Snarkastic

Mr. Moundshroud, who are YOU?

It's a mark of the pressure, misery, and desperation of the past few weeks that I made it to Halloween this year without some giddy October-stroking entry.

Nota bene, though: I made it to Halloween.

I love you, Joe Pipkin. Forever and ever.

When you reach the stars, boy, yes, and live there forever, all the fears will go,

THEN YOU MARRIED INTO MONEY, SQUIRREL

The search strings that send y'all here keep getting weirder:

the weatherman is dead sound
you're married to your friends st elmo's fire
moonbathing pub crawl
squelchies
lindsay lohan insults
What's the plural of apocalypse
asylum tooles bend road
hurricane shutter concrete screw guns
penis brittle
i'm harry fucking potter
ladder 49 whole plot
no time for love docta jones!
pennywise the dancing clown pictures
the way to a man's heart is through his ribs
when the wicked stand confounded
writings OR book OR mean Barbara Bush meanest
booty bump grind dance video bend over
the morning will come when the world is ours
song on the butterfly effect
jamie foxx's skull tattoo
flying legion jacket
the snarks theatre NY
bling moves me to tears
buffalo calf stuck hooves showing
nathan road hotel in china
bat boy synopsis with spoilers
easy DZ
having fun with pop-rocks
i know i seems an insane person
Does anyone else smell Astroglide
funny underwear
how to raise cows
schadenfreudian
shiny underwear
baby fox picture
loud is the new good
cuckoldry
coke and sudafed
College boy fucking to man snarkastic
pearl harbor sucks and I miss you
pictures of pennywise the clown
van helsing snarkastic
Vote for Summer buttons
DJ Big Evil CRUNK
Insane Asylum on Tooles bend of knoxville tennessee
Starsky and hutch HoYay!
BT's Cock hanging out
lija malta
America this is you song listen
cofuck
Margulies pronounce
cows and chickens and cats and dogs
electric revival
I'm a beautiful animal a destroyer of worlds i am harry fucking potter
man in the big yellow hat costume

"That's crazy, but it'd be a bitchin' premise for a TV show."

Confidential to Harlowe & Moran:

Hypothetical pitch: SuperNanny - The Final Solution.

• Too much?
• Should that stop us?

Rhythm is a dancer. You are not.

Laff Riot 25: Bait and Snark

What you need to know about this week:

• My L key quit working a few days ago. I swear I'm not as drunk as my typing is about to make me look. (I am, however, carrying more Benadryl in my veins than blood. It's strep season. Misteaks will be made.)
• The target audience this week is infinitesimal, even for us. Those not intimately familiar with the "reality show" shot at Tor2Ga last fall, the works of Tennessee Williams, the life of Thomas Jefferson, the hit Off-Broadway musical Bat Boy, the canon of Ryan Murphy, the nuances of ABC's Wednesday primetime lineup, and the unsung cinematic masterpiece The Cutting Edge will find this entry screamingly unfunny.
• We haven't had red meat in a really long time.

Previously on Snark Night:
Nastinchka: Most of these consist of us making fun of Rhys's wedding.
LiviaHarlowe: shit
LiviaHarlowe: does that mean you can't post them
Nastinchka: Nope.
LiviaHarlowe: good
Nastinchka: (Have we met?)
LiviaHarlowe: just wanted to check

Don't ask:
8:39:55 PM Nastinchka: (Malaria? WTF?)
8:40:09 PM T$: malaria is what you get when you travel outside tennessee.
8:40:23 PM Nastinchka: Where'd he go? Mississippi?
8:40:27 PM T$: zzzzzzing! ouch.
8:40:46 PM T$: sudan. i think it's on the alabama-georgia border.
8:41:08 PM Nastinchka: ...I suddenly feel so much more prepared for the GRE.
8:41:51 PM T$: you're getting this advice courtesy of a kaplan tutor
8:41:51 PM T$: stop. think. predict. scan.

Nastinchka: Let's go to the Texas Roadhouse that just opened in Turkey Creek, For Real this time.
LiviaHarlowe: YES.
LiviaHarlowe: then we'll be close to the stadium and full of STEAK
Nastinchka: And STEAK
Nastinchka: steaky steak steak
LiviaHarlowe: meat.
Nastinchka: meat
Nastinchka: Not that he'll come, but we should invite Madam. His Revolutionary-War-era smack talk will provide levity, and we can dress him up like a leprechaun.
LiviaHarlowe: I can't think of a worse idea than to show back up at Webb with Jay.
Nastinchka: ...sporting a huge diamond and a fake pregnancy tummy?
LiviaHarlowe: Yeah, No.

Names withheld to dodge the wrath of the Crazier-Than-Us:
Nastinchka: I think it took him dating someone who was REALLY crazy to realize how lucky he is to have access to "Betty"'s brand of crazy.
LiviaHarlowe: Yeah, "Betty" is like "whoo! let's streak!!" crazy. "Sally" is like "I MADE YOU A CUMMERBUND OUT OF MY HAIR" crazy.
Nastinchka: For real. "Betty"'s all, "I'm gonna sulk and pout for a while", and "Sally"'s all "I TOLD THE INTERNETS WE WERE MARRIED!!"
LiviaHarlowe: seriously.

Go Blue:
Nastinchka: 24-3 PEYTON
jangel139: I SAW
jangel139: IT'S SO PRETTY
Nastinchka: AND SHINY
jangel139: CAN I HOLD HER
Nastinchka: SEE IF STEVE MCNAIR LIKES FRITOS

4:52:42 PM Nastinchka: I didn't know you made a movie with K___.
4:54:36 PM LiviaHarlowe: i want to see it
4:54:40 PM LiviaHarlowe: but i want to take sqiudley
4:54:43 PM Nastinchka: Duh.
4:54:56 PM Nastinchka: We can ask the usher very seriously for a booster seat.
4:55:14 PM Nastinchka: And if he balks in any way, you launch into your Squid Baby Adoption monologue from Hand of Glory.
4:55:57 PM LiviaHarlowe: It's all planned out.

5:01:12 PM LiviaHarlowe: i want an iPod soooo bad....even an iPod stapler.
5:01:39 PM Nastinchka: You can buy mine for cheaper if you want, so I can buy one of the new ones.
5:02:06 PM LiviaHarlowe: No, I want a shiny new black one
5:02:10 PM Nastinchka: ME. TOO.
5:02:24 PM Nastinchka: And now EVERYONE in my damn FAMILY has one, so I can't even give it away.
5:02:51 PM LiviaHarlowe: the black is just so seductive
5:02:53 PM Nastinchka: THe worst part is that the shiny new black ones cost EXACTLY THE SAME as the one I've got that's about a month old, AND THEY PLAY DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. FUCK.
5:03:11 PM LiviaHarlowe: Ouch.
5:03:11 PM Nastinchka: It would figure I've got the ONE model they're never gonna release in black.
5:03:27 PM LiviaHarlowe: I want my black iPod to alternately play musical soundtracks and episodes of Lost.
5:03:40 PM Nastinchka: Yesh.
5:04:26 PM LiviaHarlowe: I want to watch Locke and Boone ferret around at the hatch while Kaitlin Hopkins belts Three-Bedroom House into my ears.
5:04:32 PM LiviaHarlowe: It might give me a plot revelation.
5:04:43 PM Nastinchka: Couldn't hurt, at this point.

Hoo's Our big college girl?
9:27:57 AM jangel139 (Autoreply): 220s: Your Mom's An Alcoholic, And So Are We.
(I love ALCOHOL, BITCH!)

Nastinchka: WTF?!? Nicolas Cage named his newborn son KAL-EL.
LiviaHarlowe: I want to name my baby General Zod.
Nastinchka: I'm fond of Aqua-man, myself.
LiviaHarlowe: Every time I have to change its diaper I just scream "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD"
LiviaHarlowe: and then i shoot lasers out of my eyes and turn a live snake into a dead twig, like in the movie.
LiviaHarlowe: that bitch was awesome.

8:38:09 PM T$: YOU WILL GET INTO GRAD SCHOOL. YOU GRADUATED SUMMA. YOU'RE AMONG THE TEN SMARTEST PEOPLE I HAVE EVER KNOWN.
8:38:20 PM T$: not counting me. if i count myself, you're automatically knocked out. sorry.

Nastinchka: He's v. indulgent as far as my unthinking transgressions, but if there's a hint I meant to do it, it's Hammer Time, and not in a sexy way.

Nastinchka: TWO MORE PEOPLE JOINED OUR NAPOLEON DYNAMITE HATE GROUP
LiviaHarlowe: YES
LiviaHarlowe: the movement is spreading!!
Nastinchka: HAPPY JUMP
LiviaHarlowe: eeee
Nastinchka: *nods sagely* eeeeee.
LiviaHarlowe: guess what I'm doing.
Nastinchka: Being nice to someone.
LiviaHarlowe: rewriting my Jefferson paper, so Wheeler can comment on its brilliance in his rec.
LiviaHarlowe: by rewriting, i mean painstakingly editing, but still...a trip down memory lane (the bad kind)
Nastinchka: Poor thing.
LiviaHarlowe: i forgot how much i hate martha jefferson (cunting daughter, not sainted mother)
Nastinchka: steak
Nastinchka: (Sorry, I got distracted)
Nastinchka: (by steak)
LiviaHarlowe: i wish it was friday so bad
LiviaHarlowe: now i want steak
Nastinchka: I'm so sleepy
Nastinchka: all I can think about is steak, and napping.
LiviaHarlowe: verdict: would it be poor taste to insert the word "slavish" in a discussion of thomas jefferson? as in, his slavish devotion to wealth and title?
Nastinchka: Yes.
Nastinchka: What about fervent or fevered or one of those fev words?
Nastinchka: fervid
Nastinchka: ferret
LiviaHarlowe: ...right before i mention that he lost his beloved wife? i guess saying slave right before mentioning Martha's demise and the onslaught of Sally Hemings would be questionable taste

8:52:02 PM T$: ...and with that as a setup for my next segue, i think i may have met a girl.
8:52:31 PM T$: well, to be specific, "i" didn't so much meet her as the "tolsun who wore a foam finger over his groin at the one-piece party" met her
8:52:45 PM Nastinchka: We're still in the "things that have gone wrong" column, right?
8:53:11 PM T$: nah, this is sort of in between. things going right, and things that i'm not sure are going right. you bastard.

LiviaHarlowe: my plan is to walk into the financial aid office wearing that light-up bikini from Halloween and be like "Will Dance for Dollars"
LiviaHarlowe: it's gonna work
LiviaHarlowe: who could say no to a thousand glittering, flickering lights...strategically placed over my crotch.
Nastinchka: .....the National Guard?
LiviaHarlowe: please. it would be like fallujah to them, only prettier and slightly less menacing.
Nastinchka: Yeesh.

*deep breath*...So, they're making a sequel...
7:12:56 PM LiviaHarlowe: HOLY SHIT. You neglected to tell me Christy Carlson Romano would be PLAYING THE ROLE OF DB SWEENEY'S DAUGHTER
7:13:02 PM LiviaHarlowe: We MUST STOP THIS
7:13:13 PM LiviaHarlowe: No DB Sweeney, no dive.
7:13:15 PM LiviaHarlowe: *dice.
7:13:17 PM LiviaHarlowe: Whichever.
7:13:19 PM LiviaHarlowe: GAH
7:13:25 PM LiviaHarlowe: I'm appalled by this

[later]
9:59:45 PM LiviaHarlowe: what kind of sadass film cant even get DB SWEENEY to come back
10:00:11 PM LiviaHarlowe: ...holy shit, db sweeney looks good.
10:00:37 PM LiviaHarlowe: Oh, I see. He's too busy doing a film called DIRT NAP in which he plays "Billy McGriff" to come slumming back to the ice.
10:00:44 PM Nastinchka: You should write him a fan letter (he can't get many), and ask him why he won't come back for the sequel.
10:01:46 PM LiviaHarlowe: fan letter? pshaw. i'm showing up at his door and telling him "the way i see it, we may not be right for anybody else". and then as the car revvs in the background, he'll throw me into the air in the pamcenko twist and we'll kiss as we win the gold medal.
10:02:06 PM Nastinchka: Awesome.
10:03:37 PM Nastinchka: Roo!! Seven Brides for Seven Brothers is airing in CINEMASCOPE on TCM!!! I'm in for the night.
10:02:40 PM Nastinchka: But Moira Kelly is so far down the cast list (like a literal manifestation of her fall from fame-ishness) that I wonder if she's anything more than a cameo.
10:02:50 PM Nastinchka: .....OR MAYBE SHE OPENED A SKATE SCHOOL
10:02:55 PM Nastinchka: AND BAIT SHOP
10:02:58 PM Nastinchka: JUST LIKE WE PLANNED
10:03:03 PM LiviaHarlowe: I BET YOU ANYTHING SHE DID
10:03:22 PM LiviaHarlowe: AND DB SWEENEY WENT OFF AND MARRIED SOME BITCH AND NOW SHE HAS TO TEACH HIS DAUGHTER TO SKATE AND THEY HAVE CLASHING PERSONALITIES
10:03:50 PM Nastinchka: NO
10:03:53 PM Nastinchka: DIDN'T YOU SEE THE LIST
10:04:06 PM LiviaHarlowe: IM LOOKING AT IT NOW
10:04:09 PM Nastinchka: I'M PRETTY SURE THERE'S A GUY ON IT WHO IS NOT DB SWEENEY
10:04:12 PM LiviaHarlowe: WHY ARE WE YELLING ABOUT DB SWEENEY
10:04:14 PM Nastinchka: WHO HAS THE NAME DOUG DORSEY
10:04:15 PM LiviaHarlowe: THERE IS!
10:04:17 PM LiviaHarlowe: THERE IS!
10:04:23 PM Nastinchka: BECAUSE THEY RECAST HIS PART AND IT'S FUNNY AS HELL
10:04:31 PM LiviaHarlowe: WELL, WE'LL FIND OUT ON FEBRUARY 7TH
10:04:46 PM Nastinchka: I CAN'T WAIT TILL THEN. GET YOUR COAT.
10:05:16 PM LiviaHarlowe: THE DIRECTOR IS NAMED "SEAN MCNAMARA". PERHAPS ITS A NIP/TUCK CROSSOVER.
10:06:34 PM Nastinchka: I SAW THAT
10:06:47 PM Nastinchka: I KNEW THERE WAS SOME PART I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.
10:06:49 PM Nastinchka: OOOOH!!!!!!!!!
10:06:59 PM Nastinchka: WHAT ABOUT DB SWEENEY IN AN UNCREDITED CAMEO AS THE CARVER
10:07:14 PM LiviaHarlowe: HA
10:07:17 PM LiviaHarlowe: HAHAHAHA
10:07:24 PM Nastinchka: And he murmurs silkily, "beauty is a curse on the word", and slashes Tara Lipinski's throat with a skate.
10:07:36 PM LiviaHarlowe: THEY SHOULD CALL THE SEQUEL "TOEPICK"
10:07:41 PM Nastinchka: YES
10:08:51 PM LiviaHarlowe: I WANT DB SWEENEY TO BE THE CARVER SO, SO BADLY
10:09:19 PM LiviaHarlowe: OH MY GOD
10:09:23 PM LiviaHarlowe: MOIRA KELLY IS IN DIRT NAP TOO
10:09:27 PM LiviaHarlowe: THEY'RE BACK ON SCREEN TOGETHER
10:09:33 PM LiviaHarlowe: SO WHY THE FUCK WONT HE COME BACK FOR CE2
10:09:35 PM Nastinchka: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
10:09:38 PM Nastinchka: MAYBE THAT'S WHY
10:09:51 PM Nastinchka: SHE'S SUCH A FUCKING BITCH THEY TOOK HER OFF WEST WING AFTER A SEASON WITH NO EXPANATION, EVER
10:09:56 PM Nastinchka: OR EVER MENTIONING HER AGAIN
10:11:43 PM LiviaHarlowe: THIS IS SO SAD
10:11:48 PM LiviaHarlowe: IF DB WERE BACK I WOULD BE ALL ON BOARD
10:11:57 PM LiviaHarlowe: EVEN WITH CHRISTY CARLSON ROMANO
10:12:02 PM Nastinchka: I forgot how much i fucking love this movie.
10:13:12 PM Nastinchka: It's twelve minutes in, and this guy comes in to find a wife, and he asks this girl to marry him, and she's all "I don't even know you", and he's all,"WEll, I'm in a hurry, and it'll take about five months to get to know you near as I see it. You really want to make me wait a that time just for your pride?" And she's all, "Well, I' have to finish my chores first." SERIOUSLY.
10:13:39 PM LiviaHarlowe: THIS SITE SAYS DB TURNED THE MOVIE DOWN
10:14:11 PM Nastinchka: And the preacher wonders whether she should do it, and she says that when she said yes, she didn't get a bad feeing inside, so it must be all right. I swear. Have you ever seen this movie? it's hysterical.
10:15:13 PM Nastinchka: It's a combination of ludicrous plotlines (even for a musical), lyrics like "Bless your beautiful hide", anthe greatest onscreen ballet sequence EVER.
10:15:04 PM LiviaHarlowe: "I resisted Cutting Edge sequels for years because I didn't want to be defined by that, although I am very proud of that movie."
10:15:21 PM Nastinchka: Wow.
10:15:30 PM Nastinchka: So he chose....not to be defined at all.
10:15:31 PM LiviaHarlowe: AHAHAHAHAHA
10:15:35 PM LiviaHarlowe: "I'd like to be Brick in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Someday soon, I hope. Find me a Maggie if you can!"
10:15:44 PM Nastinchka: WOW
10:15:54 PM LiviaHarlowe: holy FUCK
10:16:03 PM LiviaHarlowe: HE'S ALSO THE DIRECTOR OF AFOREMENTIONED DIRTNAP
10:16:14 PM Nastinchka: AAAAAAAHAHAHAHA
10:16:47 PM LiviaHarlowe: HOLY
10:16:48 PM LiviaHarlowe: SHIT
10:16:49 PM LiviaHarlowe: HOLLY
10:16:52 PM LiviaHarlowe: HOW DID WE FORGOT
10:17:00 PM Nastinchka: ??
10:17:00 PM LiviaHarlowe: THAT JOHN LOCKE PLAYS MOIRA KELLYS DAD IN THE CUTTING EDGE
10:17:07 PM Nastinchka: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
10:17:09 PM Nastinchka: JACK
10:17:12 PM LiviaHarlowe: ITS TERRY OQUINN
10:17:14 PM Nastinchka: TERRY O'QUINN'S CHARACTER IN CUTTING EDGE???? IS NAMED JACK
10:17:18 PM LiviaHarlowe: THIS ISLAND IS ALL ABOUT THE CUTTING EDGE
10:17:20 PM LiviaHarlowe: WE SOLVED LOST
10:17:23 PM LiviaHarlowe: WE SOLVED LOST
10:17:28 PM LiviaHarlowe: AND THERE'S A KATE!!!!!!!!!
10:17:37 PM Nastinchka: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
10:17:38 PM LiviaHarlowe: AND HIS DAUGHTERS NAME IS KATE, IN THE MOVIE
10:17:41 PM LiviaHarlowe: KATE IS LOCKES DAUGHTER
10:17:50 PM Nastinchka: SHE SO IS
10:17:52 PM LiviaHarlowe: THIS WHOLE THING IS A TRIBUTE TO THE CUTTING EDGE
10:18:10 PM Nastinchka: I BET IF YOU LOOK AT IT FROM ABOVE, THE ISLAND IS SHAPED LIKE A SKATE
10:18:20 PM Nastinchka: AND THAT'S WHY THE GUYS ON THE RAFT GOT SWEPT BACK
10:18:23 PM LiviaHarlowe: THE POLAR BEARS REPRESENT THE COLDNESS OF THE RINK
10:18:40 PM Nastinchka: CAUSE THE ISAND CREATES CURRENTS SHAPED LIKE OLYMPIC RINGS AND IT BROUGHT THEM BACK IN A CIRCLE
10:18:57 PM Nastinchka: AND SOMEWHERE UPSTAIRS, GOD'S LOOKING DOWN ON THE RAFT AND HE'S ALL "TOE PICK, MY CHILDREN".
10:19:07 PM LiviaHarlowe: I
10:19:07 PM LiviaHarlowe: AM
10:19:08 PM LiviaHarlowe: PEEING
10:19:23 PM Nastinchka: GET
10:19:24 PM Nastinchka: A
10:19:26 PM Nastinchka: BUCKET
10:19:29 PM LiviaHarlowe: I
10:19:30 PM LiviaHarlowe: DID
10:20:34 PM LiviaHarlowe: We solved Lost. I can't believe we overlooked this for so long.
10:20:42 PM Nastinchka: This is AWESOME.
10:21:03 PM LiviaHarlowe: it all fits
10:21:09 PM LiviaHarlowe: IT ALL FITS
10:21:19 PM Nastinchka: I was JOKING, but the IMDB summary of Elizabethtown actually does use the word "irrepressible" to describe Dunst in Elizabethtown.
10:21:45 PM LiviaHarlowe: wow.
10:22:17 PM LiviaHarlowe: bitch was one nagging bitch.

[later again]
10:24:21 PM LiviaHarlowe: i cant stop thinking about ways the cutting edge relates to lost.
10:24:32 PM Nastinchka: Me. Neither.
10:24:59 PM LiviaHarlowe: Jack's brother who ran the hockey bar was named Walter..
10:25:46 PM LiviaHarlowe: GOD
10:25:54 PM LiviaHarlowe: MOIRA KELLY IS PLAYING A CHARACTER NAMED KATE IN DIRT NAP
10:26:00 PM LiviaHarlowe: DB MUST BE TOTALLY OBSESSED WITH HER
10:26:09 PM Nastinchka: WTF
10:26:19 PM Nastinchka: OR TOTALY OBSESSED WITH CONNECTING HER TO LOST
10:26:46 PM LiviaHarlowe: HE CAN'T GET ENOUGH
10:27:51 PM LiviaHarlowe: HE PROBABLY WATCHES CUTTING EDGE ON A CONTINUOUS LOOP, GAZING AT THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY AND SOFTLY MURMURING "FOREPLAY"
10:28:24 PM LiviaHarlowe: ALSO, MOIRA WAS IN A MOVIE CALLED "THE BOY WHO CRIED BITCH"
10:28:32 PM LiviaHarlowe: I DIDN'T KNOW THEY MADE A MOVIE OF J___'S LIFE
10:28:59 PM Nastinchka: IT COULD JUST AS EASILY BE A BIOPIC OF MOIRA'S
10:29:36 PM LiviaHarlowe: SPINDLER: THE BOY WHO CRIED BITCH
10:29:43 PM LiviaHarlowe: WE ARE OUT OF CONTROL
10:30:52 PM Nastinchka: IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE GREG GRUNBERG COMES BACK AND HE'S ALL "I'VE SEEN THE TAPES FROM THE FLIGHT DECK. THE PILOT WAS GETTING IT DONE"
10:32:00 PM LiviaHarlowe: YES
10:32:01 PM LiviaHarlowe: YES
10:32:17 PM LiviaHarlowe: AND ANA-LUCIA IS LORI PECKAROVSKI
10:32:37 PM Nastinchka: "YOU SHOULD HAVE STARTED WITH A GO-TO GIRL, JOHN LOCKE!"

[still later]
10:36:19 PM Nastinchka: YOU KNOW WHAT I TOTALLY FORGOT
10:36:28 PM Nastinchka: TERRY O'QUINN AND DB SWEENEY DID A TV SHOW TOGETHER
10:36:33 PM Nastinchka: CALLED HARSH REALM.
10:36:44 PM LiviaHarlowe: SEE
10:36:48 PM Nastinchka: NO
10:36:48 PM Nastinchka: NO
10:36:50 PM Nastinchka: WAIT
10:36:53 PM Nastinchka: IT GETS BETTER
10:36:56 PM LiviaHarlowe: ITS A WEB OF INTERCONNECTION THAT ALL COMES BACK TO THE CUTTING LOST.
10:36:56 PM Nastinchka: THE SHOW?
10:37:09 PM Nastinchka: WAS ABOUT A WORLD THAT'S A VR WARGAME SIMULATION
10:37:23 PM LiviaHarlowe: YES
10:37:33 PM Nastinchka: AND IT ALSO HAD SCOTT BAIRSTOW, THOUGH I THINK THAT'S VERY MUCH BESIDE THE POINT.
10:38:01 PM LiviaHarlowe: WOULDNT IT BE GREAT IF THE END OF THE SHOW WAS JOHN LOCKE AS KATE MOSLEY'S DAD SITTING IN AN ICE RINK AND TAKING OFF A VR HELMET WHILE DB AND MOIRA ZOOM PAST HIM REHEARSING AN OLYMPIC ROUTINE
10:38:05 PM LiviaHarlowe: IT WOULD BE BRILLIANT TELEVISION
10:38:18 PM Nastinchka: YES
10:38:27 PM LiviaHarlowe: CALL JJ
10:38:30 PM LiviaHarlowe: WE'VE THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING
10:39:38 PM Nastinchka: I THOUGHT OF ANOTHER ONE. MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ WAS IN SUMMER OF SAM WITH JOHN LEGUIZAMO, WHO WAS IN SPAWN WITH DB SWEENEY
10:39:49 PM LiviaHarlowe: IT ALL WORKS
10:39:49 PM Nastinchka: THAT'S NOT REACHING, IS IT?
10:39:52 PM LiviaHarlowe: NO
10:39:52 PM LiviaHarlowe: ITS NOT
10:39:57 PM LiviaHarlowe: NOT IN THIS NEW WORLD WE'VE CREATED

[later than that]
10:55:47 PM Nastinchka: JOAN
10:55:49 PM Nastinchka: JOAN
10:55:51 PM Nastinchka: JOAN
10:55:53 PM Nastinchka: I TOTALLY FORGOT
10:55:55 PM LiviaHarlowe: god what now
10:55:57 PM LiviaHarlowe: WHAT NOW
10:55:57 PM Nastinchka: TERRY O
10:55:59 PM Nastinchka: QUINN
10:56:04 PM Nastinchka: GUEST STARRED ON WEST WING
10:56:04 PM LiviaHarlowe: OH GOOD WE'RE BACK TO THIS
10:56:15 PM Nastinchka: A SHOW THAT, IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, ONCE CONTAINED MOIRA KELLY
10:56:23 PM LiviaHarlowe: OH I NEED NO REMINDING
10:57:32 PM LiviaHarlowe: THE CONNECTIONS ARE TOO MANY TO BE MERELY COINCIDENCE
10:58:40 PM Nastinchka: OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO I FINALLY RESORTED TO IMDB
10:58:50 PM Nastinchka: THE LADY WHO PLAYS ROSE
10:59:10 PM Nastinchka: WAS APPARENTY IN A 1991 TV MOVIE CALLED LOVE, LIES, AND MURDER
10:59:14 PM Nastinchka: WITH MOIRA KELLY
10:59:45 PM Nastinchka: A YEAR BEFORE THE CUTTING EDGE WAS MADE
10:59:54 PM Nastinchka: IT'S BEEN GOING ON THAT LONG
11:00:03 PM LiviaHarlowe: THIS HAS BEEN IN THE WORKS FOR A DECADE
11:01:08 PM Nastinchka: I am now closing the imdb window.
11:01:10 PM Nastinchka: I'm done.
11:01:12 PM Nastinchka: ....for now.
11:01:29 PM LiviaHarlowe: SEAN WANTS TO WATCH THE ZOMBIE MOVIE
11:01:31 PM LiviaHarlowe: HE MADE CHEESE CORN
11:01:35 PM LiviaHarlowe: so i'm going downstairs now.
11:01:41 PM Nastinchka: kaaay
11:01:43 PM Nastinchka: love you
11:01:46 PM Nastinchka: see you tomorry
11:01:48 PM LiviaHarlowe: I MISS YOU AND WISH WE STILL LIVED TOGETHERS SO WE COULD MAKE ZOMBIE CHEESE CORN
11:02:07 PM Nastinchka: We are brilliant.
11:02:21 PM LiviaHarlowe: and our brilliance is only eclipsed by the heat of the falling star that is DB Sweeney

5:06:13 PM Nastinchka: HAHAHAHAHA
5:06:26 PM Nastinchka: ESPN says LeBron James has Pleurisy. Just like that bitch in Glass Menagerie.
5:06:50 PM LiviaHarlowe: From now on, we call him LeBlueRoses James
5:07:49 PM LiviaHarlowe: and i'll feverishly try to hook him up with nice young men while sweating and drinking mint juleps and fanning myself and talking about all my gentlemen callers, and you can lurk sullenly in the kitchen dreaming about a new life for yourself.

If it was forty below and that button meant the difference between a long satisfying life and a cold horrible death from hypothermia, I still wouldn't give you the satisfaction. SKATE.

Laff Riot 24: Wall of Stupid

6:35:17 PM nastinchka: So it turns out tomorrow's funnies are almost entirely devoted to your impending fake wedding. Prepare.
9:05:16 PM rhysfeezled: hrm
9:05:57 PM nastinchka: No, they're funny.
9:06:07 PM nastinchka: (Well, they were a lot funnier when we didn't know it was fake.)

1:29:41 PM nastinchka: I think I shall fashion my reply as follows: "Dear Rhys: Joan and I will be twirling fire batons at your wedding or we will not be there at all."
1:30:00 PM nastinchka: Or better still, "Dear Rhys: Joan and I will be twirling fire batons at your wedding or there will be no wedding."
1:30:11 PM liviaharlowe: this is RIDICULOUS
1:30:45 PM nastinchka: I know. If one of us was going to knock up a lesbian and marry her, my money would've been on Tolsun.
1:31:14 PM liviaharlowe: I'm going to respond my announcing my non-conventional wedding to Squidley
1:31:34 PM liviaharlowe: and telling everyone there will be a reception in an octopus' garden in the sea
1:31:43 PM liviaharlowe: with you officiating
1:33:33 PM nastinchka: It's bizarre, though, once I really start to think about it, how many of our friends could wind up in this situation and not surprise me at all.
1:33:35 PM nastinchka: Chip.
1:33:36 PM nastinchka: Danny.
1:33:38 PM nastinchka: Stewart.
1:33:48 PM nastinchka: Greg.
1:35:26 PM liviaharlowe: This would SO HAPPEN TO CHIP
1:35:26 PM liviaharlowe: Also, we're totally going dressed in hoop skirts, and hissing vehemently like Mrs. Meade

1:36:52 PM _____: So I'm on the phone with my dad
1:37:15 PM _____: And I said Rhys is marrying a lesbian
1:37:22 PM _____: And he was all "huh?"
1:37:31 PM _____: And I explained the situation.
1:37:37 PM _____: Excuse me, "situation".
1:38:02 PM _____: ANd in this completely reasonable tone of voice, he replies, "WEll, have you considered the possibility that Rhys is a lesbian?"
1:38:08 PM _____: I can't believe I didn't think of it before.

11:24:32 PM nastinchka: You're a mean one, Mr. Big Evil
11:24:44 PM nastinchka: You reeeally aaaaaarrrre (ARRR!!) a heeeeeel
11:24:57 PM Big Evil: *sigh* Punnery!
11:25:07 PM nastinchka: As you were.

11:15:24 PM eegah820690903: you are always my ray of fru-fru light and supportive bunny rabbits

3:56:02 PM nastinchka: Also, the site is called nowthatsfuckedup.com, which makes it funnier.
3:57:01 PM nicodemus055: Cool
3:59:50 PM nastinchka: Interstingly, they're being investigated by isthatlegal.org.

5:55:48 PM liviaharlowe: there. i commented.
5:56:02 PM nastinchka: Finito?
5:56:10 PM nastinchka: Finite incancommentem?
5:56:20 PM liviaharlowe: im a court reporter
5:58:48 PM liviaharlowe: and im going to go eat, while you digest my brilliance

1:23:32 PM _____: It's Cramps Gone Wild. I will frolic in the Hot Tub later.
1:26:13 PM _____: I will curl up with a Cat, read trashy magazines, and think "Well, it beats the hell out of being A Parent".
1:26:59 PM _____: I mean, babies? Bug you ALL THE TIME.

5:02:58 PM liviaharlowe: we can talk of ships shoes and sailing wax, and whether rhys is actually gonna marry that lesbian.

11:11:58 PM eegah820690903: maybe I'd prefer the end of the sperm bank story shrouded in mystery. I prefer open doors of optimism to cold pits of despair
11:12:24 PM nastinchka: No, it's funny.
11:15:55 PM eegah820690903: Hold on, I have to tell a friend of mine from the UK that I'm a fop
11:16:01 PM nastinchka: I don't think that means what you think it means.
11:16:01 PM eegah820690903: ok. Type whilst I come out
11:16:10 PM nastinchka: Christ. Ok.
11:16:18 PM eegah820690903: this funny
11:16:19 PM nastinchka: So Saturday night, he calls back.
11:17:02 PM nastinchka: And he's all "I got hit on by this lonely sperm bank employee".
11:17:19 PM eegah820690903: fnarp
11:17:44 PM nastinchka: And then he says, "So I asked them if they had t-shirts, and the employee says she can do better...."
11:18:02 PM nastinchka: "Holly, they make stuffed animals."
11:18:12 PM nastinchka: And I said, "is it a...."
11:18:20 PM nastinchka: And he said, "Oh yes."
11:18:34 PM nastinchka: I'm'a git me a plushy squiggler!!
11:18:57 PM nastinchka: OOOOH. That is so your new nickname.
11:18:59 PM eegah820690903: haha
11:19:05 PM eegah820690903: I kinda like it
11:19:10 PM eegah820690903: I'm certainly one of the two
11:19:15 PM nastinchka: I'll say.

liviaharlowe: But if he did it, he did it accidentally, because he wanted to kill Harry, and a dead body is a pretty sketchy horcrux.

5:33:18 PM nastinchka: Dude.
5:33:50 PM nicodemus055: THey'll release sharks with lasers to fight the dolphins.
5:33:59 PM nastinchka: I WAS ABOUT TO SAY THAT
5:34:05 PM nicodemus055: And then exploding whales to get rid of the sharks.
5:34:13 PM nastinchka: And hawks with video cameras to film the whole thing.

11:25:31 PM nastinchka: You need a new nickname.
11:26:01 PM Big Evil: Besides?
11:26:10 PM nastinchka: Big Evil.
11:26:27 PM Big Evil: Ah. Yes, you are correct....
11:26:36 PM nastinchka: Scary Sunshine?
11:28:52 PM Big Evil: I'm shiny, and hot, and will cause you all sorts of cancer if you're not protected? Hmmm... not sure I'm down with that one.
11:29:27 PM nastinchka: Hrmph.
11:30:34 PM Big Evil: Though the idea of people slathering on lotion whenever I'm around _does_ kind of intrigue me.....
11:31:20 PM nastinchka: Not to mention ancient civilizations dedicated to Your worship.
11:31:33 PM Big Evil: Excellent!

11:11:03 PM eegah820690903: I just viddied the funny
11:11:26 PM eegah820690903: Joan is better than Nethanial hawthorne's gay ass

5:41:01 PM nastinchka: Where's Ryan? We need to get him in our latest obsession.
5:41:13 PM liviaharlowe: I KNOW
5:41:15 PM liviaharlowe: hes all busy
5:41:17 PM liviaharlowe: and bitter at the emmys
5:41:30 PM nastinchka: I know, right? Ugh. Worst Emmys Ever, Ever.
5:41:36 PM nastinchka: Except for the Lost win, and everything that came out of Felicity Huffman's mouth.
5:43:41 PM liviaharlowe: I mean, Patricia Arquette?! James Spader?! COME ON
5:43:48 PM liviaharlowe: This isn't the Cable Ace awards
5:43:52 PM nastinchka: Patricia Arquette was THE WORST
5:43:54 PM nastinchka: THE HORROR.
5:44:12 PM liviaharlowe: i personally thought shatner was the worst
5:44:32 PM nastinchka: ....until you remembered that EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND WON.
5:44:41 PM liviaharlowe: GOD
5:44:41 PM nastinchka: OR LACK THEREOF
5:44:57 PM liviaharlowe: BRAD GARRET?!?!??!
5:45:21 PM nastinchka: We should have our own Emmys
5:45:24 PM nastinchka: Called the Gimmies.
5:45:33 PM liviaharlowe: yes.
5:45:44 PM nastinchka: Where you and I get to decide Everything, and if we disagree, we ask Ryan.
5:46:00 PM liviaharlowe: YES
5:46:09 PM liviaharlowe: And the losers have to dance, dance for their very LIVES
5:46:18 PM nastinchka: Above a pit of SHARKS

1:36:51 PM rhysfeezled: is she hot?
1:37:17 PM nastinchka: No, but she's a lesbian, so I'm sure you'll want to propose.
1:37:36 PM rhysfeezled: baa-ZING!
1:38:03 PM rhysfeezled: walked into that one like it was a rough-hewn 2x4, eh?
1:38:27 PM nastinchka: Walked into it like a sham marriage. ZOW!!!!
1:38:48 PM nastinchka: Man, you're laying them out for me.
1:39:16 PM rhysfeezled: see, it would have to be a marrige first for it to be a sham
1:39:20 PM rhysfeezled: mainly, it's an exucse for us to drop $500 on a kick-ass party for all of our friends
1:39:46 PM rhysfeezled: and to fuck with people by saying "hi, this is my fiance"
1:39:49 PM nastinchka: Interestingly enough, that was the first thought of both me and Joan (well, after the thought that you knocked her up) before we Actually Knew it was an excuse.
1:40:13 PM rhysfeezled: stacy's gotten into the habit of saying "this is my fiance" and not elaborating
1:40:27 PM rhysfeezled: so there are alot of people that think we're actually getting married
1:40:30 PM nastinchka: And people wonder if you're a poorly constructed woman, or what?

4:14:13 PM liviaharlowe: do you think wheeler would write me a rec??
4:14:52 PM nastinchka: I dunno....what was your final grade?
4:15:08 PM liviaharlowe: I did well
4:15:15 PM liviaharlowe: But do you think he LIKES me enough?
4:15:25 PM nastinchka: It's not like he has much else to do, and if you ask him when you buy his new book....
4:16:01 PM liviaharlowe: my e-mail of inquiry to him will just say "you know what she did, thomas jefferson? your cunting daughter?"
4:15:42 PM nastinchka: WEll, I dunno. I did hear him say you had pretty eyes in the caf after fifth period.
4:16:05 PM nastinchka: But after cheer practice I saw him talking to Sally Hargrave. That slut.
4:16:28 PM liviaharlowe: Sally Hargrave is a talentless fat-ass
4:16:40 PM liviaharlowe: will you write my rec as Sally Hargrave?
4:16:53 PM nastinchka: Only if you write mine as Livia
4:17:30 PM liviaharlowe: done, and done.
4:21:19 PM liviaharlowe: dear USC: HRA did not murder her sons. Drusus died of his wounds, and Placina poisoned Germanicus with out instructions from me. But I had marked them both down for death. They were both infected with that infantile disorder known as 'Republicanism.' Augustus shall be a God, and because I made him so, I shall be a goddess. Poison is queen. Don't touch the figs. You may kiss me and take your leave."
4:22:01 PM nastinchka: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
4:22:35 PM liviaharlowe: If you need a cross-reference, I'll write one from Caligula. "Grandmother Livia? They say a snake bit her once...and died."
4:25:06 PM nastinchka: We're goddamn geniuses.
4:25:57 PM liviaharlowe: I. KNOW.
4:26:12 PM liviaharlowe: i actually wonder what the response would be if i sent in a reference from the emperor and god augustus.
4:26:49 PM nastinchka: Pick a school you don't particularly care for and find out. it's not like it goes on your permanenet record somewhere. Worst case scenario, you give the admissions staff a giggle.
4:28:00 PM liviaharlowe: i'm doing it. baylor, here i come.
4:28:18 PM liviaharlowe: i'm gonna write one as Emperor Augustus, one as Benjamin Franklin, and one as Judy Garland
4:28:37 PM liviaharlowe: the judy one will smell like vodka and have cigarette burns on it
4:28:41 PM nastinchka: and one as TOM CULLEN
4:29:02 PM liviaharlowe: YES
4:29:04 PM liviaharlowe: OH MY GOD, YES
4:29:15 PM nastinchka: And one as Neely O'Hara
4:29:18 PM liviaharlowe: and one as Patches O'Houlihan
4:29:21 PM nastinchka: YES
4:30:27 PM liviaharlowe: the worst they can do is not take me. and if i do this at a school where i dont really wanna go, it wont hurt me
4:30:47 PM nastinchka: Seriously. Why not have fun with this?
4:33:07 PM liviaharlowe: what if i wrote one from the monster on lost? dear florida: AaaaarghsSSQUEEEEEEEEEmnshmnshmnshGNNNN"
4:33:27 PM nastinchka: And sign it "Love and kisses, Emmanuel Kant". It's only a matter of time till they introduce another damned philosophizer.
4:33:49 PM liviaharlowe: HA
4:39:08 PM nastinchka: I wonder if I could get one from Peyton.

1:55:23 PM rhysfeezled: raptor bad!
1:55:36 PM nastinchka: dino robot good!!
1:55:48 PM nastinchka: Now we just need to make one that can fly a plane.
1:55:45 PM rhysfeezled: i'll have to make you an automated claw that will go "tap tap tap" on hard surfaces
1:55:51 PM nastinchka: YES
1:55:51 PM nastinchka: YES
1:55:52 PM nastinchka: YES
1:56:03 PM rhysfeezled: i can do it, too
1:56:08 PM nastinchka: I KNOW YOU CAN

1:57:01 PM jangel139: Nothing says I love you like ROOOAAAAARRRR
1:57:50 PM jangel139: I WANT IT I WANT IT
1:58:39 PM nastinchka: I'm going to make mine follow me around everywhere
1:59:53 PM jangel139: IF YOU PULL ITS TAIL IT BITES AND GROWLS
2:00:05 PM nastinchka: I KNOW
2:00:14 PM nastinchka: We don't just got a gang. We got an army. Of dinosaurs.

4:12:26 PM liviaharlowe: Yeah I like how they bill it as a blend of technology and personality. I can see the tech part, but come ON....when I think "raptor", I don't really think "personality", I think "OH FUCK RUN IT'S A DINOSAUR". if i were a marketing person i would have called it a blend of technology and terror.
4:13:45 PM nastinchka: Also? IT CAN SNIFF iTS PREY
4:13:55 PM nastinchka: I made it sniff the salesman.
4:14:23 PM liviaharlowe: it "DISPLAYS AUTONOMOUS BEHAVIOR"?!?! what genius thought it would be a good idea to make a robotic velociraptor that could think for itself?
4:15:05 PM nastinchka: I couldn't get it to NUZZLE me, but apparently it can do that too.
4:15:13 PM liviaharlowe: This is more likely to end in disaster than Rhys's wedding.
4:15:17 PM nastinchka: No, turns out it's actually more of a party premise than a binding religious contract.
4:17:30 PM liviaharlowe: I'm still only going if I can dress like Marlene Dietrich and ride a dingo.

the car on the tracks won

I've never seen someone so handsome go so lowbrow.

Hi.

Couple things:

1. I hate my new job so much that I've passed entire days fantasizing about abruptly announcing, "YOU can't fire me; I QUIT!!" (I've always wanted to) in my best Disney Princess Voice, performing a petulant striptease in the lobby (the suits we wear belong to them), and strutting out into the sunshine in ruffly pineapple-hologram-emblazoned panties, pointy slingbacks, and pearls. Yes, I thought picking up a couple shifts at Swanky New Hotel would be a good way to keep me in cornflakes and gin while I'm Getting Famous Making Movies (which I may as well discuss at some point, since that secret's pretty much out). Then I got suckered into putting in more hours because the money's ridiculously good. Then they made me work at seven every morning instead of the promised ten. (I'm barely not in college. Single-digit morning hours are still bedtime.) Then the place finally opened to a chorus of clusterfuckery, I accidentally got embroiled in a potential scandal involving PEYTON and a web of my own hilarious lies (upon which I'm too scared to elaborate until it resolves itself), and today I was forbidden from conversing with the Ethiopian valet in French (despite the fact that it's easier than trying to work with him in English, bless his heart), because it makes the manager "uncomfortable." I retorted, sweetly, "I'm speaking Freedom. Why do you hate Freedom?" I've always had an intrinsic distrust of people who don't think I'm funny.

2. I really am the Last Kid In The Bounce Castle (™ Defamer) on this one, but I love you too much to let you make inferior muffins let you die without seeing this.

3. So much more importantly: This year's It Toy is a three-foot REMOTE-CONTROLLED DINOSAUR ROBOT NAMED ROBO-RAPTOR. It's being marketed as "a blend of technology and personality". I got to play with one yesterday, and our chemistry will not be denied. (It nuzzles.) I'm getting one for Christmas, welding a tiara to its head, and naming it Princess Grace.

I honestly think you may have just gotten yourself un-laid.