you, darling, though obviously we'll be discussing the lunch menu.

The Next Day:
anonymous (16:47:41): I see *nothing* wrong with my lunch menu
anonymous(16:48:34): Or rather, nothing you can lecture about after getting drunk on the top floor of the Westtown parking garage at noon.
anonymous (16:48:36): so THERE
anonymous(16:48:41): ... you taught me well.
Nastinchka (17:20:52): I taught you well, but a) it was 10 AM, not noon, and it was a holiday, and b) just because I applaud the stunt doesn't mean I can't worry about you.
Nastinchka (17:21:24): Joan's response upon hearing about yesterday's little escapade, by the way, was highly indignant: "It's not Valentine's Day!"
anonymous (17:22:41): Don't worry. S***** walked me to class so I didn't fall on the waterfall stairs, and M*** got me to MEH and then kept me at school until he was positive I was fine to drive.
anonymous17:22:49): Also, bio was more interesting on monday than it's EVER been
anonymous (17:23:00): and I don't see why Valentine's Day can't be a year-round holiday
Nastinchka (17:23:01): But I don't want you to do that again until school's out. Deal?
anonymous(17:23:07): Okay, fine.
anonymous (17:23:08): Deal.
Nastinchka (17:23:09): Good.

Allais500 (00:22:42): GASP!!! Clutch those pearls, what a sneaky thing to do.

nicodemus055 (19:23:36): You have stopped paying attention to me.
Nastinchka (19:23:45): Not really, no.
nicodemus055 (19:23:46): I do a small dance.
nicodemus055 (19:23:50): A regret dance.
nicodemus055 (19:24:11): The dance will be accompanied by a piccolo.
nicodemus055 (19:24:19): Wow. I'm a bit out of it.
Nastinchka (19:24:25): A bit.

Burn, with apologues to OKC:
KeiranOHara (18:55:10): apparently you have forgotten about our good friend amy...
Auto response from Nastinchka (18:55:10): Though you're inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it's not as one of mass destruction.

LiviaHarlowe (18:10:25): remember that time john made such a big deal about coming to into the woods so he could make amends, then didn't? it doesn't bother me, it amuses me, but it's still a sad commentary on his life.
Nastinchka (18:11:22): Cute but thoughtless?
Nastinchka (18:11:29): Like a really, really pretty goldfish.
Nastinchka (18:11:40): (They have really short attention spans, right?)
Nastinchka (18:11:42): NO.
Nastinchka (18:11:44): WAIT............
Nastinchka (18:11:48): LIKE A HUMMINGBIRD.
LiviaHarlowe (18:11:54): I knew you'd get there eventually.
Nastinchka (18:11:54): AM I FUCKING PRESCIENT OR WHAT?
LiviaHarlowe (18:11:59): SO called that shit.

Nastinchka (00:23:13): You're my favorite, and I don't tell you often enough.
kaitlinwithani (00:24:10): its cause im only [edit] when im cranky and even then im funny... so really you and i are just the same person.
Nastinchka (00:25:36): I think that's why you're my favorite.
Nastinchka (00:25:41): How narcissistic of me.
kaitlinwithani (00:26:12): you mean of us.

nicodemus055 (15:42:19): Enjoy your shower. I watch.
nicodemus055 (15:42:40): Er, the movie.
nicodemus055 (15:42:43): Not you in the shower.
Nastinchka (15:43:03): Right. That would take A Mighty Telescope.
nicodemus055 (15:43:15): I go to MIT. We have those.
Nastinchka (15:43:32): Fo my part, I'll be watching my soapy back.

jangel139: Well, I have a paper to write. So I suppose I should ... go do that ...
jangel139: .... save me save me save me
Nastinchka: *swashbuckles*
jangel139: I'll buckle your swash
jangel139: God, that word is so intrinsically dirty.
Nastinchka: I think I put too much swash in, as it were.
Nastinchka: [scene]
jangel139: ::contented sigh::

Is anyone else bothered by the fact that Nick has so many sports-related snarks?
Nastinchka (19:16:34): A lot of them are good television. For the most part, though, the QBs are smart guys. They have to be.
nicodemus055 (19:17:46): Except for Tom Brady. His brain cells have congealed in his winning smile.

Big Evil (19:54:40): Well... at least your ego has quickly recovered from your tumble. P-)
Nastinchka (19:54:56): Never liked you blah blah blah blatant come-on
Big Evil (19:56:39): Ah! It's like mad libs flirting...
"hey you [inuendo-laden nickname], how about you [verb] over here and [adjective] [verb] me."
Big Evil (19:56:42): Dig it.

Nastinchka (02:42:47): Just tumbled into bed. Reading emails. You?
nicodemus055 (02:44:19): Giving sex advice to an old friend.
nicodemus055 (02:44:24): Sorta
Nastinchka (02:44:32): Lord.
nicodemus055 (02:44:40): I'm not giving tips.
Nastinchka (02:44:50): I would hope not.
Nastinchka (02:45:02): ( I only made that joke because I knew you'd be waiting for it)
nicodemus055 (02:45:07): Why the hell not?
nicodemus055 (02:45:10): Oh.
nicodemus055 (02:45:12): Well, I was.
Nastinchka (02:45:15): I know.
nicodemus055 (02:45:19): But I didn't think you would.
Nastinchka (02:45:22): ;-) gotcha.

These last proud few are destined for some sort of Hall Of Fame. If, by "Hall of Fame", you mean "Pantheon of Oh Hell No We Di'int", and I think we all know that's the case. Take a bow, darlings:

LiviaHarlowe (18:24:15): I had an over-the-phone run-in with Stew's Moo
LiviaHarlowe (18:24:18): it was terrifying
Nastinchka (18:24:22): The hell?
Nastinchka (18:24:48): Spill.
LiviaHarlowe (18:25:42): i was talking to him and she very sweetly came up and was like "stewart, we're having dinner. hang up that motherfucking phone" and he went "it's joan, she just got out of the hospital' and she went "oh, we're glad to hear she's feeling better. now hang up that motherfucking phone before i hit you in the face with it. best wishes to joan". the end.
Nastinchka (18:25:51): WTF
Nastinchka (18:25:55): Are you fucking joking?
LiviaHarlowe (18:26:01): No
LiviaHarlowe (18:26:03): no, i'm not.
Nastinchka (18:26:11): Stewart's gonna come back with a black eye and be alll ".....I fell".
LiviaHarlowe (18:26:18): it was awesome
Nastinchka (18:26:39): OMG, he called me last night at like 1 am and I missed it and I called him back to day and he was all "I hit your number by accident", but I bet it was a cry for help. Awesome.
LiviaHarlowe (18:27:21): Stewart did??
LiviaHarlowe (18:27:23): Weird
Nastinchka (18:28:08): Cry. For. Help.
Nastinchka (18:28:11): I'm telling you.
LiviaHarlowe (18:29:03): it was like a religious experience. i was simultaneously terrified by her wrath and awed by her glorious power.
LiviaHarlowe (18:30:46): then he called me back and told me how his mom exhibited sympathy for me at the table,. then punished him by telling everyone stories about puberty.
Nastinchka (18:31:00): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nastinchka (18:31:07): Clearly, this is someone we need to emulate.
LiviaHarlowe (18:32:13): seriously, i was drawn to her yet filled with holy terror
Nastinchka (18:32:43): So the chat window I had open over yours covered up 'holy terror', and I sweartagod the first word I thought was "Custard".
LiviaHarlowe (18:33:49): from now on i am calling you Venomous Custard Dance Remix 2004
Nastinchka (18:33:56): BITCHIN'.
LiviaHarlowe (18:35:37): I know, right?

Eegah820690903 (08:39:58): also, if you ever get a chance, there's a French short film called 2 Plus 1 that's pretty funny. I enjoyed it in spite of the fact that the french stuff wasn't subtitled at all, and the English was subtitled in French. It was till awesome. Plus there were no clowns in this one
Nastinchka (08:40:23): Yeah, there's that.
Eegah820690903 (08:40:43): always better. God, that clown movie was almost worse than my breakup
Nastinchka (08:41:24): HAHAHAHAHA
Nastinchka (08:41:32): (I can laugh at that, right?)
Eegah820690903 (08:41:40): I hoped you would
Nastinchka (08:41:45): Oh, good.
Nastinchka (08:42:04): *sings* smiiiiiile, though your hearrrrrrrt is brrrreaking.......
Eegah820690903 (08:42:11): take from a MASH fan. You gotta laugh at destruction. Or the terrorists win.

Longest Snark on record that's entirely in code. Believe it or not, to a handful of faithful this will make perfect sense:
Nastinchka (18:15:22): I know, right?
LiviaHarlowe (18:15:32): Shut up. That shirt looks hot on you.
Nastinchka (18:15:49): You look sexy with your hair pushed back.
LiviaHarlowe (18:16:10): Stop trying to make fetch happen. It's not going to happen.
Nastinchka (18:16:27): That is the ugliest effing skirt I"ve ever seen in my life.
LiviaHarlowe (18:17:15): You might think you like somebody, but you could be wrong.
Nastinchka (18:17:34): Get in loser; we're going shopping.
LiviaHarlowe (18:17:41): Again with the creepy roleplaying tone.
Nastinchka (18:17:51): I know, right?........AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
LiviaHarlowe (18:19:03): I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm popular.
Nastinchka (18:19:48): So, are you Puerto Rican?
Nastinchka (18:20:00): AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
LiviaHarlowe (18:20:10): If you're from Africa, why are you white?
Nastinchka (18:20:05): SILK NOG COMMERCIAL
Nastinchka (18:20:09): AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LiviaHarlowe (18:20:11): AHDLKJHQ3REPO6432
LiviaHarlowe (18:20:12): `
LiviaHarlowe (18:20:13): ;EFJG';LMTYHG
LiviaHarlowe (18:20:14): NOOO
Nastinchka (18:20:21): NOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Nastinchka (18:20:59): Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, ok, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers.
Nastinchka (18:21:13): (Also, OMG, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white)
LiviaHarlowe (18:21:26): Boo. You whore.
Nastinchka (18:21:41): ....I know, right?
Nastinchka (18:21:50): (I can't help that it works with EVERYTHING.)
LiviaHarlowe (18:23:04): God.
Nastinchka (18:23:09): Yeah.
Nastinchka (18:23:12): Whatcha doin'?

This one puts Kaitlin in the firmament, forserious:
Nastinchka (23:31:46): Jaysis, I canna type this evening.
kaitlinwithani (23:32:11): i dont know. maybe if ***** would quit biting you, you could function
Nastinchka (23:33:10): He's not here, but that's very true nonetheless.
kaitlinwithani (23:33:19): AND 10 POINTS TO GRIFFINDOR!
kaitlinwithani (23:33:28): and by griffindor i mean me
kaitlinwithani (23:33:40): and i dont think i spelled that right
kaitlinwithani (23:33:52): what can i do. im a little bit of a savant
Nastinchka (23:35:14): Are you drunk now, by any chance?
kaitlinwithani (23:35:28): no. just in rare form.
Nastinchka (23:37:21): I'll say. I'm in awe.

Yeah. Back with a vengeance:
Eegah820690903 (13:50:44): ah, Maureen Dowd, cosy, curmudgeonly, dowd
Nastinchka (13:50:48): Love her.
Nastinchka (13:50:51): Fucking love her.
Eegah820690903 (13:50:53): yep
Eegah820690903 (13:50:55): me too
Nastinchka (13:51:06): You know she dated Sorkin? Wouldn't they have the most alarmingly talented cabbages?
Eegah820690903 (13:51:26): OMFG
Eegah820690903 (13:51:28): no, had no idea
Eegah820690903 (13:51:32): but I can so see it.
Nastinchka (13:51:50): yeah.
Eegah820690903 (13:51:54): i thought to myself one day, I wonder if she's a fan of the WW? And now I must laugh at that for a second.
Eegah820690903 (13:53:40): their spawn would've been one hot liberal. I mean, it would literally come out zinging and writing op-eds. Like, maybe on the walls of her uterus.
Nastinchka (13:54:13): Can't...........breattthe
Eegah820690903 (13:54:39): Her womb would read like so:
Nastinchka (13:55:03): *cringes*
Eegah820690903 (13:55:22): Ok. I can't write like Dowd, or Sorkin. I admit it
Eegah820690903 (13:55:27): hold on a second though
Nastinchka (13:55:46): Holding
Eegah820690903 (13:56:39): ok. I give up. Not. That. Brilliant. gasp. bemoan own lack of brilliance. Search for Sports Night clips...and cry
Nastinchka (13:56:53): Yeah.
Eegah820690903 (13:56:55): that was my AIM performance art: Lament in G-Minor for Sorkinikus Dowdicum

Nastinchka (00:17:42): This is SO getting posted.
Nastinchka (00:17:50): Carefully edited, of course.
kaitlinwithani (00:18:37): its true. oh you are a loser. this is like the best way ever to tell him you like him. post it in the snarks. totally original
Nastinchka (00:19:23): Oh, stoppit. ;-)
kaitlinwithani (00:20:04): why cause you know im right and you dont want an inferiority complex?
Nastinchka (00:20:16): Right in one.

Epilogue:
Nastinchka (01:00:39): Know what we got?
Nastinchka (01:00:44): We got ourselves the makin's.
Allais500 (01:01:00): They are definitely makin's.
Nastinchka (01:01:08): Night, comrade.
Allais500 (01:01:30): Flights of angels...blah blah blah

I just lost, like, four bets

What the hell on earth ever.

The backstory: Missy?s boyfriend, who?s not what you'd call A Gentleman to begin with, makes a post on his website about how it's the two-year anniversary of his breakup with the love of his life (not Missy) and about how he's not sure he'll ever find anything like that again. Names changed to protect our eggs:

Missy: http://www.***************
Missy: the internet kicked me in the stomach.
Missy: love me.
Nastinchka: Oh, this can't be good.
Nastinchka: Hang on.
Nastinchka: Oh, for fuck's sake.
Nastinchka: He needs to quit testing you.
Nastinchka: ******* did the same goddamned thing today. This is ridiculous.
Missy: Why is he doing this?
Nastinchka: Don't let this slide.
Missy: I don't understand.
Missy: I sent him a v. civil email.
Nastinchka: And don't be passive-aggressive about it, either.
Nastinchka: He's testing you. He's using a girl trick on you.
Missy: It may have been passive-aggressive, I'm not sure.
Nastinchka: If you're not sure, it was.
Nastinchka: You're you. it was.
Nastinchka: You *have* to talk about this.
Missy: I just said, don't you know that when you say things like " [quote] " it's quite literally a kick in the stomach to me? I know I'm not what she was to you and I can't ever be,
Missy: but do you have to make sure that I and everyone I know knows it?
Nastinchka: I know I'm not what she was to you and I can't ever be, <---- OK, good start, but right there's your mistake.
Nastinchka: Don't sell yourself short. Did you not look in a mirror today?
Missy: Whatever. He doesn't fucking want to hear about my past so I can't even do this back at him. It cuts me like a fucking knife that [her ex] is with [a loathsome enemy of ours] and what have I said or posted? Nothing. That's right.
Missy: He doesn't love me, Holly. He doesn't think I CAN be what she was.
Nastinchka: Yeah, you want to tell me again why this relationship brings you anything positive?
Nastinchka: BILLY IS NOT THE LAST SMART PERSON WHO WILL EVER LOVE YOU.
Nastinchka: HE IS A FUCKING CHILD.
Missy: So am i.
Missy: I mean ... I don't know.
Nastinchka: IF HE WANTS A TWO YEAR OLD MEMORY, HOPE THAT THEY WILL BE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER AND SEND HIM ON HIS WAY.
Missy: Ah. I am reminded of why I love you.
Nastinchka: GOOD.
Nastinchka: And I'm reminded of how hard this was.
Missy: God, when it's bad it's so bad.
Missy: But when it's not
Nastinchka: TOUGH.
Nastinchka: This isn't bad. This is Usual.
Nastinchka: And you deserve so much better.
Missy: I don't ALWAYS feel like the second choice
Nastinchka: You should NEVER be the second choice, and what's really pissing me off is that YOU KNOW THAT.
Missy: yeah.
Nastinchka: Do you really want to be dating a diva?
Nastinchka: Do you want to be dating a drama queen? You?ve got enough on y'own.
Nastinchka: That's a Girl Trick, and it's bullshit, and you need to not be with someone who treats you like that.
Nastinchka: Which you also know.
Missy: Okay, so I have two questions. If you were me, what would you do? And also, if you were me, would you be able to cut this off? You remember ...
Nastinchka: HOW can you reward this? Cut. The. Cord.
Missy: ::anguished sigh::
Nastinchka: Missy: He doesn't love me, Holly. He doesn't think I CAN be what she was. <-----How do we do this? Girls, I mean? How do we convince ourselves that this is acceptable?
Missy: God, I don't know. Boredom. The lack of a better option. The desire to not spend senior year lonely because so many of my friend-friends are gone. Not good reasons, but there are some.
Nastinchka: You're stronger than this.
Nastinchka: Take a step back, and realize what you're saying about yourself. Boredom? That's a cop-out answer.
Nastinchka: Realize that you're really saying you don't want to go through senior year without a boyfriend.
Nastinchka: You have S*****, right? He's crazy about you, right? Right? Take a vacation. Be adored.
Nastinchka: When, by all rights, you should NEED a vacation from BEING adored.
Missy: I know, I know.
Nastinchka: And yes, it took two years with Nick and a cataclysmic breakup to get me where I am now, and there's a big part of me and most of Nick that says we should let you keep making this mistake because it made us smarter.
Nastinchka: But I can't. Stand. Seeing. You. Like. This.
Nastinchka: Listen to yourself. How is this good? How is this even acceptable? Now, look at yourself. If that's really your concern, how long do you think you'll stay single?
Nastinchka: Just because his friends disapprove doesn't mean you should be together.
Nastinchka: And one more thing.
Nastinchka: You?
Nastinchka: have GOT to
Nastinchka: GOT. TO.
Nastinchka: Get OFF this fantasy carousel you're on that's got you thinking Forbidden Love is the be-all end-all Whatever.
Missy: Oh, that.
Nastinchka: Yeah, it's romantic. Until someone gets hurt.
Nastinchka: Sometimes 'not right' is not sexy. Sometimes it's just wrong.
Missy: Okay, I cannot argue with that.
Nastinchka: And just to show you how mad I am, the first two times I wrote that I typed "sometime's".
Nastinchka: There. That's my love for you.
Nastinchka: Go write your paper. We will talk later.
Missy: I do love you. I call you.
Nastinchka: kay. Kisses.
Missy: kisses.

Look. Not to name names. But it's always the smartest women I know that do this kind of thing, and this time's no exception a'tall. Like how she devolves out of capitalization midway through? Me neither. Hey, girls, you're all smart; you tell me: Are we so relieved just to find someone who doesn't resent our intelligence and the fact that we don't need to be fucking rescued that we will contintually subject ourselves to this Utter Nonsense? I spoke with "Missy" on the phone right after we had the above conversation. Not too far into things, she dropped this on me: "Well, I never tell you when he does nice things for me." .....Light-of-my-life, do you not realize how clinical that response is? You could be on an after-school special with a line like that. Saying this guy is conniving or cruel would be giving him too much credit in the way of capacity for abstract thought. He's nothing, NOTHING but Common Trash who doesn't deserve the presence of one of our own, to say nothing of sexual favors.

And worst of all? He doesn't work alone. If we looked empirically at what we put ourselves through for these mewling reprobates, we'd be physically ill (and maybe lesbians). And I'm using the plural pronoun because I've had more than a taste of it this year as well. It's well past for me now, but that's long from meaning it's not a God Damned Pandemic. And it Has To Stop.

Hey, girls? Still listening? With only one example in each of our lives, which are, angels and ministers of grace preserve us, far in the future, THESE ARE NOT THE LAST GUYS WHO WILL EVER LOVE US. Do yourselves a favor. Find someone who makes you want to be smarter (in a courtly-love kinda way, not a sorry-I-burned-dinner-baby kinda way), and be sure he makes you laugh. Find him, or find her, and Be Excellent To Each Other. For all our sakes. It's Christmas.

You go to hell and you die