Snarkastic

Tabula Rasa

Well, it's not for another thirteen hours, but I won't be here, so love, actually, to Big Evil, Joy, Lauren, Jason, Kaitlin, Michael, Jeremy, Tolsun, Elyse, and Joan, for their parts in the celebrations and overall fabulosity.

It's a word. What?

Te Amo carved in stone says "I love you" like nothing else.

I've never liked you.

So it's not like we're liveblogging the Golden Globes to banish the sting of the football game....except that's totally what we're doing. The hits:

• 23:01: I feel better already. G'night.
• 22:59: Scorsese. About God Damned Time.
• 22:58: Is Nicole Kidman's dress an NBC shoutout? Is it in her contract?
• 22:55: Goldie Hawn: "The nominees for Best Picture are..."
  Holly: "How would you know, Overboard?"
  "Oh, I have the answer."
  Well played, Hawn. Well played.
  The Sideways girls look so pretty!
• 22:50: "Is there anyone else...just kidding!" Well played, Swank. Well played.
• 22:47: Joan: "I like Hilary Swank, but I'm sick of her winning awards for playing men."
  Holly: "Boys don't cry, but neither do they fuck Chad Lowe."
• 22:45: I swear to God, the announcer just said the following words: "Ladies and gentlemen, Cecil B. DeMille Award winner and star of Meet The Fockers, Dustin Hoffman."
• 22:35: Leo's speech...classy! Sincere! Articulate! Who knew?
• 22:27: And what does he do then? Advocate man-kissing between Gerard Depardieu and Jeffrey Katzenberg! And make fun of dancers! "For offering me a shelter in the midst of schadenfdreude." I love everything.
• 22:25: Robin Williams mentions there is an open bar. This explains so much Mick Jagger and Diane Keaton.
• 22:21: Mike Nichols: "Robin, come and get it." And he just jumps onstage. Bawwwwww.
• 22:09: I have to go see Ray now. Just because of that speech.
• 22:08: Jesus...."I didn't believe it, but I got a feelin'."
• 22:07: He's still talking, but he appears to know from talking. "I'd like to thank my publicist for telling me when you go down to Miami for New Year's, don't mess it up. And I was about two drinks away from messing it up but I didn't."
• 22:04: Listen, Jamie Foxx's acceptance speech is a gem. I can't possibly do it justice, so stop whatever you're doing and go dig up a clip. Seriously. He's talking about how he wishes he could put this night into the water system so everyone could feel what he's feeling. And telling stories about Ray yelling at him when he played the wrong notes.
• 22:03: So's her outfit.
• 22:02: The intros to the Best Picture nominees are actually really good. Also, Diane Keaton's wasted.
• 21:57: The mere presence of Prince is hilarious. The room ponders: How does he get up onto the camel?
• 21:52: Mick Jagger's speech is Gold. First he thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press for 'acting as a push-up bra' to his unknown song. Then he thanked everone who works at Paramount, and "everyone who WAS working at Paramount". The Room: "Burn!!" Then when the other guy started thanking his kids, he cuts in and says "All our children, there're so many, we're not gonna mention it."
• 21:47: Stella: "What are we supposed to write now? 'Um....Howard Shore wins something else'?"
• 21:28: Teri Hatcher is Too Cute. When she went up to the podium to accept her award, she was all, "That's our theme music! I've never heard it like that before!" And before she left the stage: "This is kinda fun."
• 21:27: So right as they're going to commercial they cut to this blonde woman next to Denis Leary (is that his wife?) doing an alarmingly (all the more so for being apparently unintentional) uncanny Denis Leary impersonation.
• 21:26: Good for Sideways. "Oh! This is livin'." "Big FOX". "Our table and the Kinsey table".
• 21:11: Geoffrey Rush: "I have really been carried up here on the beautiful shoulders of some extraordinary people."
• 21:09: Okay, so Meryl Streep just got up onstage and put the fear of God into Natalie Portman. I can die happy. Or at least go to sleep with a smile on my face.
• 21:05: I hadn't really realized how good the nominees are.
• 21:01 There's no way I'll be able to turn this off now. Someone's up onstage crying during their speech, and they cut to a shot of Liam Neeson openly mocking them. Bitchin'.
• 21:00: Nip/Tuck!! Nip/Tuck!! Ryan Murphy's acceptance speech? PRICELESS.
• 20:58: More awards love for Arrested Development, though Jason Bateman's speech seems...well, it's long.
• 20:56: What have we missed? Clive Owen (W00t) and Natalie Portman (meh) won. Does this bode well for Mike Nichols? Developing.....

Tick tock you don't stop

Manning/Stokley '08

You're on my fantasy team!!

Reveille

It's a beautiful day.

" We wish all of our readers a very merry Christmas and happy holiday season, and we're looking forward to another year where you're far more naughty than you are nice. May your days be filled with back-nine pickups, three-picture deals, and temporary immunity from the next inevitable round of Miramax layoffs. Cheers!"

We can't train a cat that quickly.

Even with everything that happened last month, I can't reconcile myself to the fact that I forgot to write about Ocean's Twelve until Jesse told me he was going to see it. I saw it twice in 36 hours, and still can't get enough. I'm woefully short of adjectives, so as ever, I'll turn to J-rock: "Have you a pulse? Great, go see it." It's the shiny, sparkly star atop my Ten Best list for 2004, the rest of which will be up soonerthansoon.

Inflickted: Ocean's Twelve *****